"WCJ Summer Blow-Out pt.1"; August 06, 2001
On the last episode of West Coast Jeff:
We left off as I was gearing up to begin my new job as Writers' Assistant for The Wayne Brady Show. I was also preparing to do battle against Arnold Schwarzenegger who, after his lame-ass appearance on The WOR.ST! Awards decided to take his aggressions for being illiterate out on me and try to steal a giant box of cookies from my dining room wall, officially creating a melee. Quite a fuss for something I found IN THE TRASH.
We were also arranging for a flurry of guest stars!
And so, without further ado, allow me to welcome you to.
The First Summer Rerun Edition of West Coast Jeff for 2001! A Double Issue!!
For those of you who are new subscribers, the Summer Reruns consist of favorite stories & issues from the past-mostly from West Coast Jeff's East Coast days, along with some new amusing anecdotes to hold your interest.
Today's rerun is what I like to call "The Last Straw: River of Doom." It was probably THE turning point when I realized "I hate my friends SO much, that only moving three thousand miles away will make me feel any better." You will also hate them by the end of this story.I'll make sure of that.
But first.The action-packed conclusion of:
The Arnold Schwarzenegger Box Top Custody Battle To The Death!
This situation came to a head a few days after the last episode of West Coast Jeff came out. I was raped of the pink package in a conflict of StrongMan Competition proportions, almost worthy of its own pay-per-view special. I accepted this tragic end to the valiant struggle against evil.but not before I got secret revenge! I took this Hazelnut monstrosity to Kinko's Oversize Department and ordered one color copy. I was told that it was too big, even for them, and that it would have to be put on two separate giant sheets of paper. And so it was done.
Final Price: almost $100.00, which I kindly charged back to the Wor.ST! Awards Account, courtesy of a plot devised by an unnamed honky-tonk co-conspirator. Afterwards, I took the box and DRAGGED it along the, whereupon I danced on it. (It WAS, after all, in the trash.an oft-repeated point during negotiations with Arnold's people.) And though a blank wall replaced my pop art, I think we all learned a little something from this:
Battles with stars are good for ratings!!! West Coast Jeff is proud to announce our 100th Subscriber!! That's right.one hundred people, many of whom are classically trained in the art of comedy!! I'd like to thank everyone for reading (and hopefully) enjoying West Coast Jeff!
But I won't.
I will however give you an update on my new job. I've started as Writers' Assistant for the Wayne Brady Show (Be sure to watch on ABC: This Wed 8/8 @ 8PM!!). And, I must say, it is the greatest job I have ever had. And I'm not just saying that because work-people read this. (Big shout-outs to Cowboy Wes, Raquel & Juliane, who may or may not still have Crazy in her hair.look for her to share her trauma in an upcoming West Coast Jeff!)
In addition to Wayne Brady, I'm working with Michael Short & Paul Flaherty.both of whom wrote for SCTV, Mad TV, and many other random shows. Of course, you probably know their brothers: Martin Short & Joe Flaherty. That's right.I am working with Ed Grimley's brother. Odd, yet strangely appropriate.
A great example of the witty banter that wafts through the office: Paul recently stuck his head out of his office and said, "Ummm, Jeff. nothing personal..but what are those pants called that have the ass cut out of them?" Nothing personal?
Another fine example is The Legend: Buz Kohan. Buz wrote for the Carol Burnett Show! His offspring is also very prolific, having created Will & Grace. Buz has been in the business since before the dawn of time. He's done everything ever, including writing a song with Michael Jackson!! (Who often calls him in the middle of the night, just to say hi.)
Buz is filled with incredible stories: He has Raquel Welch's piano. Ann Margaret bought him his first electric typewriter (IBM Selectric II, with an Orator font ball), and he won't use any other kind to this day. Dean Martin gave him a Xerox machine. and he tried to convince everyone that he is Liza Minelli's real dad. (After doing research, the math says its impossible.but anyone who can successfully convince a room full of people that he MIGHT be Liza's dad is a genius in my eyes.) It also helped that, after most of the people who heard this tall tale left the room, he went into his office, dialed his phone, and called Liza herself, just because he could! The remaining people in the office were officially flabbergasted.
My favorite story so far, though, has to be one that I lived through! Buz went across the lot here at CBS Television City over to the offices where they are working on The Carol Burnett Show Reunion to say hi. Twenty minutes later, he comes walking in with Carol herself.
I was on the phone trying to make an appointment to get measured for a tux (more on that later.) The kind salesperson at Friar Tux (no, I'm not kidding) became a distant memory as his voice faded out and I hung up on him. I stood up at my desk. Then sat back down. Then repeated this process twice. They came walking over by my desk.my mouth opening & closing as I struggled to not drool. Carol walked by and said "Hi!" I think I stood up again.it's all pretty fuzzy.
Buz asked where the cast was, and I reported that they were upstairs. They both exited as Cowboy Wes & Sheri The Script Sovereign came into the office. I was sitting down again. "Was that.!??"
"Yes." I replied.
"Where did they go?"
"Up to meet the cast."
Wes demanded: "Go Upstairs NOW and look at Brooke's face!"
Brooke is a cast member on our show (you may remember her from her McDonald's "Big & Tasty" commercial, where she rode a roller coaster and screamed) and her idol is Carol Burnett.
Sheri and I decided we would both go up. So, as The Legend and Carol Burnett (and her lovely daughter) stepped into the elevator, Sheri & I RAN up the stairs and burst into the rehearsal room and sat down. Moments later, Carol Burnett walked in and announced how excited she was to meet Wayne. The cast, stunned, all just stared. Carol enjoyed the pilot so much that she watched it three times. Her exact quote was "Thank God you're doing this!" She promised she would be on our show if we get picked up for more episodes, and lamented the fact that she was too busy with her own production to be able to be a part of ours.
Brooke stood there, mouth agape for the duration of the visit, which consisted of general accolades from both Wayne & Carol. I honestly don't know who was more excited.
Later that night, Marlee Matlin showed up to meet Wayne. I didn't get to see her, though, so we'll move on.
Besides all the big name stars, there have been many visitors to the land of West Coast Jeff so far this summer! People such as St. Thomas of Streeter-Patron saint of McChurch, and his lovely wife, Carla of Streeter.
They were in town for some convention that he blew off.so we went to a cemetery and got scared, then to a Dodger game where a paper airplane flying around the stadium provided hours of entertainment for us all. Once it landed by first base, we were bored and left.
Shannah & Jeff Grossman, StoryLori's sister-in-law and brother, respectively, also joined us for an Independence Day convening! Mayonnaise and turtle jokes prevailed.
Art Ralph and his third nipple had some visitors. Spider Dan & Sultry Steve were in town for a week, and everyone had a blast during the first Hot Broccoli/WCJ crossover. Sultry Steve brought out his digital camera and got yelled at repeatedly throughout his stay. It was good, clean comedy.
Also making appearances: Rene' Lego (Slated to become a regular during Season 3!), and "Quaker Tara" Golden, from my Assau Broadcasting Era! She's technically no longer Tara Golden, seeing as how she got married to some guy named Mark Liebersomething-or-other. But, I've never met him, so he's officially the Question Mark, and she's still officially Tara Golden. With all of these people coming to the set of West Coast Jeff, it's only fair that I fly back to my roots this August in the "West Coast Jeff One Day Sale/Wedding Spectacular!!" I'll be flying home to assist in the festivities at the lovely Jessica's wedding. Jess was kind enough to invite me along as her (brace yourself) Person Of Honor.
Actually, according to official wedding documents, I am the Head Cheerleader.
The wedding is (brace yourself again) on August 11, a rather infamous day in the realm of Jeffyism as most of you know. (See West Coast Jeff's "Happy August 11th, Everybody" Issue, 8/11/00). I got measured for a (re-brace yourself) tuxedo. And, according to the Tuxedo Guy, I am "all legs and no torso." It was going to be a surprise, but I might as well tell all of you now.I had torso-removal surgery. It's all the rage here in Hollywood.
Anyway, being a pioneer not only in torso-removal, but also in the world of "Persons of Honor", is quite a thrill for me, and obviously it is a work in progress. What does a Person of Honor do? Well, here are just some of my duties:
.
If you notice anything I should be doing, feel free to drop me a line and let me know.
We'll pause here for a word from our sponsor.
Stay tuned for more West Coast Jeff! We'll be back in two &
two!
