"Happy August 11th!"; August 11, 2000
Greetings everyone! And welcome to another edition of "West Coast Jeff!" The only "wE-mail" that is "Entertaining! Sometimes head scratching, but never boring!!!" (John Spahn--cereal enthusiast)
Today's letter is special because, as you are no doubt aware, it is, in fact, August 11. For those of you unfamiliar with the Jeffyism Calendar (shame on you), August 11 is a day traditionally set aside for weird things to happen. Or, in my case, weirder things than usual. Since we're in the midst of summer reruns, I'll be relating to you for the first time in print: The story of August 11, 1993. Some of you know it, but the rest of you better buckle up: It's a bumpy ride.
But first, the current news:
"Jeff Hangs Out with a Popular Kid!"
That's right--after years and years of torment in high school...being stepped on, laughed at, mocked for having a mullet...I got to hang out with a popular kid! Well, ok, technically, she's an actress from the WB show "Popular". If you've seen the show, (and I don't know why you would have) she plays Carmen.
What started off as a night of poker actually ended up with five of us sitting around her apartment as she played guitar and sang for us into the wee hours. She's a great guitar player, a fabulous singer, and (unfortunately for me) a fantastic poker player as well. So the evening was a complete success, aside from the fact that I lost all my money. But it was quite useful in further blurring the line between the WB and my reality. Of course, you recall my run-in with Seth Green, star of another popular WB show, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", at a 3-D porno a few months back. I'm well on my way to collecting all my favorite WB stars.
Other Hollywood news:
Another celebrity sighting! For those of you who are fans of the new Comedy Central show "Strip Mall" with Julie Brown--one of the stars of the show--a fat guy named Harve--was eating at Wendy's while I was there last week with some crackbaby named Michael. He found me there...I don't know how. I felt bad, so I bought him lunch...but did he get into my trunk like I asked? NOOOoooo...cuz he's a bitch! *ahem*
Anyway, I had the opportunity to visit the Family Guy studios and offices today! I interviewed for a PA position. It seemed to go well--I'll find out next week if I got it or not. (And NO--it is NOT cancelled!) BigSean's Magic 8 Ball, when asked if I would get the job, reports "As I see it, yes."
It won't be terribly disappointing if I don't get it, though. You see--I'm currently employed with The Discovery Channel until Christmas. The Family Guy pays less, and I'll actually have to do WORK there. BUT--it IS the Family Guy! Meanwhile, if I stay at Discovery, I get more money and I get to play on the internet all day, writing random updates every now and again. So, either way, I get to have fun. Nyah.
Speaking of Discovery--we shot our newest episode of "Explore Our World" at the Discovery Channel Store in Santa Monica last week. The show will air on Friday, August 25. Don't watch it...it's not very good. BUT, host Harry Anderson did have the line of the evening, when he announced "I just want to let everyone know that this is the nicest show I've had... on my way down." That should give you a clue as to the quality of the program we're doing here. I believe my boss said it best when he described our show as being the one program that will destroy Discovery's credibility. I'm proud to be a part of that.
In other news--according to my latest inventory count, I seem to be short one Anti-Jeff. A thorn in my side for most of the (almost) one year that I've lived in Hollywood, BigFatRedGayle from the post office, has vanished. In fact, the last time I saw her was almost two months ago. Could it be a long vacation? Or could she have finally collapsed under her own girth? I've already got a call in to Scooby and the Gang to get to the bottom of this mystery. Unfortunately, Fred reports Velma has lost her glasses, and Daphne got kidnapped by The Stamp Collector... a moderately sized ghoul with an unhealthy fixation for self-adhesive postage, while they were searching for clues at the post office. I'll be sure to keep you posted, as always.
Otherwise, as you can see...not much has happened since the last update. But, Season 2 of West Coast Jeff is just around the corner! And it promises to be a doozy!
Here's a sneak preview:
"Sean's September Special!"
Sean Quinn, keeper of the world's largest collection of TV Tunes, will be visiting West Coast Jeff for a week in September!
November sweeps sees Donna, my crack whore sister, in the Southland...
...and a 10-year Jeffyism Anniversary Tour is in the early planning stages!
And, speaking of Jeffyism Tours, I'm proud to present to you this classic story of "August 11, 1993."
Picture it: Naperville, Illinois. It's a breezy night...the date: Exactly SEVEN YEARS AGO!!!
AUGUST 11, 1993
"It's the greatest day of my life that I'd never want to relive." --Chair Organism of Jeffyism, Kevin Kibelstis--8/11/00
Your four characters: Kevin, BigJeff, BigSean, and myself...who will lead you through this true story of intrigue..suspense...and supernatural coincidences that will make your head swim.
It is early in the morning...like 2AM early. A fine mist has spread over this quiet suburb of Chicago. Well...as quiet as it can be with four loud kids roaming the streets during their last summer before college.
We weren't causing trouble or anything--just sort of walking around... talking...occasionally bursting into a song here and there. Nothing out of the ordinary.
Until--we walked past a cemetery and BigJeff began relating a chilling tale of how kids from his high school had disappeared in there. Never to return! Upon hearing this tale, we each began telling scary stories. My contribution to this was to scream and pee my pants.
Once I regained control, I recalled a TV special I had just seen on about the Men In Black. And we're not talking about Will Smith here. The "real" Men In Black are these creepy guys who wear all black, drive black sedans, etc, etc...and come to your house and threaten you and your loved ones if you've seen a UFO. Basically, if you talk about the sighting, you become ground beef. (Perhaps this is what happened to BigFatGayle!)
Anyway, time passes. As we continue on our way, we approach a field. Around this time, we begin hearing power-tools. Mind you, it is fast approaching 3AM...so whoever is running their tablesaw is simply rude. But, I digress.
We enter the field (the opposite direction of the tablesaw) and walk for a bit. Suddenly, in the middle of this open field, we see a figure, approximately 30 feet away from us, to our left. We stop. I turn around to find BigSean is missing. I yell "Where's BigSean?" and turn back to look behind us and I see BigSean standing there...about 30 feet behind us. This places him also at approximately 30 feet from the unknown assailant. I turn back to the guys and say "Oh--there he is." When we turn back again (a mere moment later), he was gone! After soiling myself for the 2nd time that evening, we ran over to where BigSean was...and it turns out that he just decided to lie on the ground to tie his shoe or something.
But, it was scary anyway.
So, after calming ourselves down, we noted that the figure still hadn't really moved. So, after calling out to it several times, the two "Bigs" ran over to it. It was, as it turns out, simply a well-meaning trash can, which we knocked over and ran away from.
But, it was scary anyway.
Moving on--we decided that it might be best for us to walk back to BigJeff's house...it was pretty late after all, and since wild trash cans seemed to be roaming free at all hours of the night, it was pretty dangerous. So, along we go, back to our safe haven. Unfortunately for us..the night was just beginning...
On our way back, myself and BigSean heard footsteps behind us, as BigJeff felt someone following us. Without saying a word to each other, we all turned around at once to see Kevin staring blankly at us, wondering what our problem was. As we peered around him...we saw nothing and kept moving.
Finally, back at BigJeff's house...at around 4:15AM, we were out talking. BigJeff and BigSean were near the end of the driveway, by the street, as Kev and I chatted closer to the house, myself facing the street (and consequently BigJeff and BigSean), and Kevin facing me & the house.
We were happily talking away when suddenly, in mid-sentence, Kevin's eyes suddenly dart above my head...above the house...and his face turns pure white. (I'm talking dead guy white here...) His jaw dropped to the ground and no noise could escape his mouth. To this day, I have never been so scared as I was at that moment. I yelled "What's wrong, Kev!?" He looked at me for a moment, blinked as if being awakened from a hypnotic trance and said "Uhhh....nothing." The fear in his voice drove me to the edge and I literally ran around him and jumped behind him...shaking. BigJeff and BigSean, hearing the commotion (IE: My girly screams) and ran over. "What's wrong?!" they shouted. Kevin, thinking that we would simply dismiss it as his mind playing tricks on him said, his voice still shaking, "Nothing. I thought I saw something--but you're not going to believe me after what we've been talking about all night."
I looked at the others and said "Kevin--after seeing the way you looked, you could tell me that The Pope and Phyllis Diller were playing Connect Four on Jeff's roof and I'd believe you. People can't just make the color vanish from their faces at will!!!"
Kevin said "Ok--I swear to God, I think I saw a UFO fly over Jeff's house and it looked like it landed in Jeff's yard."
BigJeff & BigSean looked at me and without saying a word, we went to Jeff's backyard where we found...you guessed it...
Jeff's pool filled with water.
But, it was scary anyway.
We filtered back into the driveway, where our hellish nightmare would continue to unfold. This time, I faced the house, Kevin faced the street and the two big guys completed the circle on either side of us. As we tried to make Kevin explain to us in detail what he saw (A bright light heading towards Jeff's pool) suddenly BigJeff & BigSean looked alarmingly into the street. Jeff said "Did you see that?" BigSean said "Yeah! I just saw a light over there and when I looked it was gone." Jeff said "It looked like the tree was on fire, but when I looked over, it wasn't." Okfine...
So, a few moments after this unamusing incident, a black car pulled up slowly, stopping in front of BigJeff's house. Frozen with fear, we just stood there...watching. The car seemingly watching us back. We couldn't move. It didn't move. We didn't blink. It didn't blink. What seemed like hours went by, but in reality it was likely only 10 minutes. But it was BY FAR the longest ten minutes ever. One of us said "Should we go over there?" Our silence made it obvious that were not even going to entertain such a ridiculous thought. The already tense situation magnified itself when suddenly, the driver's side window rolled down. The driver was not visible...and there was no evening light to speak of, as it was 4:30 in the morning, and even the moon had had enough of these antics and decided it was best to retreat early for a nice cup of hot chocolate.
Another moment or two passed, and I wet myself a seventeenth time when an item was tossed out of the open window. The window was then closed, whereupon the car sped--BACKWARDS, MIND YOU--back the way it came, across the intersection, and into a parking lot, before finally driving forward down the main road.
In awe of recent happenings we just stood ther some more. A couple more minutes went by before the BigSean and BigJeff decided to check out the present that was left for us. I looked at Kevin and said "No offense--but I'm staying with the big guys," and I ran after them like a child.
We discovered, much to our horror...
that they were delivering the newspaper at 4:30 in the morning.
But it was scary anyway.
Defeated and gray, we walked into Jeff's house where we sat in the kitchen reflecting upon our nightmare. At around 6AM, BigJeff's mom came into the room and noted "you guys are up early!" before turning on the news in the living room.
A few moments later, she asked if we had seen the meteor shower that was being reported on the news.
We looked at her...and I believe it was at that point that I finally burst into tears.
But--honset...it was scary anyway.
And--relfecting upon it exactly seven years later--Big Sean has this to add: "But it really WAS scary anyway!"
And thus ends another edition of the zany adventures of West Coast Jeff!
Have a great undisclosed time period of your choice! Until next time... okbye --Jeff
