JOKE O' THE DAY ARCHIVES
These are June Jokes O' The Day

Previous Daily Quotes:

Forgiveness is a funny thing - it warms the heart and cools the sting...
A man's dying is more the survivors' affair than his own...
The harder you work, the luckier you get...
Life's most important decisions are made with monosyllables - yes and no...
In speaking your mind, don't neglect to mind your speech...
By the yard, life is hard; by the inch, life's a cinch...
A talkative person often says things he hasn't thought of yet...
The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately to defeat him...
Things should be made as simple as possible - no simpler...
Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind...
The best way of avenging yourself is not to become like the wrongdoer...
In a head filled with prejudices, there's no room for a good idea...
The first sign of character is what one does; the second, what one gives...
Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed...
Life's greatest joy - having your secret good deed discovered by accident...
It's not enough to acknowledge another's achievement - celebrate it!..
Every successful person got where he is by starting where he was...
No one is honored for what he has received - only for what he has given...
There is no such thing as an idle rumor...
A sound argument doesn't require a lot of sound...
Interested listening requires more effort than talking...
An error becomes a mistake only when you refuse to correct it...
A happy person is too busy to worry in the daytime and too sleepy to worry at night...
If you never made mistakes, probably no one would ever have heard of you...
The more you're willing to listen, the more you can hear...
You're happy if you're too busy to notice you're happy...

June 30, 2004

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya little thief! Spit it out!"

June 29, 2004

A rare delicacy is sauteed sloth a la Dortmunder. Using the middle toe of the great Australian three-toed sloth - the only edible part of that large, furry, indolent creature - the careful chef debones it, pounds it as with veal, and sautees it briefly over a hot flame with shallots, carrot circles, and just a touch of Tabasco. Prepared in this fashion, sloth is an excellent main course, not unlike alligator in texture and taste. Many people are under the false impression that sloth does not make a good meal, but this is because they've eaten it improperly prepared. It can only be sauteed, a la Dortmunder, a fact ill-appreciated in culinary circles. Too many cooks broil the sloth.

June 28, 2004

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost." God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this, let's say we have a man making contest." To which the scientist replied, "OK, great!" But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"

June 27, 2004

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." "Excuse me?" the accountant said. "I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back." "I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?" "I'll start you at eighty thousand." "Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?" "That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

June 26, 2004

On the way home from her job at the pet boarding kennel, Jane stopped at the grocery store. She was in line at the checkout counter with a full cart, when she noticed a man in a longer line buying only two items. Without thinking, Jane did what she always does when calling to another of God's creatures - she whistled at him and cpmmanded, "Come!" As the man got in line in front of her, he grumbled, "Lucky for you my tail's wagging."

June 24, 2004

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day." Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball. You look over there," he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly. Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?" "What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!" "And a liar, too!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"

June 23, 2004

The Commanding General is supposed to visit the unit, so, in order to appear snappy, the captain stations a private as a sentry outside the front door. "Inform me immediately upon the General's arrival," the captain orders the private. "Yes sir!," the private responds. An hour goes by, and the General hasn't arrived. Worried, the captain checks with the sentry. "Did the General arrive?" "No Sir!" Another 1/2 hour goes by and the captain, getting nervous, checks with the sentry again. "Hasn't the General arrived yet?" "No Sir!" This continues for two hours. Finally, the General arrives. "Where the hell have you been?," snapped the private. "The captain's looking for you!"

June 22, 2004

It seems that a young man volunteered for Navy service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola, skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific. On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?" The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"

June 21, 2004

Joe, a notoriously bad golfer, hits his ball off the first tee and watches as it slices to the right and disappears through an open window. Figuring that's the end of it, he gets another ball out of his bag and plays on. On the eighth hole, a police officer walks up to Joe on the course and says, "Did you hit a golf ball through a window back there?" Joe says, "Yes I did." "Well," says the police officer, "it knocked a lamp over, scaring the dog, which raced out of the house onto the highway. A driver rammed into a brick wall to avoid the dog, sending three people to hospital. And it's all because you sliced the ball." "Oh my goodness," says Joe, "is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is," the cop says. "Try keeping your head down and close up your stance a bit."

June 20, 2004

Jack works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people. The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he was being paged by 'Lucille.' He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him. "She don't ever leave a number, so I can't call her back," he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number. "She leaves her name," was the reply. After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. "How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked. "L-O-W C-E-L-L"

June 19, 2004

One of Helen's students could not take the college seminar final because of a funeral. "No problem," Helen told him. "Make it up the following week." That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral. "You'll have to take the test early next week," Helen insisted. "I can't keep postponing it." "I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he told her. Be now Helen was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?" "I don't know any of these people," he said. "I'm the only gravedigger in town."

June 18, 2004

One Sunday, while serving as a guest minister to a local church, James noticed in the program an order of worship with which he was unfamiliar. Since the service had already begun, he was unable to ask anybody about it. So when they reached that particular moment, James swallowed his pride and asked from the pulpit, "What do I do now?" Someone from the congregation shouted back, "You say something and we respond." Embarrassed, James admitted, "For the first time in my life, I'm speechless." And the congregation responded, "Thanks be to God."

June 16, 2004

During Fred's first night flight, he asked his instructor what to do if the engine failed. "Get the plane gliding in a controlled descent, attempt to restart the engine and make a Mayday call," he explained. "The difference between day and night flying is that the terrain below will not be clearly visible, so turn on the landing light when you get close to the ground, and if you like what you see, land." "All right, but what if I don't like what I see?" Fred asked. The instructor replied, "Turn off the landing light."

June 15, 2004

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions. One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper. "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!" There, on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. A union negotiator broke the silence in the room. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

June 14, 2004

A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother "How old are you?" Mommy says, "Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life." The girl then asks, "Mommy. How much do you weigh?" Mommy says, "That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you grown up." The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" Mommy says, "Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now." The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything." So little Mary does as her friend recommended. That night she sneaks into her mother's room while her mom was cooking dinner. She rummages through her purse and finds the drivers license and examines it carefully. The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says, "Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old." Mommy is very shocked! She asks, "Sweetheart how did you do that?" The girl shrugs and says, "I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weight 120 lbs." The mother is flabbergasted. She asks, "Where did you learn that?" The little girl says, "I just know, that's all, and I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

June 13, 2004

Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?" A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom. A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?" Mr. Tuttle complied with the request. In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?" "Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can't get my instrument bag open."

June 12, 2004

A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished. After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."

June 9, 2004

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda, your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda... no." "No?" "Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

June 8, 2004

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?" The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

June 7, 2004

A Yankee couple was driving their RV across Florida and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress, "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand." The waitress looked at him and said, "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."

June 6, 2004

A large defense contractor finally succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders assembled in front of the new machine and were instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They described a hypothetical situation to the computer and then asked the pivotal question, "Attack or retreat?" The computer hummed away for an hour and then came up with the answer, "Yes." The generals looked at each other, stupefied. Finally one of them submitted a second request to the computer, "Yes, what?" Instantly the computer responded, "Yes, Sir!"

June 5, 2004

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change." Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river (look, my suit's still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes." "You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

June 4, 2004

All the merry men and Maid Marion, gathered around Robin Hood's deathbed, waiting for the inevitable end. Manfully, heroically, Robin struggled up and said, "Friar Tuck, bring me my long bow. I will fire an arrow out the window and wherever it lands, that is where you will bury me." Deeply moved, they placed a long bow in his trembling fingers, propped him up and faced him towards Sherwood Forest. And with an immense effort, Robin aimed and fired. And so it came to pass that they buried him on top of the wardrobe.

June 3, 2004

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked..."And where were you when I got married?"

June 2, 2004

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

June 1, 2004

A friend asked a crop-duster how his day had gone."It was the worst day of my life," replied the man. "This morning I was up in my plance dusting a field when I nicked a power line and damaged the wing of the plane. When I got back to the office, my boss chewed me out. Then the guy from the FAA chewed me out. On my way home, I stopped off at a bar and was handed a warm beer. So I yelled at the bartender, 'Don't you have any cold beers?' The bartender said, 'Sorry, but we've been out of electricity all day ever since some idiot crop-duster hit a power line down the road.'"


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