"Special: Have You Seen Me?"; March 08, 2001
Welcome back to the phenomenon that is West Coast Jeff! Sorry I've been absent for a few weeks...but we're getting closer to shooting "The Wayne Brady Hour" (new title!) and my days are getting LOOOONGER. But WCJ is getting shorter...So...on with the show!! (Shorter episodes mean shorter intros...)
First, some business at hand. February Sweeps came and went without an update from me. And what good is that? So, to catch you up...here are some CELEBRITY SIGHTINGS!!
As many of you know...I'm now working on The Wayne Brady Hour. Wayne Brady, of course, from Whose Line Is It Anyway fame. The job is pretty cool...and Wayne's a really nice guy. He even let me drive his Jaguar!*
The show also stars a guy from my favorite new show--Strip Mall with Julie Brown. But, no one else but me really cares about him. Although he marks a milestone for being the third star from that show that I've seen in real life. (The other two being Julie Brown herself and the guy who plays her fat husband, Harve.)
In Big Celebrity News, though--I bumped into Cher a few weeks ago in Beverly Hills! I was finishing up my stint at the Vegan Shampoo Hellish Cult, delivering some mind-control sculpting gel. As I was walking across the street back to my car, I saw someone coming out of a store. And, since I don't usually give a damn about anyone else but me, I ignored her. Then, I noticed that she had a very strange "Look at me" aura about her...so I looked quickly at her and thought "Hmmm...that looks like Cher." Concerned, I glanced back and by this point, she was looking at me with this "Yes, it really IS me" smirk on her face that made me kind of laugh. So, we had a moment...I started off by telling her that I was a huge fan of her duet with Beavis & Butthead...one thing led to another and, well, let's just say Chastity Bono won't be an only child much longer...
Except okno. But it really was Cher.
In other celeb news...Judy Tenuta & Emo Philips were both at the Silent Movie Theater, showing Judy's full- length "Desperation Boulevard" and Emo's short-film "The Can Man." They both introduced their own film and were quite hilarious. Emo's mom made a cameo appearance both in his movie, and at the theater.
And, finally, while on the lot at CBS, I walked past none other than Mr. Price-is-right himself, BOB BARKER!!! I was on my way to someone's office and, rather than taking the correct path, I accidentally wound up in the prop/set design department. On my way there, I passed Bob Barker, who looked suspiciously at me, held his bags slightly closer to him and hurried past. I think he was hiding the body of that yodeling mountain climber. Moments later, I almost impaled myself on the Plinko board. (I honestly didn't see it...and something tells me that I wouldn't be the first Plinko-related injury on that set.)
We can blame my temporary blindness on the Vegan Cult. (Their reign of terror still has not ended more than a month after I've stopped working there!) I accidentally ran my glasses over with my office chair. Actually, it looks like I ran them over with a tractor and tried to fix them with a rubber band. They just don't work anymore, and they give me a headache (probably because I had to re-locate my left eye about a half an inch down my face in order to see out of them). So, I decided to get contact lenses.
For those of you who have never put these little halos of joy in your eyes before, let me explain how this process works. You go to the eye care professional of your choice, and tell him or her that you ran over your glasses. He or she tries (unsuccessfully) to fix them, and instead gives you contact lenses. He or she then shows you how to install your new eyeware. This process is similar to that of placing thumbtacks directly onto your retinas. Your eye just doesn't want any part of it, and often tries to escape. But you just keep pokin' at it, and pokin' at it until it turns red with anger and begins to spew pus out.
Afterwards, you'll want to invest in an eyepatch. I recommend the ones that are made from mouse-skin. It's all the rage here in LA to have a rodent strapped to your face.
Other things to know about your contact lenses:
1) To ensure a long and healthy relationship with your lenses, be sure to clean them thoroughly after each use with a toothbrush, brillo pad, or nail file.
2) To make sure you are ready for contact lenses, try placing other small items into your eyes, such as dimes, Certs (watch out for Retsyn RetinasT, coming soon!), and Christmas lights.
3) Eye drops are another difficult thing you need to learn to deal with after you get contacts. You may want to invest in a Clockwork Orange type of machine that will water your eyes for you.
Finally, people are going to want to know about your contact lens experience. So, keep a journal, like I did.
Day 1: 10:45 AM
I'm going to get my contact lenses at the doctor. It's a very exciting time in my life!!
Day 1: 2:44 PM
After being trained for 44 minutes, I am now an expert in putting in my contact lenses. My eyes are a little sore, but I'm told that as the day wears on, my lenses will be as comfortable as my own eyelids!!
Day 1: 3:15 PM
OH MY GOD, THE PAIN!!! THE PAIN!!! (much of the next few paragraphs are covered in blood, and unreadable)
Day 2: 11 AM
After trying for 90 minutes, I finally got my right lens in. Unfortunately, I'm late for work now, and have to drive with one eye shut because I don't have enough time to take it out again and use my glasses.
Day 3: I ran my contact lenses over with my office chair. Looks like its time to invest in a seeing eye dog.
So there you have it...West Coast Jeff's Guide to Contact Lenses!
I'm going to close this edition with one select story left over from the Holidays.
I was out with DaveLip & Co, and we went to his friend "Alan's" house. Paul was really nice...but had just one problem. He was anal. Now, I'm not talking about "I want the house clean" anal... I'm talking "I want my pocket contents alphabetized" anal. In his closet, his shirts (all very neatly pressed) went in color order from lightest to darkest. His shoes, the same. Socks, too. He obviously went to the Toni Sitoy School of Irrational Cleanliness-and graduated at the top of the class.
As I looked at his desk...I was disturbed by all the right angles. Papers were aligned neatly...no room for paper clips or pencils to be placed on the surface! Everything was in its proper place.or else.
He was even washing dishes while we were hanging out there. But, the thing is, they were ALREADY CLEAN. He was actually taking them out of the dishwasher and cleaning them before placing them into the trash can and buying new ones.
I was (with good reason) more than a little freaked out. And, unfortunately, I snapped when I saw his corkboard. Most corkboards I've seen are very haphazard and fun...with junk burying other junk. Thumb-tacks everywhere, etc...but not this one. He had two (2) index cards (also at right angles to each other) and six (6) thumb-tacks placed neatly, one inch apart from each other, in a column next to the index cards. Obviously, once the individual tasks on the index cards were completed, the card was to be removed & put in the trash with the glasses & plates, and the tack was to be placed in the tack column.
This was just too much for me to handle. I snapped! I got up, walked across the room, took a thumb tack, and moved it about two inches away from the others. Before I realized what I was doing, it was too late. I looked around as the room fell silent, all eyes on Anal Alan, who turned bright red, folded his arms and began rocking back & forth repeating "It's OK. That's alright." But it wasn't alright.
Soon after that, we exited the kitchen to watch some TV. As we left an hour later, I noted that the thumb tack was back in its rightful place. I knew then that I had managed to ruin his entire evening. It's amazing how very little effort it takes anymore.
Well, you're semi-caught up now. I'll write more as time becomes available. Until then, enjoy this new feature of West Coast Jeff called "The Last Thousand Words"...where a picture (net worth: One Thousand Words" will entertain you and leave you light and fluffy all day. This issue's Last Thousand Words answers the ever-popular question: "Don't you run into any normal people anywhere you go?"
http://www.pond.com/~uhjeff/crazyguy.html
And that wraps up the shortest West Coast Jeff to date! Enjoy!!
* to the car wash
