"Untitled"; April 16, 2001
What a jam-packed weekend!!
Friday the 13th! Easter Sunday! TAX DAY!!!
Since you are all extremely busy, I'm sure...let me get right into this edition of West Coast Jeff!!
We'll start off with some Celebrity news:
A few weeks ago, I was scheduled to see "Weird Al" Yankovic to drop off some of his fan mail. I have been to his house a couple of times, and that night was no different.
Picture it: The Hollywood Hills, Last Wednesday, 2001. I called Al in the afternoon and left a message reminding him that I'd be at his place around 7:30 that night, and that if he needed to change it, to feel free to give me a call.
No call...so I promptly arrive at Al's house (late) and proceed to knock on the door and ring the bell. No answer. Then I lathered, rinsed and repeated...still no answer. So, I use my trusty new Sprint PCS (R) cell phone and call...and the machine picks up. So, I leave a message: "Hey, Al--it's Jeff the mail-boy...guess I missed you. Give me a call and we can reschedule."
Now, keep in mind that it's been a while since I've visited Al...and the mail has piled up. I have my entire trunk and back seat loaded with presents from Christmas, Birthday & Wedding...not to mention piles and piles of regular fan mail. (As regular as Al's fan mail can possibly get.) And, since I had a new guest arriving with a superfluous nipple, I needed all the room in the apartment I could get.
As I'm on my way back DOWN the long and winding hill, Michael AssHead calls and says "hey, let's go to dinner." I say "Okfine" and go and pick him up. We are on our way to food when Al calls. He says "I must have had the TV up too loud--I'm so sorry!" I say "Oh, it's no problem..." and he says that he'll be there if I want to come back. So, I tell Michael that we need to make a pitstop. You could tell from the expression on his face that he knew this was going to be a Typical West Coast Jeff Adventure. He seemed mildly annoyed by the fact that, instead of going to In 'N' Out burger, we were now on our way to "Weird Al" Yankovic's house.
And then UP the hill we go...through the windy roads...up, up, up until our ears pop, and then we go up some more. We finally wind up in front of Al's house again, where I bang on the door and ring the bell.
Again, there is no answer. By now, Michael is fielding calls from his own friends, asking where he is...and with a bewildered tone, he answers "I'm in front of Weird Al's house...but he's not answering his door..."
OKso, I call Al back "Hi, Al--I'm outside." And he's all "Really? I don't hear the bell...are you ringing it now?" as I'm pressing the button. I report "Yeah...I'm pressing it right now."
"Hmm...maybe it's broken...I'll come down and let you in." Just then, I turn to my right to head back to the car to make sure Michael isn't eating anything from the floor and I see a giant FOR SALE sign in front of the garage.
"Al, I have a question. Did you move since the last time I saw you?" This was met with dead silence for about 10 seconds. I thought my phone cut out (thanks, Sprint). So I say "Al?" Nothing. "Al...are you still there?" The man who has made me laugh so many times throughout the years then began to LAUGH HIS ASS OFF at me. I'm not talking a chuckle... he was on the ground laughing at me. Finally, he regains is composure long enough to say "Didn't anyone tell you I moved?!"
So, back down the hill we go, and up ANOTHER hill to get to Al's new (and very nice) house. Michael is still mad that he had to live through this West Coast Jeff Adventure.
In other news--it's Tax Day...and I hope you all filed already. I had my taxes done a couple of weeks ago by Frankie Franco. I don't want to imply that he's in the mafia, but he did time with my Aunt Mary The Blade. Oh, and he gave me my refund in rock, which I had to sell down by the pier. ("What's the problem--the street value is worth twice as much as your refund! Just sign here. And, for Chrissakes, Junior...if he asks for a receipt, don't give it to him.") Thanks, Tony Soprano.
And now, West Coast Jeff gives you Ways To Avoid Getting Audited:
1) Don't File.
2) The George Foreman Grill is not a write-off.
3) Neither is your prostate exam.
4) Contact lenses ARE a write-off...so, next year, remind me that I put
my contact lens receipt in the top drawer by the computer. 5) If you MUST donate to a charity, make sure it's not one of those fakey ones, like the united way. West Coast Jeff suggests the following:
STOP: Save The Oppressed Polyesters
STARF: Save The Acid Rain Forests
OJFUE: An organization that vaguely has something to do with priests...
6) The IRS likes it when you give struggling writers who live in Hollywood money to produce a sitcom. In fact, studies show that the more money you give those writers, the less likely they are to kill off characters similar to you in their sitcoms.
7) If you send M&Ms with your tax return, they'll put you in the special "Sweets" category, who never get audited.
So, be sure to keep those in mind for next year's filing bonanza.
The Offices of West Coast Jeff would like to officially welcome Art Ralph & his Third Nipple to the set. Ralph arrived last week via BUS from Philly. He lives in LA now. Actually, he lives on the couch now. (NOT the futon). DaveLip (from the first season!) will be sleeping on the Chlamydia Futon for one week only beginning this Wednesday--so wackyness is sure to ensue! Just in time for me to start my new job as Assistant Coordinator for...(drum roll please).....The Stuntman Awards. I'm giving 10 to 1 odds that I'll be on fire before the end of this show. And 2 to 1 odds that Dave will be on fire before the end of the week.
And now, it's time for The Last Thousand Words...which, this time can be found at:
http://www.pond.com/~uhjeff/titlecard.html
Have a great day, everyone...and I'll leave you with the following, which I awoke from a sound sleep to write down because, at the time, I thought it was hilarious:
"You ran around looking for a lover...
but you found yourself a horse full of shit."
If you have any idea what that means, or where my mind might be, please feel free to let me know. I'll print the best suggestions in the next episode of West Coast Jeff!
Peace Out, Yo!
--Jeff
