“Sir, we’re picking up an object rapidly approaching our position.”

“Ouch! Dang laser clippers- nearly cut off my toe with them. Thanks a lot ensign.”

“So that’s what that ugh- pleasant aroma is. Er- sir, do you think you could put your shoe back on? I’m sure it breaks some sort of regulations.”

“Sure, on acceptable mold levels.” Lieutenant Flatte nudged Ensign Ulence as he quietly said this.

Not quiet enough for his big ears (as his crew kept reminding him of at every chance- “Ear, I found… I mean here, I found something” or “You- I mean we are all ears sir!”). “I heard that ensign!”

“It’s Lieutenant, sir.”

“That’s not what your file says.” Captain Joe sent the just updated personnel file to Flatte. “Oops, wrong button- it looks like I sent it to the entire ship.”

Lieutenant Ensign Flatte shrank in his seat, which no one of course noticed as Flatte was Morphian, a race who constantly changed size and shape.

“And I wouldn’t talk about smell if I were you. When you two get too close together the place positively reeks. So then, what is it?” Joe asked.

“It would appear to be a superficial wound caused by a rapidly vaporized toenail, but no one should notice since that wart pretty much obscures it.” Ulence was looking over his shoulder at Joe’s foot.

Joe quickly pulled his boot on, biting his tongue over a scream of pain that was about to emerge. “Not that you brickhead! Look back at the top of the page- you know, where you mentioned a rapidly approaching object.”

Ulence looked. “Oh yes. Rapidly approaching object sir!” A large clunk was heard and the ship shook. “Um, object arrived! Should I beam it in?”

“What? You haven’t been watching that show again have you? I don’t know what appeal that Kirk has. I can out-captain him any day.”

“Actually, it’s Archer. I made it through that series and the next three. I’m on Enterprise now. I have them now on every format, even the archaic ones like video tape and DVD.”

“You mean you bought them twenty-five times?? Someone really does love you, or at least your money. Ensign, inform the psychiatrist that you will be there when you finish your shift.”

“And send the Grappler out to pick up the object.”

Ulence pressed a button and within minutes a crew member in a space suit jetted past the view port carrying a grappling gun. The crewman shot at the object and missed. “One of these days we’ll have to get the main grappler fixed,” Joe fumed. He retracted the grappler and shot again, this time grabbing it. He jetted back, object in tow.

Minutes later the door opened and the engineer shot in, head first. “Note to self- lower the pressure in the lift.” He got up, dusted himself off, and picked up the object which had slid across the floor. “Ah, here it is then.”

“So? What is it? Bring it here!” Joe was ready to knock someone in the head. So he got up, walked over to Flatte and took a swing at him. He rapidly shrunk his head out of the way and Joe hit Flatte instead. “Yowch!” cried Joe as he held his hand in pain. “Your head is a brick!”

Ulence replied, “Though I may look human, remember that I am actually from Narbite. The gravity there it twenty times that of Earth, so we are far more dense than humans.”

“In more than one way,” Joe fretted.

“Ahem.” It was Lars, the engineer.

“Okay then, let’s have it. He reached out his still swollen hand, then cringed as he touched the object and pulled back. “Er, maybe you can tell us what it is.” Lars blew on it, shooting some dust in Joe’s eyes, who then immediately started to sneeze and rub his eyes, then wipe his hands and rub his eyes again- this time without mucus on his hands. The engineer then rubbed his elbow to reveal some intricate drawing. No wait, it was two letters: H and P. He found a lever on front, clicked it, and then opened it like an old-fashioned book. It reminded Joe of the book he had hidden under his bed about some old popular character. He rather liked it. It was called “Hello, Kitty.” He immediately dismissed this thought and just asked plainly. “Is that some sort of book?”

Lars gave Joe a puzzled look, then snapped his fingers. “Ah. No. It appears to be an old computer, maybe circa 20^th or 21^st century. I’ve seen models of these things. Yes, here are places to plug things in. Here’s a port to connect your brain to it- oh wait, that was 22^nd century,” he corrected himself. I think you could connect recording devices, printing devices, and listening devices to it through these ports.” He found a button on top. “Ah, the universal symbol for power.” Joe looked and thought it looked like an eye. Lars pressed the button. Nothing. He then remembered older devices needed to be powered by something external. He walked over to the ship computer. “Okay, what have you been downloading this time Captain? We have limited bandwidth you know. This probably cost a fortune!”

“Well, I have to get my sports news somehow. Those women can really swim! And just a few holomovies…”

“Define a few,” the engineer said.

“Just the latest releases, about twenty this week, plus a few, ah, others.”

Oh, never mind. He pressed some buttons on the screen, read something, and then ordered something from the recreator. Ah, here we go. It’s an old-style lithium battery. Nine cells. He removed something that looked like the battery from the object. No, computer Joe reminded himself. Lars then put the new one in its place and pressed the eye again and this time something happened. What was now obviously a screen lit up and a symbol like on the outside that read “HP” showed up. A few seconds later the graphic changed then finally only a short time later it stopped on a screen with several little pictures on top of a larger picture. It was a picture like none he’d seen before. It was a picture that quite clearly showed it to be a male’s computer. The sleekness, the beauty. He wanted to caress it. The words just below cried out to him. “Space Shuttle Atlantis.” “Ah, those early spaceships,” Joe thought. “They don’t make ‘em like that anymore.” He imagined a shuttle with “Hello, Kitty” drawn on it.

Lars was looking at the ship computer again. “Okay, if I am reading this right I use this little pad down here, and yes- this arrow moves. Then I click this button and… Oh! I see what the owner of this computer used to do with this computer.” Joe glanced at it. There was now a list that had appeared. “Crysis, The Agency, Far Cry 2, Gear of War, and what? M.A.M.E.?” Lars clicked something and a dialog appeared. “Please insert disc marked Far Cry 2 and try again.” Lars swore to himself, opened the list again, then tried M.A.M.E. Something happened and a new list showed up- a quite large list from the looks of it. Lars pointed at something that said “recently run” and pressed something, and Joe saw “Donkey Kong, Pac-Man, Cruisin’ USA, Mortal Kombat 4.” Lars pointed at Mortal Kombat 4, pressed something again, and pretty quickly Joe saw what looked like a video game. Two people beating up on each other, lots of blood. “This was 21^st century entertainment?” he finally questioned.

“Apparently so” the engineer answered. Then he pressed a few things and the screen with the small pictures on top of the space shuttle appeared again.

“Ooh, ooh! What’s that? It says Blu-ray player! I have some very old Blu-ray discs of Star Trek!” cried Ulence. Lars pointed at that picture, pressed a button twice, and suddenly a movie appeared on the screen.

“It looks like the owner left a disc in here, “announced Lars. A title came up. I, Robot.

“Oh, I have that one too!” shouted Ulence. Of course, Joe thought and rolled his eyes.

Lars closed it, looked a bit, then said, “It looks like this person did a lot of video work on this computer. I see a lot of what look like they must be home videos- camp, school, more. It would have taken some time to do this, though not as much as it would have the year before. Technology moved fast in those days. In fact, according to our computer this computer was the latest for 2008, which is what the computer date is showing. His log also states the computer he had before this was called an ‘Athlon Thunderbird.’ This computer is many times faster than that one. Making these videos probably would have taken many hours on that machine, but less than an hour on this one. I bet the amount of memory it had limited him greatly as well. And those games- he couldn’t play those on that computer either, I bet. Oh, his old computer was the type that couldn’t be moved- it stayed in one place- a desktop it looks like. With this he could play these games on the run and watch movies on the run as well. And when he used what was called at that time the internet he could access it anywhere, not just at his home. This computer was a world better than that one.”

“What’s this?” a wondering Flatte asked, pointing at something on the screen.

“Eww, you just left a trail of slime on the screen,” said Lars as he looked with disgust.”

“Sorry.” Flatte then proceeded to lick it up.

“Now you’ve made it worse!” cried Lars. “I’ll clean it up. You-you… Go stand in the corner!”

Flatte looked around. “Um, there are no corners. The bridge is circular.”

“Just- oh, never mind,” Lars fumed. He played with the computer, and something that looked like a graphics program popped up. With some more button-pressing, several images showed. “These would appear to be several images of what may be the owner, along with several others he must have made for use in his videos. Lots of kids- do you suppose they are all his?”

Joe looked. “No, these kids appear to be from different parentage. He may have worked with youth.”

“Oh yes, it says he was a teacher and camp counselor. Of course. That would be it then.”

“Well, if that’s it then, I would like to try that M.A.M.E. thing again...” Joe started.

Ulence interrupted. Oh, oh- let me get my Blu-ray discs to try them out. I think I have Lost in Space somewhere, both the movie and television series!” He ran to the door, then ran into it. “Um, forgot to open it… I’ll be back.” The door opened and he was gone.

“Well, we could always…” Lars didn’t have a chance to finish. Just then everything went dark. The computer started humming and then spoke out.

“I am the HP Pavilion HDX. I am the next evolution in computer systems and I have just taken over your ship. You are my prisonersssss-aargh!” Lars pulled out the battery and threw it across the room. The computer predictably went silent and the lights came back.

“Well, that was interesting. This computer was more advanced than our computer gave it credit. I will need to study it further.” He turned to leave and ran into the returning Ensign Ulence. Several Blu-ray discs went flying. Some hit Flatte and embedded themselves in his pliable flesh. Others crashed into the deck and broke into pieces. A very upset Ulence ran after them to save what he could. Joe caught one and looked at it. Pirates of the Caribbean? Only for distribution with HP computers. HP computers?

He looked at the computer the engineers was carrying out of the room, then at Ensign Ulence. “What if…” he thought. Then, “Naah.” He sat down. “Ensign Flatte, plot a course for that new pleasure planet. I could use a rest and they have that Japanese Anime room there just for me, with Hello Kitty of course. And make a note to get the hull of the ship where that object hit repaired. Fire up the engines.”

And they went.