The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified
in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.
The election of President Bush to a second term is prompting the exodus among left citizens
who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors,
animal activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the
cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said
farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold,
exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range
chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my
screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals
scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields.
"Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows
so much they wouldn't give milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian
border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them
to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,"
an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water.
They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that
they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush
administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink
domestic beer and watch NASCAR.
In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sneakier ways of crossing the
border. Some have taken as posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian
prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs,
Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed
senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't identify the accordian player on the Lawrence
Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said. Canadian citizens have
complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and
renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.
"I feel sorry for the American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support
them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick
Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take
steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have some
Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endagered species on postage stamps.
The president is determined to reach out."
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