"May Sweeps In Review"; June 03,, 2001
Well, it's what you've all been waiting for--the very late May Sweeps Edition of West Coast Jeff!
And that means this episode is chocked full of goodness! It's the season finale! There are Cliffhangers and Major News packed here! And, more importantly--it means SUMMER RERUNS are coming soon!!!
But first, this casting announcement:
We are proud to present the arrival of YET ANOTHER new member joining the cast of West Coast Jeff! Well....sort of. You see, DaveLip's recent appearance on The Program garnered such press, that he has decided to become a regular on the show again!
One of the cast of thousands of former roommates I have, Dave moved back to Philly after being here in LA for about six months. (In that short period of time, he managed to, among other things, give my futon chlamydia, and break up Damon Wayans' marriage.)
Times have changed, and he got a job offer during his recent visit...he now works very closely with Burt Ward (Robin from the old Batman & Robin series) And so, with an almost fairy-tale like ending, Dave now officially resides in this little West Coast Jeff Community called Hollywood again.
Add that to the mix of Goatee Greg and ArtRalph & his 1 magical third nipple, you get a teeny tiny apartment filled with pink eye and gay men.
Ralph & Dave were staying here for a while, officially becoming West Coast Jeff's first Fire Hazard.
Luckily I was busy at work while they were here. Unfortunately for me, it was at the worst job EVER.
I was made Coordinator on a terrifyingly bad project called The WORld STunt (WOR.ST! for short) Awards, sponsored by Red Bull. (It may give you wings, but it tastes like urine.) The Germans who were running this show were apparently Nazis... that's the only explanation of their deviant behavior.
I was anally raped daily on this show. It was, by far, the worst experience job-wise I've had out here (and keep in mind I sorted pictures of chairs for a while.)
By the end of this show:
When all was said and done, I honestly felt like I had been eaten by that tiger and pooped over a cliff. I can't convey to you the shittiness quotient of this job.
I will never get over this.
Cowboy Wes, who took me kicking and screaming to this hell on earth is now high up on the list of mortal enemies because of it.
Now, as if the mere fact that I had to put up with this enormous piece of crap known as the WOR.ST! Awards, I am also in the middle of a fierce custody battle with none other than... Arnold Schwarzenegger.
You see...there are these Austrian treats called Manner Wafers and, apparently Arnold is a big fan of them. So, they made him a GIANT 3X4 FT BOX FILLED with these wafers!
AND...they even changed their sacred logo! Instead of saying "MANNER" it says "ARNOLD"! It's pretty cool. Cowboy Wes & I hauled this giant load of Hazelnut Satisfaction into Arnold's trailer ourselves. So, you can imagine our surprise the next day when we found the empty box top FACE DOWN in a PILE OF TRASH inside of the venue.
Of course, being the candy culturist that I am, I seized the opportunity (and the box) and took it home, where it now hangs proudly in the dining room on the wall.
But, since Arnold is without his Manners...he is now asking for this box top back. His people have been calling the WOR.ST! people daily. Apparently, he didn't realize that the box said "Arnold" on it until someone mentioned it later. Obviously, we can only draw one conclusion from this: Arnold Schwarzenegger is illiterate.
That's right--a West Coast Jeff Exclusive! Arnold Schwarzenegger can not read! If he doesn't want this getting out, I highly recommend he cease & desist his quest for MY box top/piece of pop art.
Just because Arnold can't read, my decor should not suffer. This is an outrage, and one that will not be tolerated.
UN-ACCEPTABLE.
Obviously, the press is reluctant to pick this up, what with his alliance with Maria Shriver (who, frankly, I'm surprised at for marrying someone so desperately in need of Hooked On Phonics). Yet another nightmare to add to the long list that is The WOR.ST! Awards: "Man Beaten by Kindergarten Cop Over Massive Foreign Wafers."
I've been taking legal advice from Cowboy Wes, who keeps telling me to keep it until the Nazis actually come to my house to re-claim it. I said "OK, they come to my house and torture me until I give up the box...what happens then?" Wes, in his infinite cowboy knowledge & Texas drawl said "Well...we beat them twice before..."
World Peace vs. Wall Decoration...it's a tough call. (I mean--the box is REALLY cool!!) Anyone up for a nuclear holocaust?
To Be Continued....
The only good thing to come out of this show that I can see is that I got to go to a stuntman's house, only to have his wife relate a fascinating tale about how this was the place where Erin Moran (Joanie from Happy Days) lost her virginity. That's right...I was in the house where Joanie loved Chachi for the first time. Try buying THAT on ebay.
But, the WOR.ST! is over, and I have REALLY BIG BIG BIG BIG NEWS!!! There is a light at the end of the tunnel for my job woes. The Wayne Brady Show got picked up!!! Six episodes to air this summer!!! And...I have been asked to be the Writers' Assistant!! This is HUGE!!! I can't put into words how excited I am about this. (Probably not the best quality to have in a writers' assistant, I'll admit...but, bear with me.)
And so, now that the big news is out of the way, let's review what we learned during May Sweeps:
1) Red Bull Sucks
2) Wayne Brady is Cool
3) Erin Moran is a whore
4) So is Jeff Goldblum
5) Arnold is an illiterate, inconsiderate Nazi.
To see what all the fuss is about...check out a photograph of
the infamous Manner Wafer Box Top, which is The Last
Thousand Words for May Sweeps:
http://www.pond.com/~uhjeff/manner.html
Be well, everyone...until next time!
okbye
--Jeff
