Previous Daily Quotes:
Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse...
There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look...
Just because you're paranoid doen't mean they're not out to get you...
Anything free is worth what you pay for it...
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats...
Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Every man is guilty of all the good he didn't do...
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can...
Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties...
The highway of life is always under construction...
Good sense is the master of human life...
A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top...
Free advice is worth the price...
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water...
A ship in port is safe, but that's not what ships are built for...
Knowledge and timber shouldn't be much used till they are seasoned...
The enemy is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on...
Ask advice only of your equals...
Know how to ask. There is nothing more difficult for some people...
No one should be judge in his own case...
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered...
Perhaps too much of everything is as bad as too little...
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back...
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs...
Tradition is a guide and not a jailer...
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?..
A precedent embalms a principle...
No one can build his security upon the nobleness of another person...
You might as well fall flat on your face as lean over too far backward...
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague...
There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her. So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her. Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included, thinking he would surely win her approval. Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that! Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway." Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car." Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, Afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. “He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied, "No way, man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked." Justin cried back. "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I've found Cod - I'm a prawn again Christian."
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about two seconds to say, "Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I was hoping that they would show up again."
A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery. She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her. Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice). She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle. Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple juice into it. When the nurse returned later that morning, he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face. "Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy," he said, pointing to the urine bottle. "Oh, really?" she replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips. "In that case, we'd better run it through again..."
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."
An old lady walked into a newspaper office. She approached an employee and said that her husband had died and that she would like to have an obituary appear in the paper. The employee gave her a form and told her to write the obituary on it. She wrote, "Earl W. Worth died Saturday, December 2nd at his home. Services are at The Baptist Church at 3 P.M." The employee looked at the form and said, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but obituaries are limited to 7 words apiece. The woman took another form and wrote, "Earl died. '57 Chevy truck for sale."
The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday. In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment. The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for the express degree you told me about?" "It's 50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?" "That's my business. Get me the course!" Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer..."
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mom loved very much and, being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school the first couple of days but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the "big boys." He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed. The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?" Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is." The little friend said, "Well, who is she?" "That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy said. "Shirley Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us?" "Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer psalm says, "Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life," so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"
Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
A middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Having shot a moose the two hunter began dragging it by the tail to their pick-up. On the way, they were stopped by a game warden. "Let me see your hunting licenses boys," he said. When he saw that everything was in order he asked if he could give them some advice. "Sure!" the hunters agreed. "Well boys, I think that you would find it a lot easier to drag that moose by the horns and not the tail." "Aye, O.K. and thanks," said the lads. After about five minutes one said to the other, "Boy, dragging by the horns is sure a lot easier, eh?" "Aye, you're right," said his friend, "but have you noticed that we are getting further away from the truck?"
A blonde walks up to a service desk at a car shop and asked the attendant for a new 7I0 cap. The attendant was perplexed and responded to the blonde, "Miss, I don't know what you're talking about! There is no such thing as a seven ten cap." "Well maybe it's a seven one zero cap!" "There is no such cap." "There has to be! I got one off my car! It's cracked and I need a new one!" By this point a couple of other male employees came over and listened to the exchange between the attendant and the blonde. Finally, one of the employees asked the lady if she had the requested part with her. "Sure!" she said. "It's right here!" She then pulled a plastic cap out of her purse. When she laid it on the counter, upside down for the gentlemen, they burst into peals of laughter. "What's so funny?" The blonde demanded. "Do I get the part or not?" "Lady," one of the men finally stated, "you don’t want a 7I0 cap! You want an 0IL cap!"
A man was well inebriated, but he got behind the wheel of his car anyway and began to drive home. Of course, he couldn't exactly drive straight or stay below the speed limit. Two policemen pulled him over and demanded a sobriety test. They asked him to walk a straight line, and he failed. They began to take him with them, but suddenly they received a call on their radios, asking them to go to another part of town. They asked the man to be patient while they called someone else to cover for them. But the man grew tired of waiting and, after a few minutes, drove home. He got in bed and said to his wife, who had been waiting for him, "If any policemen come looking for me, tell them I'm not home yet." The wife agreed, somewhat confused and a little embarrassed. No sooner than her husband fell asleep did she hear a knock at the door. Sure enough, it was the two policemen. They asked about her husband, and she replied that he wasn't home. Then they asked to check her garage. Puzzled, she agreed. She opened up the garage for them, and there sat the policemen's squad car, lights still flashing.
A woman owned a parrot that could say only one thing - “Who is it?” For years and years she had been trying to teach it to extend its vocabulary, but it resolutely refused to utter anything other than, “Who is it?” One day she had sent for the plumber, and as she had to go out shopping she arranged for him to find the key under the mat outside the front door. The plumber duly arrived, found the key, let himself in and set to work. Naturally the parrot, hearing someone in the house with an unfamiliar tread, decided to give a recital. “Who is it?” called the parrot. The plumber!” called the workman. Hearing a strange voice the parrot again decided to utter his one and only phrase. “Who is it?” “The plumber!” came the response. The parrot was not satisfied - he wanted to see who the stranger was. “Who is it?" he called again, and again the plumber yelled out, “It’s the plumber!” Again and again the bird called out, “Who is it?” and again and again the poor bewildered plumber responded, “It’s the plumber! It’s the plumber! IT'S THE PLUMBER!” Eventually in a fury he roamed the house, going from room to room, trying to find out who was calling him, but he failed to realize that it was the parrot. This went on for a while, with him dashing around the house, growing increasingly desperate, and shouting out, “It’s the plumber!” until eventually the wretched man fainted clean away in the hall! Just at that moment the mistress of the house entered, saw the unconscious figure on the carpet and said, “Oh! Who is it?” The parrot replied, “It’s the plumber!”
One day, two old men were walking down the road. They heard several very faint cries from the weeds on the side of the road. They walk over to see what it is. One of them bends down and picks up a frog. The frog says, "Oh, thank goodness, someone finally rescued me. I am a beautiful princess, and if you kiss me I will turn back into a princess, and I will do anything your heart desires." The two old men look at each other, and the one with the frog puts it in his pocket and starts walking down the road again. The other guy says "Hey, aren't you going to kiss the frog?" And the other old man says, "No, at my age I would rather have a talking frog."
One morning the blonde calls her friend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it." Her friend asks, "What is it a puzzle of?" The blonde says, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger." The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says, "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson, I wanna you lissin to me. I wanna for you to take my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about leaving me your Rolex watch instead." "You lissin to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe acouple of bambino. Soma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife in beda with another man. Whada you gonna do then? Pointa to da watch and say, TIMES UP??"
A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read, "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted. "What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively. "Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied. "Baked tongue of chicken? ... Baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed. Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?" "Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas and are forced to stop at a farmer's house. The farmer says that there are only two extra beds, so one person will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I will sleep in the barn." So, he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow." So the Rabbi says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn." A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the Rabbi. He says, "It's against my beliefs to sleep where there is a pig, and there is a pig in the barn." So, the lawyer is forced to agree to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. It's the pig and the cow.
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. "Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!" Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink ten pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up ten pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman starts lifting all ten of the pint glasses and drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If you don't mind me askin', where were you for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Well now, first I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could actually do it."
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted in hassling him to no end until finally he gave in. "OK!" he said with exasperation, "Follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him. Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him. "Do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"
A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an appointment into the Harvard University President's outer office. The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge. She frowned. "We want to see the president," the man said softly. "He'll be busy all day," the secretary snapped. "We'll wait," the lady replied. For hours, the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away. They didn't and the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted. "Maybe, if they just see you for a few minutes, they'll leave," she told him. He sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, but he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office. The president, stern-faced and with dignity, strutted toward the couple. The lady told him, "We had a son who attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. My husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus." The president wasn't touched, he was shocked. "Madam," he said gruffly, "we can't put up a statue for every person who has attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery." "Oh, no," the lady explained quickly. "We don't want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard." The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, "A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical plant at Harvard." For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. Maybe he could get rid of them now. The lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs to start a university? Why don't we just start our own?" Her husband nodded. The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment. Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford got up and walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the university that bears their name, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No. he didn't. He just walked in the door."
