JOKE O' THE DAY ARCHIVES
These are January Jokes O' The Day

Previous Daily Quotes:

The real character of a man can be measured by what he does when no one's looking...
It is better to bite your tongue than to let it bite someone else...
A pessimist is someonewho complains about the noise when opportunity knocks...
Enthusiasm is contagious, and so is the lack of it...
You don't get harmony when everyone sings the same note...
One way to be happy ever after is not to be after too much...
The best time to do something is between yesterday and tomorrow...
To get the full value of joy, you must have someone to divide it with...
To understand a man, you must understand his memories...
Don't let your mind become so busy that your heart can't respond...
When you are good to others, you are best to yourself...
Let each day be your masterpiece - even silence has a melody of its own...
Before you know what direction to take, you've got to know where you are...
Problems are only opportunities in work clothes...
If your train of thought isn't getting you anywhere, you're probably on the wrong track...
A lovely thought, deeply rooted, never ceases to bloom...
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing...
The conventional view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking...
It's all right to hold a conversation, but let go of it now and then...
Curiosity is one of the permanent and certain characteristics of a vigorous mind...
The faintest ink is more powerful than the strongest memory...
Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others...
A man may die, nations may rise and fall, but an idea lives on...
Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to teach children...

January 31, 2005

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?" After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up. "Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked. The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

January 30, 2005

After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school. "Well," he said, "it's three weeks long." "What else," I asked. "The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said. "The second week, they separate the men from the fools." "And the third week?" I asked. "The third week, the fools jump."

January 26, 2005

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Harper, are you an 'honest' lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

January 25, 2005

Once upon a time, there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse prevented the prince from speaking or writing but for only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words. One day, he met a beautiful princess and fell madly in love with her. With the greatest difficulty, he refrained from speaking for 2 whole years so that he could look at her and say, "My darling." But at the end of these 2 years, he wished to tell her that he loved her. So he waited 3 more years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent years to 5. At the end of these 5 years, he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited another 4 years without speaking. Finally, as the 9th year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden, the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?" And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind her dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"

January 24, 2005

A man returns from Africa and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone at his bedside rings. "This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely deadly virus, which is very contagious." "Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?" "Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." "Will that cure me?" asked the patient. The doctor replied, "Well no, but...it's the only food we can get under the door."

January 23, 2005

Joe and Obie went hunting every year on opening day of duck season. This year, they decided to borrow a neighbor's retriever, a dog named Buck, so they wouldn't have to wade out after any birds that fell into the lake when they shot them. They had good luck that day and bagged several plump ducks. Whenever a duck fell into the water, either Joe or Obie would send Buck out after it. And each time the dog went after a downed duck, he would pause momentarily at the water's edge. Then Buck would trot calmly across the surface of the lake to retrieve the bird. This unusual performance always caused Joe and Obie to glance wide-eyed at each other and shake their heads in wonder. At the end of the day, Joe and Obie drove back by way of the neighbor's home to return Buck and thank the retriever's owner for the loan. "Did the dog do a good job?" asked its owner. "Yes," said Joe, "he brought in all the ducks that fell into the lake." "Great," said the dog's owner, "but did you notice anything special about Buck?" "Well, we didn't want to mention it," said Obie, "but we saw that you taught him just about everything a dog needs to know about duck hunting, excepting how to swim."

January 21, 2005

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

January 19, 2005

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down the bottom of the canyon by pack mule." "We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. One more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot him." "I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once.'"

January 18, 2005

A man's wife asked him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walked down to the store only to find it closed. With that option out, he ventured into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. But, at the bar he saw a beautiful woman and started talking to her. They had a couple of beers and one thing led to another and they ended up in her apartment. After they had their fun, he realized it was 3 a.m. and said, "Oh no, it's so late, my wife's going to kill me. Do you have any talcum powder?" The woman found him some, which he proceeded to rub on his hands. Then he went home. His wife was waiting for him in the doorway, and she was quite upset. "Where the hell have you been?" The man took a deep breath. "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" He looked down, and held them out. His wife took one look, and exploded into tears, "You damn liar! You went bowling again!"

January 17, 2005

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?" "Why do you want me to throw them at you?" "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them." "Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy." "But why?" "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to get the orange roughy."

January 16, 2005

There was a blond, brunette, and a redhead who had just robbed a store. The cops spotted them, so they started to run. They saw a barn and ran into it. Once inside, they found three potato bags that they hid in. The cops saw them enter the barn and went in to find the three robbers. The cops saw the three sacks moving so they went to investigate. A cop kicked the first bag, which was the brunette's. She said, "Woof, woof." They thought it was just some little puppies. He went over to the redhead's bag and kicked it. She said, "Meow, meow." They thought it was just some kittens. Then the cops went to the last bag which was the blonde's. They kicked it and she said, "Potato, potato."

January 15, 2005

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well preserved he appeared. "I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge." "Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk." he explained. "Gentlemen," he said, "I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

January 14, 2005

A blonde calls up her friend and asks him if he can come over and help her with this awesome puzzle she just got. Well, the friend figured, "Hey, I'm pretty good at puzzles, so what have I got to lose?" The friend goes over to the blonde's house and tells her to show him the puzzle. The blonde takes her friend into the kitchen and he asks the blonde what the puzzle was supposed to be a picture of. The blonde replied, "A tiger". The friend looks at the box the blonde showed her and said, "Well, two things: #1, this puzzle will NEVER look like a tiger, and #2, put all of the Frosted Flakes back in the box!"

January 13, 2005

At the crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of there bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!" The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?" The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but, my God, man, your plane only went down yesterday!"

January 12, 2005

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help. On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good, either. On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stands in the draft. "But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia." "I know," said his physician, "I can cure pneumonia."

January 10, 2005

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the IRS about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?" "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife." "Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver."

January 9, 2005

The school bell rang just as little Johnny started eating a popsicle, and since he didn't want to waste it, he stuck it in his pants pocket. In the classroom the teacher asked little Vicky what they called people who lived at the North Pole. She said, "Eskimos." Then teacher asked little Teresa what they called people who live in Mexico. She said, "Mexicans." The teacher asked Johnny what they called people who live in Europe, and Johnny said, "I don't know." Then super-smart little Mary behind Frankie said, "European." Little Johnny's face turned read and he screamed , "I AM NOT! My Popsicle is melting!"

January 8, 2005

A young couple got married and went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they arrived home from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. "Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language...Stuff I'd never heard before...Really terrible 4-letter words...You've got to come get me and take me home. PLEASE MOTHER!" And the new bride began to sob over the telephone. "But honey," the mother countered, "What 4-letter words?" "I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!" "Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell mother the 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother, he is using words like, DUST...WASH...IRON...COOK!"

January 7, 2005

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three?" asked the teacher. "Four," answers little Johnny. She asks, "What comes after six?" "Seven," he replies. "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?" Little Johnny smiles and says, "A Jack."

January 6, 2005

A guy walks into a bar and sees an older couple who looks very happy. He asks the bartender why they are so happy, and he says he doesn't know. The bartender asked the couple if they want anything to drink and they said yes. Then the bartender asks, "Why are you guys so happy?" The older couple says, "We just finished a puzzle. It took us 3 years!" "3 years!" the bartender exclaimed. "It doesn't take that long to do a puzzle." "Oh yes it does," said the couple. "It said so right on the box - 2 to 3 years."

January 5, 2005

One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful. "I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey." "That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws." "I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you." "Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all...hawk, lion and stinker.

January 4, 2005

Two very old English gentlemen were sitting at their club having tea and smoking their pipes, talking about their days in "Injah." Harry had been writing his memoirs and said to Cedric, "I say, old chap, do you spell it - 'whoomb'?" "No, no Cedric", said Harry, "you spell it 'woomoph'." Harry replied, "Can't possibly - how about 'whoumumb'?" Just about then, a waitress comes by and says, "Excuse me gentlemen, I couldn't help overhearing your conversation and the correct spelling is 'womb'." Harry turned to Cedric and said, "Rubbish, how could she possibly know the sound of an elephant fart?"

January 3, 2005

In a traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time. A wild gleam came into the judge's eye. "You're a schoolteacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a school teacher in this court. Sit down at that table and write, 'I went through a red light' 500 times!"

January 2, 2005

Walter, who is quite elderly is resting peacefully on the front porch of a nursing home in the country, when he sees a cloud of dust up the road. He watches a farmer approaching with a wagon. "Good afternoon!" hollers out Walter. "Afternoon," says the farmer. "Where you headed?" asks Walter. "Town," says the farmer. "What do you have in the wagon?" Walter continued. "Manure." "Manure, eh? What do you do with it?" "I spread it over my strawberries," the farmer says matter-of-factly. "Well," says Walter, "you should come over here for lunch someday. We use whipped cream."

January 1, 2005

It was a stiflingly hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."


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