These are May Jokes O' The Day

Previous Daily Quotes:

What is there more kindly than the feeling between host and guest?..
Curiosity is, in great and generous minds, the first passion and the last...
Arguments of convenience lack integrity and inevitably trip you up...
Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like...
Don't try to make children grow up to be like you or they may do it...
He does not believe, that does not live according to his belief...
A talkative person often says things he hasn't thought of yet...
Humility is the state caused by suddenly shrinking to our normal proportions...
Never take a step backward, not even to gain momentum...
The aim of education is the knowledge not of facts, but of values...
Even those with nothing else to give can give encouragement...
A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on...
A pessimist sees less in anything; an optimist sees more in everything...
Enough is abundance to the wise...
A true leader is a servant that feeds the talents of his followers...
Do with a smile those things you have to do anyway...
Don't burn a bridge that you may have to cross later...
Forgive and forget...then let others forget that you have forgiven...
If you want a place in the sun, be prepared to get a few blisters...
The happiest people are those who are too busy to feel miserable...
Happiness is not the result of what you have but of what you are...
A talent is not a treasure to be hoarded, but a gift to be shared...
Junk is the stuff we throw out; stuff is the junk we keep...
This generation of Americans has a rendezvous with destiny...

May 31, 2004

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There he is greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He delivers a kick to Osama's knee. Osama is subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurls him back toward the gate where he is to be judged. As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!" An angel replies, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

May 30, 2004

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle!"

May 29, 2004

A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and finally found a taker. "I think this one will really move," said the broker, "it's only $1 a share". "Buy me 1000 shares," said the client. The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, "You were right, give me 5000 more shares." The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4. The client ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get me 10,000 more shares!" said the client. "Great," said the broker. The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9. Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, "Sell all my shares." The broker said, "To whom? You were the only one buying that stock."

May 28, 2004

A man bought a parrot, and for 20 years the bird kept silent, never uttering so much as a word. Every morning the parrot would wake up, stand patiently on its perch, and wait for its owner to come and feed it. One morning, the man overslept. Using its beak, the parrot pried the cage door open, flew out, and perched on the man's head. Pecking its owner's nose, the parrot squawked and said, "Excuse me, but it's nearly noon and I'm starved." The man sat bolt upright, "Polly, you can talk!" "Of course, I can talk," said the parrot. "Then why haven't you said anything for 20 years?" asked the man excitedly. "Because up till now," screeched the bird, "the service has been excellent!"

May 27, 2004

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job." Murphy said, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!" The manager replied, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed." Murphy said, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" "Simple," the manager replied, "the American put down on question # 5, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'"

May 26, 2004

While talking to a potential recruit, the military recruiter said, "Exactly what kind of job are you looking for in the military?" The high school kid said, "I'm looking for something with an enlistment bonus of about $20,000, where I won't have to work too hard, and won't have to deploy overseas. The recruiter said, "Well, what if I could hook you up with a skill that allowed you to come straight in as an E-7, where you'll only work weekdays, and you can have the base of your choice and stay there as long as you want?" The young recruit sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The recruiter replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

May 25, 2004

Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about what they were burying. "This here's a big mule!" "This ain't no mule, this here's a donkey." "Mule!" "Donkey!" Well, this went on for a while until the camp chaplain came by. "What are you boys doing?" "We're diggin' a grave for this mule." "Donkey, dammit!" The chaplain cut in, "Boys, this isn't either one, it's an ass." An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, "What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?" "No sir. We're diggin' an ass hole."

May 24, 2004

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear: No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?" The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler." "I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield." The general said, "Drive on!" The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker." The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!" The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

May 23, 2004

Three Texans, Slim, Billy-Bob and Bubba died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, they were met by St. Peter, who explained that, although it was late and God had retired for the evening, he had asked Albert Einstein to show them around so they wouldn't get bored before they met God in the morning. After Einstein had introduced himself to Slim, he asked, "By the way, Slim, what was your IQ when you were alive?" "159", said Slim. "Great!", said Einstein. We'll discuss my general theory of relativity and maybe a little unified field theory as I show you around." "What an exciting opportunity!", said Slim. Einstein then introduced himself to Billy-Bob, and when he was done he said, "Tell me, Billy-Bob, what was your IQ when you were alive?" "141", said Billy-Bob. "Good," said Einstein. "If you'd like, we can discuss a little mathematics and philosophy as I point out the heavenly sights." "Nothing I'd like better!" was Billy-Bob's reply. After Einstein had introduced himself to Bubba, he asked, "What was your IQ when you were alive, Bubba?" "58" said Bubba. Punching him on the arm, Einstein said, "Hey, Bubba, how 'bout them Cowboys!"

May 22, 2004

This couple, who had been married for 50 years, were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago this morning." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you now as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other one's in your oatmeal!"

May 21, 2004

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems." "Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?" They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can." The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me." The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

May 20, 2004

Janet, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up. "They think we have an accent," she replied. "But they have an accent, right?" Brent asked. "They talk funny?" "Everybody talks in different ways," she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out." His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"

May 19, 2004

The last thing Christy was prepared for was an invitation to a costume party. Eight and a half months pregnant, she was in no shape for a conventional costume. Still, she wanted to go, so she painted a big yellow circle on an extra-extra-large white T-shirt, dug a pair of red devil horns out of her kids' Halloween junk pile...and went as a deviled egg!

May 18, 2004

At one point in time during his career, Admiral Hyman Rickover, the father of the Nuclear Navy, was commander of a carrier task force, and had his flag on the carrier. For exercise, Adm. Rickover walked a lap around the flight deck every day. It became custom for the sailors to approach the Admiral during his walks, and gripe, complain, etc., and the Admiral would take care of the problems brought forth by the crew. It was a great morale booster. Well, the day came when Admiral Rickover was reassigned to Washington, and a helicopter carried him off. The crew was so despondent at his departure that the helmsman wasn't paying attention to his job, and the carrier hit a sandbar. Yes, they grounded the warship he walked on.

May 17, 2004

Two kung-fu masters were carrying on about their respective skills. "Why, my reflexes are such that you will not believe," boasted Master Foo and, drawing his sword, he sliced at a passing fly,which promptly dropped dead in two pieces. "That's nothing," said Master Koh. Drawing his sword, he made two deft cuts at another passing fly. Master Foo was highly amused. "What are you talking about?" he sneered. "That fly is still flying." "Ah, yes," replied Master Koh,"but now it can never have children."

May 16, 2004

One afternoon Fred was in his living room reading the sports pages. "This pitcher earns $2.2 million a year just for throwing a ball straight," Fred ranted to his wife. "Anyone can do that." He picked up a rubber ball that was lying next to his chair and threw it at a couch cushion. "Look at that," Fred bragged. "Bull's-eye!" His wife tossed the ball back and Fred threw it again, hitting dead center. "Two in a row," Fred cheered. His third toss went wild and ricocheted into one of his wife's favorite pictures, knocking it off the end table. She didn't even look up. "And that," she said, "is why you make $22,000 a year."

May 9, 2004

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.
Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."
Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."
The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop".

May 7, 2004

There's an Air Force guy driving from McChord to Ft Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Ft Lewis to McChord. In the middle of the night, with no other cars on the road, they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise, the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He, too, says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!" The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals." The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck." So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the Army guy, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship." The Army guy replies, "You're absolutely right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Your turn!" The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."

May 6, 2004

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he can do. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town grouch. So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin to do?" The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43." Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells. "I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor. So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!" Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..." Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the town.

May 5, 2004

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!" The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum company." About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do you like that, I work for the 3M Company." The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air. I work for 7-UP."

May 4, 2004

Tired of having to balance his wife Lucy’s checkbook, Bob made a deal with her; he would look at it only after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape. Only then would he lend his expertise. The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, the woman said proudly, “There! I’ve done it! I made it balance!” Impressed, Bob came over to take a look. “Let’s see … mortgage 550.00…electricity 70.50… phone 35.00.” His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. “It says here ESP, 615.00. What the heck is that?” “Oh,” she said, “That means, Error Some Place.”

May 3, 2004

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Madam, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church." The priest replied... "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady said, "Oh, $20,000 a week." The Priest was amazed. "Your son must be very successfu. What does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is a very honorable profession," the priest says. "Where does he practice?" The old lady says proudly, "Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno."

May 2, 2004

A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, "I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll just get him." With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a special dog," he tells her. "It is able to fly," he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop. "There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my', he'll eat whatever you've mentioned. Watch. 'My apple!'" The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket. "He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him," she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband. "Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!" she exclaims when she gets back home. "He can fly!" The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, "Fly eh? Ha! My foot!"

May 1, 2004

Tired of having to stare at the luscious young kitten on the other side of the chain link fence, bold Tommy Tomcat decided to visit her one day. Settling back on his haunches, he gave a mighty leap and landed on the other side. Impressed, the lovely cat sauntered over. "That was quite a leap," she remarked. "Want to go somewhere and cuddle?" "Afraid not," said Tommy, a pained expressions on his face. "The fence was higher than I thought."

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