"Has It Been That Long?"; September 13, 2001
Preamble:
Dear Loyal Readers…
Before we get started, I just want to take a moment and let you all know that no matter how evil the world can be, friends like you make it better. I may hate you all on the surface, but deep down, I can tolerate you. I feel like we all need a little distraction after the events of the past few days. So, for those of you who want something else to focus on for a moment…I’d like to respectfully present the latest West Coast Jeff.
WCJ: Has it Been That Long!?
Hello, and welcome to another Summer Rerun Edition of West Coast Jeff!
This particular episode is special because it marks the end of our Second Full Year On The Air!! That’s right—I have been West Coast Jeff for two years now!
To celebrate, this issue's Summer Rerun will be the story that depicts my entire journey to the West Coast, The very first WCJ broadcast: The Blair Witch Road Trip: Now With Newly Discovered Footage!!
But first…The Latest News!
When we last left off…I was getting ready to go to The Wedding Feast of The East: Jessica & Rob! Jess looked beautiful. I was the Person of Honor at this ceremony, which consisted mainly of myself and the bridesmaids laughing at Robert’s 2 year old nephew, the ring bearer, who decided to go on many an adventure on and around the blessed altar. And no, for the last time…I was NOT in a dress!
That weekend, I spent more time in airports and on airplanes than I did getting actual sleep. But it was totally worth every sleep-deprived second. By the time I got back to LA, I could no longer see shapes, only aromas. Anyway, those of you who saw me during my appearance: Let me issue an official apology right now, because I was in no shape to be seen. Your money will be refunded & you will not be ignored during The WCJ Christmas Special.
Speaking of Christmas Specials, I am proud to say that The Wayne Brady Show got picked up for 6 more episodes… AND a Christmas Special!! Thank goodness we got picked up…because I need all the income I can get to cover the therapy bills caused by “The Ralph & Tina Trauma.”
My parents came to visit me a few weeks ago. The Visit started off ugly and went downhill from there.
They were pretty excited to be here. It was only their second plane ride, and their first time visiting me in here in LA. So, for their first night in town, I wanted to take them out somewhere special to eat. I asked what they were in the mood for. Figured I’d let them choose the food, and I’d choose the place.
Their response: Pizza Hut.
“Pizza Hut!? I’m NOT taking you to Pizza Hut. You can go to Pizza Hut at home.” So, I took them to Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles.
My mom freaked out. “IS THIS PLACE GOOD?! YOU’RE NOT TAKING ME SOMEPLACE THAT’LL GET ME SICK, ARE YOU?!” And, although it did cross my mind more than once, I reasoned “Do you really think I’m going to give you something ELSE to bitch about?” Of course, each time we went out to eat, it was the same stupid argument.
Tina & Ralph were in town for their 40th Wedding Anniversary. 40 years. To take my Dad’s mind off of that, I told them that I wanted to take them to a Mexican Restaurant. Biggest mistake of my life. Tina immediately freaked out. “I AM NOT EATING MEXICAN FOOD!!! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!”
You see, she’s never had any Mexican food other than Taco Bell. I promised her that I ate there all the time, it isn’t spicy, it’s great food, fun atmosphere…really a great place! No. It’s like dealing with a sixty-plus year-old toddler. I demanded a good reason why she refused to try it. Finally, I got one.
Tina won’t eat Mexican Food because of Phil. PHIL. A guy she works with. “Phil always eats Chinese food, and this one time, this place he always goes to made him SO sick, Jeff. I mean, for days, he was sick! He must’ve had food poisoning or something awful.”
“Mom! That’s Phil. And CHINESE FOOD. That doesn’t make any sense.” “NO!” she insisted. It was then that I realized I was dealing with an insane woman with a sudden “No Ethnic Food” Policy. It was like trying to reason with the Post Office.
During day Three of the Ralph & Tina Trauma, we decided to take a trip down to Sea World. (Or, CrapWorld, as it is also commonly known). That’s a three hour car ride. Now I know how Chevy Chase felt in “Vacation.” If only we could’ve tied Tina to the roof, our trip to Wally World would have been close to peaceful.
But no. Today, Tina was playing a game where she cut off normal conversation, choosing only to speak in a few useful key phrases which get her point across in nagging, grating way. To make sure you get the full effect, say these lines in the shrillest tone you can (imagine Estelle Costanza in a blender).
So, as you can imagine, our trip to Wally World was a thrill:
A, B, A, D, A, D, E, B, A, F, F, F, E, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, B, A, A, A, D, E, E, A, A, B, B, B, B, B, D, B, D, D, F.
And the trip back?
A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, C, A, A, A, A,C, A, A, C, C, F, D, E, E, E, E, E….
My favorite part of that particular suicide watch was when Ralph, who is a pretty quiet guy (as if he has a choice), asked me a question. Tina jumped right in. “DON’T TALK TO HIM WHILE HE’S DRIVING! YOU’LL DISTRACT HIM!” Followed immediately by A, D, E, A, A, B…
Do any of you know what it’s like to have your ears actually TEAR themselves from your skull? Cuz I do. And it ain’t pleasant.
The next day was a little better. We took my mom to the Griffith Observatory. Or, as my dad referred to it the entire time: The Griffin Suppository. My dad lives in a world with his own language. I swear it’s because my mother dulled his hearing so much that he just can’t comprehend the way words are formed and is forced to cope by making up his own. Here is an example of the Ralph to English dictionary:
They were only here for five days, but the effects will be felt for the rest of my natural life, and probably even part of the after-life.
The perfect end for the perfect trip? I picked them up Monday morning to take them to breakfast. As usual, Tina is stressing me out. (A, D, A, A, B, E) I was so flustered by the time I pulled into the diner parking lot that I took the turn a little too quickly and hit the curb. Hard. As in “There’s a hole in your tire now, Jeff”
So, now poor Ralph is putting the spare on, Tina is loudly supervising and I’m busy walking into traffic. Just as I was about to jump in front of a Ford Exterminator, Ralph finished his task. After we got the tire replaced, I took my parents up to my office. This was their last stop before the airport. The end was in sight. But another Tina Tragedy struck!
Wayne Brady felt the wrath of Tina the Tormenter. She yelled at the star of the show. “You’re so terrific! I mean, really…when you do your impressions and sing! It’s fantastic! YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN FUNNY!?” I could see it coming, but I couldn’t stop it. There was nothing anyone could do. “WHEN YOU WERE DOING YOUR JAMES BROWN THING, YOU SHOULDA HAD JAMES BROWN COME IN. NOW *THAT* WOULD’VE BEEN FUNNY!”
Poor Wayne, mustering up all the nicety he could at 9AM said “Yeah, that would have been funny, ma’am.” To which my mom replied: “SO…can I get an autograph or WHAT?” Wayne is a saint and was kind and polite enough to sign a photo for them “To Ralph & Tina…thanks for giving us your son.” Later, of course, he beat the crap.
By the time they were done instilling chaos in Hollywood, it was obvious that 3000 miles is not NEARLY enough space to have between us. When they left, I went to a bar to celebrate. I’ve never been so drunk in my life. During day 2 or 3 of my bender, Chafing Amy & I decided that we were the hottest hotties in the bar, and we kept trying to pick people up. The details are kinda fuzzy, but we compiled this list of pick up lines that we came up with that, though original, didn’t quite work for us. Maybe you’ll have better luck with them…
And the number 1 pick up line that didn’t work for us:
Needless to say, we both went home alone.
I think that about wraps up this issue of West Coast Jeff. We’ll be back in a few weeks with the official kickoff to Season 3!
The last thousand words for this episode is a new picture from our Summer Rerun: The Blair Witch Road Trip, starring Becky, Clinton & Matt. Check out the photo at http://www.pond.com/~uhjeff/bwrt.html, and follow the link to the story! It’s interactive fun!
For more Interactive Fun, it is my pleasure to announce the launch of “WCJ: I” Sean Quinn (now with Teflon!) has made it possible for you to see Behind-The-Scenes footage and never-before-seen outtakes from the set of WCJ, thus earning him an Executive Producer title!
WCJ: I—The first, the best (and the only) Internet Archive of West Coast Jeff! Visit it at http://welcome.to/westcoastjeff
Be well!
okbye.
