JOKE O' THE DAY ARCHIVES
These are December Jokes O' The Day

Previous Daily Quotes:

People ask you for criticism, but they only want praise...
A good education is the next best thing to a pushy mother...
He who lives on hope, dies of starvation...
I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on floppy somewhere...
What you do best is probably so easy you underestimate its value...
Problems are only opportunities in work clothes...
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain...
Most amusements only mean trying to win another person's money...
Buy land - they're not making it anymore...
You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends...
It takes longer to hard-boil a man or a woman than an egg...
They also serve who only stand and wait...
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something...
Curiosity is, in great and generous minds, the first passion and the last...
A sharp tongue is the only edge tool that grows keener with constant use...
A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds...
One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other...
Instead of counting the days, make your days count...
No one is ever old enough to know better...
Count your age by friends, not years...count your life by smiles, not tears...
Among mankind's most effective medicines is a sympathetic ear...
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall...
Kindness is difficult to give away...it keeps coming back...
Happiness is not a station to arrive at, but a manner of traveling...
The darkest night that ever fell on earth never put out the stars...
Live your life so that whenever you lose, you are ahead...
He that can have patience can have what he will...
To be a giving person, you don't need to give in, but there's much you must give up...
The flowers or weeds that spring up tomorrow are in the seeds we sow today...
Absence of occupation is not rest, a mind quite vacant is a mind distress'd...
The best way to survive an accident is not to get into one...

December 31, 2003

A pair of tourists were out in the fields when they discovered an abandoned well near an old farm house. Of course they're curious so they drop a small stone into the well, but they never hear it hit bottom. They search and find a larger rock and drop it into the well but once again hear nothing. They decide they need something larger and search the farm yard for a larger object. After much struggle, they manage to drag a large railroad tie to the edge of the well and drop it over the edge. After several seconds, a goat tears across the yard and without any hesitation, dives head first into the open hole. The two tourists stand in amazement. About then a farmer appears and tells them he is looking for a lost goat. The tourists tell the farmer about the goat diving into the well. "That couldn't be my goat", the farmer replies, "My goat was grazing in the field roped to a railroad tie!"

December 30, 2003

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called up to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

December 29, 2003

An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked. The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" he asked. The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted. "Could I have a pint of ale?" "No!" she shouted. "Could I at least sleep in your stable?" "No!" she shouted again. The vagabond said, "Might I please...?" "What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish. "D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"

December 28, 2003

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't those guys play at night?"

December 27, 2003

Millard proudly announced to his wife that he'd been promoted to company vice president. "Big deal!" she responded. "Vice presidents are a dime a dozen. Why, the supermarket where we shop has so many vice presidents, they have one who's just in charge of grocery bags." The annoyed husband replied, "I'll call your bluff. Let's phone the store right now." He called and asked to speak to the vice president in charge of bags. A polite voice inquired, "Paper or plastic."

December 26, 2003

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him." So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, 'intelligence'?" The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!" The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

December 25, 2003

After finishing their meal, the elderly woman left her glasses on the table, but she didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The elderly man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. He called his wife every bad name he could think of. When they finally arrived at the restaurant, as the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, too."

December 24, 2003

A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant shooting. The friend was in awe of the General's new bird dog, "Sarge". The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog at any price. The General declined, saying that Sarge was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn't part with him at any price. A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog. "What happened to ole Sarge?" he asked. "Had to shoot him," grumbled the General. "A friend came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him Colonel. After that, all he would do was sit on his butt and bark."

December 23, 2003

"Mount Sinai Hospital? Hello, Darling. I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse. I want all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z." The voice on the other line said "Would you hold the line please, that's a very unusual request." Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?" She said: "Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel in Room 302." He said "Finkel... Finkel... Let me see. Farber, Feinberg -- Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock." The woman said "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that! That's wonderful news!" The guy on the other end says: "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family." She said "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel!! My doctor don't tell me nothing."

December 22, 2003

The loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork." The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

December 21, 2003

The local game warden in a small town in Oregon had arrested a man for killing and eating an Egret. The man went before a judge to plead his case. After pleading guilty, but with an explanation, the judge asked him why he did it. "I was just trying to feed my hungry family," he told the judge, "and I've never done anything like that before." The judge, being a family man himself, had a soft heart and agreed to let the man go free, since he was only trying to feed his starving family and it was his first and only offense. "Before you go, though, I want to ask you a question," the judge quipped, "What does Egret taste like?" "Well your Honor," the man told him, "It's not as tender as Spotted Owl but it's better than Bald Eagle!"

December 20, 2003

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well" said the man, "She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls. So the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away. Nine Months later, Little Johnny was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: Little Johnny was the ugliest, most pathetic baby you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

December 19, 2003

A gentleman wanders around the campus of a college looking for the library. He approaches a student and asked, "Excuse me, young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?" The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, "I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!" The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, "I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, idiot?"

December 18, 2003

A young man, who was an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and it was directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

December 17, 2003

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?" "Why do you want me to throw them at you?" "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them." "Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy." "But why?" "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to get the orange roughy."

December 16, 2003

Roy walked in the front door of a bar, obviously drunk. He staggered up to the bar, sat on a stool, and asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informed Roy that it appeared that he had already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him. Roy was briefly surprised, then softly scoffed, grumbled, climbed off the bar stool and staggered out the front door. A few minutes later, Roy stumbled in the side door of the same bar. He wobbled up to the bar and hollered for a drink. The bartender came over and, still politely but more firmly, refused service to him due to his inebriation, and again offered to call a cab. Roy looked at the bartender for a moment angrily, cursed and showed himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, Roy burst through the back door of the bar. He plopped himself on a bar stool, gathered his wits and belligerently ordered a drink. The bartender came over and emphatically reminded him that he was clearly drunk, would be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police would be called immediately. Roy looked at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cried "Man! How many bars do you work at!"

December 15, 2003

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."

December 14, 2003

A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it? He said he'd offer to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too. Tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

December 13, 2003

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? They're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

December 12, 2003

There is a folk belief that if you bury a statue of St. Joseph on a piece of property, it will be sold more quickly. When Susan was getting ready to move, she took the St. Joseph from a nativity scene and buried it near her front door. A few days later a woman made an offer. Since she had to sell her home, Susan suggested that she enlist the help of the saint as well. After a month of burying the statue all over her lawn, she had no nibbles and, in disgust, put the statue out with the trash. A week later she opened her local paper and read, "Town Sells Landfill to Private Developer."

December 11, 2003

The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor was not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave -- with no penalties for missing a class. The rooms were equipped with the type of wall clocks which "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it were, these clocks were not of the most sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute. So, it became almost daily practice for these students to take target practice at the clock (this particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few well-aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself. Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told the class, "You have one hour to complete the examination." The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the room, gleefully took aim at the clock. When he had successfully "jumped" the clock forward one hour, he ended the class and collected the exam papers.

December 10, 2003

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake?"

December 9, 2003

A successful scientist was on his way to a seminar where he was supposed to give a lecture on his new breakthrough in research. His chauffeur saw his tired look and felt sorry for him. "Sir, why don't you take the day off today," he said, "I've heard your lecture so many times by now I know it by heart. I can give the lecture and you can just sit back and relax." The scientist thought this was a great idea, since he was sick and tired of giving the exact same lecture over and over again. When they arrived at the seminar the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat and seated himself in the back of the lecture hall. His trusted chauffeur walked to the podium and gave an excellent lecture showing at least as much confidence as the scientist would. At the end of the lecture the chauffeur asked, just as his master always does, "Are there any questions?" One of the professors in the hall stood up and asked a long question about a very complicated and highly theoretical matter. The chauffeur was panicking silently but finally managed to pull himself together. "That, professor, is a very simple question," he answered, "in fact, it is so simple I'll let my chauffeur answer it."

December 8, 2003

A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors' houses each month. Of course the lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over. A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms because they are too expensive." He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed." She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison." He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them." After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some. She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced an diced them to get them ready go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty. Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class. After everyone had finished they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit. About this time the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died." With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We will pump out everyone's stomach and everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm." It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases and a stomach pump and the doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one they took each person into the master bedroom and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, I think everything will be fine now, and he left. They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!"

December 7, 2003

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck." So he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?!"

December 6, 2003

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walking again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

December 5, 2003

A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden. After about a half mile the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!!" the Warden gasped. With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young feller, "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one!"

December 4, 2003

Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man. Everytime the young nurse came in, she would say in a patronising tone, "And how are we doing this morning?!" Well, this is a story of revenge. Harry had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went. The nurse came in and picked up the urine bottle. She looks at it and says, "It seems we are a little cloudy today..." At this, Harry snatches the bottle out of her hand, drinks its contents, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, maybe I can filter it better this time."

December 3, 2003

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection He was 71. He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded". Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.

December 2, 2003

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

December 1, 2003

Dan really liked living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. Miss a ferry late at night, and he'd have to spend the next hour or two wandering the streets of lower Manhattan. So when Dan spotted a ferry no more than twelve feet from the dock, he decided he didn't want to wait for another. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees...a little bruised maybe...but safe on deck. As he got up, brushing himself off, he announced proudly to a passenger, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?" "Ya sure did," the passenger said. "But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."


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