"01-01 FUN!"; January 28, 2001
West Coast Jeff's official Welcome to the New Year! 2001? No...it's Two Thousand-FUN!
(Official WCJ fun-o-meter: 2 out of 10)
Welcome to the latest episode of West Coast Jeff! I hope your holidays were as glee-filled as mine. I got to see many of you during the holidays, and those of you who did NOT make an effort ...well, you are on probation. (And you know who you are.)
And now...on with the show!
It has come to my attention recently that the episodes of WCJ have become longer and more cumbersome due to less frequent updates, and more issues surfacing with all the new characters joining the cast! So, in order to accommodate your needs (IE: Make you stop whining)...I have decided to go ahead and make MORE episodes of WCJ, in an easier-to-carry format! So, starting now...once every two weeks or so, you can expect your e-mail to be filled with a non-stop-chucklefest known as West Coast Jeff!
Of course, this is one of those "New Year's Resolution" things. So, the likelihood of me actually being able to produce shorter, leaner, (and specifically) MORE episodes of WCJ is highly unlikely. But, my intentions are good.
Other New Resolutions:
* No More Saltine Omelets
* Lick self less
* Try to not refer to my friends as "Those Peckerheads that Give me Material"
* Use the word "Peckerhead" more
* Find a copy of "The Gong Show" movie
* Try to not be stalked so much
* Find out what became of Judy, the Time-Life Operator
* Not bitch about the Post Office as much.
Which REMINDS ME....
(so much for that)
The day after I returned from The Holiday Jamboree (See separate story), I began my new job at Cheesy Creamy Films. CCF is responsible for such videos as Twisted Sister, Heart, and Whitesnake. They also discovered Alicia Silverstone and directed all those cool Aerosmith videos that mattered in the 90s, as well as produced the Jerry Seinfeld "I'm Telling You For the Last Time" HBO Special. (See the "Cheesy Creamy Films" story, later on in this episode)
One of my first official duties was to send a letter out via Certified Mail. So, I filled out my little green paper, marched over to my work's post office (where FatRedGayle is NOT employed) and deposited the envelope.
Then, on Friday, I was asked to find out who signed for the envelope. So, I went online and looked up the tracking number. I discovered that it was delivered at 1:15 on Thursday, 1/11/01. OK.so who signed for it? I don't know.
I call the Post Office's customer service hotline, am assured that my call is important to them for 20 minutes, and then finally get a person on the line. I explain my situation: "I need to know who signed for this letter, because apparently it has fallen into the wrong hands."
The woman asks if I filled out a green RETURN RECEIPT form. I say "no." She says "Well, then you'll have to go to your Post Office and fill out form 3811-A, pay $3.50, and then they will be able to track this for you." "So," I say "I paid for a certified letter to be mailed so that I could get a signature, and in order to SEE the signature, it costs extra?" "Yes, sir."
Okfine.
So, I march over to the Post Office and say "Hi.I need to fill out some form because blah blah blah." The clerk politely tells me that he'll check in the back.
He comes out a few minutes later with a printout of the internet page telling me when the envelope was delivered. I said "Yes, I know.I want to know WHO signed for it."
Then he tells me that I'll have to go to the Post Office that actually delivered the letter for that information. I reply "Yes, but...I was told there's a form to fill out to get this information." I show him my $3.50. He doesn't budge: "Yes, sir--you'll need to fill out that form at THAT Post Office...they'll have the record. We don't."
FINE.
So I walk back to the office contemplating how stupid this was. What if the Post Office was in Tennessee? Would I have to go there to get this information? Anyway, I call the North Hollywood Post Office, and ask for the manager, at which point I am put on hold for 25-30 weeks. Susie the manager gets on the phone (finally) and she's very helpful. She tells me she'll call me right back.
So, I get off the phone with her and am told by my bodd that after I straighten this mess out, I need to go to Gabe "Mr. Kotter" Kaplan's house to drop off tickets to go see the Lakers.
So now, I'm all excited about my adventure to Gabe Kaplan's! But, alas! I must wait for Susie's call! 30 minutes later, I realize that she's hoping that I'll decide there are more important things to worry about, and that I'll forget that she promised to call me right back. No such luck for her...so once again, I'm dialing the phone.
She asks if I filled out a green Return Receipt form. I say "No...I didn't know this was going to turn into an episode, or I would have."
She then informs me that I need to go to the Post Office and fill out form 3811-A.
Ahem.
"Please be aware," I exclaim, "that I was just AT the Post Office and no one there seems to know about that form." So she tells me to ask for that form specifically and that they will be able to post the information on the web site on Tuesday (since the following Monday was a holiday).
OKFINEAGAIN.
So, off I go to Gabe Kaplan's house, where I was denied entry by way of his magical gate at the end of the driveway. I did manage to catch a glimpse of a basketball net hovering above his garage... and I thought I saw John Travolta playing a game of Horse with Epstein and Horshack.
On my way back, I stop at the Beverly Hills post office. It's nice and big in there. And, due to the fact that they raised postage rates again, the line was nice and big as well. So, I wait. And I wait. And the woman behind me (who smells like a rotting germanium) asks me what my New Year's resolutions are. I told her about Judy (the Time Life Operator) and she seemed confused and uninterested.
Then Mrs. Fancypants started telling me about her trip to the Bahamas that she takes every year. "It's much better than my Junes in Hawaii." Rich bitch. So I told her that I just got back from Greece, Rome, Jamaica, and Saudi Arabia. Unfazed, she spun a riveting yarn about her villa in Ireland, her summers in Australia and the nail salon she goes to every week in Korea. So I mentioned that I live on the sun and to stay the hell away from me or I'll start stealing energy from the state.
Moments later, I'm at the front of the line, and Eugene calls me over to his window. I greet him with a smile, because I know it's not his fault that I'm oppressed by the Post Office. I say "Hi.I need to fill out form 3811-A, please."
He stares blankly at me and says "And what, pray-tell will that form do?" So, I present him with all of my facts and the orgy of paperwork I have now accumulated. He says "OK, this is easy...let me get the girl in charge of this and I'll be right back."
So, off he goes to the back.and I'm happy, if only for a moment. He soon emerges from the back and reports "It's 4:45 on a Friday before a holiday weekend. She's gone. Come back on Tuesday." I plead "But, I won't have a job on Tuesday if I don't find this information out! Can't I just fill out the form and pay the fee and she can put it online when she gets in on Tuesday?" So he shows me the form.
Actually, he shows me A form. The form clearly says that it is form #1006. It is CERTAINLY NOT form 8311-A, B, C, or H. He tells me that the form he is giving me will only make the postal inspectors go and look inside of the North Hollywood post office for corruption. Then he tells me that he isn't even going to give me the form at all, and puts it back.
I say "OK, Eugene.listen-I don't mean to take it out on you...But you've got to understand. All I want to do is find this signature, and every time I call the post office, they tell me to fill out this form, and every time I GO INTO a post office, they refuse to give me the form. Can I please talk to your manager?"
He says "Well, she's not going to come out."
"Excuse me?" I ask, now shaking.
"She's counting money and she's not going to stop to come out and talk to you."
And that, my friends, was the wrong thing to say.
I politely tell him that I'll be in touch with her on Tuesday and to enjoy his weekend. ("GOD DAMMIT, I'M CALLING YOUR SUPERVISOR ON TUESDAY. HAVE A NICE FUCKING WEEKEND!!")
After I stormed out, I called Carol: "Carol! You don't KNOW WHAT THESE PEOPLE are DOING TO ME!!" And I explain the situation while average citizens and their dogs run from me.
Carol laughs at me and says that I'm going postal and to calm down because they found the letter and all is well.
I'm exhausted from that story and I need a hug. I'm not even going to bother telling you about the ASSHOLE in the post office a few days later who decided that since he only needed to buy one stamp, that he was going to cut in front of me in line WIITHOUT ASKING. (There was a confrontation.)
I'm going to have a nervous breakdown from the Post Office. They are USELESS for anything other than MAILING A SIMPLE LETTER. Anything more complicated than that and they get all upset. I'm convinced that they are torturing me on purpose now. I can't imagine that this is all a coincidence. I'll bet you while FatRedGayle was away for those weeks, she was out training other Postal Employees on Customer Harassment. I'm on strike.
Another helpful option is FedEx.however, they are filled with their own subliminal insanity. Here's a tip I learned from DaveLip via MichaelHead: Look at the space in between the E and the x in the FedEx logo-there's a forward facing arrow in there. Thank you both for making me go insane whenever I see that.
***
FedEx is a little expensive, though. And if you're like me, you are flat broke after the holidays. One WCJ reader, John Quinn has come up with a creative solution to his financial woes. I like to call it: The 401J Plan:
John Says:
It probably says something not altogether positive about my life that I really look forward to your editions of "West Cost Jeff"
I hope, however, that you are aware that I am scrupulously saving each installment against the day that you become rich and famous as the writer of the season's hot new comedy series. The series you write will, no doubt, be one of those incredibly hip shows that the critics love and trendy people all talk about, but that no one actually watches (think Malcolm in the Middle).
The show will be cancelled after two seasons. The same media critics who never watched your show will decry its cancellation as yet another example of the vacuous nature of American popular culture. Crushed, you will disappear from the Hollywood scene for years only to reemerge years later (think the career redemption after the rehab portion of any VH1 "Behind the Music" episode) to produce Pulp Fiction II. However, during you exile, I plan on making a small fortune hawking copies of my installments of "West Coast Jeff" on QVC in between the Elvis commemorative plates and George Foreman's latest contribution to white trash cuisine.
(Editor's note: Let's just hope DaveLip isn't running the John's QVC Special)
So, as you can see my future financial security depends on you. I can either live out my golden years in quite elegance in Florida, bitching about taxes and the high price of Metamucil or end up drooling on myself in some roach infested senior citizens home in New Jersey. It is up to you.
Keep the "West Coast Jeff's" coming.
Thank you, John, for sharing with the class.
And now, the update on what has become of my life:
Job!
I started a job at Cheesy Creamy Films the day after I returned from The Holiday Jamboree. They have no current projects or, it seems, any prospects of any. So, in my spare time, I have been shipping bottles of HAIR PRODUCTS to consumers. That's right, my boss's wife has a salon in Beverly Hills, and lucky me--I get to MAIL SHAMPOO TO PEOPLE. Thanks for the college degree, Temple.
I don't mean to sound bitter, because it IS income, after all. But this place is a CULT. They are a Vegan Cult! Now, I don't have any problems with vegetarians or vegans. In fact, my OTHER boss (Weird Al) is a vegan! He, however, does not try to force me to watch videotapes filled with animal cruelty in order to force his Vegan ideas down my throat. (Thanks, Al.)
Meanwhile, I'm dubbing these PETA videotapes that Alicia Silverstone lent to The Cult Leader...and he's yelling "If you watch these, you'll never eat meat again!" "OK, Marty!" I say, as I run to McDonald's and bring back my quarter pounder with cheese. I have eaten more Taco Bell, Burger King, and In-N-Out Burger than I care to repeat these past few weeks, just out of spite for this shampoo cult. I swear, these people are 2 minutes away from handing out tainted Kool-Aid. I'm willing to bet there is a mind control protein inside of these hair-care products that I'm dealing with.
But I'm strong willed and have taken on another job. After much negotiating (most of which was done without my knowledge, thanks)... starting Next Monday, I will be back with my friends at Don Mischer Productions!! (The fun crew that did The TV Guide Awards!!!!)
That's right--February Sweeps will bring back all your favorite characters: Juliane, Eric, Charlie, & WCJ's first official cowboy, Wes!! The show? Why, it's a pilot for none other than Mr. Wayne Brady, of "Whose Line Is it Anyway?" fame! It's exciting, I'm excited!!!
Speaking of old characters coming back, let us officially welcome the one and only, Emmy Award Holding Chafing Amy!!!
Another buddy from The College Years, Amy's just arrived here in Los Angeles, and has been staying with various friends since she's gotten here, and of course one stop was made on the world-famous Chlamydia Futon. Many of you don't seem to understand the power this futon has.
When Jessica visited for November sweeps, she was already slightly ill by the time she got here. But, after sleeping on the Futon for 4 days, she returned to Philly only to vomit repeatedly! Her system obviously trying to expel whatever extra funk she had picked up from the futon.
Despite our best efforts to disinfect this beast, it has claimed another victim. Amy left a message on our answering machine after spending the night in our apartment:
check it out at http://www.pond.com/~uhjeff/chafing.html
That's right--she got a rash.
Subsequently, she had to flash an oriental pharmacist who exclaimed "I've never SEEN anything like that before!" and recommended a good topical cream. Amy is expected to make a full recovery.
Even childhood buddy Jason Ross (who dropped in last week for an impromptu LA visit!) knew not to sit on the futon! ("I'm going to get a disease!!")
So...who is visiting next?! Psycho Sharon is on tap for a February Sweeps appearance...on her way to beautiful Australia!! Also, sources say that one Saint Thomas of Streeter is due to make an appearance sometime in the summer! I can't wait for this. Streeter was my Comedy teacher in college.
Speaking of comedy classes (segue), Amy forced Lori and I to sign up for Improv classes at the Groundlings! I think it's only fitting since I'll be working on the Wayne Brady pilot. Notable graduates of the Groundlings include Chris Kattan, Cheri Oteri, Pat Morita, Paul Rubens, Phil Hartman, and Edie McClurg. We aren't that funny. (Well, Amy is...) But it's a great class and I'm enjoying it, despite my floundering improv abilities.
Yikes! We're out of time.and I didn't even get to fill you in on my holiday adventures. Well, looks like I'll be working on a new episode for you guys even sooner than I thought!!
Coming up on The Next Edition of West Coast Jeff:
WCJ recounts his triumphant return to Philly for the Holiday Jamboree!! Including:
* A Festivus Miracle!
* A tale of suspense and mayhem called "That Anal Guy that Jeff Irritated"!
* And an all-new "My friends picked me up at the airport and you'll never GUESS what happened..." story!
Also, in the next edition, Bobbio Big Head shares a tale of woe called "The Last Blind Date."
WCJ--PS: As I look at the above...I realize that, although I cut a lot of crap out of this issue, it's still insanely long. But hey--if NBC can add 10 extra minutes to Friends, I can add a couple of extra pages of un-amusing text. No more Post office stories. Guaranteed... or your money back.
Stay Fresh!!
--WCJ
