"WCJ Summer Blow-Out pt.2"; August 06, 2001
And now the exciting conclusion of West Coast Jeff!
While I'm home this weekend, I'll be seeing the stars of the first Summer Rerun: "The Last Straw: River of Doom!"
Picture it: Summer, 1998, Philadelphia.
I had been pretty aggravated at my job situation for a while. I was working for a family of radio stations (a cluster, if you will) and I hadn't had a day off in about 2 months. I was working weekends and nights, in addition to my regular full-time job there, and I'd had just about enough. So, I decided that I was going to take a Friday off and have a "me day." I was going to turn the phone off, turn the TV on and just hang out. I wasn't going to leave the house.I just wanted to sleep in and relax. My parents were going to be gone.it was just going to be me and the cat. And she was going to be locked in the basement.
I had casually mentioned it to some of my friends. This is what we'll refer to as "Mistake #1". My friend Kake, the stupidest person on earth, said "Hey! That's a great idea! I have off that Friday-why don't we go out?"
"Well, Kake, that's because it's a 'Me Day.' Not a 'You & Me Day'."
BigSean got wind of this and said "Hey! Why don't I take off that Friday, too?! I have vacation time I can use!!"
Kake: "Yeah! We can all go tubing down the Delaware River!!"
As I sat there, astonished, noticing that my relaxing day alone had already tripled in size and gotten on my nerves, I wondered aloud "Tubing? What are you, out of your damned mind?"
Kake & BigSean were very interested in this idea, though. "No! It'll be great!" they assured me. I reminded them that my entire point of this was so that I could sit at home and relax. Alone.
"We'll be in a tube, floating down a river in the sun. It's going to be SO relaxing!" "You'll be all kinds of content!" "You won't even know we're there." I wasn't buying any of their propaganda. "I don't know how to swim, I'll drown." I'm not really a Mother Nature kind of guy. That cord was cut long ago, when I used climb trees and get stuck in them.
Truth of the matter is, it really DID sound relaxing. But, the fact that my friends were turning my Me Day into a We Day was a little threatening to me and I really didn't want any part of it.
"Just imagine tanning in the sun, a cool river breeze blowing as you float smoothly down the river..all sedate.instead of being annoyed at your desk all day long." Kake had obviously OD'd on some travel brochures recently.
I got caught up in the moment & was convinced. We'll call this "Mistake #2".
And so, all week at work, I was talking about going tubing down the Delaware. I was a little wary, but everyone at work really supported my decision. Katya, in particular: "Awww.you'll have so much fun! I love taking the kids tubing!" Well, Katya's a mom!! She wouldn't lie!!
Then comes Friday. I'm awakened by Kake beating down my door at 10:30 AM. They wanted me ready at like 10. I'm already annoyed because I can't sleep in. I let her in (Mistake #3) and she immediately starts screaming about what we're going to have for lunch. Meanwhile, I haven't even wiped the sleep from my eyes yet. I'm trying to get ready for a shower and she's yelling about mayonnaise.
I'll spare you the ugly, gory details about our painful trip to the Tubing Center. Just be aware that it took us two hours to get there. It was like Moses himself was leading us there, biblically slow. When we finally got into the river (Mistake #4), a series of traumatic events occurred, second only to the series of traumatic events that occurred when we finally got OUT of the river.
First off, we had to tie our tubes together with a rope. This was slightly more complicated than getting there in the first place. After that, we had to actually get INTO the tubes. This should qualify as an Olympic event. BigSean did not have a problem, but Kake & I bruise during this scene.
Once we finally did get settled inside the tubes, I hear Kake scream something that sounded like "Oww.my foot is caught in the glub, glub, glub." Sean and I look behind us and notice that Kake is not on her float anymore, as we float happily downstream, dragging Kake unhappily behind us, the rope around her ankle.
Sean and I jump out of our tubes in order to try and stop her from dying (Mistake #5, 6, 7 & 8) We right the situation and place her into her tube, unfettered, correctly. BigSean gets back into his tube, and by now the water is up to my shoulders, which means I can't climb into my tube. They begin to float faster as I fight to keep up with them, trying desperately to situate myself on top of my float, holding on to the side for dear life. BigSean finally has to climb back OUT of his tube, pick me up and place me on top of mine before we can continue.
Sean then hops back into his tube, which begins to deflate immediately.
We're ten minutes into the three hour adventure, and I want to die because now, we're all walking down the middle of the Delaware River as BigSean is blowing up his tube. A few minutes later, we finally get back on track. We are all floating on our tubes and in absolutely no danger of drowning for the first time since our day began.
About fifteen seconds later, almost as if on cue, the storm clouds rolled in. It didn't rain at all.but I will note here that the cloud did, in fact, stay directly over our heads the entire time we were in the water.
Soon after get comfortable in our tubes (not that we had much option, stranded in the middle of the sea), we begin to feel rocks up our asses. Yes, the water suddenly became ONE INCH DEEP. And so, we're forced up and out of our God-forsaken tubes again. We're actually carrying them next to us as we step upon the rocks that make up the river bed.
We walked a while, and as the water rose past our shins, we were able to get back into our inflatable tubes, which were obviously filled with Evil. (Except for BigSean's, which was filled with Hate from his own lungs.) A luxury that we had taken for granted up until now. This was short lived, though, because Kake dove out of her tube and into the water again, screaming and insisting that something had just bitten her ass. Sean and I laugh at her, and convince her to get back on the float, reasoning that her ENTIRE body is now at risk, instead of just her ass.
Now, I know what you're saying. "Jesus H, Jeff.you three have already suffered a lifetime of punishment in just one afternoon!" I know, I know.but it actually gets WORSE!!
For about twenty minutes, we floated smoothly down the Delaware River. We got too comfortable on our We Day, and we came to a crossroad. We could either go down the "Path of Tranquility," or the exciting "Dangerous Rapids." "Oh, how cute," we thought. Katya brings her kids here.I didn't think they were actually DANGEROUS Rapids! I just thought they were a family fun thing, like at Six Flags. (Mistakes 9-88)
Cut to us CAREENING out of control towards an overturned canoe that went down at that spot in 1957. The waves constantly crashing around it have made a nice pointy death trap for Kake to head towards. We all immediately started paddling to our left as we crapped ourselves. Kake finally had to fling herself OUT of her Amityville Float so she could swim away from Instant Death. (Damn...so close!) Sean and I were dragged quickly past the Death Canoe as Kake hopped back into her tube just in time for us to reach the end of the Dangerous Rapids.
Then we stop moving altogether. We are now sitting, floating, waiting, bored, wet & scared. We paddle some more, hoping to catch a current. But, oddly enough, once the rapids were through, there WAS no current. Apparently some sort of rift in nature occurred because we actually started to float BACK UP THE RIVER for a moment.
And so, we're out of our tubes, walking again. We decide that, since we can see the where we parked our car, that we will just walk the mile ourselves. Have you ever walked for any length of time in waist high water? It tends to make you irritable.
When we finally get back to the car, ravaged, soggy, starving, freezing and itchy from the mosquitoes and whatever sour funk Kake had carried along with her to ruin this splendid We Day. At this point, I should add that our three hour tour has is now WELL INTO it's fourth hour, and we're one of only 2 cars in the lot. That's right-people who took the FOUR hour run are ALREADY GONE.
We stumble over to Kake's car.having not said a word to each other for almost 45 minutes. I was actually fantasizing about being at work by now.wishing I was at my desk stressing out over a bump list on a commercial log, or trying to fill out affidavits. ANYTHING would have been better than this. Then, Kake broke the silence. "Shit."
"What?" I manage to ask, already on the verge of tears.
She's pressing the "disarm" button on her keychain, and nothing is happening. "I think my car alarm shorted out when I fell out of my tube in the Dangerous Rapids."
BigSean: "Fucking Dangerous Rapids."
I suggest that she just unlocks the door, and we'll deal with the noise from the alarm as we are getting changed. She inserts the key, turns it.the alarm immediately sounds, snapping the car door locked again. Wouldn't you fucking know it? Now we are locked out of Kake's car, which is currently housing our dry clothes, our bug spray & our will to live.
So, the alarm is going off loudly as we shiver. Luckily, the one last person who worked at the Tubing Authority was getting into his car at the time & came over to help us. We unscrewed Kake's keychain alarm, trying to dry it out and make it work. After about 20 minutes, we were successful.
We got our stuff, dried off, and got into Kake's car. We weren't thinking straight &, decided to go out and eat (Mistake #89). We were obviously too hungry to really wrap our minds around the day's events. And so, we arrive at TGIFridays completely disheveled, and pretty rank.
Our waiter took one look at us and started laughing. He realized quickly that he was messing with starving, annoyed people, and tried to pep us up. "Hey, guys! Looks like you had a rough day!" Is this how the cast of Gilligan's Island felt when they were finally rescued? SHUT UP AND BRING US FOOD!!
By now, I was so hungry that I could only see in black and white, and much of the memory has been wiped from my brain. So, I'll skip ahead to the part where Kake spilled her coffee all over the table. It was a only a half-filled mug, but it had at LEAST four pots of coffee inside of it. The warm liquid covered the table, soaking each of us, along with the floor and her dinner.
The happy waiter saw the mess and went to retrieve paper towels. He returned just in time to witness BigSean start to choke on his Pizzadilla. Luckily, Kake.A NURSE.was sitting next to him. Acting quickly, she immediately sat still and stared at him as he turned red, coughed and threw up all over the coffee-soaked table. Kake quickly did her Martha Stewart impression and covered up the bile.
no-longer-happy waiter then approached and said "Uhh...Guys.I hate to do this, but you're my last table of the night. Are you just about done here?"
Yes, that's right-even our Happy Waiter wanted to make sure he didn't catch our funk.
I didn't speak to them , or to Katya, for weeks.
And that wraps up this double issue of West Coast Jeff! Not that we need another thousand words.but Tony, the Wacky Neighbor is complaining that he hasn't been featured in a few episodes. As many of you know, The Wacky Neighbor Union Local #9 staged a walk-out, so we haven't seen him around for awhile. Luckily, they came to a settlement. Basically, they were holding out for a greater assortment of sodas in their neighbor's fridge. Thankfully, Tony's back, and I have a picture of him taken during this valiant fight: (Yes, this is a revenge thing.)
http://www.pond.com/~uhjeff/wackytony.html
Until next time.here's what you have to look forward to in the next issue of West Coast Jeff:
JerryER! discovers the beauty of his lips. and Chafing Amy discovers the beauty of The Leakest Blink!
Plus: West Coast Jeff's sure fire ways to find out if you have worms!
Okbye
**IN LOVING MEMORY OF CHRISTOPHER HEWETT, TV'S MR. BELVEDERE. AMERICA'S FAVORITE PORTLY BUTLER PASSED ON AT THE AGE OF 80 OVER THE WEEKEND. SHUT UP, WESLEY.**
