Before therapy Living with a veteran who suffers the effects of Post-Vietnam Stress is like running blindfolded with weights on. Nothing is easy; the smallest tasks become monumental. Nothing is reliable; the rules change the minute you understand them.

 

The wives who have a Vietnam Veteran loved one to care for, often suffer from what has been called 'The Splash affects' of P.T.S.D.. The following responses are all to often found in these overlooked and forgotten ones

1. Constant tension and anxiety because she never "knows what he'll do next".
2. Critical or self-righteous, martyr attitude because of "what he has been through".
3. Continual manipulation of the Veteran and/or circumstances to "be in control' in a situation that is out of control.

May have few friends, or be unable to relate to friends as she would like to because:
- the Veteran has alienated them with his attitude in the past
- the Veteran has isolated the family and/or is jealous of them relating to others
- she has alienated friends because of her constant "family hassles"
- the friends and family she does have are always telling her to "get rid of him"
- Constant thoughts of leaving the Veteran with very high and low points centered on the thoughts  "because he needs me" or "he won't be able to survive without me"
- Fear of leaving the Veteran because of what he may do to himself and the family - feelings of being trapped.

****Sexual problems, feels that she cannot be truly intimate with her Veteran
****Distrust of God, "How could He let this happen to me?"
****Low self-esteem
****Escapes into a fantasy world - TV, thoughts of having affairs, compulsive buying sprees, etc
****May lean on children, friends, or mother too heavily for emotional support.

- Sense of helplessness and hopelessness, "tired of trying"
- Sets self up for disappointments
- Low self-esteem that results in poor personal appearance, dirty unkempt home, etc.  

****Resentment and bitterness develop over the years, not only towards the Veteran, but others as well
****Withdrawal from Veteran and family emotionally
****Constant fear and anxiety
****May provoke or instigate fights or arguments with the Veteran, or "take it out on the kids"

In an attempt to keep the family stable, may take over the financial and other responsibilities as well as the "wife" and "mother" roles, leading to such traits as:
- Think and feel totally responsible for others
- Perfectionism
- Feel safest when giving
- Nagging or silence
- Peace at any price
- Doing things out of a sense of duty
- Feelings of anxiety, pity, guilt and the need to "help" husband and others
- Constantly harried and pressured, time pressure
- Takes blame for  husband and children for 'spot' they are in
- Feelings of anger, victimization, un-appreciation and being used

****Guilt for having married the Veteran, having the children, or if the Veteran leaves
****Constant financial stress - never knowing how they will be able to pay mounting bills, how long he will work for, or be able to keep his job
****Feeling that "it's my fault - if I were a better wife he would be different"
****Feel guilty about just about everything
****Fear of rejection

- Feels that "if one more thing happens, I'll go mad"
- Over-commitment leading to constant time pressures

 

****Take out frustration on the kids
****Kids may become severely withdrawn or demanding, hyperactive and agitated
****Children may have taken over responsible roles to try to balance the family
****Children may have no/less friends because of negative home environment, leading to their loss of self-esteem ****May try to find fulfillment in other worthy causes, including getting over-involved in church, children's activities, or other "worthy" organizations or projects

 

- Denial that she or the children have problems..."after all, in spite of the circumstances, look how well I have kept it all together"
- Denial that the husband has a problem, or totally blames the Veteran for all the problems
- Denial that the Lord Jesus Christ, or anyone else can help her husband or her family. "I have tried everything I possibly can already and it doesn't work".

 

Wives of Vets with P.T.S.D.

 

Studies have shown, spouses of members with P.T.S.D. have:

• lower levels of self esteem;

• limited coping skills

• ineffective use of over compensation;

• lower levels of happiness and marital satisfaction; and

• increased levels of distress.
   

 

Spouses of Military Members with P.T.S.D.:

 

• "Today we just have to survive."

• "Neither of us is sleeping: I feel the stress all of the time."

• "It affects me when it affects him."

• "I would think it was me. I put on a lot of weight and didn’t like myself anymore. I had become aggressive. I felt I wasn’t wanted in his life."
   

How P.T.S.D. can impact on wives and vets relationships

 

Emotional Numbing/Distancing

 

• Numbing almost always causes havoc in the marriage and other relationships requiring the expression of deep feelings.

• The members difficulties in acknowledging their feelings, their fear of loss and their fear of emotional pain often prevent him/her from establishing an emotionally close relationship with his/her spouse.

 

Possible Effects of Distancing/Emotional Numbing On Wives:

 

• Over extended roles and responsibilities.

• Feelings of rejection.

• Feelings of isolation.

• Disruptions in the sexual relationship.
   

 

How Anger can Impact on the wife in their Relationship:

 

• Lashing out at your wife when angry, verbally or physically, can lead to feelings of fear, betrayal, rejection, guilt, and self blame.

• Repression of anger can lead to feelings of depression, medical problems, and eating disorders.
   

 

Possible Effects of Hyper-arousal:

 

• Decrease in communication of personal or familial issues.

• Sleep disruption.
   

Domestic Violence

 

• P.T.S.D. does not cause domestic violence, however, it does increase the risk for this to occur.

• Domestic violence includes verbal aggression (cursing, criticism, name calling); emotional abuse (controlling behaviour, humiliation); physical violence ( hitting, kicking, grabbing, shoving), and sexual abuse (forcing sexual acts without consent).
  
   

  Good Support Group For veterans Wives