JOKE O' THE DAY ARCHIVES
These are February Jokes O'
Next to ingratitude, the most painful thing to bear is gratitude...
February 29, 2004After
getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he
is greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!"
Washington said, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You
wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on
the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal
government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.
Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people who have
the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson
picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged. As Osama awaits
his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was
promised!" An angel replies, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you.
What did you think I said?"
February 28, 2004Feeling
edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang.
The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.
A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the
door, the man returned to the bath. The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers
and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a
wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.
Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every
move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor. After examining him, the doctor said,
"You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax. Why don't
you go home and take a long hot bath?"
February 27, 2004A little
boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two
steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side).
While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly. So it
went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine,
the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The
little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was
near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child
sniffed and said, "I was just being the Ring Bear!"
February 26, 2004An
elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got
pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were
speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!" The patrolman says, "May I see your
license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old
man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and
went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her
husband and asked, "What did he say?" And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"
February 24, 2004A Mexican
bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks
in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas
Ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his
favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head,
and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately,
a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified
bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the
cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you
turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
February 23, 2004A businessman
enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After
he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to
prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his
shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender
says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why
you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies,
"I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to
February 22, 2004An
enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever
since by veteran Allied pilots. The German "airfield," constructed with meticulous care,
was made almost entirely of wood. There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements,
trucks, and aircraft. The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that Allied
photo experts had more than enough time to observe and report it. The day finally came
when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. Early the following morning,
a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a
large wooden bomb.
February 21, 2004A gorilla
was walking through a jungle when he came across a deer eating grasses in a clearing.
The gorilla roared, "Who's the king of the jungle?", and the deer replied, "Oh, you are,
Master." The gorilla walked off pleased. Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water
hole. Again, he roared, "Who's the king of the jungle?" Of course, the zebra replied,
"You are, master." The gorilla walked off pleased. Then he came across an elephant.
"Who's the king of the jungle?" he roared again at the elephant. With that the elephant
threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on him. The gorilla scraped himself up off the
ground and said, "Ok, ok, there's no need to get mad just because you don't know the answer!"
February 19, 2004A rather
attractive woman goes up to the cash register in a restaurant. She gestures alluringly
to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals
that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently
caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red. "Are you the owner?" she asks,
now softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replies. I'm just the
manager." "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands
up beyond his ears and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the manager,
"he's in the back doing some work right now. Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is.
I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers
into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him," she says, "that there
is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room!"
February 17, 2004Morris,
the loudmouth mechanic, was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car
when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing
off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his
Mercedes. Morris shouts across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is that you? "Come on
over here a minute!" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where
Morris the mechanic was working on the car. Morris straightened up, wiped his hands
on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this here work.
I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish
this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and
me is doing basically the same work?" Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris
the loudmouth mechanic..."Now try doing it with the engine running!"
February 16, 2004The pirate Red Beard was being
interviewed by a newspaper reporter who was looking for juicy stories of excitement
and derring-do. He told Red, "I'm sure my readers would love to hear the tale behind
your pegleg." "Well, I was thrown from the ship during gale force winds, and before me
mate could throw me a line, a shark bit me leg clean off!" The interviewer was sort of
disappointed. "What about the hook at the end of your right arm?" "I lost it in a sword
fight with the Captain of the Guard!" Again the reporter was disappointed. "Certainly
there's an exciting story about the patch on your eye?" "One day, I was out on deck,
and a bird flew over and pooped in me eye!" The reporter was amazed. "That's why you
wear a patch?" "Well, I'd only had me hook a couple of days!"
By nature, men love newfangledness...
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject...
No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car...
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water...
The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow...
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows...
It is salutary to train oneself to be no more affected by censure than by praise...
How much pain have cost us the evils which have never happened...
Some people think they are in the groove when they are really in a rut...
Eating too much cantaloupe can cause melancholic...
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it...
Curiosity is one of the permanent and certain characteristics of a vigorous mind...
He who can compose himself is wiser than he who composes books...
A good scare is often worth more than good advice...
The reward of a thing well done, is to have done it...
We need some clouds in our life to make a beautiful sunset...
You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try...
When your reputation breaks down, there is no place to go for spare parts...
The bank of friendship cannot exist without deposits...
We tire of those pleasures we take, but never those that we give...
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything...
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back...
We don't see things as they are, but as we are...
A great man is he who has not lost the heart of a child...
They are able who think they are able...
February 15, 2004A baby
turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to
climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end.
He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing
at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the
bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb. About an hour later, he again
reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself
off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of
the tree, sighed and started climbing. Watching these proceedings from the end of the
branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't you think
it's time we told him he was adopted?"
February 14, 2004A football
coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player
and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need
you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right,
you can play." The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked,
"Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!" the coach
exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer. Suddenly, all the other players
on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
February 13, 2004At
the first hole on a golf course, a man tees off and hits a hard drive, but the ball
hooks badly and goes off the course entirely. The man figures it's a lost ball, puts
another ball down and starts again. He plays nine holes when a policeman comes up to
him. "Sir, did you lose a ball a while back?" "Yes, I did. Why?" "Well, sir, I'm afraid
I've got some bad news for you. You see, your ball struck a cyclist, causing him to
swerve right into the path of an oncoming bus. The bus hit the cyclist and then rammed
head-on into a truck coming from the opposite direction. At the moment the casualties
are twenty-one dead and we don't know how many injured." The man says, "Oh, this is
dreadful!.... I ... I had no idea.... is there anything I can do?" "Well, sir, the next
time you want to hold the club a little more to the right, like this..."
February 12, 2004One
day, two old men were walking down the road. They heard several very
faint cries from the weeds on the side of the road. They walk over to see
what it is. One of them bends down and picks up a frog. The frog says, "Oh,
thank goodness, someone finally rescued me. I am a beautiful princess, and
if you kiss me I will turn back into a princess, and I will do anything your
heart desires." The two old men look at each other, and the one with the frog
puts it in his pocket and starts walking down the road again. The other guy
says, "Hey, aren't you going to kiss the frog?" And the other old man says,
"No, at my age I would rather have a talking frog."
February 11, 2004It
was a sunny Saturday morning on the golf course, and Murray was beginning
his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over
the clubhouse loudspeaker, "Would the gentleman on the ladies tee back up to
the men's tee, please!" Murray was still deep in his routine, seemingly
impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on
the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee!" Murray had had enough.
He breaks his stance, lowers his driver back to the ground and shouts,
"Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my
February 10, 2004
couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After two
weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they
received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process
took some time. The silver went into the closet, items were put on the
walls for display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the
bedroom drawers. A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a
popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited
and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope,
however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line. "Guess who
sent them." The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed
in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their
return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown
host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the
bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in
the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: "Now you know!"
February 9, 2004
Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test results. The lab tech
says to her, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a
problem. When we sent the samples from your husband to the lab, the samples from another
Mr. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's results.
Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!" "What do you mean?" "Well, one Mr. Smith has
tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your
husband." "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" "Normally, yes. But you have an
HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I
supposed to do now?" "The HMO recommends that you drop your husband off in the middle
of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
February 8, 2004
feller who didn't know the front end of a goat from a magnolia bush was watching his
weekend host's daughter milking her cow when a farm hand hollered, "Watch out, here
comes the bull!" The city feller vaulted a fence for safety, but noted to his surprise
that the girl never budged from her stool. Furthermore, the bull stopped abruptly,
snorted almost apologetically and meekly retreated to his enclosure. "Weren't you
petrified?" demanded the guest. "Not me," said the milkmaid, "but I reckon the bull
was. This here cow's his mother-in-law."
February 7, 2004
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the
State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there
airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs
ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." This year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair
and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may
never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten
dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll
make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire
ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls
and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get
you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when
Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
February 6, 2004
was a truck driver, but his lifelong dream was to fly. When he graduated from high
school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight
disqualified him. So when he finally left the service, he had to satisfy himself with
watching others fly fighter jets that crisscrossed the skies over his backyard. As he sat
there in his lawn chair, he dreamed about the magic of flying. Then one day, Larry had an
idea. He went down to the local Army-Navy surplus store and bought forty-five weather
balloons, and several tanks of helium. These were not your brightly colored party balloons,
these were heavy-duty spheres measuring more than four feet across when fully inflated.
Back in his yard, Larry used straps to attach the balloons to his lawn chair, the kind you
might have in your back yard. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep, and and
inflated the balloons with helium. Then he packed a few sandwiches and drinks, and a
loaded BB gun, figuring he could pop a few balloons when it was time to return to earth.
His preparations complete, Larry sat in his chair and cut the anchoring cord. His plan was
to lazily float into the sky, and eventually back to terra firma. But things didn't quite
work out that way. When Larry cut the cord, he didn't float lazily up; he shot up as if
fired from a cannon! Nor did he go up a couple hundred feet. He climbed and climbed until
he finally leveled off at eleven thousand feet! At that height, he could hardly risk
deflating any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really experience flying.
So he stayed up there, sailing around for fourteen hours, totally at a loss about how to
get down. Eventually, Larry drifted into the approach corridor for Los Angeles International
Airport. A Pan Am pilot radioed the tower about passing a guy in a lawn chair at eleven
thousand feet, with a gun in his lap... now there's a conversation I would have given
anything to have heard! LAX is right on the ocean, and you may know that at nightfall,
the winds on the coast begin to change. So, as dusk fell, Larry began drifting out to sea.
At that point, the Navy dispatched a helicopter to rescue him, but the rescue team had a
hard time getting to him because the draft from their propeller kept pushing his home made
contraption farther and farther away. Eventually, they were able to hover above him and
drop a rescue line, with which they gradually hauled him back to safety. As soon as Larry
hit the ground, he was arrested. But as he was led away in handcuffs, a television reporter
called out, "Sir, why'd you do it?" Larry stopped, eyed the man, then replied nonchalantly,
"A man can't just sit around!"
February 5, 2004
Johnny had a knack for catching fish. Every weekend Little Johnny went fishing and
returned with dozens of fish. No one knew how he did it. When other fisherman were unable
to land more than three or four, Little Johnny always came back with stringer after stringer
of freshly caught fish. Curious, the fish and game warden decided to investigate. He followed
Little Johnny out to the lake, and when he launched his boat at the dock, the warden asked
if he could ride along and observe. "Sure," said Little Johnny. "Hop in." Little Johnny
started up his outboard motor. When they arrived at an obscure reach of the lake, Little
Johnny stopped the boat. The warden sat back and watched. Reaching into a box, Little Johnny
pulled out a stick of dynamite, lit it and tossed it into the water. After the explosion
dead fish soon started rising to the surface. Little Johnny took out a net and started
scooping them up. "Wait a minute!" said the warden. "What do you think you're doing? You
can't do that! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You'll be paying every fine in the book!
You'll never fish again!" Little Johnny calmly put down his net, picked up a second stick
of dynamite, lit it and tossed it in the warden's lap. "So are you gonna sit there
criticizing me all day," he asked the panicked warden, "or are you gonna fish?"
February 4, 2004
University of Tennessee football players were taking an important final exam. If they
failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl
the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald
had a _________." Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to
get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he
tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned
to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm." "Oh yeah,"
said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the
answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered,
"Tiny, how do you spell farm?" "You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is
February 3, 2004
upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what
he did. For years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas
or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However,
there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange
ritual. He would lock himself in his quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an
envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then
lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on,
and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost
love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope. One day the captain
died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew
into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and - the
first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper;
two lines with two words each: Port Left - Starboard Right.
February 2, 2004
was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the
pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor
said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked
the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you
signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead."
The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar in a
jar on my desk, but for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."
February 1, 2004
walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a
week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it
doesn't work, let me know." A week later the guy is back. "Doc, still no movement!"
The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful
laxative. Still another week later the poor guy is back. "Doc, STILL nothing!" The
doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure
out what's going on. What do you do for a living?" "I'm a musician." The doctor looks up
and says "Well, that's it! Here's $10. Go get something to eat!"
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