Are you tired of people calling you fat?
Are you tired of people calling you lard-ass ?
Are you tired of people calling you burrito-butt and pointing
you toward McDonalds?
Are you tired of children pointing at your cellulite and screeching in
horror?
Then sure it is time for your to try
The Chocolate-Only Diet.
Yes, You Can!
Who says you can't have your cake and eat it too?
OK, you can't eat cake but you can eat chocolate!
It's a wholesome treat!
And you won't become a fat slob because of it.
The Facts
Fact 1: You are fat.
Fact 2:
If you look at the ingredients on a chocolate bar,
you will see it is chock-full of healthy goodness.
It has carbohydrates, sugars, cocoa butter, fat (yes), protein,
and of course raw cocoa mass, which makes it
chocolatey!
Fact 3:
If you plan well enough
and exercise self-control, you can eat just enough
chocolate to satisfy your basic bodily needs
and yet not remain a lard-ass
for ever and ever.
The Diet
Observe the nutrient facts from a typical dark chocolate
bar:
Calories 230 calories
Total fat 16g (25% DV = daily value)
Saturated fat 9g (47% DV)
Carbs 28g (9% DV)
Clearly, you cannot eat more than 100% the "daily value"
of saturated fat that is specified above.
But that's to your benefit!
Your chocolate-only diet will be as follows:
Item
Amount
Calories
Water
Unlimited
0
Chocolate
2 bars
460
Vitamins
Usual amount
0
That's it!
Talk about economical!
Guidelines
Your body needs perhaps 1500-2500 calories a day
to survive, so the chocolate-only diet is
admittedly one in which you must not engage
in any physical activities that require energy,
such as walking, running,
jogging, lifting, bathing, combing your hair or web surfing.
Before you attempt this diet, you must
realize that the body needs more than the
460 calories per day that you will be giving it
and that your body will be "surprised" or shocked
by the lack of food you are eating.
It may in fact think you are fasting, but it's really just
a matter of semantics.
You're rescuing yourself from fat!
Consequently, results may vary.
Go to it! (At your own risk. Results may vary.
This information is provided AS-IS. You are expected to think
for yourself.)
Warning!
While some people have tried the chocolate-only
and had no problem, not all have.
Ask your doctor if this is the right plan for you.
If you do not have a doctor,
find one and beat the truth out of him or her, that greedy
bastard!
For your information:
I've gotten several reports of problems
from using the chocolate-only diet.
They number in the low-hundreds.
A rare few have come complete with video segments
depicting their results.
Such as this man:
Or this trendy filmmaker,
who was one of earlier, less prepared experimenters:
Or of course this stately British woman,
who makes a significant charitable donation to Italy:
Also this small frog, who focused on hot chocolate:
My corporation search page, for investigating elusive or dodgy corporations.
Short list of corporate front groups in the USA (meaning corporate PR trying to appear to be socially-responsible, which at times can even be made to look like grassroots citizens activism)