JOKE O' THE DAY ARCHIVES
These are February Jokes O' The Day

Previous Daily Quotes:

A good education is the next best thing to a pushy mother...
Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed...
What you don't know would make a great book...
Proverbs are short sayings drawn from long experience...
You know you're getting old when they give you a senior discount without asking...
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead...
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows...
The trouble with the younger generation is that most of us aren't in it...
Don't save so much for rainy days that you can't enjoy the sunny ones...
Don't pray for rain unless you're willing to put up with the mud...
To stay young, associate with youth; to grow old, try to keep up with them...
Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one...
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday...
Everyone wants progress, but few want the change that progress requires...
If you get something for a song, watch out for the accompaniment...
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names...
An unusual amount of common sense is sometimes called wisdom...
Learn to laugh at yourself; you'll always have something to make you happy...
Modesty: hoping others will find out by themselves how great you are...
Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest...
Service is not spelled "serve us"...
In a crisis, rise to the occasion but don't hit the ceiling...
Being told something for your own good seldom does you any...

February 28, 2005

Windsor castle, outside of London, is directly in the flight path of Heathrow International Airport. While a group of tourists was standing outside the castle admiring the elegant structure, a plane flew overhead at a relatively low altitude making a tremendous amount of noise. One particularly annoyed tourist whined, "Why did they build the castle so close to the airport?"

February 27, 2005

An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a checkup. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me." "Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "do you drink much?" "Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop." "How about smoking?" asked the doctor. "Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it." "Well," asked the doctor, "do you have much sex life?" "Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night - always have been." The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?" "Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head." "Okay," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!"

February 26, 2005

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin; however, the only place suitable to graft skin from was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty. She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!" He replied, "Oh, don't worry, Honey, I get plenty of thanks every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek."

February 25, 2005

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Arnold was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold ten percent of Arnold's wages to pay for the repairs. "How much will it cost?" asked Arnold. "About $4,500," said the owner. "What a relief!" exclaimed Arnold. "I've finally got job security!"

February 24, 2005

A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, "Mount Sinai Hospital? Hello, Darling. I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse. I want all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z." The voice on the other line said, "Would you hold the line please, that's a very unusual request." Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?" She said, "Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel in Room 302." He said, "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Farber, Feinberg -- Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock." The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news." The guy on the other end says, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family." She said, "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor don't tell me nothing."

February 23, 2005

Two dim-witted golfers are teeing off on a foggy par 3. They can see the flag, but not the green. The first golfer hits his ball into the fog and the second golfer does the same. They proceed to the green to find their balls. One ball is about 6 feet from the cup while the other found its way into the cup for a hole-in-one. Both were playing the same type of balls, Top-Flite 2, so they couldn't determine which ball was which. They decide to ask the course pro to decide their fate. After congratulating both golfers on their fine shots, the golf pro asks, "Which one of you is playing the orange ball?"

February 21, 2005

A photographer from a well-known national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze. When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs." The pilot was silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

February 20, 2005

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So, they went to the nearest church; however, only the janitor was there. One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" "Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play." When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Babtis because they dunk all of you in it. We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you." The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?" "Yeah! What do you think that means?" "I think it means that we're 'Pisscopalians.'"

February 19, 2005

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. After finishing the first drink he looks in his breast pocket and orders another. He continues this behavior drink after drink, each time looking in his breast pocket before ordering another. Finally, curiosity overcome the bartender and he asks the man why he keeps doing that. The man replies, "It's quite simple, you see I keep a picture of my wife in this pocket and I'm not going home till she looks good!"

February 18, 2005

There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art - the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?" To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself, 'Thank God I'm not a proctologist.'"

February 17, 2005

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter, Melody. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Melody a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Melody is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, honey?" Melody says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

February 16, 2005

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Brian told his best friend Mike. "Why not add some intrigue to your life, and have an affair?" his friend suggested. "But what if my wife finds out?" "Heck, we are at the beginning of the 21st century, Brian. Go ahead and tell her about it!" So Brian went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together." "Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that many times - it never worked."

February 15, 2005

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!" The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

February 11, 2005

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply. The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that?" "Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

February 10, 2005

A group of doctors go duck hunting for the first time. The family practitioner looks thru the sight, aims, and says, "Well, I think there is something out there, but I better get another opinion." The internist takes the rifle, looks, and says, "I see something that is flying, but I'm not sure what it is. I better make a referral." The neurologist takes the rifle, looks, and says, "Hmmmm, it may be ducks, but to be sure, I better get some tests." The psychiatrist then looks thru the rifle and says, "Vell, zay look like ducks, zay act like ducks, but I don't know if zay zink zay are ducks. I zink I better get a consult." The surgeon picks up the rifle, points and fires all over the sky. "Blam, blam, blam, blam, blam!" All sorts of things fall from the sky and land at his feet. The surgeon points to them and says to the pathologist, "Make sure they're ducks!"

February 9, 2005

Once upon a time, there was Larry the Lobster and Sam the Clam. They were the best of friends. One day, they were both killed. Larry the Lobster went to Heaven and Sam the Clam went to Hell. Larry the Lobster missed Sam the Clam so much, he asked God if he could go to Hell to visit Sam. God agreed, but he told Larry not to forget his harp. Larry the Lobster agreed and down to Hell he went. When he found Sam the Clam, he had his own Disco in hell. Larry the Lobster had such a great time with Sam the Clam, that he lost all track of time. Larry heard the voice of God saying, "Larry, you must come back to Heaven." Larry ran as fast as he could back to Heaven. When God saw Larry, he said, "Where is your Harp?" Larry replied, "I left my Harp in Sam Clam's Disco."

February 7, 2005

Two guys in a car drive right through a red light. "Man, you just ran that red light!" exclaimed the passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," said the driver. They continue driving through town and then proceed to drive through another stop light. "You just ran another stop light! You're going to get us killed!" screamed the nervous passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," repeated the driver. Moments later, they approached a green light and they came to a halting stop. "Why are you stopping?" asked the anxious passenger. The driver turned and said, "Because my brother might be coming!"

February 6, 2005

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me", said a customer who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" "Ach, it were nothin," said McQuillan, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

February 5, 2005

A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R." The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?" Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R." Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?" Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E." "Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?" Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."

February 4, 2005

A young lady who had returned from a tour through Italy with her father informed a friend that he liked all the Italian cities, but most of all he loved Venice. "Ah, Venice, to be sure!" said the friend. "I can readily understand that your father would like Venice with its gondolas, and St. Markses and Michelangelos." "Oh, no," the young lady interrupted, "it wasn't that. He liked it because he could sit in the hotel and fish from the window."

February 3, 2005

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home," he said. "I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck." "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

February 2, 2005

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the duck's former owner, "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

February 1, 2005

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, He saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit! He asked how much He owed but Finkelstein brushed him off. "No,no,no, for the son of God? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor." Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of His Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses. A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted Him he said, "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?" "Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is." "Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman." The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop..........LORD & TAILOR.


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