1. When you are sad -- I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and tell you to quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why?, you may ask: Because you are my friend!  Remember:

A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move the bodies. (Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.)

Did you make any resolutions for the New Year?

Heck no!  I'm fine just the way I am!  Why should I change?  In fact, I think it's high time the world started changing to suit ME!  I don't see why I should do all the changing around here!  If the New Year requires resolutions, I say it's up to everyone else, not me!  I don't need to improve!  Everyone else does!

He Deserves Death.

Deserves it!  I daresay he does.  Many that live deserve death.  And some that die deserve life.  Can you give it to them?  Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement.  For even the very wise cannot see all ends.

-Gandalf

Mini-rant

I, Paula Westerfield, do ever so solemnly swear that I will never, ever, have a "wardrobe malfunction" on stage in front on everyone on the planet, ever.  I know that this is a bitter disappointment to "everyone on the planet" but, with regret, I must draw the line somewhere.

(signed) Paula Westerfield

Part II

Paula,

Go ahead, ruin my day.

(signed) Jennifer

OK...Somebody please tell me why, oh why, is it that everything works until you actually want to use it?  Why is that?  Why is it that you can buy an expensive peice of equipment and it works just fine until you want to do something important with it - then it developes a glitch?  Why is that?  Why is it that you can have this oh-so-lovely ensemble in your closet that you're dying to wear, and finally the perfect occasion comes along and you get the thing out and you're all excited and you put it on - and you TOTALLY don't look like you did in the store?  Like, you look actually kinda STUPID in the thing, and what the hell were you thinking?  Why is that?  Why is it that you can be in a store looking for something, and you look and look and look and you can't find the frigging thing so you finally find a salesperson and ask where the stupid thing is - and they point to it you're standing right next to it?  Why the hell is that?

I'm having one of those days.

(Names changed to protect the innocent)

I sat next to the Duchess at tea.
It was all that I'd feared it would be.
Her rumblings abdominal
Were truly phenomenal
And everyone thought it was me!

We few, we happy few, we band of brothers

And gentlemen in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That played with us upon this rockin'gig.

E is for egg.  See the egg.

The egg is full of slimey goosey white stuff and icky yellow stuff.

Do you like to eat eggs?

E is also for Ernie.

Ernie is the genie who lives in the ceiling.

Ernie loves eggs.

Take a nice fresh egg and throw it as high as you can and yell "Catch, Ernie! Catch the egg!"

And Ernie will reach down and catch the egg.

Need brooks no delay, yet late is better than never,

And mayhap in this time shall the old saw be proved truer than ever before since  men spoke with mouth.

-Eomer