JOKE O' THE DAY ARCHIVES
These are May Jokes O' The Day

Previous Daily Quotes:

Character is like the foundation of a house; it's below the surface...
Sandwich every bit of criticism between two layers of praise...
You're only cooking up trouble when you stew about tomorrow...
A person's ability is usually rated by what he finishes, not by what he starts...
The fellow who has the right to boast doesn't have to...
Our duty is not to see through one another, but to see one another through...
To get full value of a joy, you must have someone to divide it with...
A candle loses none of its light by lighting another candle...
It's okay to cook up excuses, but don't use any that are half-baked...
Nothing makes a child so smart as having grandparents...
It's better to prepare and prevent than to repair and repent...
Life is like an exciting book, and every year starts a new chapter...
Blessed are the quilters, for they shall be called the piece makers...
Gossip travels freely, but good news has to be helped along...
Turn your face to the light and the shadows fall behind...
An empty heart is a far greater misfortune than an empty purse...
It's what you learn after you know it all that counts...
No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings...
God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December...
Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering...
The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet...
When orators lack in depth they make up to you in length...
We do not need more knowledge, we need more character...
Many a false step is made by standing still...
A teacher affects eternity: he can never tell where his influence stops...
The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success, hasn't been asleep...
We can do anything we want to if we stick to it long enough...
The aim of education is the knowledge not of facts, but of values...

May 31, 2005

Two young men, who had just graduated from Harvard, were excited and talkative about their future plans as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston. After hearing them for a couple of minutes, the cab driver asked,"You men Harvard graduates?" "Yes Sir! Class of '04!" they answered proudly. The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, "Class of '64."

May 30, 2005

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his stepmother. Men will never learn.

May 28, 2005

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something." The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

May 27, 2005

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um. . . no." "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted."Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"

May 26, 2005

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!" he yelled with forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside and his horse had been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go...what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

May 25, 2005

Two elderly women were out driving one day and both could just barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection and the traffic light was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it; I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was again red, and again they went right through. This time the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Dear! Am I driving?"

May 24, 2005

This blonde lady walks into a store and goes up to an employee who works there. She says, "Ummm...excuse me. Can I buy that microwave over there?" The man employee answers, "O, sorry. We don't serve blondes here." So she goes home, and dyes her hair brown. She goes back up to the same employee at the same store and asks the same question. And she got the same answer back. So she goes home and shaves off all her hair. Then for the last time, she decides she'll go back to that store and ask again. "Can I buy that microwave over there?" The employee answers, "Sorry, we don't serve blondes here." "Well, how do you know that I am a blonde?" says the blonde. "Because that's not a microwave. That's a television."

May 23, 2005

A blind man with a seeing-eye dog goes into a large department store. He wanders about for a while, then stops, snatches the dog up by its tail, and begins to twirl it around over his head. Upon seeing this, a clerk goes to the blind man and says, "May I help you, sir?" To which the blind man responds, "No, thank you, I'm just looking around."

May 22, 2005

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of your self!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Please give me a push!" "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

May 21, 2005

Most people are familiar with the story and movie of Quasimodo, The Hunchback of Notre Dame. After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

May 20, 2005

Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Steve. He would complain about everything. That day he went to their creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death. At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she nodded her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no. The minister asked "Why are you nodding your head 'yes' for men and 'no' for women?" Her response was, "The men would say how sorry they felt for me and I was saying, 'Yes, I'll be alright.' When the women walked by, they were asking if the mule is for sale...."

May 19, 2005

The phone rang in the obituary department of the local newspaper. "How much does it cost to have an obituary printed"? asked a woman. "It's five dollars a word, ma'am," the clerk replied politely. "Fine," said the woman after a moment. "Got a pencil?" "Yes ma'am." "Got some paper?" "Yes ma'am." "Okay, write this down: 'Cohen dead'." "That's all?" asked the clerk disbelievingly. "That's it." "I'm sorry ma'am, I should have told you - there's a five word minimum." "Yes, you should've," snapped the woman. "Now let me think a minute... okay, got a pencil?" "Yes ma'am." "Got some paper?" "Yes, ma'am." Okay, here goes: 'Cohen dead. Cadillac for Sale.'"

May 18, 2005

One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."

May 17, 2005

An elderly lady came to see a young male doctor with her husband. After the consultation was finished, the elderly man suddenly asked the doctor for a piece of paper and a pen. Although a strange request, he complied, and the man quickly wrote something, then handed the folded piece of paper to the doctor. He told him to read it as soon as they had left. The doctor thought that the man perhaps had an embarrassing medical complaint he didn't want to talk about in front of his wife, so the doctor didn't hesitate in obeying the request. Once the couple had left the room, the doctor sat down and read the piece of paper. It's contents were thus: "Doctor, your fly is undone!"

May 16, 2005

A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much. One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of brushes knocked on his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn't home. "Well," the woman said, "could I please wait for her?" The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours. After feeling really worried, she called out for him and asked,"May I know where your wife is?" "She went to the cemetery," he replied. "And when is she coming?" "I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now."

May 13, 2005

I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a red Mustang doing 85 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane. It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!

May 12, 2005

A cardiac patient with end-stage heart disease was informed that he needed an immediate heart transplant operation. The heart surgeon told him, "You can have a doctor’s heart for $10,000 dollars or a Rabbi’s heart for $25,000 dollars or I can give you a lawyer’s heart for$100,000 dollars." The patient asked, "Why is the lawyer’s heart so much more expensive than the others?" "Well," replied the surgeon, "we

May 11, 2005

A guy is walking on the beach somewhere in California. He sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish to the lucky guy. The guy thinks about it and says, "I'd like you to build a highway to Hawaii because I am afraid to fly. The genie responds that this can't be done because it would be technologically impossible considering the depth of the ocean and the distance to Hawaii. So he asks the guy to wish for something else. The guy thinks about it and, very enthusiastically, wishes he would understand women. The genie than said, "Do you want your highway to have 2 or 4 lanes?"

May 10, 2005

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?" "Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded. "Would you please pass it to me," The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him. After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court." "We find the defendant NOT GUILTY on all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman. The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?" The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

May 9, 2005

Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped. He'd spent months studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. The population, despite all efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. Finally, Finn went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help. Tom Trom looked into the problem and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Trom brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a zoss of that and, most critically, one part sodium. "You mean?" Jim said when told. "Yes," said Tom, "they needed mono-sodium glue to mate."

May 8, 2005

Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship. A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard. The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything. Finally, his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?" Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."

May 7, 2005

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago ..." "Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine." "Are you sure?" she asked. "I'm sure," I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know. "I reckon not," I replied. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?" "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

May 6, 2005

The minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he preached only 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday he preached 1 hour and 25 minutes. When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: "The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I could not stop talking!"

May 5, 2005

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette. After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through." He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you'd better go talk to them." The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said, "Small world."

May 4, 2005

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained. "These fairways seem to be getting longer, too," said one of the others. "The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior. After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them, at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

May 3, 2005

One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?" Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband. I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"

May 2, 2005

An instructor was sitting in his office one afternoon when an attractive, sexy-looking young lady knocked on his door. "Yes," he replied, "how may I help you?" The young lady said, "I need to talk to you about my grade in your class." "Come in and have a seat," said the instructor. "Is there anything I can do to get an 'A' in your class?" "What do you mean by anything?" he replied. "Anything," she said. "Anything?" he said again. She said in her best sultry voice, "I mean anything." The instructor got up from behind his desk, sat down beside her and whispered in her ear, "Would you study?"

May 1, 2005

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. "Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"


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