JOKE O' THE DAY ARCHIVES
These are January Jokes O' The Day

Previous Daily Quotes:

Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard are sweeter...
One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other...
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of...
Those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly...
Pay less attention to what men say. Just watch what they do...
You have to be efficient if you're going to be lazy...
Sorrow is tranquility remembered in emotion...
A good education is the next best thing to a pushy mother...
In America there are two classes of travel; first class, and with children...
Freedom is the right to tell people what they do not want to hear...
A good way to forget your troubles is to help others out of theirs...
God heals, and the doctor takes the fee...
It is better to be defeated on principle than to win on lies...
When all men think alike, no one thinks very much...
A happy heart comes first, then the happy face...
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man...
Divorce is a game played by lawyers...
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone...
The conventional view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking...
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies...
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons...
Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it...
The faintest ink is more powerful than the strongest memory...
It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake...
Curiosity is one of the permanent and certain characteristics of a vigorous mind...
Start off everyday with a smile and get it over with...
An aspiration is a joy forever, a possession as solid as a landed estate...
Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life...
Every man desires to live long; but no man would be old...
Pleasure's a sin, and sometimes sin's a pleasure...

January 31, 2004

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?" After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up. "Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked. The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

January 30, 2004

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight - the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

January 29, 2004

Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

January 28, 2004

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost." God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this, let's say we have a man making contest." To which the scientist replied, "OK, great!" But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"

January 27, 2004

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?" The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal." The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start." The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss." The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"

January 26, 2004

A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the pastor to the health department. The health department said since there was no immediate health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The manager at the sanitation department said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor. Now the pastor knew the mayor and was not too eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the Pastor called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?" The pastor paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

January 25, 2004

A policeman is on the scene at a terrible accident - body parts are everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook, "Head on bullevard," then scratchs out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard." Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."

January 24, 2004

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle!"

January 23, 2004

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two gasmen running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

January 22, 2004

Jack, a war movie buff, was sitting with his six-year-old daughter in front of the TV watching actual World War II footage of the unconditional surrender that ended the war with Japan. As General Douglas MacArthur and General Umeza stood on the deck of the USS Missouri and signed documents - under the watchful gaze of Allied troops - the daughter was confused. "What's wrong," asked Jack. Pointing to the set, she said, "Which one is John Wayne?"

January 21, 2004

This puny guy applies for a job as a lumberjack. "Sorry," says the head lumberjack, eying the man up and down, "you're just too small." "Give me a chance to show you what I can do," the guy pleads. "You won't regret it." "Okay," says the boss. "See that giant oak over there? Let's see you chop it down." Half an hour later, the mighty oak is felled, amazing the boss. "Where'd you learn to cut trees like that?" he asks. "The Sahara Forest." "You mean the Sahara Desert?" "Sure, if that's what they call it now!"

January 19, 2004

The president of the university had an assembly for the new students. "Welcome to Johns Hopkins," he began, "and please note that it's Johns, not John." Then he told how one of his predecessors, Milton Eisenhower, had been invited to talk at the University of Pittsburgh. After he was introduced as the president of "John Hopkins," Eisenhower said, "Thank you. It's great to be in Pittburgh."

January 18, 2004

Rich Texans are fabled for their grand style but when one oil tycoon appeared at a local golf course followed by a servant pulling a foam-cushioned chaise-lounge, his opponents thought that was taking style too far. "J.R., are you going to make that poor caddie lug that couch all over the course after you?" he was asked. "Caddie, my eye," explained J.R. "That's my psychiatrist."

January 17, 2004

Matilda and Rosie were chatting one day. Matilda had recently moved to a retirement home. Rosie asked, “Matilda, how do like your new home?” “Oh, I love it,” answered Matilda. “There’s so much to do, and no burdens of cooking or cleaning.” “I’m not sure I’d like it,” Rosie said. “I understand there are hardly any men at these places.” “Oh, indeed there are,” said Matilda. “There’s Will Power, and Charlie Horse, and (whispering) you can even go to bed with Arthur Itis. And, if you don’t like them, there’s Ben Gay.”

January 16, 2004

His residency complete, Dennis thought about setting up practice in Great Falls, Montana. He liked the town but suggested his wife visit as well. Barely there a day, she came home and announced, "Let's move." Surprised at her snap judgement, he asked, "Did you look at some homes, or even go downtown?" "Nope," she replied. "What makes you so certain?" Dennis prodded. "I pulled over to the side of the road outside of town and popped my hood," she explained. "Within a half-hour a dozen people stopped to help."

January 15, 2004

Lou sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." Intrigued, he rings the bell and the owner shows him the dog. "What's your story," Lou Asks. The dog says, "I discovered I had this gift when I was just a pup. The CIA signed me up, and soon I was jetting around the world, sitting at the feet of spies and world leaders, gathering important information and sending it back home. When I tired of that lifestyle, I joined the FBI, where I helped catch drug lords and gunrunners. I was wounded in the line of duty, received some medals, and now a movie is being made of my life." "How much do you want for the dog?" Lou askes the owner. "Ten dollars," says the owner. Lou is incredulous. "Why on earth wopuld you sell that remarkable dog for so little?" "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

January 14, 2004

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

January 13, 2004

Two golfers were discussing a bill that Harry, the hospital administrator, had sent to Bill, a recent father. "Harry, this is too much for the use of the delivery room. You know I didn't get my wife there in time and the baby was born on the hospital's front lawn." Harry took the bill, crossed out the offending entry and substituted another, "Greens Fee," it read.

January 12, 2004

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The woman asks, "Why?" "Because," the man replies, "every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

January 11, 2004

A farmer rushed to his phone one day to report that his nearest neighbor's house was on fire. He promptly called 911 to report the fire. In the calmest voice he could muster, he reported the fire was at his neighbor's house two miles down the road. The dispatcher asked, "How do we get there?" The farmer hesitated a few seconds then asked, "Don't you guys, have those big red trucks anymore?"

January 10, 2004

Some small-time crooks decided that people were so stupid that they would accept 18 dollar bills if somebody gave them any. So they carefully made some plates, printed some up and went to a small town to try them out. They got up to a shopkeeper and talked for awhile, then casually said, "Say, can you give me change for an 18 dollar bill?" "Sure," said the old shopkeeper, "what would you like, three 6's or two 9's?"

January 9, 2004

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation. "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

January 8, 2004

There was a world famous painter. In the prime of her career she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art - the doctor's office. During the press conference one reporter noticed the eye on the wall and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?" The eye doctor responded, "I said to myself, 'Thank God I'm not a proctologist.'"

January 7, 2004

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey, look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

January 6, 2004

Fred applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job. Two hours later, Schneider came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?" "Easy," Schneider replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."

January 5, 2004

A modern-day Rip Van Winkle slept for 20 years. Upon awaking he immediately called his broker. "What's the stock market done the past 20 years?" he inquired. With the aid of a computer, his broker soon was able to report that his shares of AT&T were now worth $9.5 million, his shares of General Motors worth $7.9 million, and his oil holdings had increased to $19 million. "Great!" Rip exclaimed. "I'm rich!" At which point the telephone operator interrupted and said, "Your three minutes are up, sir. Would you please deposit a million dollars?"

January 4, 2004

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed, "what's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor."

January 3, 2004

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do? The Departmental Manager said, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way." The Hardware Engineer countered, "No, that will take far too long and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it and we can be on our way." The Software Engineer interjected, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

January 2, 2004

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. At 3 PM a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

January 1, 2004

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer!"


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