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Job Ad: Candidate Required
Copyright © 2006,2008 by Zack Smith,
All rights reserved.

Individual sought to run for major party office. We need a team player who must be willing to do the following:

  • Take legal bribes from large corporations who will later demand "favors" (Note! This job does not involve prostitution!)
  • Schmooze executives and assess their needs for greater profitability, which may include dismantling democratic structures and abusing thousands of innocent people. Must be OK with that!
  • Formulate clever plans to provide whatever companies require while hiding that from the voting public. Note this may involve starting bogus foreign wars.
  • Pretend to be a devout Christian to get suckers the faithful to vote for you (no familiarity with Christianity is required).
  • Be dependable as regards doing precisely what you are told, like voting party line even if it means the destruction of the country.
  • At no point, repeat, at no point may you mention any of the evidence that 9/11 was not perpetrated by Muslim bogeymen.

Perks include hookers, interns, and unlimited Starbucks coffee. Jellybeans negotiable.

Republicans preferred! Lieberman lookalikes acceptable but must enjoy physical contact with Saudis.

Objections to satire may lead to immediate termination.

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