JOKE O' THE DAY ARCHIVES
These are August Jokes O' The Day

Previous Daily Quotes:

The road to knowledge begins with the turn of the page...
Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard are sweeter...
It is better to be defeated on principle than to win on lies...
Success is getting what you want. Happiness is liking what you get...
A strong positive mental attitude will create more miracles than any wonder drug...
Be true to your work, your word, and your friend...
Don't use your lot in life as a parking lot - build on it...
Conscience...the small voice that sometimes makes you feel smaller...
You never get a second chance to make a first impression...
It's okay to let your mind wander, as long as you don't lose it...
Your best up to now should not be your standard for the rest of your life...
Dreams are the touchstones of our character...
Some days are like popping popcorn without a lid...
No one is ever old enough to know better...
The ones to get even with are those who have helped you...
If you can't see the light, maybe you're looking for the tunnel...
A rumor is like a used car - to see how far it goes, first get it started...
Plan for the future; you're going to spend the rest of your life there...
Anyone who asks if you can keep a secret, cannot...
If you jump to conclusions, you may leap over the facts...
The least expensive thing to spend on others is your time...
Age is not the years of your life but the liveliness in your years...
If the shoe fits, try to find the other one...
An egotist is always me-deep in conversation...
A warm heart accomplishes more than a hot head...

August 25, 2004

A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache. Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it. The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."

August 24, 2004

Paul was driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan, with his boat in tow. Suddenly, he had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use the marine radio to get help. Climbing into the boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance. A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location." Paul replied, "I'm on Interstate 75, two miles south of Standish." The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?" "I-75, two miles south of Standish." A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast were you going when you hit shore?"

August 23, 2004

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband, who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

August 22, 2004

Marco has a date with a beautiful girl who lives in the penthouse apartment of a forty story building. She tells him she'll be a little late, and that the doorman will let him in, and that he should relax and play with her dog, Joey. He gets to the apartment and Joey is a huge great Dane. Marco keeps throwing a tennis ball so Joey can fetch it. One time he tosses the ball out on the balcony and it bounces over the ledge. Joey leaps over the side after it, and disappears. Just then, the girl walks in. Marco says, "Honey, have you noticed your dog has been acting depressed lately?"

August 21, 2004

Two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, :Hey, why don't you try this ball?" He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it." His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?" The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound. If you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it onto the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it." Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?!" The man replies, "I found it."

August 20, 2004

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper, "Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?" "Yes," the professor answered. "When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now." "Well," said the gatekeeper, "that is a very minor sin. You may enter." "Thank you very much, Saint Peter," the professor answered. "I'm not Saint Peter," said the gatekeeper, "he is having his lunch break. I am Saint Lucas."

August 19, 2004

The owner of a bar is just locking up for the night when there is a knock at the door. He opens the door and there's a snail sitting on the doorstep. "What do you want?" asks the owner. "I want a beer," says the snail. "First of all, we're closed, and second of all, we don't serve snails. So go away!" The snail begs and pleads for a beer. The owner finally gets fed up, kicks the snail, and slams the door. One year later.... The owner of the bar is just locking up for the night when there is a knock at the door. He opens the door and there's a snail sitting on the doorstep. "What'd you do that for?" asks the snail.

August 18, 2004

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

August 17, 2004

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."

August 16, 2004

Students at a New England university operated a "bank" of term papers and other homework assignments. There were papers to suit all needs. The "bank" had A grade, B grade, and C grade papers, since it would be rather suspicious if an undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay. A student, who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his assignment, went to the "bank" and purchased a paper with an inconspicuous C grade. He then retyped it and handed in the work to his professor. In due course, the student received the paper back with the professor's comments, which read, "I wrote this paper myself 25 years ago and I always thought it should have been graded an A, so now I'm more than pleased to give it one!"

August 15, 2004

A man got a credit card bill stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. Next month he got another, and did the same thing. The next month they sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his credit card if he didn't send them $0.00. He called and talked to them. They said it was "a glitch" and told him they'd take care of it. The following month he tried to charge something and couldn't. He called the credit card company who again said they'd take care of it. The next day he got his bill for $0.00 stating that he was very delinquent. The man figured the credit card company would take care of it, so he didn't worry. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay or his account was going to collection. He mailed the credit card company a check for $0.00, and the credit card company's computer processed it, noting that his account was now paid in full. A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. He explained and they said, "Well, your $0.00 check has caused our check processing software to fail. We now can't process ANY of our checks from that day electronically because that $0.00 check is causing the program to abort." The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

August 14, 2004

A man and a woman were just divorced. On their way out of the courthouse they are both killed by a runaway bus. In heaven, they have second thoughts about their divorce so they go to St. Peter and ask to be remarried. St. Peter said, "Come back in 15 years!" Fifteen years later they're back and a minister remarries them. Soon after, they start fighting again and decide to split up. So they go back to St. Peter and ask to be divorced. St. Peter throws up his hands and says, :It took me 15 years to find a preacher up here and now you want me to find a lawyer?"

August 13, 2004

Three Texans go down to Mexico one night and get drunk and wake up in jail. They found out that they are to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done. The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Baylor School of Divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die, so they let him go. The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am from the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." The switch is thrown and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go. The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a fighting Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you'll never electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires!"

August 12, 2004

A new restaurant opened in a city. On the window a sign said, "We have all food and we mean it. If you can name something we don't have, you win 1 million dollars!" A man walked by, read the sign and said, "I'll try this." He went in, sat down and said, "Can I have caterpillar legs on rye bread?" The waiter said, "Coming right up!" The next day the determined man went in and said, "Can I have worms in my spaghetti?" The waiter said, "Coming right up!" So he tried and tried about 9 more times. Still, no one has won the money. The 10th time, he walked in, sat down, and said, "Can I have elephant ears on white bread?" The waiter said, "Of course! There's no stopping you is there? Coming right up!" About 10 minutes later the waiter comes back with the 1 million dollars. The man said, "I thought you said you had it!" The waiter said, "We had the elephant ears, but we ran out of white bread!"

August 11, 2004

A young Marine and his commanding officer climbed on board a train headed through the mountains of Switzerland. The only place they could find to sit was right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it became obvious that the young woman and the young soldier were interested in each other, but the young woman kept glancing nervously at her grandmother. Soon the train passed into a pitch black tunnel. There was the sound of a passionate kiss followed by the sound of a stinging slap. When the train emerged from the tunnel, the four sat there without saying a word. The grandmother thought to herself, "It was very brash for that young soldier to kiss my granddaughter, and I'm glad she slapped him." The commanding officer sat there thinking, "I figured he'd try to steal a kiss, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the soldier kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young Marine sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. When does a fellow have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time?"

August 10, 2004

The soldier serving overseas, far from home, was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying: "Regret cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

August 9, 2004

"This is your captain speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me, the copilot, and one of the flight attendants. This is a recording."

August 8, 2004

Three old men were sitting on a bench in Florida when a reporter approached them. "I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell us your secret to long life," the reported asked. The three old men agreed. The first old man was asked his secret to his long life. "I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years." "Wow, thats really remarkable!" said the reporter. "And how old are you?" he asked the second man. "I'm 93," said the man. The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life. "I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some." "And how old are you?" asked the reporter. "I'm 91," said the old man. Finally, the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life. "I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day." "Wow!" said the reporter. "And how old are you?" "29," replied the man.

August 7, 2004

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border. To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened. "Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, "Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!" He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, "Bill Clinton is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash, too!" "We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."

August 6, 2004

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet: The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze out one more drop of juice would win the money. Many people had tried over time, (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?" The man replied, "I work for the Internal Revenue Service."

August 5, 2004

There was a little fellow named Junior who hung out at the local grocery store. The manager didn't know what Junior's problem was, but the boys liked to tease him. The boys said he was two bricks short of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes the boys offered Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always took the nickel, they said, because it was bigger. One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Junior said, "No sir, you see if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

August 4, 2004

Pat and Mike were walking down the street, when they came to the church, Pat says, "Mike, you wait here, I'm going to run in for confession, it's been a long time." Pat enters the confessional and says, "Father forgive me, I have sinned with a married woman." The priest asks, "Was it Mrs Murphy?" "No, Father," was the reply. "Was it Mrs O'Boyle?" Again the reply was, "No, Father." "Was it Mrs. O'Grady?" Pat said, "Father, I'll not be telling you the lady's name!" So the priest told him to say two Hail Marys for each time he had sinned with the woman. Back on the street, Mike said, "Well, how did you do?" Pat said, "Just fine. I kept me mouth shut and got three new prospects!"

August 3, 2004

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. "Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o'those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o'course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later." The man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test." Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?"

August 2, 2004

A robust-looking gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy. then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how about a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the alley like a common bum?" "I'm very sorry, sir..." began the contrite headwaiter. "Oh it's quite all right," said the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again..."

August 1, 2004

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel. The new bride is concerned and asked, "What if the place is still bugged?" The groom says, "Hmm...Good point. I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. "AHA!" he shouts. Sure enough, under the rug was a small disc-shaped plate, with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the plate out the window. The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?" Curious, the groom says, "And why, sir, are you asking me all these questions?" The hotel manager says, "Well, the room under yours complained of the chandelier falling on them!"


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