JOKE O' THE DAY ARCHIVES
These are June Jokes O' The Day

Previous Daily Quotes:

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are...
It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another...
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans...
Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together...
If there is anything disagreeable going on men are always sure to get out of it...
Don't try to make children grow up to be like you or they may do it...
When you live in the past, you lose the present...
It's bad taste to be wise all the time, like being at a perpetual funeral...
A real book is not one that we read, but one that reads us...
Fiction reveals truth that reality obscures...
When an actor has money he doesn't send letters, he sends telegrams...
It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do...
In the field of observation, chance favors the prepared mind...
No government can be long secure without a formidable opposition...
Punctuality is the politeness of kings...
The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking...
The complete truth is not the prerogative of the human judge...
Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage...
Get someone else to blow your horn and the sound will carry twice as far...
The best thing about animals is that they don't talk much...
Music is a part of us and either ennobles or degrades our behavior...

Today's Joke - June 30, 2005

"Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw Fred walking down the hallway at work. "Hear what" Fred asked, his curiosity peaked. "The regional vice president died this morning!" "What?!" Fred asked, totally stunned. "What happened?" "He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack," Jim began explaining. "Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the one." "Boy do I. She's that young blonde babe." "Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too smart, though." "What do you mean?" Fred asked. "He kept yelling at her to 'call 911'. She just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number."

Today's Joke - June 29, 2005

A newcomer to London arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that. She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks, "Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?" The kid says, "How should I know? I'm only 6."

Today's Joke - June 27, 2005

A man is walking around New York with his wife. They find a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside. A hooker comes along and says to him, "Like to come home with me, buddy?" "For how much?" asks the man. "One hundred dollars." "I'll give you five bucks." The girl spits at him and walks away. A little later, the man's wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk. On the first corner they come to there is the same hooker. She takes one look at the man and his wife and says, "You see? You see what you get for five bucks?"

Today's Joke - June 26, 2005

FFive-year-old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy. "My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?" "Sure do! Fifteen-hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"

Today's Joke - June 25, 2005

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night. "I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn." Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm where we stayed?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and make love to her?" "Yes, I have to admit that I did." "Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did." "Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

Today's Joke - June 24, 2005

The minister was preaching on the evils of drink. He first said he would like to gather up all the wine and dump it in the river. Then he moved on beer and said he would like to get all the beer and dump it in the river, and then all other forms of alcohol to be dumped in the river. The choir director's face began to show a worried look. The first hymn they were scheduled to sing was, "Shall We Gather at the River?"

Today's Joke - June 23, 2005

The old man was sitting on his porch when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand. "What are you selling, young man," he asked. "I'm mot selling anything, sir," the young man replied. "I'm the Census Taker." "A what?" the old man asked. "A Census Taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States." "Well," the old man answered. "Don't waste your time. I have no idea."

Today's Joke - June 22, 2005

The Baptist minister had been summoned to the bedside of a Presbyterian woman who was quite ill. As he went up the walk, he met the little daughter of the woman and said to her, "I'm very glad your mother remembered me in her illness. Is your minister out of town?" "No," answered the child. "We were worried it might be contagious, and we didn't want to expose him to it."

Today's Joke - June 21, 2005

It's a summer holiday weekend and a Joe walks into a butcher shop that has a sign in the window saying, "Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound." Joe says, "I'm having a cookout this weekend. I'd like five pounds od your ground sirloin, please." The butcher shakes his head and says, "Sorry, I'm all out." Disappointed, Joe goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, "How much is your ground sirloin?" The proprietor replies, "It's $3.29 a pound." "Three twenty nine!" exclaimed Joe. "Just up the street he sells it for 29 cents." The butcher smiles calmly at Joe and ask, "Does he have any?" "No, he's out of it right now." "Well," says the butcher. "When I don't have any, I can sell it for 19 cents per pound!"

Today's Joke - June 20, 2005

The Pope and an attorney arrived at the Pearly Gates at just the same time, and St. Peter showed them to their quarters. First the Pope was taken to his room, a small, spartan cubicle with a chair, a desk, and a Bible. Then the lawyer was shown to his room, a massive duplex with women, wine, and a huge waterbed. "Excuse me, " said the lawyer to St. Peter, "there must be some mistake. Shouldn't the Pope have this room?" St. Peter shook his head, "No. We have dozens of Popes in heaven, but you're our first attorney."

Today's Joke - June 19, 2005

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

Today's Joke - June 18, 2005

An elderly lady was just finishing up being examined by her gynecologist when the doctor asked her if she had intercourse. The lady thought to herself and said, "You know, I really am not sure. Let me go out to the waiting room and ask Harry, my husband." She got her clothes back on and proceeded to the waiting room where she said, "Harry, do we have intercourse?" Her husband then replied, "Geez, Thelma! How many times do I have to tell you? We have Blue Cross!"

Today's Joke - June 17, 2005

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day, Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?" "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

Today's Joke - June 8, 2005

The driver of a huge tractor trailer lost control of his rig and plowed into an empty tollbooth, smashing it to pieces. He climbed down from the truck and surveyed the wreckage. Within a matter of minutes, another truck pulled up and unloaded a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than half an hour they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and good as new. "Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was that white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?" The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

Today's Joke - June 7, 2005

A knight and his men return to their castle after a hard month of riding. "How are we faring?" his king asks. "Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the West." "What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the West!" "Oh." replies the knight. "Well, you do now."

Today's Joke - June 6, 2005

The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked, "What flag is this?" A little girl called out, "That's the flag of our country." "Very good," the teacher said. "And what is the name of our country?" "'Tis of thee'," the girl said confidently.

Today's Joke - June 5, 2005

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

Today's Joke - June 4, 2005

It's a sunny morning in the big forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and looks at the table at his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks with all the fierceness he can muster. Next, Papa Bear arrives at the scene, looks into his big bowl. It is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he roars and shakes the house. Mama Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For heaven's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mama Bear who got up first. It was Mama Bear who woke up everyone in the house. It was Mama Bear who made the coffee. It was Mama Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mama Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mama Bear who set the table. It was Mama Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry selves downstairs and grace Mama Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one more time - I haven't made the porridge yet!!!!!"

Today's Joke - June 3, 2005

Gladys attended church services every Sunday, but on this one particular Sunday the sermon seemed to go on forever and many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, to be social, Gladys walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman. In an attempt to revive him from his stupor, she walked up close and said, "I'm Gladys Dunn." To this the gentleman replied, "So am I."

Today's Joke - June 2, 2005

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

Today's Joke - June 1, 2005

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question. "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure." The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."


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