JOKE O' THE DAY ARCHIVES
These are April Jokes O' The Day
Beware the wrath of a quiet man...
April 30, 2004
By nature, men love newfangledness...
When your reputation breaks down, there is no place to go for spare parts...
The bank of friendship cannot exist without deposits...
Before undergoing a surgical operation, arrange your temporal affairs. You may live...
God heals, and the doctor takes the fee...
The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet...
There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on...
The injuries we do and those we suffer are seldom weighed in the same scales...
Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well...
No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted...
Absence of occupation is not rest, a mind quite vacant is a mind distress'd...
In football, if you stand still you go backwards...
What orators lack in depth they make up to you in length...
Change your thoughts and you change your world...
Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind...
Not many sounds in life exceed in interest a knock at the door...
All theory is against the freedom of the will; all experience for it...
We tire of those pleasures we take, but never those that we give...
A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds...
Two things are infinite - the universe and human stupidity...
It's bad taste to be wise all the time, like being at a perpetual funeral...
The aim of education is the knowledge not of facts, but of values...
The strong and the weak cannot keep company...
Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics...
Never does nature say one thing and wisdom another...
Health and cheerfulness mutually beget each other...
and a baby come into the doctor's office. She is taken into an examining room and
waits for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds
him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"
"Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman. "Well then, strip down to your waist,"
orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table. The
doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very
detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed and says,
"No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!" The woman with a wry
grin on her face responds, "Well of course I don't. I'm his aunt, but I'm sure glad
I brought him in!"
April 29, 2004
efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful
about trying these techniques at home." "Why?" asked somebody from the audience. "I
watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of
trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item
at a time. One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert.
"It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in ten..."
April 27, 2004
and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening
to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of
snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on
the odd numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replied
"Jeez, OK." Two days later, again they both sit down with their cups
of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches
of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars
on the even numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and
replied, "Jeez, OK." Three days later, again they both sit down with
their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches
of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars
on the..." and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the
instructions. He said to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?" Lena
replied, "Aw, Ole, yust leave the car in the garage."
April 26, 2004
walks into a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender if he'd like to hear a good
Notre Dame joke. "Listen buddy," he growled. "See those 2 big guys on your left? They
were both linemen on the Notre Dame football team. And that huge fellow on your right
was a world-class wrestler at Notre Dame. That guy in the corner was Notre Dame's all-time
champion weight lifter. And I lettered in 3 sports at Notre Dame. Now, are you absolutely
positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?" "Nah, guess not," the man replied.
"I wouldn't want to have to explain it 5 times."
April 25, 2004
Three men, a project manager, a
software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period
helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during
their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp
a genie appears and says, "Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of
you, I will grant you each one wish." The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to
spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries
and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and
sent him on off to St. Thomas. The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend
the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money
worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his
wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean. Last, but not least, it was the project
manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie. "I want them both back
after lunch," replied the project manager.
April 24, 2004
economy is not going well and an unemployed engineer desperately needing work is
nervous about an upcoming accountant job interview. The interview goes well, but as
the engineer stands up to leave the manager says, "Oh just one more question. How much is
four times eight?" Puzzled, the engineer responds that in all calculations, even simple
ones like that, he never relies on his memory. He always uses a calculator with a paper
printout, and double-checks his answer. "Fine", says the manager, "but I just want you
to tell me the answer anyway from memory without using your calculator." "Sure," says
the engineer. "Four times eight is, uh, thirty-four." After saying goodbye and leaving
the building, the engineer hurriedly pushes up four times eight into his calculator and
curses when he sees the answer. Nonetheless, he gets the job. Six months later, when he's
doing well and feels confident enough, he walks up to his boss and asks him. "Sir, I'm
curious. Why is it that out of all those engineering candidates, you hired me, when I
gave you the wrong answer to four-times-eight?" His boss looks up and says, "Your answer
was the closest."
April 21, 2004A baby
turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to
climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end.
He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing
at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the
bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb. About an hour later, he again
reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself
off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of
the tree, sighed and started climbing. Watching these proceedings from the end of the
branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't you think
it's time we told him he was adopted?"
April 20, 2004A doctor
of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.
He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient #1 what
he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh,
he's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks
up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor tells Patient #1, "If he's
your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself." Patient #1
replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
April 19, 2004Becky
was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and
tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. "Jake," she said. "Hush,"
he quickly interrupted, "don 't talk." But she insisted," Jake," she said in her
tired voice, "I have to talk. I must confess." "There is nothing to confess," said
the weeping Jake, "It' s all right. Everything' s all right." "No, no. I must die
in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you." Jake stroked
her hand. "Now, Becky, don' t be concerned, I know all about it," he sobbed. "Why
else would I poison you?"
April 18, 2004Following
a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the
Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by
St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small,
similar to that found in a low grade Motel 6 type establishment. The lawyer was then
taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden,
and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told
St. Peter, "I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given
such small accommodations." St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes here, and
we're really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer."
April 17, 2004A 60-year-old
man, Frank, went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape.
There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a
35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" Frank responded, "Who
said he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very
active?" Frank responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times
a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it.
"Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" Frank responded again, "Who said he
was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old
and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"
Fank said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the
summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week
he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your
grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said
he wanted to?"
April 16, 2004Once
there was a Scottish accountant whose business had been in the family for generations
and generations. Over time, with the countless clients that had gone in and out of the
office, the marble step in front of the building had developed a big, deep dip in it
from all the wear and tear. His friends kept telling the accountant that he had better
get it replaced, otherwise he'd be sued for everything he had if anyone ever slipped
and fell. Reluctantly, the accountant called a stonemason to get a quote for the repairs.
When the stonemason got there the accountant demanded a price for a new step. "Aye, big
job that," said the stonemason, "But I suppose I could give you a new step for a hundred
pounds" The accountant was stunned. "Are you daft, man. I canna pay you a hundred pounds!"
Thinking about it for a second he turned to the stonemason and asked, "What would you
charge me to dig up the step and turn it over so that the worn part is in the ground
and I'd get a new square step?" The stonemason hesitated, then said, "20 pounds."
"Do it!" demanded the accountant, "and call me when you're done." The accountant went
back inside to his books, but after only 15 minutes the stonemason rang the bell. As the
accountant opened the door he saw the stonemason standing in a hole with the step,
laughing as he said, "Your great-great-great granddaddy thought of that a hundred and
fifty years ago!!"
April 15, 2004A 70-year-old
man goes to his doctor for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man,
''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally?
How is your connection with God?'' And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight.
We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the
bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''
Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said,
''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that
every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns
it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?'' And she says, ''That idiot, he's
been peeing in the refrigerator!''
April 14, 2004The
new mother got out of bed for the first time since her childbirth dressed in her robe
and walked down the hospital hallway to the nurses desk where she asked for a phone book.
"What are you doing out here! You should be in your room resting," the nurse exclaimed.
"I want to search through the phone book for a name for my baby," the new mother replied.
"You don't have to do that here. The hospital furnished a booklet to all new mothers to
assist them in picking a first name for their baby." "You don't understand," the woman
said and frowned. "My baby already has a FIRST name!"
April 13, 2004There
was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. One day, a man came in and
asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of
lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.
The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back
room and said, "there is some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of
lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing
right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half". The
manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy
and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was
impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like
that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota sir". "Oh really?
Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just
whores and hockey players up there." The manager was shocked and replied "My wife is from
Minnesota!!" The boy answered, "Really! What team did she play for?"
April 12, 2004A lawyer
was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife. She rushed in and said,
"What is it, honey?" He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being
a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to
read him his favorite verse or something of the sort. He snatched it from her and began
quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left. The wife was curious, so she
asked, "What are you doing, honey?" "I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.
April 11, 2004Andy
came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed
and asked Andy what happened. Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey
injury that acts up once in a while." Josh said, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."
Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup Play-Offs.
I put my foot through the television."
April 10, 2004A writer
dies and reaches the Golden Gates where God gives him a choice to either go to
Heaven or Hell. He finds it difficult to make up his mind so he asks God if he
can have a little tour of both places. God agrees and they first go to Hell where
the writer sees rows and rows of writers, chained to their desks in an overheated
room, being whipped if they stopped writing for a second by merciless editors and
publishers. This really frightens the writer who then proceeds to Heaven hoping it'll
be better. In Heaven, too, he sees rows of writers, chained to their desks in an
overheated room, being whipped mercilessly. So he turns to God and says, "But they're
both the same!" To which God replies, "Oh no. Here in Heaven your work gets published!"
April 9, 2004In
a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owner's little dog
being around the bar, so were quite upset when one day the little dog died. Everyone
met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his
tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail.
The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the pearly gates when he
was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going.
The little dog said, "I have been a good dog - so I am going into heaven where I belong!"
Saint Peter replied, "Heaven is a place of perfection, you can not come into heaven
without a tail, where is your tail?" The little dog explained what had happened back on
earth. St Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth and retrieve his tail. The
little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night on earth, but St Peter would
not change his mind. So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door
of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door. "My
goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you?" said the bartender.
The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed
it back. The bartender replied, "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license
doesn't allow me to retail spirits after hours!"
April 8, 2004A young
man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle
showed him the usual things chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however,
it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of
things to amuse him with. Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun,
take the dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm,
off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned. "How did you enjoy
that?" asked the uncle. "It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"
April 7, 2004A woman
accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called
the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe
disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband
will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make
sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work.
And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores,
as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only
make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie
and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting
event on television. And, most importantly make love with your husband several times
a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year,
I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband
asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.
April 6, 2004A married
couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The
doctor told her husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she
was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the
only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his
buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin
came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was
a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the
woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends
and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone
with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear,
I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever
repay you." "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your
mother kiss you on the cheek."
April 5, 2004Two
elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when Bob asked, "Fred, how was the
memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all
the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."
"That's great!" said Bob. "And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He
thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he
asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?"
Bob answered. "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that
April 4, 2004One
day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around
trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished.
Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle, killed it, and started to eat it.
Surprisingly a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested
him for killing an endangered species. At court, he plead innocent to the charges
against him claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from
starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judges closing statement he asked
the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never
eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. What did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well,
it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl."
April 3, 2004John
told the mortician to spare no expense for his father's funeral. So when a bill for
$3,200 arrived after the funeral, John paid it. The next month, he received a bill for
$85. He paid it, figuring it had been left off the original tally. But a month later,
after receiving another bill for $85, John called the funeral director. "You said you
wanted the best funeral we could arrange," the director told him. "So I rented him
April 2, 2004One
Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large
plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring
at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing
up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning, son." "Good morning, pastor," replied
the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny’s voice barely
broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
April 1, 2004The
pirate Red Beard was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who was looking for
juicy stories of excitement and derring-do. He told Red, "I'm sure my readers would
love to hear the tale behind your pegleg." "Well, I was thrown from the ship during
gale force winds, and before me mate could throw me a line, a shark bit me leg clean
off!" The interviewer was sort of disappointed. "What about the hook at the end of
your right arm?" "I lost it in a sword fight with the Captain of the Guard!" Again
the reporter was disappointed. "Certainly there's an exciting story about the patch
on your eye?" "One day, I was out on deck, and a bird flew over and pooped in me eye!"
The reporter was amazed. "That's why you wear a patch?" "Well, I'd only had me hook
a couple of days!"
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