"November Sweeps!"; December 01, 2000
I read a news article the other day, saying that Martian rock, ejected from the big red planet, could have carried bacteria on it millions of years ago, bringing life to this planet.
And that is the reason you are reading this now. Who knew?
Mattman offers this theory:
"Maybe you've got alien bacteria on you that makes everyone around you a weirdo."
With that said--welcome to the November Sweeps episode of West Coast Jeff starring a cast of a thousand weirdos!
Since it is November Sweeps, I thought I would jazz up this episode a little bit. As an added bonus--many of the stories within come with links to photos on the web to make them more interesting!!
This has nothing to do with the overall poor quality of this issue. Honest. Anyway...on with the stories:
*Jerry(ER!) Ran Himself Over.*
With StoryLori's move into the realm of West Coast Jeff, many, many things have gone awry. People (Lori) falling down all over the place, I set a tuna sandwich on fire, Rodney Dangerfield keeps popping up, "Weird Al" called my cell phone...and many other bizarre, yet quite hilarious adventures.
My favorite: Jerry actually managed to run himself over, possibly in a bizarre plea for attention.
He parked his car, got out of it, walked away. He heard the alarm going off, and noted that the car had decided, on it's own free will, to suddenly careen into a wall.
Reviewing his options, Jerry quickly sprang into action, and rather than watching in horror has his (VERY NICE) '98 Mustang Convertible head to certain damage, he decided to do his Man of Steel impression and jumped in front of it, hoping to stop it.
Of course, since it's a CAR...it clobbered him. Apparently, working on Comedy Central's newest hit show "Battlebots" taught Jerry nothing. When man is pitted against machine...man will always lose. Jerry, don't be a hero.
So, anyway, Jerry's just fine. He was a little bruised and sore, but otherwise he's good. He reports "I didn't, I repeat, I DIDN'T run myself over. I got smashed. I only tried to stop my car from hitting that damn wall by allowing my body to be the 'human rubber blocker' between the car and the wall." Of course, at the time he issued this statement, he was on medication, so I wouldn't take too much stock in anything he had to say. He also reported that "Emily is too orange today, hand me the pliers."
I am pleased to announce that Jerry's OK, and the parking brake is expected to make a full recovery (once the part comes in).
Meanwhile, Jerry took me to see Radiohead's ONLY U.S. Concert soon after The Incident. I'm unhealthily grateful for this, and that is why the above story wasn't meaner. Thanks, Jerry!
See...I *CAN* be bought. Anyway, click here for a file photo of Jerry & His Car in happier times...when it wasn't trying to kill him.
http://www.pond.com/~uhjeff/CAR.jpg
**And Now, A Sad Announcement**
West Coast Jeff has lost it's first (and only) spy. Last issue, we sent a scout to Kraft Foods to find out what exactly makes Miracle Whip have a Tangy Zip(TM). Not only do we NOT have the story, but we fear Special Agent M2D5 dead. He was a young buck...wily, full of ambition. He knew this was a dangerous mission. His last communication with us, just as he entered the Kraft Plant mentioned "The treacherously slippery salad room," and "the suffocatingly hot press room where macaroni is made..." It was dangerous from the get-go...but he insisted on moving forward with the operation.
It was a life-long goal of his to find out about the Tangy Zip(TM). He recalled a time of innocence, when he would ask his mom about it and she would "just brush it off with nervous laughter." Well...you can't brush THIS off with nervous laughter! We believe he is either being held captive as part of Kraft's Family Of Products, or he'll turn up in your egg salad. Hopefully, he will escape. Or maybe he's dead. Only time will tell. But for now, I'd stay away from the Miracle Whip.
Of course, West Coast Jeff accepts no responsibility for his disappearance, and will no longer acknowledge it at all.
**Anyway, it IS November Sweeps, still...and what would a Sweeps Month be without MORE CELEBRITY SIGHTINGS!
A little while ago, I got a bonus job as a Talent Escort for a Kevin Spacey Charity Event. My job: Keep little Haley Joel Osment (of Sixth Sense fame) out of trouble! Actually, my official job was to show him and his family exactly where they needed to be. After showing them the cocktail party (That little bastard can actually out-drink Robin Williams!) and chucking a passed out Haley Joel down the aisle, knocking over Rhea Pearlman and Danny Devito, my job was pretty much over. OK maybe not.
Actually, he's a very cool kid and his family was super-nice. It was really funny to hear Haley Joel's dad ask Kevin Spacey when his son would be finished on stage, because he had to get Haley Joel & his little sister to bed at a decent hour. Even funnier was Kevin's response: "I don't know...Robin Williams is on before him. Hopefully he won't get too carried away up there!"
I got to see Tim Conway & Harvey Korman perform a sketch (incredible!!) and I also got to see celebs galore, such as Keanu, George Clooney, Helen Hunt, Seth Green (again), Vince Vaughn and Marisa Tomei. The most surreal part of the evening came as I watched Angie Dickenson, Buddy Hackett and Jack Lemmon chat away. I also got to say hi to veteran character actor, Jack Riley. Yes, you DO know who he is: http://www.what-a-character.com/cgi-bin/display.cgi?id=RileyJ
There are no pictures from this amazing night, but you can check out http://www.wpst.com/showdj.asp?DJID=6312 for Adam & The Bookbinders(TM)'s meeting with his idol: LILY TOMLIN!
That's right! The Book met icon Lily Tomlin.
Since the time Adam was a little Bookbinder, he can remember watching reruns of Laugh-In while sitting in a giant chair, claiming to be Edith Ann.
Now, the star of such classics as "9 to 5", "Big Business," and "The Incredible Shrinking Woman" found her way into Adam's arms...and his heart.
So go look.
**West Coast Jeff Guest Stars!!**
As if all these celebrities wasn't enough, we had EVEN MORE of them First off, a surprise visit from Amy Procacci, an old pal from The College Years.
She was sad because she didn't have a nickname...so we dubbed her Chafing Amy. (Maybe she'll write the story for an upcoming Episode for all of you to enjoy.)
Anyway, you'd think we would have called her "The Streak" or something because she's got a streak in her hair (which was blonde in college, but now is a more mature, distinguished cherry red). But nope...she just HAD to tell her Chafing story.
She also has a theme song, though, so she shouldn't whine.
Amy did such a good job on West Coast Jeff, that she was invited back as a mid-season character, set to join the cast after the new year!!
Amy has this to say:
"Thanks so much for all of the positive feedback. I have to say I almost didn't do the show. My agent (therapist) said "you can't just show up in LA and get a shot on WCJ" But I did. It took a lot of iron filled guts, perseverance and massive anti-depressants. But I did it. I made the show. Thank you. I feel like a sick-n-dying bald kid who gets his last wish fulfilled - but instead of going to Michael Jackson's zoo, I got to do your show! Thank you...really Thank you."
She also made a Good Times vs Bad Times list:
Good: Seeing you and (Goatee) Greg
Bad: Forgetting your last name and asking if it was Mentos.Good: Getting a nickname (albeit a disgusting one)
Bad: The short while that I did not have a nicknameGood: Having my own song
Bad: The whole Sean Quinn thing (editor's note - I have NO idea what this means)Good: Finally having someone laugh at me the way I want to be laughed at
Bad: Not being allowed in the master bedroom
**ALSO joining us during November Sweeps:
Jessica!! That's right--I'll be the Person of Honor at her wedding Next August 11th, so she stopped out for a weekend getaway. Her trip also coincided with Zanne & Her Mom's visit!!
The purpose of BOTH of their trips, however, seemed to have less to do with visiting me, and more with meeting my Wacky Neighbor, who lately has been trying to steal the show. When confronted with this, he replied:
"OK...Hello have you not been paying attention? The only reason 'your' friends tune in is to see and hear about me. I don't need a spin off... I'm already the STAR!!! But I'm willing to let you keep top billing... cuz I love ya!!"
Soon after this (last night, actually), Tony made an attempt on my life. After an exceptionally difficult time in the kitchen (where I not only burned my tuna melt, but actually managed to set it ON FIRE by leaving it in the oven too long), I was pouring myself a glass of Orange Hi-C, chatting away with my friend PsychoSharon about her upcoming appearance on West Coast Jeff. Just as I took the first sip, Tony snuck up behind me and yelled "BOO!" Orange Drink shot out my nose and I almost drowned. Between Tony and roommate Goatee Greg, I'm surprised I'm still alive at all.
Anyway, back to Jess & Zanne (and her mom)...they all had a fantastic time! And don't forget--you, too, can book yourself as a guest on West Coast Jeff!! Simply have your agent call or e-mail and we'll set something up right away. Tell them "JEFF" sent you!
You can stay on the chlamydia futon(TM) just like Jessica did!
During the trip, Zanne scored tickets to go see Mad TV. Luckily, we got to see an entire sketch being shot. ONE WHOLE SKETCH! Can you believe it? AND, not only that, but while they were shooting the sketch--we were off in a corner watching it...ON A MONITOR. So, in effect, we waited in line for a month, only to go near a studio and watch a sketch on TV. They did, however, give us actual seats just in time for the final "goodbye" segment of the show. Thanks, Zanne.
We did manage to take a secret illegal picture of Zanne & her mom at the MAD TV sign inside the studio. If you look closely, I believe you can see Alfred E. Newman getting ready to yell at us.
http://www.pond.com/~uhjeff/madtv.html
The group of us also (sans Alfred E.) went to the Improv where Rodney Dangerfield did a surprise set! He's old.
But that was NOT all for the Special Guests! Heck, no! My sistah Donna, came to San Diego to visit...along with West Coast Jeff's new Vice President of Navigation & Technology--Shelly. Shelly's cool because she played Spy with me. Toni Sitoy and I used to have Spy Days at work... but they would only last 30 seconds before we'd get distracted with something else and forget that it was Spy Day.
But Toni wasn't the VP of anything, so back to Shelly. Shelly is WAY cooler than my sister. But, Donna wouldn't leave us alone, so we had to hang out with her. Otherwise, it was a fun weekend. We also got to play with Michael Porn! Hooray for us!
Look at Photos at http://www.pond.com/~uhjeff/sandiego.html (note: no porn pictures)
**HALLOWEEN**
An announcement: DON'T dress up as a holiday on a different holiday. It really messes you up. I dressed up as an Easter Basket. Shut up.
Anyway--the pics turned out nice...check them out at http://www.pond.com/~uhjeff/ween.html
**BOBBIO BIG HEAD**
Last episode's article by Bob Jankay about his car not getting hit scored pretty high ratings. It also inspired some deranged fan of Bob's to draw a charicature of him, which you can see at http://www.pond.com/~uhjeff/bobbio.html
As a follow up to The Car Story, Bob presents "The Worst Job Interview In History."
--Friday, I had a job interview with a headhunter. I posted a resume a while back and figured "What the hell...I'll check it out." It's been like 2 years since I've been on a real interview, but I thought I was ready. I looked good, showed up early, yada yada yada.
As soon as I get there I'm feeling pretty good. The cute receptionist is being flirty and all seemed well. So here come Ms. Worthington. She is a 50-somthing, English version of Edith Bunker with very bad teeth and a nasty ass lazy eye the just freaked me out (and I studied medicine at a hospital for a year).
She brings me in the office and I'm immediately uncomfortable. I dont know were to look. Am I staring to much? Which eye do I look at? Am I looking away too much?...and so on. Then I have to start answering some tough interview questions. After a few good answers she hits me with "What's your 5 year career plan?" This tripped me up. For the first time in my life I don't have a clue what the fuck I'm doing. I started pulling some lie out of my ass when all the sudden she cuts a fart.
Not like a little queef, but a fart that any man would be proud to rip in front of his buddies. I stopped dead in my tracks and completely lost my train of thought. She froze and started playing with her chair like that was what made the noise. I started to laugh very lightly at first, but she kept playing with the chair and I'm like "who are you fucking kidding!" Now I'm laughing out loud, but trying to hold back. She got real nervous and her eye went into overdrive. The damn thing was all over the place. She wasn't saying a word and just kept looking at me like I was supposed to go on. I panicked and said "I should probably go." She never said a word and I walked out in a hurry. I walk past the receptionist and she wishes me good luck.
Shit...I forgot my briefcase!
I run back in and she's putting drops in her eyes. I grab my bag but the arm strap is stuck on the wheel of the chair. I pull it as hard as I can breaking the buckle and say "Thank you for meeting with me." She's still fiddle fucking around with the eye drops and ignores me. I hauled ass out again with my bag under my arm. (I didn't even care about the bag. I would have chewed my damn leg off if it got me out any quicker). I walk past the receptionist and she asks me how it went. "It's not looking good, you'd better ask her." I jumped in the car and took off.
I'm not expecting a call back.
The combination of the eye, the tough question, of course the fart and the fact that she tried to play it off for far too long was all too much for a man of my maturity level. After laughing the way I did all I could think was "Run, Bob. Run Now."
***
Bob makes us all proud. Keep up the misadventures!
As I bring this issue to a close, I have one final announcement:
**West Coast Jeff's Holiday Jamboree!!**
That's right--my triumphant return to the East Coast will air 12/24-1/8. Reserve your seats now!
Included in this very special, umm, Special:
A NYC visit!
A Cape May Visit!
A Nassau Broadcasting Visit! (If they're still in business)
A Cheesesteak!
A Soft Pretzel!
And some good old fashioned Philly Ass-whooping! (Start running now, Annie)
Plus all of your favorite characters from East Coast Jeff will make appearances. And Kake will, too!
And this just in!! Upon my return to Hollywood after the holidays, I'll be employed!! I'll be teamed up with my old friend Carol Axler Turner at a place called "Cream Cheese Films". More details as they become available.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing everyone soon...in the meantime, check out the stupidest thing I've seen in quite a long time at http://www.hatsofmeat.com
Thanks, Marque for bringing this to my attention.
--Jeff
