JOKE O' THE DAY ARCHIVES
These are April Jokes O' The Day

Previous Daily Quotes:

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday...
He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else...
A cloudy day, or a little sunshine, have as great an influence on misfortunes...
Show me a thoroughly satisfied man, and I will show you a failure...
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans...
Courage is the main quality of leadership, no matter where it is exercised...
If you continually give, you will continually have...
A good book is the purest essence of a human soul...
Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage...
Change your thoughts and you change your world...
You have to be efficient if you're going to be lazy...
Most amusements only mean trying to win another person's money...
If you don't know where you're going, you will probably end up somewhere else...
If poverty is the monther of crime, stupidity is its father...
Trouble is only opportunity in work clothes...
Busy souls have no time to be busy bodies...
However far the stream flows, it never forgets its source...
A mistake means at least that someone tried to do something...
Good examples have far more value than good advice...
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time...
The best remedy for a short temper is a long walk...
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk...
Doing your best is more important than being the best...
If you want long friendships, develop a short memory...

April 30, 2005

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

April 29, 2005

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then,he sees a huge 12 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

April 28, 2005

Two eminently successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same building. One was forty years old, the other was over seventy. They rode on the elevator together at the end of an unbearably hot, sticky day. The younger man was completely done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior was fresh as a daisy. "I don't understand," he marveled, "how can you listen to drooling patients from morning till night on a day like this and still look so spry and unbothered when it's over?" The older analyst said simply, "Who listens?"

April 27, 2005

Little Johnny burst into the house, crying his eyes out. His Mama asked him what the problem was. "Pop and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away." "Now come on, Johnny," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have laughed." "That's what I did, Mama."

April 26, 2005

A camper was out on hike when he saw a bear. When he started running the bear ran, too. Finally he came to a cliff. He decided to kneel down and pray and when he did, so did the bear. "God is answering my prayer," the man thought. Then the bear said, "Bless us, oh Lord, for these thy gifts which we are about to receive from Your bounty."

April 25, 2005

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail." "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!" "A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry."

April 24, 2005

A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than 500 lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

April 23, 2005

A man was feeling terribly out of sorts and decided to go to the doctor, so he made an appointment and showed up the next day. After the doctor examined the man, the doctor invited him into his office for the consultation. The doctor came into the room with three different bottles of pills. The doctor told the man to take the red pill in the morning with a big glass of water, the blue pill in the afternoon with a big glass of water and the green pill in the evening with a big glass of water. The man, terribly shocked at the amount of pills he had to take asked the doctor what in the world was wrong with him. The doctor replied, "You aren't getting enough water."

April 22, 2005

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

April 21, 2005

A blind guy walks into a barroom and finds a stool at the bar. "Hey, want to hear a really great blond joke?" He says when the bartender brings him his drink. The place goes quiet, then the guy sitting on his left leans over and says in a low voice, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb blond with a black belt in karate. The guy sitting on your right is 6'2," weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to his right is 6'5" and pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. We're all blonds. Think about it, Pal. You really wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy thinks for a minute, then says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

April 20, 2005

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river. "Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe. "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago." "Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe. "Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

April 18, 2005

Rushing to work, Tom was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that Tom's shirt had the name of a local high school on it. "I teach math there," Tom explained. The trooper smiled and said, "Okay, here's a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 mph over the speed limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise his insurance, what's his total cost?" Tom replied, "Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I'd say zero." The trooper handed Tom's license back. "Math was never my favorite subject," he admitted. "Please slow down."

April 17, 2005

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts." "Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

April 16, 2005

A kleptomaniac woman had been caught shoplifting in a supermarket and had to appear in court, taking along her long-suffering husband for marital support. The prosecution proved that the theft had taken place, so the judge told her that, considering her record, he was forced to impose a jail term. "This time you stole a can of tomatoes. Let us suppose that there were six tomatoes in the can. Do you agree?" The woman agreed. "Then I sentence you to six nights in jail." The husband jumped to his feet, addressing the judge, "Your honor, may I approach the bench?" "Well," said his honor, "this is somewhat unusual but I will make an exception in this case. You may approach the bench." The husband wasted no time getting there and, leaning forward, he said in a low voice, "She also stole a can of peas, your honor."

April 15, 2005

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. By the time she got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as they worked together to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots."

April 14, 2005

You've never seen two greener recruits than Fred and Art the day they arrived for basic training. They were immediately assigned guard duty, and soon after, Fred was approached by an officer. "Halt! Who goes there?" Fred shouted. The officer identified himself and waited for a response. And waited... "What's wrong, soldier, don't you remember what comes next?" "No," Fred yelled back. "And you're not taking another step until I do."

April 13, 2005

A Southwest Airlines captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!"

April 12, 2005

A couple decides to go for a meal on their anniversary and, after some deliberation, decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special chicken surprise. The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Geez, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and this time he sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over and explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Well sir," says the waiter, "What did you order?" "We both chose the same," he replies, "The chicken surprise." "Oh I do apologize, this is my fault," says the waiter, "I've brought you the Peeking Duck!"

April 10, 2005

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!" The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

April 9, 2005

A grade school teacher was asking his pupils what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?" Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amy," said the teacher. "What does your parent do, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's dad said, "I'm actually a system programmer specializing in TCP/IP communication protocol on UNIX systems. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

April 8, 2005

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smarty when he's drunk and stoned." The guy from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

April 7, 2005

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

April 6, 2005

Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going. "Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey." "No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit." "Thanks for the tip" said the second bee and flew away. A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked, "How'd it go?" "Fine," said the second bee, "It was everything you said if would be." "Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee. "That's my yamulka," said the second bee. I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

April 5, 2005

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"


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