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Words of Wisdom
Myths and Realities of Stepfamily Life Stepmother's Bill of Rights Stepparent Absolutions
The Stepfamily's Journey 20 Guidelines for Stepmothers A Special Letter to the Love of My Life
Tips on Communicating with an Ex-Spouse Misguided vs. Effective Stepparenting A Memo From Your Child
Stepping Stones for Parents Stepping Stones for Grandparents Stepping Stones for Financial and Legal Issues
Myths and Realities of Stepfamily Life
Myths are beliefs that strongly influence the way people in stepfamilies adjust to their new family and react to one another. The following myths about stepfamilies can be stumbling blocks on the stepfamily journey.
Myth #1: Love occurs instantly between the child and the stepparent.
Love may or may not occur. All stepfamily members need to respect each other and take time to let a relationship develop. This takes the pressure off everyone and diminishes guilt.
Myth #2: Children of divorce and remarriage are forever damaged.
Children go through a period of adjustment and grief after a divorce and remarriage. Helping children to talk about their feelings and continuing to give them structure and discipline helps them keep their equilibrium. Trying to "make it up to the children" results in difficulty responding appropriately to our children's hurt and setting appropriate limits - an important part of parenting.
Children suffer most from parental strife. Finding a way to co-parent the children after divorce and incorporating the ex-spouse into the family makes for the best result.
Myth #3: Stepmothers are wicked.
This myth is based on the fairy tales we all hear as children. Because of these stories where stepmothers are not kind or nice or fair, women may be confused about their roles when they become stepmothers. The negative concept of the stepmother role impacts them, and they often become over-achievers. Research has shown that stepmothers have the most difficult role in the stepfamily. Stepmothers are people just like biological mothers, doing their best for the children in their family.
Myth #4: Adjustment to stepfamily life occurs quickly.
People are optimistic and hopeful when they remarry, and they want life to settle down so that they can get on with being happy. Stepfamilies take 4-7 years to feel like a "real family." Most stepfamily divorces occur around the third year. It takes time for people to get to know each other, create positive relationships and develop some family history. Read, get support and counseling…it's worth it!
Myth #5: Children adjust to divorce and remarriage more easily if biological fathers (or mothers) withdraw.
Children will always have two biological parents and will adjust better if they have access to both. Sometimes visitation is painful for the nonresidential parent, but it is very important to the child's adjustment and emotional health, except in those rare instances of parental abuse or neglect.
It is in the best interest of the children for the residential parent and stepparent to work toward a "parenting partnership" with all of the adults involved. Sometimes this can't happen right away, but it can be something to work toward.
Myth #6: Discipline will not be a problem in our stepfamily!
Discipline is the #l problem in a stepfamily. Many children, especially teens, will resist any attempt at discipline by the new stepparent. The anger and frustration that results can cause a division in the family. The couple needs to talk about their parenting styles; taking a parenting course together to develop a mutual style helps. Making house rules and then having the biological parent enforce the rules and consequences at first is also recommended.
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Stepmother's Bill of Rights
You're angry, confused, depressed. You think you're alone - but you're one of millions of women married to men with children. As the stepmother, you've taken responsibility for making it all work out - but it isn't. As a woman and a wife, you're feeling resentful, powerless and deeply disappointed. Compromise and compassion are no longer the solution. Starting now, you need to set some rules; your own Bill of Rights.
  1. I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.
  2. People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.
  3. I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.
  4. I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.
  5. I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.
  6. I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.
  7. Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.
  8. I will never be treated as an "outsider" in my own home.
  9. My husband and stepchildren must treat me with respect.
  10. Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.
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Stepparent Absolutions
  1. I am free from the obligation of making my stepfamily operate like a traditional nuclear family.
  2. I am absolved of having to be the perfect stepparent.
  3. I excuse myself from being the "man in the middle" regarding conflict with my stepchildren and their parents.
  4. I will no longer be solely responsible for this family's happiness and success.
  5. I am absolved of being the "problem" with this stepfamily and I also absolve the stepchild (or mate) I have targeted for this role, of the same.
  6. I liberate myself from prescribed roles, and fashion my family role to suit my individual relationships and comfort level.
  7. I will freely enjoy the family life I experience and am absolved of guilt because one (or more) of our collective children has not been brought in to the "fold".
  8. I am absolved of the stepparenting mistakes I have made through inexperience and minunderstanding, and now am free to operate in the "best interest of the stepfamily".
  9. I am absolved of the obligation to live every waking moment for the children and free to enjoy the mate and intimacy I married for.
  10. And, finally, because I recognize that my stepfamily goes through predictable (and often bumpy) stages over the course of seven years before it has created "ties that bind", I am absolved or having the perfect family for at least another 365 days.
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The Stepfamily's Journey
  • Preparing for remarriage sets the stage for success.
  • Making a stepfamily is a process that takes considerable time.
  • The children's normal development is easier when the adults are healed.
  • Confusion and chaos are normal. They don't mean the stepfamily is failing.
  • Stepfamilies can use crisis to propel themselves toward making serious changes that will strengthen them.
  • The couple relationship is at the heart of stepfamily success.
  • Creating effective roles and relationships is challenging.
  • Seeking support and guidance reflects strength.
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20 Guidelines for Stepmothers
From The Courage to be a Stepmom: Finding Your Place Without Losing Your Way by Sue Patton Thoele
  1. Go slowly. Give yourself and the kids time...and then more time.
    Allow yourself - and the kids - time to find your unique place within the family circle. Ooze into the sometimes chilly waters of stepmothering slowly and carefully, one tentative toe at a time.
  2. Let go of unrealistic expectations.
    The adjustment period for a stepfamily usually takes years rather than weeks or months. Expecting instant family, affection and/or acceptance sets us up for instant and continuous disappointments. It's great to have positive attitudes but few specific expectations.
  3. Live gently with yourself and others.
    We learn, grow and love more readily when coaxed forward by compassion, consideration and understanding than we do when bludgeoned by self-recrimination and judgement.
  4. Seek out the guidance and support you need.
    It is incredibly wise to seek out those people, groups and situations in which you can be supported and listened to. We all deserve to be tutored and tenderly cared for as we muddle through the hard times and sail through the joyous ones.
  5. Nurture your relationship with your husband.
    After caring for yourself, caring for your marriage is the most important thing you can do. After the children are grown and have lives of their own, you and your husband will be together. In order for that togetherness to be rewarding, your friendship needs to be nourished along the way.
  6. Kids are kids - accept and enjoy them for who they really are.
    Children are wonderful and blessed beings who can bring untold joy into our lives. But they can also be irritating, demanding and frustrating as the dickens. Expecting kids to be miniature, civilized adults is unrealistic and futile.
  7. Love and care for yourself first, for only then do you truly have love and compassion to give.
    Take time out to rejuvenate and ruminate. Give yourself permission to rest and enjoy the solitude it takes to stay connected to your own unique inner core.
  8. Set and honor realistic limits and boundaries.
    Choose your battles wisely, and then stick firmly to those limits that are important to your peace of mind and sense of well-being.
  9. Expect and accept only respect.
    Respect for each individual member of a family is non-negotiable.
  10. Give yourself credit.
    Acknowledge your efforts, learn from your mistakes and celebrate your successes. Give yourself gold stars.
  11. Trust yourself and your intuition.
    Remind yourself that you are wonderfully wise in the art of relationship and quietly access and acknowledge that wisdom at all times.
  12. Communicate clearly and truthfully from your heart.
    It is through communication that we reveal ourselves to others. Through words and actions we are unveiled and, thereby, able to appreciate and value one another.
  13. Listen intently with the goal of understanding.
    Listening in order to more fully understand ourselves and another is one of the most precious gifts we can bestow.
  14. Remember that most members of a stepfamily have grief to heal.
    Because stepfamilies are families born of loss, members (including ourselves) are vulnerable and need time, tenderness and understanding in order to heal.
  15. Try not to take things too personally.
    A vast majority of the time you are not the real target of the slings and arrows flung in your direction. A wise stepmother learns to duck and dodge.
  16. Never say anything derogatory about your children's or stepchildren's natural parents.
    It's perfectly okay to be a sounding board if the kids need to grump about one of their parents but never wise to agree with them or criticize a natural parent.
  17. Treat each child with kindness, courtesy and respect.
    The only real requirement to you as a stepmother is to be kind and respectful to your spouse's children.
  18. Embrace stepmothering as a spiritual path.
    Choosing to embrace and care for another's child/children can open hearts, grow our souls and add meaning and purpose to our lives.
  19. Relax. Lighten up. Laugh.
    When we can relax, we invite the process of blending a family to unfold in it own time and way. The more flexible and adventuresome we are, the more thoroughly we'll enjoy all aspects of stepmothering/muddling.
  20. Hang in there!
    Almost every stepmother emeritus I know advises, "Hang in there, it's all worth it in the end!"
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A letter to the love of my life ~
by Kristen Lee Mead
We belong together! You have shown me a kind of love I've never felt before, and opened the door to a life I'd never anticipated.
I know that sometimes you feel guilty for "burdening" me with so much baggage from your former life - the ex-spouse, the kids, the child support! But it's a testament to my love for you that I chose to stand by you and face it all.
And I plan on continuing to stand by you to help you parent your children.
Sometimes it's very hard for me, in ways you may not have imagined. I look at your children and I don't really know them. I can't really know them the way you do, because they're part of you. That saddens me. And sometimes I look at them and see your ex-spouse, a reminder that you haven't always been mine. That saddens me too. It's difficult for me to feel this kind of "separation" from a child in my care. I try to be as nurturing as I know how to be, but I don't know what to expect in return. It's confusing for me more often than not.
I know how much you love me, and how much you care about my feelings. I know you just want everyone in our family to be happy. That's what I want too. I want to work out these feelings in a place I feel safe; where I know I'm heard and understood. The best place for me to do that is within a group of other stepparents, who have seen and felt the same things I have.
The Stepfamily Association of America has a chapter right here in Pittsburgh. Meetings are held monthly, and they offer a chance for us to share our experiences with others so we can put our lives in some sort of perspective. Discussions range from communication skills in marriage, to appropriate discipline for kids of every age, to how to retain our sense of self within the stepfamily. After all, I want to remain the person you fell in love with!
I want to learn and share with other stepparents and come home revitalized, with a lot of new strategies for making our lives better. I would be so grateful if you could support me in this.
I love you.
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Tips on Communicating with an Ex-Spouse
  1. Keep the topic of conversation on the business items or the children.
  2. Don't feel you must immediately respond to demands by your ex-spouse. Stall. Say, "I'll think about that and get back to you."
  3. If you absolutely cannot talk to your ex-spouse, find a neutral third party to exchange information.
    Children are not a neutral third party.
  4. Use "I" statements, not "you" statements.
  5. If comunication through verbal means is too emotionally charged, try written or electronic communication.
  6. Do not relay messages to your ex-spouse through your children.
  7. Keep to commitments about visiting and support payments as closely as possible.
  8. Share information about your child(ren) with ex-spouse if communication is open, so both of you can appreciate and enjoy his/her unique characteristics.
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Misguided vs. Effective Stepparenting
The contrast between a misguided and an effective approach to stepparenting provides a key to success in the stepfamily. Clearly, the effective stepparent works with accurate information and chooses specific behaviors to build toward positive relationships.
The Misguided Stepparent The Effective Stepparent
Tries to replace the absent parent...
  • Feels insecure about stepparent role
  • Wants to own children and their affections
  • Attempts to cut ties with noncustodial parent
  • Assumes children cannot love several adults
  • Creates loyalty conflicts for children
    Demands love and acceptance...
  • Expects to care about stepchildren immediately
  • Expects children to express affection right away
  • Feels guilty when children express affection they don't really feel
    Insists feelings for stepchildren and biological children are the same...
  • Tries to deny rather than accept differences in feelings
  • Feels guilty for loving own children "more"
  • Overcompensates with stepchildren by giving gifts, spending extra time, expressing phony feelings
    Manages everyone else's relationships...
  • Takes on problems of all family members as own
  • Interferes in communication efforts of siblings, kids, biological parents
  • Keeps family members from forming direct relationships with one another
  • Insists on being included in all activities
  • Deprives parents and children of needed private time and space together
    Assumes peacemaker role...
  • Fears another family loss
  • Believes difficulties imply failure
  • Denies problems exist
  • Shuts out negative emotions
  • Reacts defensively when stated feelings and real feelings clash
    Strives to be perfect and thus counteract "wicked stepparent" myth...
  • Allows no imperfection in self as parent figure
  • Avoids mistakes at all costs
  • Suppresses negative emotions
  • Refuses to state any opinions that might create conflict
    Feels sorry for children of loss...
  • Tries to make up for children's parental loss
  • Pities children and delays grieving process necessary to heal
  • Indulges, pampers and therefore prevents stepchildren from learning to understand life as it really is with its pain and adversities
    Insists on family unity...
  • Views goals as happiness and harmony at all costs
  • Uses family "togetherness" to show outsiders "how great we're doing"
  • Dictates activities and denies free choices among family members
  • Diverts family members from preferred activities
    		•  Recognizes importance of noncustodial parent...
  • Respects children's need and right to love that parent
  • Helps stepchildren nurture relationship by encouraging them to write, phone, visit
  • Allows pictures and mementos of biological parent without creating conflict
  • Invites parent to important milestone ceremonies and events
  • Strives to be added parent figure and friend rather than substitute parent
    Acknowledges existing bond between new spouse and children...
  • Realizes it's natural to feel closer to biological children
  • Reduces jealousy and competition for time and attention
  • Controls resentment when child and parent need time alone
    Allows time for relationships to develop...
  • Focuses on process of developing as a family unit
  • Values each small success as evidence of relationship growth
  • Minimizes worrying or trying to force progress
  • Resepects and accepts others as new family forms
    Manages own relationships with each child...
  • Avoids interfering in other people's problems unless invited
  • Encourages family members to care for own needs and relationships
    Understands family life cannot always be happy...
  • Accepts that problems exist
  • Understands that unhappy experiences teach children coping skills
  • Allows full expression of emotions whether negative or positive, pleasant or unpleasant
    Possesses the courage to be imperfect...
  • Rejects fairy-tale myths and unrealistic media portrayals of stepfamilies
  • Understands every mistake does not reflect cruel-stepparent image
  • Realizes the way people learn is by making mistakes, thinking about them and trying again
  • Shares own mistakes to give children permission to be imperfect and human
    Accepts grief and loss as part of life's experience...
  • Encourages children to fact the reality of death or divorce that preceded stepfamily
  • Feels empathy, not sympathy, with children of loss
  • Helps kids confront and express feelings that grief elicits
  • Provides strength and encouragement so children can move in to the future
    Lets go...
  • Permits children to belong to two families with a minimum of fuss
  • Allows children to spend time with peers, activities and other parent without fearing stability of stepfamily is threatened
  • Plans family activities without forcing participation
  • Uses time away from children to enhance relationship with spouse
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    A Memo From Your Child
    TO: Mom, Dad
    RE: Me
  • Set limits for me. I know quite well that I ought not to have all I ask for. I am only testing you.
  • Be firm with me. I prefer it. It lets me know where I stand.
  • Lead me rather than force me. If you force me, it teaches me that power is all that counts. I will respond more readily to being led.
  • Be consistent. Inconsistency confuses me and makes me try harder to get away with everything I can.
  • Make promises that you will be able to keep. That will encourage my trust in you.
  • Remember that I am being provocative when I say and do things just to upset you. If you fall for my provocation, I win and I'll try for more such victories.
  • Keep calm when I say, "I hate you." I don't mean it, I just want you to feel sorry for what you have done to me.
  • Help me feel big rather than small. I will make up for feeling small by behaving like a "big shot."
  • Let me do the things that I can do for myself. If you do them for me, it makes me feel like a baby, and I may continue to put you in my service.
  • Correct me in private. I'll take much more notice if you talk quietly with me in private rather than with other people present.
  • Discuss my behavior when the conflict has subsided. In the heat of conflict for some reason my hearing is not very good and my cooperation is even worse. It is all right for you to take the action required, but let's not talk about it until later.
  • Talk with me rather than preach to me. You'd be surprised how well I know what's right and wrong.
  • Help me feel that my mistakes are not sins. I have to learn to make mistakes without feeling that I am no good.
  • Talk firmly without nagging. If you nag, I shall protect myself by appearing deaf.
  • Let my wrong behavior go without explanations. I really don't know why I did it.
  • Accept as much as you can what I am able to tell you. I am easily frightened into telling lies if my honesty is taxed too much.
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    Stepping Stones For Parents
    Prepared by Charlotte Shoup Olsen, Ph.D.
    School of Family Studies and Human Services, Kansas State University
    Parenting can be a challenge in any family, but living in a stepfamily can add more issues to the parenting role. Children look at the world differently than adults. Partners forming stepfamilies expect joy, peace and happiness that may have been lost in earlier relationships. Children may view the stepfamily much differently.
    Much of what children understand depends on their age. At each age, there are certain feelings and reactions that children will experience. For some children it is a happy event to have a new family with more people around. For others, the many changes and uncertainties are difficult and challenging. Generally, children ages 9 to 15 may have the hardest time adapting to a new family situation.
    Research indicates that it can take four years or more for a stepfamily to feel like a family. It can even take 18 to 24 months for children to be friendly to a new stepparent. There are many differences, many personalities and many difficult situations. That is very normal.
    Learning to handle new relationships in a positive way enables the stepfamily to move toward the happiness which the partners are seeking. Stepfamilies must work at being understanding and flexibly, and develop a style of their own.
    Stepping stones for parents...
  • Take your time, and expect love and care to come slowly through shared experiences with stepchildren.
  • Discipline may work better if the biological parent takes the lead with the stepparent's support until the stepparent-stepchild relationship is stronger.
  • Give your family and yourself permission to try things differently. Since there are no rules or perfect ways to be a stepfamily, find out what "fits" for your family.
  • Expect negotiation and conflict to be part of everyday life in a stepfamily.
  • Give children accurate information about what is happening in the new family that is appropriate for their age and stage of development.
  • Discuss rules and roles, and make them clear so that the children understand what is expected.
  • Try to understand children's feelings, especially when they are not what you expected.
  • Expect family members to grieve over the loss of their old family, or the loss of living like a first-time married family. Talk about these feelings.
  • Share negative statements and feelings about the absent parent with someone other than the child.
  • Assure the children that love is not limited. They can like or love all the members of the family, including a stepparent, and still love and care about the absent parent.
  • Spend time alone with each child and in various combinations of family members. But, do not force togetherness, especially with teenagers.
  • Learn as much as possible about child development, effective parenting and stepparenting practices.
  • Work cooperatively with the absent parent--as far in advance as possible--to make arrangements necessary for smooth holidays and other special occasions.
  • Build your own stepfamily traditions. Include family members in discussions about changing old traditions.
    • Stepping stones for couples...
  • Pay close attention to the couple relationship. Schedule time together on a daily and weekly basis.
  • Keep fun and romance in your relationship.
  • Present a united front to the children when dealing with expectations and discipline.
  • Take turns actively listening to each other's concerns without becoming defensive.
  • Consider granting a limited power of attorney to the stepparent for use in emergencies.
  • Communicate about family finances with your partner on a regular basis.
  • Review all insurance policies for coverage and beneficiary status.
  • Review and revise your wills or make one if you do not have one.
  • Join a support group for stepfamilies if you would like support from others with stepfamily experiences.
  • Seek professional financial and counseling services, if necessary, to help you overcome major hurdles.
  • Keep your sense of humor; you'll need it! A little laughter can brighten the day.
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