JOKE O' THE DAY ARCHIVES
These are July Jokes O' The Day

Previous Daily Quotes:

Life is a fatal complaint, and an eminently contagious one...
Nothing is so unbelievable that oratory can't make it believable...
Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want....
The heart has its reasons which reason does not know....
Men do not desire merely to be rich, but to be richer than other men....
Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up....
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth....
Inaction may be the highest form of action....
Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life....
It is rare life that remains orderly even in private...
When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary...
Santa Claus has the right idea: Visit people once a year...
One kind word can warm three winter months...
To better the future, know the past...
The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is the extra you put in it...
You don't get harmony when everyone sings the same note...
The greater the power, the more dangerous the abuse...
If one cannot do great things, one can do small things in a great way...
Your standard of giving is more important than your standard of living...
Whether on the road or in an argument, when you see red it's time to stop...
When you can't change the direction of the wind, adjust your sails...
Perhaps the best way to live happily ever after is not to be after too much...
The happiness of your life depends on the wholesomeness of your thoughts...
Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects...
When you're right, no one remembers; when you're wrong, no one forgets...
Teamwork divides the effort and multiplies the effect...
Blessed are those who give without remembering and receive without forgetting...
Experience is the name everyone gives to his mistakes...

Today's Joke - July 31, 2005

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "I know," said Herman, "But, It's not just one car, it's hundreds of them!"

Today's Joke - July 30, 2005

There's a guy who's hiking in the woods one day when a bear chases him up a really tall tree. The bear started to climb the tree, so the guy climbed up higher. Then, the bear climbed down and went away. So the guy starts to climb down the tree. Suddenly, the bear returns, and this time he's brought an even bigger bear with him. The two bears climb up the tree, the bigger bear going higher than the first. But the guy climbed even higher still, so the bears couldn't reach him. Eventually, the bears went away. Naturally quite relieved, the guy starts down the tree again. Suddenly, the two bears return. But this time the guy knew he was in big trouble. Each bear was carrying a beaver.

Today's Joke - July 29, 2005

A little boy walked out into a field saying, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed up the ball, swung at it, and missed. The boy yelled, "Strike one!" Then he tossed the ball a second time and missed, "Strike Two!" The boy checked his bat, concentrated very hard, tossed up his ball and missed again. Then the boy said, "Boy, I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

Today's Joke - July 26, 2005

A big game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. His mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife said, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

Today's Joke - July 25, 2005

Deciding it was time for a history review, the teacher asked the class, "Who can tell me what historical figure said, 'I have not yet begun to fight'?" The little Japanese girl in the front row raised her hand and answered, "John Paul Jones." "Very good, Miako. Now, who can tell me who said, 'I regret that I have but one life to give for my country'?" Again the little Japanese girl was the only one to raise her hand, and piped up. "That was Nathan Hale." The teacher said to the class, "What's going on? So far, Miako is the only one to answer any of my questions." Suddenly a voice was heard from the back of the room, "Aw, screw the Japanese!" "Who said that?" asked the teacher sharply. Miako's hand shot up. "Lee Iacocca!" she said brightly.

Today's Joke - July 24, 2005

One day in Contract Law class, a professor asked one of his better students, "Now, if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" the professor instructed. The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."

Today's Joke - July 23, 2005

One day, two old men from the retirement home were sitting on the front porch. One man says to the other, "Ya know, Bill, if you think about it, we are not that old. I mean, my memory is still very good." As the man said this, he knocked on the wood chair beside him."Actually, sharp as ever." After a couple minutes of silence, the first man started to talk again, "So, is anyone going to get the door or do I have to do it?"

Today's Joke - July 22, 2005

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?" "That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested Judge Ito on his way to the masquerade ball." "You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat. "How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume." demanded Mike. "Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere." "That there is," replied Mike. "'TIS WISE NEVER TO BOOK A JUDGE BY HIS COVER."

Today's Joke - July 21, 2005

Dear Son, I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within twenty miles of home so we moved. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, I pulled the chain and havn't seen them since. It only rained twice this week. Three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send you - your Aunt Sue said it would be a little to heavy to send in the mail with them big heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment, up she comes. Your uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off so he drowned. We cremated him, he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they couldn't get the tailgate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. Write more later. Love, Mom

Today's Joke - July 20, 2005

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. In his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!" The voice on the other end responded, "You fool! You've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?" "No," replied the trainee. "It's the CEO of the company, you fool!" The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?" "No," replied the CEO indignantly. "Good!" replied the trainee and puts down the phone.

Today's Joke - July 18, 2005

"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English." The Judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?" The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

Today's Joke - July 17, 2005

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs. "Do you realize what time it is," she said. He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house." Immediately, her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?" His answer was, "A round of drinks!"

Today's Joke - July 16, 2005

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large." Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?" The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

Today's Joke - July 15, 2005

A high school class in Florida consisted of a particularly well-motivated group of juniors. Students felt free to ask questions on any subject that concerned them. One afternoon a girl raised her hand and asked the teacher to explain all the talk about a woman's 'biological clock.' After the teacher finished, there was a moment of silence, and then another hand shot up. "Mrs. Woodard," a student asked, "is your clock still ticking, or has the alarm gone off?"

Today's Joke - July 14, 2005

A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

Today's Joke - July 13, 2005

Fred and Joe are out hunting deer. Fred said, "Did you see that?" pointing to the sky. "No," said Joe. "Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," said Fred. "Oh," said Joe. A couple of minutes later, pointing to a far ridge, Fred said, "Did you see that?" "See what?" said Joe. "Are you blind? There was a big black bear walking on that hill, over there." "Yah, OK," said Joe with a bit of irritation in his voice. A few minutes later Fred said, "Did you see that?" this time pointing behind them. By now Joe was getting very aggrevated and said, "Yeah, I SAW IT!" And Fred said, "Then why did you step in it?"

Today's Joke - July 12, 2005

Four elderly golfers were playing one day. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained. "These fairways seem to be getting longer, too," said one of the others. "The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them, too," said the third senior. After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

Today's Joke - July 11, 2005

A couple of men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "Uh... I'd better go check." After awhile, the man returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

Today's Joke - July 10, 2005

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark." The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you." The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?" "Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

Today's Joke - July 9, 2005

Jim was in a terrible wreck. He was taken to the hospital where he remained comatose for two weeks and when he awoke he was ravenous. Finding the call button, he rang for the nurse and asked if he could have something to eat. She told him, "You have a broken jaw and it is wired shut. I can't think of anything that you could eat in that condition." "Well, could I please have a cup of coffee?" Jim asked through his clenched jaw. "We'll try," the nurse told him. "Maybe we can get a straw between your teeth." But try as they would, it just wouldn't go. Jim grumbled and moaned and swore he was going to die without coffee until the nurse finally said, "Maybe we could give it to you in an enema." She fixed up the syringe and began to administer it when suddenly Jim winced and drew up. "Is it too hot?" the nurse asked. "No, but could you please put some sugar in it?"

Today's Joke - July 8, 2005

A new young blonde bride called her mother in tears. She sobbed, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him." "Now, now," her mother comforted. "I'm sure it was all just a misunderstanding." "No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled at me about the price!" "Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" said her mom. "Turkey rolls are only a few dollars." "No, mother, it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket." "Airplane ticket? What did you need an airplane ticket for?" "Well, mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions of the package and it said, 'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"

Today's Joke - July 7, 2005

In the dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the resident assistant. Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought, "Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag!" It was then he realized that "those crazy guys" had removed the drainpipe beneath the sink.

Today's Joke - July 6, 2005

A lonely girl who was very forward worked in a bookstore where one of the men that provided service for the store was kind of cute. During each service call she made every effort to make sure she told him she was divorced and available. One day she came out and ask him, "Are you married?" He answered her and said, "Well actually, I'm involved with someone." "Oh," she said disappointed. "Seems like the good ones always are." "Well", he said, "Actually I'm involved with a married woman." "Oh really!" she said with a renewed interest. "Yeah," he says, "but unfortunately she's my wife."

Today's Joke - July 5, 2005

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly! between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya little bastard! Spit it out!"

Today's Joke - July 4, 2005

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher headed out early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw the backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch. The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style. As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say, "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."

Today's Joke - July 3, 2005

A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer's yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt on his land. The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me? The hunter said, "Sure" and headed for the car. Walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer said it was OK, he said, "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson." With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. He exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!" A second shot rang out from the passenger side and one of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got the cow!!!"

Today's Joke - July 2, 2005

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?" "Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him". He picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes. "Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down." "Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man. "No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

Today's Joke - July 1, 2005

One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people. The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he was being paged by "Lucille". He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him. "She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number. "She leaves her name" was the reply. After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. "How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked. "L-O-W C-E-L-L"


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