JOKE O' THE DAY ARCHIVES
These are March Jokes O' The Day
He that always gives way to others will end in having no principles of his own...
March 31, 2004The
couple, both 40, were celebrating their 15th wedding anniversary. On their special day, a
good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so devoted to one another,
she would grant each of them one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with
her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had cruise tickets in her hand. It was the man's
turn. He looked at his loving wife. He looked at those tickets. Then with a devilish
twinkle in his eyes, he wished for a much younger female companion. And, whoosh!...he
March 30, 2004An
older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but his wife
was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when
we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to
get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly
irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back
the bedclothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"
March 29, 2004While
attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk. "People are always coming to
us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own
problems." "Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each
other out right now?" They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses,
"I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as
often as I can." The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I
frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me." The third psychiatrist
says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
March 28, 2004A young
man fell in a pit one day, and found a magic lamp with a genie inside of it. The genie
said, "I will grant you three wishes." The man's first wish was to get out of the pit.
**POOF** He was instantly transported out. He then wished for all the gold in the world.
**POOF** The genie gave him all the gold nuggets in the world, all the gold bars, all
the gold pebbles, etc. The man could not think of anything for his third wish, so he
went out for a ride in his Ferrari. He turned on the radio, and after a few minutes, his
favorite song came on. He decided to sing along, "Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner..."
March 27, 2004A mother
was teaching her three year old daughter the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings
at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to
solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right
up to the end..."And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us
some e-mail, Amen."
March 26, 2004Three
sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live together in a house. One night the 96-year old
draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I
getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll
come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then, she yells, "Was I
going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year old is sitting at the kitchen table having
tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never
get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come
and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
March 25, 2004A minister
decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, "Today, I am
going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word
I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind." The pastor shouted
out, "Cross." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged
Cross." The Pastor hollered out, "Grace." The congregation began to sing, "Amazing Grace,
how sweet the sound." The Pastor said, "Power." The congregation sang, "There is Power
in the Blood." The Pastor said, "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone
was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say
anything. Then all of a sudden way from in the back of the church a little old
eighty-nine year old grandmother stood up and began to sing..."Precious Memories."
March 24, 2004The
crew of a fast frigate was practicing the man overboard drill by "rescuing" a bright
orange flourescent dummy dubbed Oscar, The captain watched as a young lieutenant
nervously stopped the ship, turned it and maneuvered into place. Unfortunately, he
ran right over Oscar. Surveying the remains of Oscar scattered around the ship, the
captain told the lieutenant, "Son, do me a favor. If I ever fall overboard, just drop
anchor and I'll swim to you!"
March 23, 2004Once
upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very
successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over
the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was
admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing
different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange
ritual. He would lock himself in his quarters and open a small safe. In
the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at
the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go
about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very
curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love?
Everyone speculated about the contentsof the strange envelope. One day,
the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the
first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the
safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and
showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines
with two words each: 'Port Left - Starboard Right.'
March 22, 2004A young
ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee,
he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the
fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of
your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that
way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a
human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected
at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person,
because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not
only blondes, but women in general . . . and all in the name of humor!" The
ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"
March 21, 2004Walking
through the jungle, a hunter found a ferocious-looking rhinoceros with a Pygmy standing
proudly beside it. Amazed, the hunter asked, "Did you kill that rhino?" "Why, yes," said
the Pygmy. "How could a little fella like you kill a beast like that?" "I killed it
with my club," explained the Pygmy. The astonished hunter exclaimed,"Wow! How big is
your club?" The Pygmy replied, "There are about 90 of us."
March 20, 2004A man
spots a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves,
grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer". "OK," says the man, "that explains
the blood. But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?" "Well, I had
to chase him all through the park."
March 19, 2004A Kentucky
family took a vacation to New York City. For an adventure, the father took his son to
see a skyscraper. They were amazed by everything they saw -- especially the elevator
at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's that there, Paw?" The father responded,
"Well, Son, I reckon I never did see nothing like this in my entire life. I got no
derned idea what it is!" While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed
astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed
a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light
up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls
opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father turned to his
son and said, "Go git your Maw."
March 18, 2004There
are two nice bachelor brothers, Jim and Bob, who live with their mother. A business trip
took Bob out of town for a few days but he promised to call home on a regular basis to
find out how things are going. As good as his word, Bob called home the next day and Jim
answered the phone. Bob asked, "So how's everything going?" Jim replied, "The cat's dead.
He fell out the window." Bob was furious at the way his brother responded to his question
and told him the bad news in such a callous manner. He told Jim his feelings in no
uncertain terms. Jim asked, "So how would you have liked me to respond?" Bob went on,
"First, you could have told me that you accidentally left the window open. Then the cat
jumped out of the window and landed on the small roof below. We called the emergency
response team, who tried for nearly and hour to coax the cat back into the house all the
while trying to reach him by ladder from the outside. In spite of everyone's efforts, the
cat lost his footing fell off the roof and died from his injuries." Jim responded,
"Oh. I see." Bob then asked Jim, "So how's Mom?" Jim said, "Well, I accidentally left
the window open and the cat got out. Mom went out the window onto the small roof to try
to get the cat..."
March 17, 2004An
Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is
closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl
outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands
up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls
flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed
he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've
been out drinking again!!" "How did you know?" he asks. "The pub called, you left your
wheelchair there again."
March 16, 2004Did
you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his
boots on? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing,
the boots still didn't want to go on. By the time she got the second boot on, she had
worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on
the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling
the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as they worked
together to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet. He then announced,
"These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and
scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help
him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom
made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the
grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots ..."
March 15, 2004Three
men, a German, a Japanese and a Texan were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was
a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked
at him questioningly. "That was my pager, "he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of
my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear.
When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Texan felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something
just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with
a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and
stared at him. The Texan finally said, "Well, will you look at that. I'm getting a fax."
March 14, 2004People
were talking in their church pews. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in
a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had left the church
except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming
oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up
to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. "Don't you
realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute,"
returned the old man, in an even tone."Did you know that I could cause you profound,
horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan."Yep," was the calm reply. "And
you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man. More than a little
perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied,
"Been married to your sister for 48 years."
March 13, 2004Nancy
was out walking with her 4-year old daughter, Sara. She picked up something off the
ground and started to put it in her mouth. The mother asked her not to do that. "Why?"
asked Sara. "Because," Nancy replied, "it's been laying outside and is dirty and
probably has germs." At this point, Sara looked at her mother with total admiration and
asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," her mother was thinking quickly,
everyone knows this stuff, but she said, "Um, it's on the mommy test. You have to know
it, or they don't let you be a mommy." "Oh," Sara said. They walked along in silence for
2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "I get it!" she
beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the daddy, right?"
March 12, 2004In
this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're
a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal
with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could
deal with that, too. When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the
size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs.
I could definitely deal with that. If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean
business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you
swat them too. I could deal with that. If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to
wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup ... gonna be a bear!
March 11, 2004A real-estate
agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse
with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front. After briskly introducing herself and
her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening
closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a 'new light fixture here
and a little paint there' would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was
hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing. "Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate
the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, 'HORSE
March 10, 2004It's
Tuesday. Three in the afternoon. Los Angeles police pick up a con artist on section 872,
the old Fountain of Youth scam. The con artist is selling bottles filled with a liquid
that he claims slows the aging process. The detective tells his partner, "Frank, check
his record. My gut tells me that our boy has playesd this game before." Frank reports
back. "You're right, he's got priors. He was busted for the same thing in 1815, 1887,
March 9, 2004It
was the annual grudge match football game between the large animals and the small animals.
In the first half, the big animals crushed the little critters. But the second half, things
had turned around. The big animals' stars - the elephant, rhino and hippo - were all
tackled for huge losses. "Who's making all those tackles?" asked the small critter's
coach. "I am," said the centipede. "Why weren't you here earlier when we needed you?" the
coach yelled. The centipede replied, "I was having my ankles taped."
March 8, 2004Three
guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his
interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at
me?" The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears." The interviewer says,
"That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again." The second man takes
his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears."
The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with
his company. As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever
you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing." "Okay,"
said man #3 on his way into the office. Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing
you notice when you look at me." The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts."
The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?" "What? Are
you stupid? You can't wear glasses, you've got no ears!"
March 7, 2004There
was a historical marker near Fred's West Virginia home commemorating the Civil War battle
of Blue's Gap. One day when an oncoming bus was taking too wide a turn, Fred swerved his van
out of the way, accidentally clipped the sign and broke it. Wanting to do the right thing,
Fred called the state police to report the damage. Apparently the war is still not over,
because the trooper Fred spoke to asked, "Who won that battle?" "The Union," Fred replied.
"Well, don't worry about it," he said, and hung up.
March 6, 2004Joe
had always dreamed of flying helicopters, so he bought one and took lessons. During
his first solo flight, the helicopter went up, up, up. And then it went down, down,
down - hard. "What happened?" the instructor asked as Joe climbed out of the wreckage.
"It's like this," Joe said. "I took her up to 1,000 feet. No problem. So I took her up
to 2,000 feet. No problem. Then I took her up to 3,000 feet and it started getting a
bit chilly, so I turned off the ceiling fan."
March 5, 2004A Japanese
soap manufacturing company received a complaint that a consumer had bought a box of
soap that was empty. Management tasked its engineers to solve the problem permanently
to avoid any reoccurrence. The engineers worked hard to devise an X-ray machine with
high-resolution monitors manned by two people to watch all the soapboxes that passed
through the line to make sure they were not empty. No doubt, they worked hard and
they worked fast. But a rank-and-file employee came out with another solution. He bought
a strong industrial electric fan and pointed it at the assembly line. He switched the fan
on, and as each soapbox passed the fan, it simply blew the empty boxes out of the line.
March 4, 2004Some
race horses are having a conversation in a stable. One of them starts to boast about
his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in,
"Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!" "Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races,
I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a
greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the
greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!" The horses are clearly
amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
March 3, 2004Bill's
tee shot off the first tee hooks horribly and skips off the clubhouse roof. He decides
it's not worth chasing so he tees up another ball and plays on. As he's making the
turn at nine, his friend, Johnny, comes running out of the clubhouse, "Bill, wait up!"
"Yeah, what is it?" Bill replies. "Did you see what happened to your ball from the first
tee?" "Well, I hooked the ball off the clubhouse roof but I didn't see what happened to it."
Johnny says, "Let me tell you, it richocheted off a van's window which went out of control
and hit a school bus. The bus tumbled down an embankment and burst into flames! Three kids
are in critical condition at the hospital!" "Oh my God!" says Bill. "What should I do?"
"Well, I think if you just open your stance a little bit . . ."
March 2, 2004Chuck
dies and finds himself standing third in line at the Pearly Gates. The Angel explains
that admission requirements are now a bit more strict, as a few slum landlords and con
artists have managed to slip into Heaven without being detected. He queries the first
candidate, "What was your annual salary, and what was your profession?" "I made $150,000
as an attorney," comes the reply. "You may enter," says the Angel. Second candidate, same
question. "I made $95,000, I was a realtor." He is also permitted to enter. Now it is the
third man's turn. "My annual salary was $8,000." "Cool!" replies the Angel, "and what
instrument did you play?"
March 1, 2004A Russian,
a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the
best vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says, "In Russia,
we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good
as the one we produce in Russia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it
away." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it.
All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes out a pack of Havana cigars, takes
one, lights it and begins to smoke it saying, "In Cuba, we have the best cigars in the
world - Havanas. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigars and we have
so much of them, that we can just throw them away." Saying that, he throws the pack of
Havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time,
the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it.
In America there are two classes of travel; first class, and with children...
Freedom is the right to tell people what they do not want to hear...
Man is but a reed, the most feeble thing in nature, but he is a thinking reed...
For fast acting relief, try slowing down...
The only easy day was yesterday...
You'll never have any mental muscle if you don't have any heavy stuff to pick up...
Nothing can have value without being an object of utility...
A psychiatrist is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself...
All the great speakers were bad speakers once...
Hindsight: It's like foresight without a future...
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow...
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague...
All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken...
Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow...
When all men think alike, no one thinks very much...
Don't try to make children grow up to be like you or they may do it...
Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering...
A truth that's told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent...
At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet...
Many a false step is made by standing still...
No one was ever great without some portion of divine inspiration...
There is point beyond which even justice becomes unjust...
There's no workman, whatsoever he be, that may both work well and hastily...
Crazy men see ghosts--sane men ignore them...
People may doubt what you say, but they will always believe what you do...
Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it...
Whoso neglects learning in his youth, loses the past and is dead for the future...
It is better to lose health like a spendthrift than to waste it like a miser...
Good taste is better than bad taste, but bad taste is better than no taste...
Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment...
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