"Summer Re-run Edition"; September 03, 2000
Heyhey! And welcome to the latest "Summer Rerun Edition" of West Coast Jeff!
OK, for those of you as yet unaware, I did not get the job with the Family Guy. But not to worry, I am still gainfully employed at the Discovery Channel, so I can continue wreaking havoc on them from the inside. Also, Family Guy's doors are not fully closed, so you can all relax.
This does, however, mean that BigSean's BigLiar Magic 8 Ball must be destroyed. Or, at the very least be demoted to a Magic 3 & 1/2 ball.
Meantime, since I'm stuck at Discovery...if you have the AOL Instant Messenger and have not done so yet, IM me--I'm UHJeff27.
In other job news, I got a surprise gig working at the Alanis Morrisette concert a few weeks ago. It wasn't a bad show, when she wasn't singing.
Actually, she did an acoustic set, and it wasn't as irritating as it could have been. She really connected to the fans and seemed to actually enjoy being there...she's got a good energy and was all smiles during the show. Pretty cool, I thought. So, I didn't actually tear my ears off during the concert.
And celebrities galore made appearances! I saw the lead singer from the Goo Goo Dolls, Johnny Rzeznik (the Z's in his last name make him scary). He didn't give me a very good first impression because I saw him as he was tumbling over someone in front of him. I thought he was drunk or high...turns out he's just clumsy. I kind of respect that.
So, I spent the rest of the evening trying to make Johnny kiss the ground...I secretly untied his shoes half a dozen times. I also put an oil slick near his seat, and maced him. I even dug a 12-foot ditch near his car! But the coup de grace was when I got Calista Flockhart to stand in front of him. Turns out, you can actually see THROUGH her if you're not paying close attention. So, he crashed into her as well. Calista was such a good sport about it (It was her idea, actually), that I gave her a cracker. Tragically, she collapsed under its weight, and both she and Johnny are recouperating in the Jack Tripper wing of Cedar Sinai Medical Center.
And while I was getting dinner for Alanis & her band, who should be at the restaurant but former Veronica's Closet star Dan Cortese! Yeah, I didn't really care, either. But he kept shouting "Hey! You're going to the Alanis show?" and he chased after me. Luckily, I led him directly to that 12 foot ditch I dug near Johnny's car, and threw Dan in it instead. Did you notice he was gone? Didn't think so.
The whole evening (except for the part about me getting dinner and harassing all the celebrities) was hosted by Ryan Seacrest. No one cares about him, either, but he did some guest spots on Talk Soup and is a local radio host guy. He'll have a talk show in fall, 2001. I'm yawning just thinking about it.
****
In more celebrity news, I'm proud to say that DaveLip's path of destruction here in LA did not stop when he moved back home. My former roommate may have actually been a catalyst in a messy Hollywood Divorce! This marks the first Crossover Episode of West Coast Jeff with the National Enquirer...
Earlier this year, Dave and I went to the Improv on some random weeknight...and Damon Wayans stopped by and did a never-ending set. Dave noted that it seemed as though his wife had kicked him out of their house and he had nowhere to go, so he went and did stand-up. He performed for hours. Well, maybe performed isn't the word. He was just sort of prattling on...not really making a whole lot of sense. People started leaving. It was sad...there were only about 9 people left before Dave and I finally had enough. It was late and we both had to work in the morning.
Later that week, Dave spoke to a woman he worked with about it and she turned out to be best friends with Damon's wife! Now, suddenly, we find this Press Release (slightly edited by the DaveLip News Org.)
8/25/00 LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Lisa Wayans, the wife of actor and comedian Damon Wayans, has filed for divorce in Los Angeles after 16 years of marriage, citing irreconcilable differences, according to court papers made public on Friday.
The couple separated on May 21, according to a petition filed in Los Angeles Superior Court.
*Editor's note--that's just a few weeks after Dave(loose)Lip decided to punish Damon for his bad act*
They married April 24, 1984, nearly two years after the birth of Damon Wayans, Jr., the first of their four children. They also have a son, Michael, 15, and daughters Cara Mia, 13, and Kyla, 9.
Lisa Wayans is asking for joint legal and physical custody of the children along with spousal support, attorneys fees and costs, according to court documents.
According to sources, Lisa Wayans sought a divorce after learning from her best friend, Jenni McCormick, that Damon had used their troubled relationship for a late night stand up routine. "When I heard from Jenni that that asshole had made fun of our sex life, on stage of all places, well that was when I told Damon, 'Fuck you, you bald headed asshole. I want the BMW and the kids.'"
It was later learned that Damon had in fact taped the entire performance for himself. During the taped show, Damon can be seen being unamusing, asking where he can "get some titty," and inquiring about where a good strip club was. Mr. Wayans can also be seen making fun of two young geeky white guys who apparently had nothing better to do than watch a miserable comic be unfunny.
Lisa Wayans has been living in the couples' Beverly Hills home with the children since the separation, and Damon has been staying in Hollywood with a gay character actor named Tony.
Wayans, 39, made his film debut in 1984 in "Beverly Hills Cop," starring Eddie Murphy. He was part of the 1985-86 season of "Saturday Night Live," before appearing on the sketch comedy show "In Living Color," in the early 1990s, which was created by his brother, Keenan Ivory Wayans.
He also wrote for the show, which featured his brothers Shawn and Marlon, and his sister, Kim.
Damon has vowed to seek revenge on the responsible party, stating "If I ever find the honky bastards who ended my marriage, they will need more than just a two drink minimum to dull the pain I will inflict...I'm checking the videotape!!!" Damon then passed out in an apparent stupor.
****
Well, since you're now well aware that my last roommate is in hiding from a stand-up comedian hell-bent on revenge, allow me to take this opportunity to hand over the reigns to my new roommate, Goatee Greg, for a very special segment I like to call "Pile Of Greg":
my motto is that one should
never have fun ever
it s a bit ascetic sure
i make it a point to hate work
and an even greater
point to be bored
at every moment
i m not working
i think it builds character
plus that big day i have set aside
for
fun april sixteenth
two thousand fourteen
will be so incredibly fun
for me because up until
that point i will not have ever had
any fun
at all so far i feel this is
working
the last time i officially
enjoyed myself was
september twenty second
nineteen ninety two
i was a senior in high school
and i told a joke
at the lunch table
everyone laughed
and that was when i decided
fun was not for me
gerg
XXXXXXXXX
Thanks, Greg for that, umm, pile. On a completely unrelated note, if anyone needs a roommate, I'm available ASAP. If not, don't be surprised if I wind up hacked into pieces.
****
"Theological Immunity"
If I am hacked to death tomorrow though, either by a disgruntled comedian, or a roommate that sleeps with his eyes open and floats around, or any of the other countless perils I face on any given day, don't worry about me in the afterlife...I've got "Theological Immunity"!!
You see, five years ago, I got an e-mail from a girl telling me that she had found a Mentos T-shirt at a Goodwill store for less than a dollar! She signed her letter "By the way...I'm 18 and I have really big boobs." Well, needless to say, BoobGirl and I became fast friends, especially since I was 19 at the time, and fast on my way to developing my own big boobs.
Over the years, she has provided us with such material as the acronym "LYLAF" (Love Ya Like A Freshmaker!) and other random insanity. Well, she's moved into the area and we met last weekend.
As it turns out, BoobGirl is studying to be a minister. But, as you can tell, she's got quite the unique, weird, twisted sense of humor. So I've decided that, so long as she's amused, I can claim "Theological Immunity." In other words, I have a halo. So, while the rest of you all are burning in hell, I'll be just fine. I think once she officially becomes Reverend BoobGirl, I also might be able to officially Damn you, too, so just be wary.
Those of you who contribute to my "PT Cruiser" Labor Day Telethon will NOT be damned, and for a $100 pledge, you'll get a "West Coast Jeff" tote bag. Oh, and you'll be refunded a hundred fold in the afterlife. Plus, it's a tax write-off. Any pledge of $1000 or more earns you a stylish umbrella/Halo. Be the envy of all your friends! Act now.
****
OK--now as you know, most every issue of West Coast Jeff involves me making an ass out of myself...but every so often, a friend gets roped into a ridiculous situation, normally with me by their side to facilitate it. (See: Every Pip story ever.)
This time, however, I wasn't even on the same coast when Bob "Bobbio-Big- Head" Jankay found himself getting dragged into this situation by "some dope from the 85% club."
Some of you may know him as "Ben-Gay(R) Bob"...the guy who, after playing football for an entire day rubbed Ben-Gay all over his aching thighs, then pulled up his boxer shorts, only to have the Ben Gay come in contact with his Mr. Happy. Flash forward to him sitting in a bathtub crying.
For those of you who don't know this story...you really should. It's hilarious.
Anyway...Bob had an episode this week that I previously thought could only happen to me. And all I have to say is "Serves you right!" Serves you all right for laughing at my constant misadventures!
Well, I now present "Bob's Bad Day"...a first person recollection By Bob Jankay:
8/28/00
I woke up a bit late today as I kind of expected. I felt a little tired, but no hangover. After an hour or two I managed to drag myself over to the gym for a while. Nothing too exciting happening in there.
Before I knew it, it was past 1:30 already and I didn't eat yet. There's a Wawa* right by the gym so I figure I'll grab something quick and get moving.
(*Editor's Note: Those of you unfamiliar with a Wawa...picture a cleaner, better stocked 7-11)
When I finished paying I noticed this girl standing by my car looking around. She didn't look like she was going to steal anything so I wasn't sure what to think. I walk out and realize the whole rear end is smacked in and parts are everywhere. I dropped my bag to the ground, and started looking at the pieces and cursing up a storm. She notices me right away and comes walking over real slowly. "Are you all right?" I asked. "Yeah I'm fine," she says. "I was putting on my eyeliner while I was backing up and thought you already moved out of the way." Yep, she actually is that stupid to tell me this. I don't know what to say at this point.
"By the way," she says very casually, "I don't have any insurance." I yell out "son of a bitch!" and kick off the rest of the bumper that was left dangling.
The very second that it hits the ground I notice there is a Nascar sticker on the bumper. I never have nor will I ever have a bumper sticker on my car, or anything promoting Nascar for that matter. I realize this is some other poor bastard's car. They were identical aside from the sticker. I look over three spaces and see my car sitting there perfectly fine and just start laughing hysterically. This woman thinks I just lost my mind or something because she walks around to the front end to keep safe and asks if I'm ok. I'm in the middle of this insane laugh when I notice a woman walking over to my car trying to open the door. She takes a second and realizes that it's not her car, turns around and sees me still laughing. The girl who hit the car is now crying and the car's real owner is heading over.
"What the hell is going on here," she yells at me. "Sorry, miss, this girl backed into your car and I thought it was mine," I explained. Meanwhile the girl is still crying in front of the car. The woman said, "You think that's funny," and smacks me in the head with a newspaper. I damn near am pissing my pants at this point. I said "Wait it gets worse, she has no insurance." I didn't know what to do but laugh so I got in my car and started driving away. This whack job chased after me by foot with the newspaper until I got out of the parking lot and then threw it at my trunk when she couldn't keep up.
If the damn stories weren't so funny I would swear I was cursed.
--All I have to say, Bob, is "Welcome to my world."
And one final note--this week marks the one year anniversary of my arrival here in Hollywood. To celebrate, and to plug yet another summer re-run, I would like to encourage all of you to take another look at "The Blair Witch Road Trip," my epic journey of life on the road for ten days. I've placed it on the web for your convenience at: http://www.pond.com/~uhjeff/blairwitch.html
The story's the same, but there are some lovely, umm, photos courtesy of BeckyLip!
Thanks for reading...Have a great holiday weekend, everyone. Be safe out there, unless you have Theological Immunity, too. In which case, feel free to be as wreckless as you like.
Okbye
--Jeff
