JOKE O' THE DAY ARCHIVES
These are August Jokes O' The Day

Previous Daily Quotes:

Worried about tomorrow? You did that yesterday about today...
A true test of patience is not minding being put on hold...
It is better to be defeated on principle than to win on lies...
Success is getting what you want. Happiness is liking what you get...
Problems are only opportunities in work clothes...
Be true to your work, your word, and your friend...
All the flowers of tomorrow are in the seeds of today...
In youth we learn; in age we understand...
Good intentions are no good until they are put into action...
There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks all of them...
Dreams are the touchstones of our character...
The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success, hasn't been asleep...
The faintest ink is more powerful than the strongest memory...
An upright man can never be a downright failure...
Things turn out best for those that make the best of the way things turn out...
A man may die, nations may rise and fall, but an idea lives on...
It is rare life that remains orderly even in private...
Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life...
Live as if you were to die tomorrow; learn as if you were to live forever...
Try to find your deepest issue in every confusion, and abide by that...
Travel can be broadening, especially when the food is good...
The fellow who is fired with enthusiasm for his work is seldom fired by his boss...
The difficulties of life are intended to make us better, not bitter...
Trying to change others can be frustrating; changing oneself, more so...
A baby is an angel whose wings grow smaller as his legs grow longer...
Our successes encourage us, but not as much as our failures discourage us...
Smiles are like colds; they are catching...
If you're satisfied to get by, move over and let another get by who isn't...

Today's Joke - August 31, 2005

Students at a New England university operated a "bank" of term papers and other homework assignments. There were papers to suit all needs. The "bank" had A grade, B grade, and C grade papers, since it would be rather suspicious if an undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay. A student, who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his assignment, went to the "bank" and purchased a paper with an inconspicuous C grade. He then retyped it and handed in the work to his professor. In due course, the student received the paper back with the professor's comments, which read, "I wrote this paper myself 25 years ago and I always thought it should have been graded an A, so now I'm more than pleased to give it one!"

Today's Joke - August 30, 2005

An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a checkup. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me." "Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "do you drink much?" "Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop." "How about smoking?" asked the doctor. "Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it." "Well," asked the doctor, "do you have much sex life?" "Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night - always have been." The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?" "Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head." "Okay," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!"

Today's Joke - August 29, 2005

A professor stood before his class of 20 senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer break. So that no one gets their GP messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the course." There was much rejoicing amongst the class as students got up, passed by the professor to thank him and sign out on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Any one else? This is your last chance." One final student rose up and took the offer. The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself," he said. "You all have an 'A' for the course."

Today's Joke - August 26, 2005

Three guys found themselves in Hades - we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett. They were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4', dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity with this woman!" Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment. This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off. Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying, "Cindy, you have sinned ........"

Today's Joke - August 25, 2005

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation. (She is speaking in a cheery voice.) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

Today's Joke - August 24, 2005

A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache. Finally, his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it. The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."

Today's Joke - August 23, 2005

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

Today's Joke - August 22, 2005

Marco has a date with a beautiful girl who lives in the penthouse apartment of a forty story building. She tells him she'll be a little late, and that the doorman will let him in, and that he should relax and play with her dog, Joey. He gets to the apartment and Joey is a huge great Dane. Marco keeps throwing a tennis ball so Joey can fetch it. One time he tosses the ball out on the balcony and it bounces over the ledge. Joey leaps over the side after it, and disappears. Just then, the girl walks in. Marco says, "Honey, have you noticed your dog has been acting depressed lately?"

Today's Joke - August 21, 2005

Hank and Joe were approaching the first tee. Hank goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to Joe, "Hey, why don't you try this ball?" He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it." Joe replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?" Hank replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it onto the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it." Obviously, Joe doesn't believe him, but Hank shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. Joe says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?" Hank replies, "I found it."

Today's Joke - August 20, 2005

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper, "Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?" "Yes," the professor answered. "When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it, so the goal won us the match. I regret that now." "Well," said the gatekeeper, "that is a very minor sin. You may enter." "Thank you very much, Saint Peter," the professor answered. "I'm not Saint Peter," said the gatekeeper. "He is having his lunch break. I am Saint Lucas."

Today's Joke - August 19, 2005

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home," he said. "I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck." "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

Today's Joke - August 18, 2005

The military is a stickler for rules, and when it comes to off-base medical treatment, the rules are that many procedures need to be preauthorized. So when Fred and Mary were expecting their first child, they did things by the book. After their son was born on September 22, the insurance statement showed that the obstetrician was not paid the full contracted amount. Mary called their insurer's representative. "The problem is, your son was born early," she said, looking through the files. "And the Air Force hadn't authorized him to arrive for another two weeks."

Today's Joke - August 17, 2005

Some people just aren't happy unless they have something to complain about. Joe stayed in a beautiful hotel on the beach in California - an idyllic spot, you would think. But when Joe was waiting to check out, he heard the manager ask another guest, "Did you enjoy your stay?" "Not really," the man said grimly. "I'm sorry to hear that," the manager apologized. "What was the problem?" "The surf was too loud."

Today's Joke - August 16, 2005

Even though the Martins were on a shoestring grad-student budget, the wife insisted they pay off the hospital bill when their son was born. Now they had to figure out how to meet their other financial obligations. They were discussing this one night when the baby began crying for a diaper change. As the wife picked him up, she sighed, "He's the only thing in this house that's paid for, and he leaks."

Today's Joke - August 15, 2005

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied. The elders of the second churh, deciding that they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

Today's Joke - August 14, 2005

If there's a competition for the Worst Waiter of the Year, Fred has a candidate. He was working at his aunt's favorite restaurant when Fred took her there for her birthday. This guy messed up every order. She asked for pork. He brought beef. They requested beans. They got corn. And so on. At the end of the meal, he asked, "Would anyone like dessert?" Fred's aunt said, "What do I have to order to get a piece of cheesecake?"

Today's Joke - August 13, 2005

"Mr. Chilton," the analyst said, "I think this will be your last visit." "Does that mean I'm cured?" he asked. "For all practical purposes, yes," she said. "I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where the kleptomania came from." "Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell you something. Although our relationship is strictly professional, it's been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do something to repay you for helping me." "You've paid my fee," the doctor said. "That's the only responsibility you have." "I know," Chilton said. "But isn't there some personal favor I could do for you?" "Well," the doctor said, "I'll tell you what. If you ever suffer a relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television."

Today's Joke - August 12, 2005

A new restaurant opens in a city. On the window a sign says, "We have all food and we mean it. If you can name something we don't have,you win 1 million dollars!" A man walks by, reads the sign and says, "I'll try this." So he goes in and says, "Can I have caterpillar legs on rye bread?" They say, "Coming right up!" The next day he goes in and says, "Can I have worms in my spaghetti?" They say, "Coming right up!" So he tries and tries about nine more times. Still no one has won the money. The tenth time he walks in and says, "Can I have elephant ears on white bread?" They say, "Of course! There's no stopping you is there? Coming right up!" About ten minutes later the waiter comes back with the money. The man said, "I thought you had it." The waiter said, "We had the elephant ears, but we ran out of white bread!"

Today's Joke - August 11, 2005

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor. "So, what is it?" grumbled the governor. "Judge Garber has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place." Replied the governor, "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."

Today's Joke - August 10, 2005

One day a blonde goes to get her hair cut. The hair stylist notices that the girl has on headphones. The blonde never takes the headphones off, so the stylist got to thinking, "Hmm, I wonder what is so important about those headphones?" While the hairstylist was trimming the blonde's hair she noticed that she was dozing off, so she decided to find out what the girl had been listening to. The stylist slowly and carefully takes the headphones off and as she holds the headphones up to her own ear she hears the words, "Breathe in, Breathe out......."

Today's Joke - August 8, 2005

The whole neighborhood shook from the explosion. As shopkeepers ran outside to see what happened, they spotted the pharmacist staggering out of his smoldering building. His white uniform was now scorched black. He went up to a woman standing nearby. "Lady!" he said. "Would you please ask your doctor to write that prescription again. And this time, PRINT IT!"

Today's Joke - August 7, 2005

A woman was shopping in a computer discount store. She was looking for a bargain in a sub-300 MHZ model. A salesman walked over and she asked why the obsolete models were all so expensive. He replied, "Well, all of those models are very scarce, Miss, you're lucky we even have any in stock." "Scarce?" she said, her voice rising. "Why just today the paper says all of the manufacturers have an overstock." "Exactly right." the salesman smiled. "There's such a big supply and so little demand, it doesn't pay to ship them."

Today's Joke - August 6, 2005

A gentleman walks into the Guinness world records office and announces that he has set a new record. The man in charge says, "Well,... what is it?" The gentleman says. "I've completed this 200 piece jigsaw puzzle, and it only took me 18 months!" And the man in charge says, "Well,... why should that be a new world record?" And the gentleman says, "It said on the box 3 to 5 years!"

Today's Joke - August 5, 2005

While the professor said this cohabitation of men and women reflected the newer generation's relaxed ethical standards, many students disagreed. Finally, one student asked, "You mean you never walked into a woman's dorm after hours when you were in college? "Never," the teacher replied firmly. "I had to climb in through the window."

Today's Joke - August 4, 2005

Pat and Mike were walking down the street when they came to the church. Pat says, "Mike, you wait here, I'm going to run in for confession. It's been a long time." Pat enters the confessional and says, "Father forgive me, I have sinned with a married woman." The priest asks, "Was it Mrs. Murphy?" "No, Father," was the reply. "Was it Mrs. O'Boyle?" Again the reply was, "No, Father." "Was it Mrs. O'Grady?" Pat said, "Father, I'll not be telling you the lady's name!" So the priest told him to say two Hail Marys for each time he had sinned with the woman. Back on the street, Mike said, "Well, how did you do?" Pat said, "Just fine, I kept me mouth shut and got three new prospects!"

Today's Joke - August 3, 2005

Late one Friday night the policemen spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. "Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o'those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test." Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"

Today's Joke - August 2, 2005

A medical doctor, an engineer and a lawyer all went into shark-infested waters when their boat capsized. The sharks tore the doctor and the engineer limb from limb and ate them all up. They left the lawyer. Why? Professional courtesy.

Today's Joke - August 1, 2005

One day there was a knock on the Pope's office door. When he answered it, the salesman said, "Hello, my management team would like to discuss a proposal with you." After taking a seat in his office, the salesman said, "'I am with Kentucky Fried Chicken. We would like to offer you a contract to the church if you can change the Lord's blessing from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'daily chicken'." The Pope said, "I'm sorry, we just cannot do that." The salesman went back to his office where he discussed the outcome of the meeting. He returned to the Pope's office a week later with the same proposal, only he had upped the bid to 4 million. The Pope gently declined, again. The next week he came again and offered the Pope an offering of 10 million. The Pope said, "Let me think it over." The Pope then called a meeting with the elders of the church and said, "Well gentlemen, I have good news and bad news. Kentucky Fried Chicken has generously offered us 10 million dollars to change the Lord's Prayer from 'daily bread' to 'daily chicken'. The bad new is that we will lose the Wonder Bread contract."


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