JOKE O' THE DAY ARCHIVES
These are December Jokes O' The Day

Previous Daily Quotes:

Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body...
True happiness is of a retired nature, and an enemy to pomp and noise...
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday...
It is better to be defeated on principle than to win on lies...
Success is getting what you want. Happiness is liking what you get...
Problems are only opportunities in work clothes...
Be true to your work, your word, and your friend...
You can lead a man up to the university, but you can't make him think
No one gossips about other people's secret virtues...
Many receive advice, only the wise profit by it...
The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness...
When all men think alike, no one thinks very much...
Dreams are the touchstones of our character...
Fanaticism consists in redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your aim...
The faintest ink is more powerful than the strongest memory...
Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body...
Progress might have been all right once but it has gone on too long...
Kindness is the oil that takes the friction out of life...
Everything that is done in the world is done by hope...
We must always have old memories and young hopes...
A good snapshot stops a memory from running away...
Ideas are funny little things..they won't work unless you do...
Doing what you like is freedom...liking what you do is happiness...
You have to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was...
It takes as much energy to hold out a helping hand as to point a finger...
The greatest reward for doing is the opportunity to do more...
Past experience should be a guidepost, not a hitching post...
Living in the past is lots of fun...besides, it's cheaper...
No matter what may be your lot in life, build something on it...
The bend in the road is not the end of the road unless you fail to make the turn...
One of the finest accomplishments is making a long story short...

December 31, 2004

In the depths of the countryside there lived a farmer who took care of baby animals. The farm was very peaceful until one day the farmer's pig was murdered. The only witness the farmer had to this murder was his pet bunny rabbit. Since the rabbit was unable to speak and tell him who murdered his pig, the farmer lined up four animal suspects - a cow, a horse, a goat, and a duck. He then told the rabbit to pick out who had committed the murder. The rabbit hopped forward three feet, and when he stopped in front of the goat, the farmer shook his head and said, "The hare's looking at you, kid."

December 30, 2004

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs dwn off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAN! How many bars do you work at?

December 29, 2004

The phone rang in the obituary department of the local newspaper. "How much does it cost to have an obituary printed"? asked a woman. "It's five dollars a word, ma'am," the clerk replied politely. "Fine," said the woman after a moment. "Got a pencil?" "Yes ma'am." "Got some paper?" "Yes ma'am." "Okay, write this down: 'Cohen dead'." "That's all?" asked the clerk disbelievingly. "That's it." "I'm sorry ma'am, I should have told you - there's a five word minimum." "Yes, you should've," snapped the woman. Now let me think a minute... okay, got a pencil?" "Yes ma'am." "Got some paper?" "Yes, ma'am." Okay, here goes: 'Cohen dead. Cadillac for Sale.'"

December 28, 2004

The dying penny pincher told his doctor, lawyer and pastor, "I have $90,000 under my mattress. At my funeral I want each of you to toss an envelope with $30,000 into the grave." And after telling them this, he died. At the funeral, each threw his envelope in the grave. Later, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I threw in only $20,000." The doctor admitted, "I needed #20,000 for new equipment at the hospital, so I only had $10,000 in the envelope." "Gentlemen, I'm shocked that you would blatantly ignore this man's final wish," said the lawyer. "I threw in my personal check for the full amount."

December 27, 2004

Doug was leaving church after Christmas srvices when Father McCarthy took him aside. "Douglas, my son," he said, "it's time you joined the Army of the Lord. We need to see you every Sunday." "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Father," Doug replied. "Then why do we only see you on Christmas and Easter?" Doug looked to the right and to the left. and then leaned over to whisper in Father McCarthy's ear. "I'm in the Secret Service."

December 26, 2004

As an instructor in driver education, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel. One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes. When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others. Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car?"

December 25, 2004

Mrs. Santa Claus was seeking a divorce from an incredulous judge who asked her to explain her marital problems. "It's that happy, jolly stuff, all year long," she said. "It drives me crazy!" "All year? Why, I thought Santa's work was only in the winter," said the judge. "Sure, but in summer he takes up gardening," Mrs. Santa replied, "and then it's hoe, hoe, hoe all over again!"

December 24, 2004

It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn’t. Santa was really ticked off. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The Elves were whining about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners. Santa was beside himself with anger. “I can't believe it!! I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don’t even have a Christmas tree!! I sent that stupid little Angel out hours ago to find a tree and he isn’t even back yet!! What am I going to do?” Just then the little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, “Yo, Santa, where do you want me to stick the Christmas tree this year?” And thus the tradition of Angels perched on top of Christmas trees came to be.

December 23, 2004

A man was watching a fisherman at work. The fisherman caught a giant trout but threw it back into the river. Next the fisherman hooked a huge pike and threw it back. Finally, the fisherman caught a little bass. He smiled and put the little bass in his bag. "Hey," yelled a guy who was watching. "Why did you throw back a giant trout and a huge pike and then keep a little bass?" The fisherman yelled back, "Small frying pan."

December 22, 2004

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying, "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!" And the other person says, "So what are you up to?" What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say, "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!" At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?" Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!" Then I hear the person say nervously, "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

December 21, 2004

Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Sven just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January, you were born in July".

December 20, 2004

A Doctor dies and goes to hell. The devil greets him and tells him that since he was doctor, and did some good that he could choose his eternity. The devil opens the first door, there are doctors hanging from their ankles being whipped by demons. "Oh my God, I don't want that", the doctor replies. The devil opens a second door to reveal doctors on fire being chased by huge beasts. "That one is even worse!" says the doctor, getting more nervous. The devil opens a third door to reveal doctors in lounge chairs being served tropical drinks by gorgeous, scantily clad nurses. "Sign me up for that eternity!" the doctor states. The devil then slams that door and says, "You can't go there, you weren't supposed to see that." The doctor asks, "Why can't I go in there?" The devil replies, "Well.... that's nurse hell."

December 19, 2004

A minister had gotten about two-thirds through his sermon when he found an unexpected shortage of manuscript. After fumbling it a moment he said, "My good friends, I find the last pages of my discourse have gone. I think my favorite dog must have gotten some of them yesterday and eaten them. You must excuse me from the remainder of the discourse." After the service, a meek little woman from another parish introduced herself and said, "I was much interested in that dog of yours and its performance yesterday, and might I ask a question?" "Certainly, madam." "I want to know if it has any puppies, for I should like to take one home to my minister."

December 18, 2004

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor."

December 17, 2004

A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement after he gave it to the police. "For example," he said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was positive that I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left it on my nightstand in my bedroom." When the judge returned home that evening, his wife asked him, "Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn't sending three men to pick it up for you a bit extreme?" "What?" said the judge, "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?" "I gave it to the first one," said the wife, "he knew exactly where it was."

December 16, 2004

The three-time crook felt a wave of panic come over him as he surveyed the jury in the courthouse. Positive he'd never beat the murder rap, he managed to get hold of one of the kindlier-looking jurors, and bribe her with his life savings to go for a manslaughter verdict. Sure enough, at the close of the trial the jury declared him guilty of manslaughter. Tears of gratitude welling up in his eyes, the young man had a moment with the juror before being led off to prison. "Thank you, thank you! How'd you do it?" "It wasn't easy," she admitted. "They all wanted to acquit you."

December 15, 2004

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office." The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

December 14, 2004

One day in Contract Law class, a Professor asked one of his better students, "Now, if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" the Professor instructed. The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"

December 13, 2004

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick." "Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?" "Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

December 12, 2004

A pretty young woman, visiting her new doctor for the first time, found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in. Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation. "Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."

December 11, 2004

A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon, the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who forbids her to see the crab. "It'll never work," he says to her. "Crabs walk sideways and we walk straight!" "Please," she begs. "Just meet him once. I know you'll like him." Her father finally agrees, and she runs off to share the good news. The crab is so excited he decides ro surprise his beloved's family. He practices and practices until he can finally walk straight. On the big day, he walks the entire way to the lobster's house as straight as he can. Standing on the porch, the lobster dad yells to his daughter, "I knew it! Here comes that crab and he's drunk!"

December 10, 2004

A guy responds to a job position at the city zoo. The ad mentioned the salary but not what he would be doing. Come to find out that the zoo's gorilla had unexpectedly passed away. The zoo had just spent millions on promotions which focused on the gorilla and now they needed a gorilla. The guy really needed the job and the money was good so he accepted. Everyday he would put on the gorilla suit, hang out in his cage and be the gorilla. After a while he started enjoying himself. He would scare little kids, roar at the cowds, and eat bananas and stuff. You know, gorilla things. As time wore on he became the main attraction at the zoo. He would swing on his trees and vines, and the people loved him.One particularly busy Saturday he was swinging around and accidentally swings over his fence and lands in the lions cage. The lion slowly opens his eyes and sees the gorilla. The lion begins to stalk. The lion, now drooling and wide awake, slowly approaches the gorilla who is backed up against the fence. The lion is ready to jump, then the gorilla started yelling, "Help! Help! I'm not a gorilla. I'm a man! Help, Help!" Then the lion said, "Shut up stupid, or we'll both get fired!"

December 8, 2004

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. Bubba,said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

December 7, 2004

In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern....It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor. The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

December 6, 2004

Two horses were walking back to the paddock after a day's training. One says to the other, "I can't understand why we are so slow, we come from good stock, we have the best of food, great trainers, and yet we come last in every race." There was a dog running along side them who overheard and said, "I know what your problem is. I have seen you race and it looks to me as if you race off at the start really fast and use up all your energy and then you have nothing left. What you should do is pace yourselves and when all the other horses are exhausted, put in a spurt and you're sure to win. What do you think of that?" The horses looked at one another and said, "WOW, a talking dog!"

December 5, 2004

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

December 4, 2004

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great, he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

December 3, 2004

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us." "Great. Where do you live?" "Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in." "Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?" "Surely, you're not coming empty-handed!"

December 2, 2004

The marriage between the elderly farmer and his young wife was not working out too well, so the farmer consulted his doctor for advice. “The next time you’re down in the field plowing and feel a yearning for your wife.” said the doctor, “don’t wait until lunch time or the end of the day, but quit what you’re doing and go to the house.” “I tried that,” said the farmer, “but by the time I get to the house, I am so tuckered out, it’s no use.” The doctor thought for a minute. “Take your shotgun with you when you leave the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the gun and she will come down there where you are.” A few weeks later the two men met on the street. “How did it work out?” asked the doctor. “Fine, the first three days,” said the farmer, “then the hunting season opened and I haven’t seen her since.”

December 1, 2004

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her up to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions of famous authors and offered he a glass of wine. He asked her if she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,"Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it is the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sounds of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I am transported into another world. On the other hand, Port gives me gas."


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