JOKE O' THE DAY ARCHIVES
These are March Jokes O' The Day

Previous Daily Quotes:

Efficiency is avoiding extra work by doing it right the first time...
If you never seem to reach the goal of your dreams, blame the alarm clock...
Junk is the stuff you throw out and stuff is the junk you keep...
Wisdom is knowing when to speak your mind and when to mind your speech...
Thanks can be returned but never borrowed...
It's easier to follow example than advice...
With a good hobby you can find yourself and lose yourself at the same time...
The perfect guest makes his host feel right at home...
A friend is one who remembers your birthday but not which birthday...
To defy old age, just believe that you're as good as you never were...
It's more pleasant to give than receive - especially medicine and advice...
You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in a 7-Eleven...
Wealth is the product of man's capacity to think...
Justice without force is powerless; force without justice is tyrannical...
The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking...
You've got to date a lot of Volkswagens before you get to your Porsche...
What we do today, right now, will have an accumulated effect on all our tomorrows...
Whoever blushes is already guilty; true innocence is ashamed of nothing...
If you have no enemies, it is a sign fortune has forgot you...
Never does nature say one thing and wisdom another...
It's the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter...
Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question...
An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience...
Crazy men see ghosts--sane men ignore them...
Sulking about your mistakes only leads to future ones...
Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it...
It takes longer to hard-boil a man or a woman than an egg...
Whatever deceives seems to produce a magical enchantment...
There is nothing as permanent as a temporary solution that works...

March 30, 2005

A lawyer, a doctor and an engineer have all been sentenced to die for crimes they have committed. The lawyer is brought up in shackles and placed in the guillotine. The executioner pulls the lever to activate the device and the blade starts to fall, but jams. The lawyer is spared and released to go free. The doctor is brought up in shackles and placed in the guillotine. The executioner pulls the lever to activate the device and the blade starts to fall, but jams. The doctor is spared and released to go free. The engineer is brought up in shackles and placed in the guillotine. The executioner reaches for the lever to activate the device and the engineer shouts, "Wait! Stop everything! I think I've figured out your problem!"

March 29, 2005

Two old friends meet passing on the street one day. But one looked forlorn, and almost on the verge of tears. His friend asked, "What had the world done to you, my old friend?" The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars." "That's not bad." "But you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew kicked the bucket, and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear." "Sounds like you should be grateful..." "You don't understand!" he interrupted. "Last week my great-aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million." Now he was really confused. "Then, how come you look so glum?" "This week... nothing!"

March 28, 2005

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day. "What for?" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars for contempt of court. That's why!" Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

March 27, 2005

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

March 26, 2005

A newly rich internet entrepreneur splurged on a Rolls Royce and couldn't wait to show it off. So after a meeting with the manager of his bank, he offered him a ride home. A mile or two into the ride, he couldn't help asking the banker, "So whaddya think? Pretty snappy, huh? Bet you've never ridden in one of these before." "Actually, I have," replied the banker graciously, "but this is my first time in the front seat."

March 25, 2005

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. He went back in and in the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He got out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "If only I could find my parakeet."

March 24, 2005

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."

March 23, 2005

The meanest principal in the world was worried that his private school would close because of lack of students. One day he called in his overworked assistant and demanded that he go out and recruit more students or be fired. The next day five new students signed up. The day after that another ten signed up. Within a week the enrollment was sky high. Pulling his assistant aside one day, the principal asked, "How did you get so many new students to sign up?" "It was easy," replied the assistant. "I just started a rumor that you were quitting."

March 22, 2005

When Gina was a kid, she and her father had a running joke. If anyone asked what he did for a living, Gina was to reply, "He's a sports mechanic. He fixes boxing matches and horse races." Once Gina answered a teacher that way. She flipped out and summoned my parents. Gina's dad calmed her down by explaining it was a joke. "So, what do you do?" she asked. Her dad, a sales rep for a pharmaceutical company, said, "I sell drugs."

March 21, 2005

Although fighting the enemy is considered normal, the Army frowns upon fighting among the troops. So much so that after one too many battles royal, Jack was ordered to undergo a psychiatric evaluation in which he had to endure some odd questions. "If you saw a submarine in the Sahara, what would you do?" "Well, I'd throw snowballs at it," he answered. "Where'd you get the snowballs?" the doctor asked. "Same place you got the submarine."

March 20, 2005

Because his mother had a habit of losing her cordless phone, John bought her a phone with a clip on it so she could attach it directly to her pants. A few days later, John walked into his mother's home and found her standing in the middle of the living room, halfway dressed. That didn't strike John as odd so much as the fact that she was holding her pants to the side of her head and speaking into them. "Don't look at me that way," she yelled. "The phone was ringing and I couldn't figure out how to undo this clip!"

March 19, 2005

Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Steve. He would complain about everything. One day he went to their creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death. At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she nodded her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no. The minister asked, "Why are you shaking your head 'yes' for men and 'no' for women?" Her response was, "The men would say how sorry they felt for me and I was saying, 'Yes, I'll be alright.' When the women walked by, they were asking if the mule is for sale."

March 18, 2005

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer." The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word." She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please." "And what word would that be?" inquires the man. "Comfortable," replies the brunette. The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but is your friend gonna understand this telegram?" The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow. When she gets this, she will read it like: COM-FOR-DA-BULL."

March 17, 2005

A man arrived at the gates of heaven. "I'm glad to be here, but I'm curious as to what hell looks like," he said. "I'll tell you what," St. Peter said. "You can see hell before you enter." He led the man to an elevator. "Ride to the very bottom. When the door opens, you'll see hell, but don't get out of the elevator." An hour later, the doors opened on a frozen wasteland. Peering through the blizzard, the man saw huge mountains of ice. Shivering, he pushed the button for heaven. "I thought hell would be fire and brimstone," he said to St. Peter, "but all I saw was snow and ice. Is it always like that?" "Snow and ice, huh?" St. Peter said. "I guess the Arizona Cardinals finally won the Super Bowl."

March 16, 2005

"The pharmacist just insulted me," the woman sobbed to her husband. Upset, he jumped into his car and sped to the store to defend his wife. "Listen to my side!" the pharmacist pleaded. "First, my alarm didn't go off and I overslept. Rushing out, I locked both my house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get them. Then I got a flat tire. When I finally got behind the counter, there was a long line and the phone was ringing. After bending to pick up a roll of nickels, I cracked my head on a drawer and fell backward, shattering the perfume case. Meanwhile, the phone was still ringing. I picked it up, and your wife asked me how to use a rectal thermometer. I swear, all I did was tell her."

March 15, 2005

While leading activities for seniors at a nursing home, Sue asked her group to complete well-known phrases. For example, she would prompt them with, "Better safe..." to which they would respond, "than sorry." The game proceeded as expected until Sue got to the phrase "Make love, not war." Sue had barely gotten out the first two words when a 90-year-old woman shouted from the back, "While you can!"

March 14, 2005

A couple of friends were flying to Reno for a long weekend. An hour into the trip, the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "The pilot has just informed me that we've lost an engine. There's no need for alarm, though. We have three engines left, and we'll just be an hour late." About another hour into the flight she made another announcement. "We've lost another engine. Don't worry. We still have two more, but we'll be another hour late." One guy turned to his friend and said, "Man, if we lose the other two engines, we'll be up here all day!"

March 13, 2005

As the result of an explosive argument with his mother, little Freddy pasted a sign reading "I hate Mom" on the door to hs room, and slammed it shut. Freddy's Dad, a school psychologist, came home after work to this tense standoff. "I'll take care of it," he confidently told Mom, and went into Freddy's room. Minutes later, Dad came out. "He doesn't hate you anymore," he reassured her. Sure enough, Freddy had crossed out "Mom" on his sign. It now read "I hate Dad."

March 12, 2005

Doctors are used to getting calls at any hour. One night a man phoned, waking up Doctor Dave. "I'm sorry to bother you so late," he said, "but I think my wife has appendicitis." Still half-asleep, the doctor reminded him that he had taken his wife's inflamed appendix out a couple of years before. "Whoever heard of a second appendix?" the doctor asked. "You may not have heard of a second appendix," the man replied, "but surely you've heard of a second wife."

March 11, 2005

Visiting the National Museum of the American Indian in Washington, D.C., John and his sister were admiring a beautiful tribal headress decorated with eagle feathers. A man came up to them and identified himself as Native American. "Do you know how warriors got those?" the man asked, pointing to the feathers. "They covered a hole with brush, tied a live rabbit on top of it and hid underneath. When an eagle swooped down for the kill, they would grab its wing or tail." "Fascinating," John said. "You learned that from your tribal elders?" "Actually, no," the man confessed. "I saw it on the Discovery Channel."

March 9, 2005

Long lines were supposed to be a thing of the past once the neighborhood supermarket installed a self-serve checkout counter. Customers easily figured it out-except for the woman at the front of the line. In its irritating computer-generated voice, the machine kept reminding her to take one item after another out of the scanning zone before sho could check the next. There was a constant "Move..your..produce" and "Move..your..milk" and so on. Everyone in the growing line was getting restless, but they had to laugh when she left a bag of dinner rolls on the scanner and the machine commanded, "Move..your..buns."

March 8, 2005

Joe was in his usual place in the morning - sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife, Donna, with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives." Donna replied, "Why thank you, dear!"

March 7, 2005

A pollster was working outside the United Nations building in New York. He approached three men: a Texan, a Californian and a New Yorker. "Excuse me." he said. "I would like to ask your opinion on the current meat shortage." The Texan replied, "Excuse me, but what is a shortage?" The Californian asked, "Excuse me, but what is meat?" The New Yorker replied, "What is 'Excuse me'?"

March 6, 2005

Sally's mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so Sally and her brother, Josh, decided to buy their mom a new one as a gift. The problem was they weren't sure what to get, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, Josh happened to be visiting his mother one day when Sally called home. "Measure the bed frame before you leave," Sally told him. "I don't have a tape measure," Josh replied. "You can use a dollar bill," Sally suggested. "Each one is six inches long. "Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet. "I only have a ten."

March 5, 2005

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something." The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

March 4, 2005

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

March 3, 2005

Needing some clothes cleaned in a hurry, a man searched the small Georgia town in which he was visiting until he found a sign which read: "Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service." After explaining his needs, he said, "I'll be back for my suit tomorrow." "Won't be ready 'til Saturday," replied the proprietor. "But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer protested. "We do, son," the proprietor said reproachfully. "But we only work eight hours a day. Today's Thursday - eight hours today, eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday. That's 24-hour service."

March 2, 2005

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumberyard. One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned shortly and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a moment and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

March 1, 2005

A guy from Philadelphia dies and is sent to Hell. He had been a horrible man his entire life. The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. To make it worse he cranks up the temperature and the humidity. After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as the Philadelphian is happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune. The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned the heat way up, it's humid and you're crushing rocks. Why are you so happy?" The Philadelphian, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of August in Philadelphia. Hot, humid, a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!" The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Philadelphian's remark. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the Philadelphian is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks. Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions. The Philadelphian replies, "This is great! Just like April in Philadelphia. It reminds me of working out in the yard with spring planting!" The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make the Philadelphian suffer. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly Hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make the Philadelphian unhappy, the devil checks in on him. He is again aghast at what he sees. The Philadelphian is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee. "How can you be so happy? Don't you know its 40 below zero!?" screams the devil. Jumping up and down the Philadelphian throws a snowball at the devil and yells, "Hell has frozen over!! That means the Eagles have won the Super Bowl!"


[ Home ] [ Joke O' The Day ] [ Patriotic Corner ] [ Poetic Pieces ] [ Politics ] [ License Plates ] [ Miscellaneous ] [ Archives ]