JOKE O' THE DAY ARCHIVES
These are July Jokes O' The Day

Previous Daily Quotes:

Life is a fatal complaint, and an eminently contagious one...
Nothing is so unbelievable that oratory can't make it believable...
The only one who listens to both sides of an argument is the neighbor...
At times, letting go can require more strength than holding on...
Don't confuse a food processor with a word processor and you'll never mince your words...
Why worry about tomorrow? You did that yesterday about today...
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth...
Inaction may be the highest form of action...
Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money...
Don't be so preoccupied with making a living that you forget to live...
You're never hurt by anything you never said...
A big man is one who is bigger than the mistakes he makes...
One kind word can warm three winter months...
Character is what you are; reputation is what people think you are...
Anyone who tells you money can't buy happiness never had any...
Give more than you gain and you'll have more pleasure than pain...
Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it...
The best way of avenging yourself is not to become like the wrongdoer...
The injuries we do and those we suffer are seldom weighed in the same scales...
Solitude is as needful to the imagination as society is wholesome for the character...
Next to ingratitude, the most painful thing to bear is gratitude...
Whether they yield or refuse, it delights women to have been asked...
A parrot talks much but flies little...
Those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly...
Problems are only opportunities in work clothes...
One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other...
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once...
If you find it in your heart to care for somebody else, you will have succeeded...
Feel not the pain of parting; it is they who stay behind that suffer...
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love...
What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it...

July 31, 2004

A business man was driving down a country road when he spotted a little boy who had a lemonade stand. He being hot and thirsty, he decided to stop. Once he got up to the little boy's stand, ne noticed a sign that said, "All you can drink - 25 cents." Well, he thought, it was a pretty small glass, but since it was only 25 cents for all you can drink, he decided to get some anyway. He gave the boy a quarter, and shot down the whole glass in one swallow. Slapping the small glass back onto the table, he said, "Fill 'er up!" The kid said, "Sure thing, that'll be 25 cents." The business man said, "But your sign says all you can drink for a quarter." "It is," the little boy replied, "that's all you can drink for a quarter!"

July 30, 2004

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm on the road a lot," she says, "and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me." The psychiatrist asks, "Don't you have a phone in your car?" "That was a little too expensive," the blonde answered, "so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car. The psychiatrist hesitated, "Uh ... how's that working?" The blonde says, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet." "And why do you think that is?" the psychiatrist asks. The blond replies, "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

July 29, 2004

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first. "Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?" The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful." "Marvelous," said the head of the institution. "Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists." "Absolutely," said the head. "Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution." "An interesting possibility," said the head. "And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

July 28, 2004

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked, "And where were you when I got married?"

July 27, 2004

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying, "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!" And the other person says, "So what are you up to?" What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say, "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!" At this point,I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?" Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!" Then I hear the person say nervously, "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

July 26, 2004

Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case. The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"

July 25, 2004

A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food place. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn to use our teeth.

July 24, 2004

Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital , and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly. "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God." "Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

July 23, 2004

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats, and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon." God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth." "But Lord," asked Gabriel "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?" "Not really," replied God "just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them."

July 22, 2004

A man is taking his Rottweiller out for a walk. It is a hot day and after a while he decides to go into a bar for a drink. The bartender tells him dogs are not allowed and he must tie it up outside. After a few drinks a woman walks into the bar and asks if someone has a large dog out front. He proudly states, "Yes, it is my Rottweiller, why do you ask?" She blurts out, "It's dead." Stunned the man asks, "Did you hit it with your car?" She replies, "No, my dog killed it." Knowing how powerful a dog the Rottweiller is, he poses the question to her, "Pit-bull?" "No, I have a Chihuahua," came the answer. Puzzled, he asks, "How did your Chihuahua kill my Rottweiller?!" She replies, "Well, I'm no vet, but I think she got stuck in his throat."

July 21, 2004

Fred amd Ethel got lucky when they heard the old Piedmont Hotel in Atlanta was getting a face-lift and its beautiful maple doors became available for sale as salvage items. They bought several and had them installed in their 19th-century home. Showing a friend around ther house, Fred pointed out, "You know, many of these doors are from the Piedmont Hotel." The friend raised an eyebrow, "Most people just take towels."

July 20, 2004

A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60 year old responded, "Who said he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60 year old responded again, "Who said he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he wanted to?"

July 19, 2004

Mary called Joe, a fellow teacher, for help - she needed someone who knew about animals. As a science teacher, Joe filled the bill. "Oh," she added, "bring a net." Expecting to find some kind of beast as he entered her classroom, Joe was greeted instead by the sight of excited kids watching a hummingbird fly around. Rather than use the net, Joe suggested they hang red paper by an open door. The bird would be drawn to it, Joe explained, and eventually fly out. Later Mary called back. The trick worked. "Now," she said, "we have two hummingbirds flying around the room."

July 18, 2004

Steve, a liquor salesman, encountered his friend Ed in a local bar at midday while making a sales call. He stopped to chat. "I'm surprised to see you with a drink in your hand in the middle of the day. I hope you're celebrating," said Steve. "In a way," answered Ed. "I put all my money on a sure thing at the track. It was the seventh horse in the seventh race, today is the seventh day of the seventh month as well as my son's seventh birthday, the horse's name was Septus and the odds were seven to one." "And the horse came in first!" exclaimed Steve. "No, he came in seventh!" cried Ed.

July 17, 2004

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs. "Do you realize what time it is," she said. He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house." Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?" His answer was, "A round of drinks!"

July 16, 2004

A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said with a wonderful and cheerful smile, "Good morning sir. What a wonderful morning. I'd like two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked it's runny, and the other so overcooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side, burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife, butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm." "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied, "Oh?, But that's what I got yesterday!"

July 15, 2004

Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a season when neither the Packers nor the Vikings made the post season playoffs. It seemed so unusual that the management of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams, because of their great rivalry. So, they decided on a week long ice fishing competition. The team that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins. So on a cold northern Wisconsin lake they began their contest. The first day, after 8 hours of fishing, the Vikings had caught 100 fish and the Packers had 0. At the end of the second day the Vikings had caught 200 fish and the Packers 0. That evening, the Packers coach got his team together and said, "I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place." So the next morning he dressed one of his players in purple and gold and sent him over to the Viking camp to act as a spy. At the end of the day he came back to report to the coach. The coach asked, "Well, how about it, are they cheating?" "They sure are!" the player reported, "They're cutting holes in the ice."

July 14, 2004

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother?' It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

July 13, 2004

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

July 12, 2004

Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past Ole's house and saw a sign that said "Boat For Sale." This confused Sven because he knew that Ole didn't own a boat, so he finally decided to go in and ask Ole about it. "Hey Ole," said Sven, "I noticed da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but ya don't even have boat. All ya have is your old John Deere tractor and combine." Ole replied "Yup, and they're boat for sale."

July 11, 2004

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting at this park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each other's friendship. One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, "Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't." The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do you have to know?"

July 10, 2004

A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly, he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding a frying pan in hand. "What was that for?" yelled the husband. The wife said, "Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Daisy' written on it?" The husband replies, "Don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Daisy was the name of the horse I bet on." The wife was satisfied, and appologized for bonking him. Three days later he is again sitting reading the paper when once again he is bonked on the head. The husband yelled, "What's that for this time?" "Your horse called," replied the wife.

July 9, 2004

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it, but one small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

July 8, 2004

A young student reports for a final examination that consists of only true false type statements. The student takes a seat in the hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads means true, tails means false. The young student is all done in 30 minutes while the rest of the class is sweating it out. But, suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches the student and asks what is going on. "Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," says the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."

July 7, 2004

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and appeared to be perfect Christians. Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could the new pastor see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church membership grew in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly. All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. "I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check. The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on like this, he finally concluded, "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

July 6, 2004

The first mate was found to be drunk one day and that day it happened to be the captain's turn to write in the ship's log so he wrote "The first mate was drunk today." The first mate begged and pleaded to the captain to remove that entry but the captain argued that once an entry was made in the company's log it couldn't be deleted. The first mate decided to get even. The next time when it was the first mate's turn to write in the log, he wrote "The captain was sober today."

July 5, 2004

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up, walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise." Grandpa says, "No." The little boy goes on, "Please...please make a frog noise." Grandpa says, "No, now go play." The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise." So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise." Grandpa says, "I just told your brother no and I'm telling you no." The little girl says, "Please, please, Grandpa, make a frog noise." Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?" The little girl replied, "Because Mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"

July 4, 2004

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

July 3, 2004

In the dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the resident assistant. Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought, "Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag!" It was then he realized that "those crazy guys" had removed the drainpipe beneath the sink.

July 2, 2004

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes, son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

July 1, 2004

A writer dies and reaches the Golden Gates where God gives him a choice to either go to Heaven or Hell. He finds it difficult to make up his mind so he asks God if he can have a little tour of both places. God agrees and they first go to Hell where the writer sees rows and rows of writers, chained to their desks in an overheated room, being whipped if they stopped writing for a second by merciless editors and publishers. This really frightens the writer who then proceeds to Heaven hoping it'll be better. In Heaven, too, he sees rows of writers, chained to their desks in an overheated room, being whipped mercilessly. So he turns to God and says, "But they're both the same!" To which God replies, "Oh, no. Here in Heaven your work gets published!"


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