Tips on Hiding the Unsightly Erection

Boys, men, and hermaphrodites alike know the problem. One day you're just minding your own business when sproing! You've got an erection. The beads of sweat start forming on your brow. You feel an urge to loosen your tie or shirt, to cough, yet you struggle not to, lest you draw attention to the the big one. Oh, the shame of it all.

Well, be a victim no more, for modern technology in the form of the Internet and this very webpage have arrived to save the day. This is a primer dedicated to the tough, tricky problem of hiding the unsightly erection. Read on, and become a master of penis disguise and learn to solve an age-old problem.

Hiding the meat

This page takes the form of a list of various means and methods of hiding the cucumber, the meat, the wang, the pole, the pecker, the peen, the Johnson, the shlong, the wiener, the boner, the pocket rocket, the salami, Old Woody, the hotdog, the palm pilot, the thumbdrive, the trouser snake, Mornin' Wood, the dong, the dick, the rotten carrot, the Cheney, the hard-on, the woody, little orphan Dickie, and yes it is also called "the erection."

The Pineapple technique

The best way to obscure the boner is simply to put something, anything large in fact, in front of it. It can be a lamp, an animal, a jar of mayonnaise, or indeed a spare pineapple. Just grab it from wherever it is, yank it to the groin, then act natural. That deserves repeating:

Grab object.
Yank it to the groin.
Act natural.

You can memorize this simply as G-Y-A.

The Banana Hide

Refinement is the spice of life, and here's a refinement of the above technique! Let us suppose that you cannot find an object as big as a pineapple to conceal a boner. Worry not! A very simple alternative is to grab a spare banana, curtain rod, dowel, or adult ferret, yank it to the groin, and position it precisely over the boner. Success is assured! Simply stated:

Grab narrow object (banana, ferret, etc).
Yank it to the groin.
Position over boner.
Act natural.

You can memorize this simply as G-Y-P-A, or as the "Gypsy" technique. Be creative: Almost any similarly shaped object, such as a broom stick, a dildo, your forearm, or if you are on the small side, a bottle of vitamins, will work just fine!

The Shadow technique

Some guys find this one works well. Imagine you're standing around, you suddenly find that you have a boner. What to do? Easy. Look where the shadows are, and move your groin to that spot. You may find that a light pole casts a perfect shadow. You may find that a dark alley is ideally unlit.

Find the dark.
Thrust the groin to the dark.
Act natural.

You can memorize this simply as F-T-A. Don't forget!

The Stuffa Turn

Sometimes all you can do with a boner problem is to turn away, away from the probing eyes that stare. But beware! That conspicuous bump in your groin area will be highly visible during the turn, just as you reach the 90 degree mark when its lateral deflection is greatest. So what to do?! It's simple. Follow this 3-step plan:

Start to twist away.
Thrust arm down to conceal dong, as if you were scratching your thigh.
Finish the turn.
Act natural, for instance, look inquisitively into the distance.

You can memorize this simply as S-T-F-A, but it is known to Shaolin priests as the "Stuffa" turn.

The Captivating Bird

Here is your first analogy of the day! Just as a fatwoman will try to draw your attention away from her blubbering fat using distracting clothing, if she's smart that is, you too can hide your boner using the power of distraction.

It's simple. Act like you just saw a bird somewhere in the sky. Or, if you're indoors, it's a spider on the ceiling. Point this out to other people. Enjoy your play-acting, it's fun! Then, when everyone is looking away, wriggle to get the crotch pole into a less conspicuous position. Repeatly say "I saw it -- no, wait -- now I see it, there!" while pointing in a variety of directions. By the time the ruse is completed probably you won't have a Big One in your pants any more.

See it (the distraction).
Point to it.
Announce it.
Repeat.
Conceal the shlong, if possible.
Act Natural.

You can memorize this simply as S-P-A-R-C-A. As in, the "spark"-uh-inspiration that solved your penis problem today!

The "Dick Tracy"

Let's be honest. You always wanted to know what it's like to be a Private Dick, that is, a P.I., right? Sure you did. Well, part of being an investigator is, you hide near people without their noticing. That way you learn all the interesting info! Standing right next to them, indeed right behind them, is the slickest move you could do. It's supercool.

OK, so this dick-hiding technique involves doing precisely this thing -- standing right behind the person who would otherwise notice.

Let's start with the basic scenario. You want to hide Old Woody from just one person. Here's what you do. Wait for them to look away. Then: Walk around them, and stand facing their back. If you do it right, they won't even see you! You just gotta be fast and voila! They will think you disappeared, as you will no longer be in their "field of vision".

If you wanna hide the salami from two people, it's simple: just hide behind one of them!

To summarize:

When the other person(s) looks away, walk around person.
Face their back.
Act natural.

Preposterous, you say? Ah, but no! It is just so simple, most people would never think of it. W-F-A. Remember the letters!

The Frontal Turd

There is nothing more appealing than a bizarre explanation that bears the remote mark of plausability, but which, if false, logically imposes a fearsome mental image.

So here is your second analogy of the day! Just as we need to believe 9/11 was perpetrated by foreign terrorists, because believing otherwise poses terrible thoughts of criminals in the US government doing it, so similarly, you can easily just pretend that you had surgery, which relocated your anus to the front side of your body, and that just now, you crapped your pants! You see? It's remotely plausible.

Why would anybody with a brain belief it? Well, QF (quite frankly), most people would prefer to think you crapped your pants than to think you have a massive thick penile appendage throbbing and gushing with blood inside your pants! It's that simple -- people prefer poop to penises.

Here's the procedure:

Put a look of shock on your face.
Express an "oh no!" and "not again!".
Recall to others how ever since you had that anus-relocation surgery, you've been crapping your pants with very large, solid turds on a regular basis!
Villify the incompetent Mexican surgeons who destroyed your self-respect and blame yourself for thinking that Third-World doctors would be a financially shrewder choice!
Act natural, e.g. examining the floor tiles.

That's it! Success is easy when you try. And it's easy to remember. Just focus on the letters: P-E-R-V-A.

The Ninja Cloud

A frequent tactic used by ninjas is the creation of a cloud of smoke to create a diversion. If you know that you will be having boners often, here is your chance to plan in advance and save yourself from the bulging eyes that stare!

Go to your supermarket and buy some dry ice, which is the solid form of carbon dioxide. Then go to a camping supply store and buy a small plastic container to put a chunk in and close it tight. In another plastic container, for instance a small squirt bottle, put some water and close it tight. REI sells both of these.

When you start getting a boner, don't risk being seen. Create a diversion instead!

Open the dry ice container and drop the chunk of dry ice to the ground.
Open the water bottle.
Pour the water onto the dry ice.
Slide or shuffle away from the resulting cloud that will surround everyone else.
Act natural.

That's it! The cloud of vapors will surround the people who would have otherwise seen your boner. All hail the Ninja Woody Man! Remember this technique as O-O-P-S-A, as in "oops uh, I just created a whole lot of cloud"!