Last year didn't prove any easier. I decided to go with something a little simpler to maneuver in. As it turns out, walking around with an Easter Basket around your head isn't as fun as it looks. About a week before the holiday, I came up with the idea of being a "Color By Number." What was I thinking? I actually velcroed magic markers to the back of a white outfit that I had put lines and numbers all over so that people could color me in. It was probably the worst costume I could have had, since I hate everyone. Especially when they are touching and/or coloring me.
And so, that brings us to Halloween 2002. What was I to do? After thinking about it silently for a few weeks, I realized that I was going to have to consult with my friends about this. I badgered everyone for weeks trying to figure out what my costume would be. I tore my hair out. I certainly needed something unique. . . Something no one would ever suspect, but everyone would recognize. At the time, I was working on the Wayne Brady talk show and it seemed to somehow have sapped every bit of creativity from my mind. I couldn't concentrate at work, couldn't think straight at home. I literally took thousands of suggestions from dozens of friends, family and web sites and not one of them felt "right."
I knew that I needed another angle. I needed a costume that wasn't going to be a pain in the ass like the Easter Basket. I also needed a costume that wasn't going to be interactive like the Paint By Number
So what to do. . .what to do?
Finally, one day, my co-worker, Clippy, our clearance guru, was bitching about something that she had been complaining about for months. You see, we had an actress from ER as a guest on Wayne's show, and the writers thought it would be great for her and Wayne to play a giant version of the child's game "Operation" on our show. So, everyone scrambled around all morning to get it done. The art department killed themselves trying to design the game, while Clippy spent the day on the phone with Milton Bradley trying to get clearance to use the likeness. And, when all was said and done, we had a picture-perfect, fully functional pool-table sized version of Operation. A fine example of team-work. Despite all the rushing
around, and the last-minute nature of the request, we had pulled it off. Then, someone realized, "Hey. We didn't tell Wayne about the idea yet!" Once he heard about it, he said, "That's kinda stupid," and just like that. . .the bit was gone. Hours and hours of work from dozens of people went into the toilet. Clippy was furious and never quite got over it. "Why didn't we ask him in the first place?!"
Months later, Clippy still brought up the Operation Fiasco on a near-daily basis. She happened to be complaining about it three days before Halloween, when I was in a complete panic about my costume for the year. Suddenly, a light bulb went off. And it was red. And on my nose. "I'll be a life-sized version of Operation!!" Possessing no artistic prowess whatsoever, I immediately went to West Coast Jeff's Art Department (Consisting solely of ArtRalph and his assistant: The Third Nipple) and said "Hey, Ralph! Think we can do this? And by 'we' I mean 'you.'"
Ralph, who wasn't working at the time, assured me that 72 hours would be plenty of time for us to gather materials and design this costume. We went shopping that night for props, including a set of BBQ tongs to use as the retractors, and I left the project in his hands for the next few days. I didn't lay eyes on the costume until Halloween night. I was left in charge of a wig and a red light-up nose. Chafing Amy stepped in with some hair and so all I was left with was the easy task of finding a clown nose that lights up.
Pretty simple, except for the fact that they don't exist. I tried everywhere. I called dozens of places in and around the Los Angeles area and even checked with the Prop Department on the CBS Lot where we shot the show. Finally, I bought a sponge clown nose with the intention of placing a small light inside of it. Unfortunately, small lights aren't easy to come by, either. Halloween night, I finally had to settle for a red flashing bicycle safety light, which, after placing it under the round, spongy nose, gave it a sort of bulbous-ass shape. But no matter! The pieces were in place.
When I walked in to Ralph's art studio (apartment), I was flabbergasted. What I figured would be a passable mock-up of the original game turned out to be a perfect replication of the board. It was truly amazing. I can not explain to you how utterly incredible this costume was. It really was a work of art. (So much so, that it hangs in my living room now.) The BBQ tongs were used to reach in and pull out the ailing body parts, making it fully functional. And so, despite not wanting an oversized costume or an interactive costume, I wound up with a dangerous combination of both. Check out pictures at http://www.pond.com/~uhjeff/halloween2002.html .
As you can probably tell, I had a bruised 'breadbasket' by the time the night was over. As we made our way down the street in the Halloween Extravaganza in West Hollywood, people stopped us left and right to take pictures and to pull my various organs out. I even carried a buzzer with me, in case they touched the sides. The LA Weekly had a brief mention of it in the following week's paper, calling it "Amazingly Detailed." And I owed it all to Art-Ralph, who spent so much time on my costume, that he had no time to design one for himself. His last-minute effort consisted
of putting doll parts all over himself and going out as a "Chick Magnet." I think the worst part of Ralph's night was when our friend, MichaelHead's sister asked, "What are you supposed to be?" Upon hearing his answer, she replied, "Oh. That's ok. I had a really shitty costume one year, too."
The moral of the story is: Don't wait until the last minute to come up with your costume! Which is why, in May, I have already begun working on my costume for this year. Of course, I still have no good ideas, so if you come up with any, please feel free to let me know.
I'll close this edition of WCJ with a photo from last Halloween that I can't even begin to explain. It is, quite possibly one of the creepiest things you will ever lay your eyes upon. If you think you can handle it, check out http://www.pond.com/~uhjeff/justplainscary.html .
The second part of our WCJ Trilogy of Terror will be in your mailboxes on Tuesday, May 20!! (Editor's Note: This is just pure fantasy) And, there is PRECIOUS LITTLE TIME LEFT in the Name The Tattoo Contest. Look here: http://www.pond.com/~uhjeff/lastchance.html The winner will be announced in Part Three of the Trilogy Of Terror at the end of the month!
Okbye.
UHJeff@westcoastjeff.com
Dont forget to visit www.westcoastjeff.com !
