"March Madness & April Foolishness"; April 01, 2001
Hey-o!! Spring is in the air...even in LA where it's warm all the time. (You can tell it's spring in LA because the air gets crunchier.) I hope all is well with everyone, because my world has been somewhat of a suck-fest lately.
I'd officially like to declare March a waste, please.thanks. Giving March Madness an entirely new meaning, I spent much of the month being pissed off about one thing or another...(there's a shock.)
A few weeks ago, I went to pick up lunch for work. I arrived at the deli at noon. By the time I left 20 minutes later, I noticed my cell phone was gone. I dropped the food off at my car, went back inside the deli and looked around. Then, I asked if anyone had seen my cell phone. That was met with the little Mexican Deli Master handing me the deli's telephone. "No, I don't want your phone.I want my phone." He said "No. Your phone not here. You have turkey." I wasn't really sure what he meant by that, since I actually got an Egg Salad sandwich.
So, I retraced my steps, wandering around my car, inside my car, outside my car. No phone. So I thought "Hmmm, well, it's possible that I left it in the office." I had done that earlier that morning, and it certainly wasn't the first time. So, I decided that's what happened. (Even though I distinctly remember carrying it into the deli.)
I get back to the office, and, of course, there's no phone. Now it's time to search the car. As many of you know, this can be an arduous, daunting task, and certainly not one to be undertaken on an empty stomach. So, the Egg Salad wins.
After lunch, I enlisted the help of Cowboy Wes. His assignment: Call the phone repeatedly while I search the car, so I can follow the noise and recover the phone. I also told him to feel free to lasso it, should it turn up in the office while I'm gone.
Ten minutes later, there was no ringing in the car. It was time to go back inside and face the high-pitched digital-ring- music. The phone is gone! I did, however, manage to find a golf ball and some Smurf-Berry Crunch cereal underneath the seats.
At a loss, I called the deli again and asked if my phone had turned up. The man said "Weren't you the turkey just in here looking for it?" I said "No, I had the egg salad...and I was just wondering if it maybe turned up." Uhhhno.
Okfine. So, on I go with my day. I keep calling the phone, hoping that someone, somewhere would hear their roast beef sandwich ringing, get suspicious and answer it.
Alsono. I called the deli once more a few hours later. and got in trouble. "Didn't you call earlier? Your phone not here. Someone probably walked off with it." I said "Fine, but if your coleslaw starts vibrating, it means I have a voicemail." The guy pretended to take down my number and said he'd call if anything turned up.
But no such luck. After a few hours, I suspended my cell phone service until the phone turned up. I called the phone one last time to see if the culprit would answer. Nope.
Certainly, people get along without cell phones everyday. I, however, am not cut out for that kind of life. I quickly proved this mere hours later when I locked my F-ing keys inside of my F-ing car. Thank God I keep a spare key in my wallet...which I could see LYING ON MY FRONT SEAT inside my aforementioned F-ing car. I think it is pretty obvious that the energy that cell phones emit not only cause brain cancer, but they also hook your brain into them and slowly suck out the intelligence and common sense built into most human beings.
So, the search began for a new cell phone. Luckily, Sprint PCS operator Robin came to the rescue. I called her up upon discovering that Sprint had dozens of special offers for phones for new customers. I asked "Don't you have any specials for, say... jackasses that have been customers for a long time, but lose their phones?" She said "I don't know if that's the proper name for the offer, but I'll check."
Robin came back on the line and announced that she's going to tell Sprint that I'm thinking of canceling my service since I don't have a phone to go with it. Then she exclaims, "I hope I'm not being monitored!" And so, they've sent me a free $130 phone. It's exciting, I'm excited. So, while I still have crappy Sprint PCS service, at least they gave me a phone. (Yes...the number is still the same--213-842-5134 for those of you not paying attention.)
So, at least the story has a happy ending. But I've been messing up left & right lately.
Even when I'm trying to be nice, it backfires. For example, a few weeks ago, I was leaving my apartment to go to work. The apartment building next door's dumpster is near where I park, and I can see it as I'm walking towards my car. Many times, you can find homeless people digging around it, looking for cans and bottles to recycle. (Their Motto: "Save the Earth so I can pee on it later.")
This one particular rainy morning, I was running late, and saw a woman standing by the dumpster drinking out of a bottle of water. My heart went out to her immediately. I thought "Oh my God.this poor woman has to dig through dumpsters to get a beverage." I felt REALLY bad, and had a bunch of loose change in my pocket.
So, I thought."well, I'm going to have to give her money. this is just the saddest thing I've ever seen." I'm rushing to my car, trying to avoid eye contact, and fishing through my pocket to get her a few bucks in quarters. I get the quarters out, and begin to walk briskly over to her, as if I'm a double agent in the KGB, trying to slip her some microfilm. Luckily, I had many hours of experience playing "Spy" with Toni Sitoy @ PST & Shelly The Spy in San Diego. I approached her like a ninja. I wanted no recognition.I just wanted to give her the loot and get the hell out of there.
I was in the middle of thinking "Wow..maybe I'm not a bad person like everyone says I am," when all of a sudden I hear this woman say "G'morning, Jeff!" I look up thinking "That's not the secret spy code word!!! And even if it was...I'm *SURE* she shouldn't be using my name with it!" Upon closer inspection, I realize that this is no ordinary homeless woman! She's a homeless woman that LIVES IN THE BUILDING NEXT DOOR. Apparently, she had just gotten done her morning run, and looked ravaged from it. She was finishing off her healthy bottle of water and tossing it in the dumpster before heading to her apartment to wash the morning smog off.
Good thing I took that improv class with The Groundlings! Thinking quickly on my feet, I pretended that there was an emergency in my trunk and that the loose change in my pocket simply HAD to be in there ASAP. Most people keep a coin jar...I keep thousands of dollars in loose change in my spare tire now, just to keep this facade alive.
But, onward and upward! March also gave us a few CELEBRITY SIGHTINGS!!! Not the least of which is Mr. Justin Timberlake of N Sync fame. I was the lucky person chosen to deliver a turkey platter to his dressing room while he was the special guest on The Wayne Brady Hour. I was also forced to explain the use of mustard to one of his friends, who seemed confused by the condiment when I brought it in.
I found it particularly amusing that his friends were playing with a fart- machine. I thought "Ohmygod...here's this 19 year old guy who has more money than anyone involved with West Coast Jeff will ever have, he's dating Britney Spears and he's hanging out with guys that are sitting around making fart noises with a keychain." I'm glad success hasn't gone to his head.
I would have met Sheila E, too...but she was bumped off the Guest List for the Wayne Brady Hour taping so that Chafing Amy, Goatee Greg, and MichaelHead could go. Sheila E. is our band leader's sister. And our guest lists were shortened to 2 people each. She didn't make the cut. Which is sad, because only Chafing Amy decided to show up.
Also available for your sighting pleasure: The man who created ALF--> Mr. Bernie Brillstein. (He's the Brillstein in "Brillstein/Grey Entertainment") Despite my urge to slap him upside the head for creating Alf, I resisted for fear that I'd never work in this town again. He's got an amusing book "You're No One in Hollywood Unless Someone Wants You Dead."
Following his advice, I almost ran over Emmy-Award Winning Producer Don Mischer's dog the other night. I had just dropped off a tape to Don's house, and was driving away. I was a good 1/4 mile down the road when suddenly, Brownie, 5, ran up along side of my car and jumped in front of it. I jammed on my breaks, horrified, and when I came to a stop, there was Brownie with his two front paws on my bumper, wagging his tail. (Which is the puppy equivalent to laughing it's ass off.)
Had I actually run the doggie over, I decided that my course of action probably would have been to take the dog, put him in my trunk, and never breathe a word of it. There is no way I could tell the producer of the EMMY'S that I killed his dog--in front of his two little kids. If that makes me a bad person, so be it. I admit it...I'm ugly inside.
Well, that about wraps it up for the moment. Don't forget--the Spring Forward/Fall Back campaign doesn't exist anymore. They've done a pretty crappy job of reminding everyone that the reason they even started changing the clocks back and forth doesn't exist anymore, so they've decided to forgo it altogether. My opinion: I just think George W. never quite got the hang of the time change. So, keep your clocks the way they are! Your computer will try to change them automatically-- you'll have to re-adjust. But you're smart folks...I'm sure you already figured it out. And that's One To Grow On.
COMING UP:
DaveLip returns to West Coast Jeff, and a new character with three nipples arrives!!
PLUS: The biggest event to hit West Coast Jeff....EVER!!!
But first...let's not forget our Last Thousand Words--which, this episode, shows you that there is a far worse threat than Foot & Mouth disease creeping across the globe. Something I like to call Fresh Mouth Disease...Check out the picture everyone will be talking about 'round the water cooler this week at:
http://www.pond.com/~uhjefffreshmouth. html
