JOKE O' THE DAY ARCHIVES
These are November Jokes O' The Day

Previous Daily Quotes:

Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue...
It is discouraging how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit...
An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble...
A person who aims at nothing is sure to hit it...
Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice...
If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it...
The whole world steps aside for the man who knows where he is going...
History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon...
Communism is like Prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work...
In the absence of certainty, instinct is all you can follow...
Start off everyday with a smile and get it over with...
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for the coffin...
The injuries we do and those we suffer are seldom weighed in the same scales...
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something...
Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell...
The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of the glass...
Life is like a beautiful melody, only the lyrics are messed up...
Don't judge a book by its cover 'til you've read the book...
If you tell the truth, you don't need a long memory...
The smallest deed is greater than the grandest intention...
The one item you want is never the one on sale...
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it...
The highway of life is always under construction...
Those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly...
Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration...
Worry pulls tomorrow's clouds over today's sunshine...
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen...
Sometimes the good you do doesn't do you any good...
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive...
When all men think alike, no one thinks very much...

November 30, 2003

A burglar breaks into an isolated country house after watching the whole family depart for a night out on the town. As he creeps across the darkened living room he hears a voice saying, "I can see you and Jesus can see you." The burglar shines his penlight torch around the room, but sees nothing. He takes another step and he hears it again, "I can see you and Jesus can see you." This time he realizes the voice comes from above and when he shines his torch around he sees a parrot sitting on top of a cupboard. It looks him in the eye and says, "I can see you and Jesus can see you." The burglar laughs and says, "You're just a parrot." The parrot looks him in the eye and says, "I'm a parrot and my name is Ebenezer." The burglar laughs again and says, "Ebenezer is a pretty silly name for a parrot." The parrot looks him in the eye, waits until he has stopped laughing and says, "I agree completely and Jesus is a pretty silly name for a rotweiler."

November 29, 2003

During the pre-season, a football game was scheduled between the Oakland Raiders and the Denver Broncos. With sloppy planning from the league, many things went wrong including transportation mistakes, hotel reservation errors and even the starting time of the game. When the Broncos arrived at 3Com Park, there wasn't enough time to play the entire game. After several possessions and impressive performances, the game was tied at 28-28 late in the third quarter. After the Broncos kicked off, the Raiders returned the ball to their own 41-yard line before the referees blew the whistle and announced that the league had informed them the game was over. The Broncos walked off the field and returned to the buses. Three plays later, the Raiders scored and won the game.

November 28, 2003

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. "Jake," she said. "Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice, "I have to talk. I must confess." "There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right." "No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you." Jake stroked her hand. "Now, Becky, don't be concerned, I know all about it," he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"

November 27, 2003

The first mate was found to be drunk one day and that day it happened to be the captain's turn to write in the ship's log so he wrote, "The first mate was drunk today." When the first mate saw that he begged and pleaded to the captain to remove that entry but the captain argued that once an entry was made in the company's log it couldn't be deleted. The first mate decided to get even. The next time it when it was the first mate's turn to write in the log, he wrote, "The captain was sober today."

November 26, 2003

A woman goes to the doctor's and says, "Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me. Every time I go to the bathroom, dimes come out!" The doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week. A week later the woman returns and says, "Doctor, Doctor, it's gotten worse! Every time I go to the bathroom, quarters come out!! What's wrong with me?" Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week. Another week passes and the woman returns and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I'm still not getting better! Every time I go to the bathroom, half-dollars come out! What the heck is wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Relax, Relax, you're just going through your change!"

November 25, 2003

There was a little fellow named Junior who hung out at the local grocery store. The manager didn't know what Junior's problem was, but the boys liked to tease him. The boys said he was two bricks short of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes the boys offered Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always took the nickel, they said, because it was bigger. One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Junior said, "No sir, you see if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

November 24, 2003

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm on the road a lot," she says, "and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me." The psychiatrist asks, "Don't you have a phone in your car?" "That was a little too expensive," the blonde answered, "so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car. The psychiatrist hesitated, "Uh ... how's that working?" The blonde says, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet." "And why do you think that is?" the psychiatrist asks. The blond replies, "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

November 23, 2003

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?" "Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"

November 22, 2003

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates. The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, but occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO." St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"

November 21, 2003

Panicking when her two-year-old swallowed a tiny magnet, the mother rushed him to the emergency room. "He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two." "How will I be sure?" she pressed. "Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator and when he falls off, you'll know."

November 20, 2003

Every December it was the same excruciating tradition. Our family would get up at the crack of dawn, go to a Christmas tree farm and tromp across the snow in search of the perfect tree. Hours later our feet would be freezing, but Mom would press on, comvinced the tree of her dreams was "just up ahead." One year I snapped. "Mom, face it. The perfect tree doesn't exist. It's like looking for a man. Just be satisfied if you can find one that isn't dead, doesn't have too many bald spots and is straight."

November 19, 2003

An old man living alone on a farm wrote to his only son, Bubba, in prison. "Dear Bubba: I'm feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. Wish you were here - I know you would take care of it for me. Love Dad." About a week later, the farmer received this letter. "Dear Dad: Don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the bodies. Love, Bubba." The next morning, FBI agents stormed the property and dug up the entire garden. They didn't find any bodies, though, so they apologized to the old man and left. Soon the farmer received another letter. "Dear Dad: Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Bubba."

November 18, 2003

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong for?" asked the friend. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? How's it work?" "Watch," said the drunk. He picked up the hammer and gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "Hey, you jerk. It's three in the morning!"

November 17, 2003

Rich Texans are fabled for their grand style but when one oil tycoon appeared at a local golf course followed by a servant pulling a foam-cushioned chaise-lounge, his opponents thought that was taking style too far. "J.R., are you going to make that poor caddie lug that couch all over the course after you?" he was asked. "Caddie, my eye," explained J.R. "That's my psychiatrist."

November 16, 2003

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch all the fish?"

November 15, 2003

A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in Latin America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is. "This temple is 2503 years old", replies the guide. Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure. "Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 2500 years old, and that was three years ago."

November 14, 2003

At a party an elderly lady was bemoaning the behavior of the youth of today. “Look at the girl over there,” she complained. “I don’t know what young girls are coming to! She’s wearing boy’s jeans, a boy’s shirt, and that haircut is so boyish - you wouldn’t know she was a girl at all, would you?” “Well, as it happens, I would,” came the reply, “ because she is my daughter.” “Oh dear,” said the old lady embarrassed, “I’m so sorry - I didn’t know you were her father.” “I’m not, I’m her mother.”

November 13, 2003

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said. "I know," the owner said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained." The contractor said, "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake, but when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

November 12, 2003

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

November 11, 2003

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

November 10, 2003

The visiting church school supervisor asks Little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him. The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident. The principal replies that he knows Little Johnny, as well as his whole family, very well and can vouch for him. If Little Johnny said that he did not do it, he as principal, is satisfied that it is the truth. Even more appalled the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story. After listening he replies, "I cannot see why you are making such a big issue out of this. We will get three bids and fix the darned wall."

November 9, 2003

Early one morning a man called for a taxi to take him to the airport, which was a couple miles down the highway. He patiently waited about thirty minutes and called the taxi company again to say that their cab had not arrived. The dispatcher assured the gentleman that it was on the way. However, several minutes later, he was still waiting. He had to call a third time, saying, "I need that taxi in a hurry. I've got to make that flight to the West Coast that is due to leave in thirty minutes." The young lady on duty at the taxi company said, "I'm sorry for the delay. Your cab should be there any second now. But, don't worry. I'm sure you won't miss your plane because that flight is always late taking off." "Well, one thing's for sure," the man said, "it will be very late taking off this morning because I'm the pilot."

November 8, 2003

A farmer rushed to his phone one day to report that his nearest neighbor's house was on fire. He promptly called 911 to report the fire. In the calmest voice he could muster, he reported the fire was at his neighbor's house two miles down the road. The dispatcher asked, "How do we get there?" The farmer hesitated a few seconds then asked, "Don't you guys have those big red trucks anymore?"

November 7, 2003

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say..." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

November 6, 2003

It was the annual baseball game between the townspeople and the prisoners. When his turn at bat came up, the leading hitter of the prison team took a vicious swing and sent the ball zooming into the far reaches of the outfield. He rounded first. He rounded second. He rounded third. He headed for home. They finally caught him between third base and the border.

November 5, 2003

Two anthropologists fly to the south sea islands to study the natives. They go to two adjacent islands and set to work. A few months later one of them takes a canoe over to the other island to see how his colleague is doing. When he gets there, he finds the other anthropologist standing among a group of natives. "Greetings! How is it going?" says the visiting anthropologist. "Wonderful!" says the other, "I have discovered an important fact about the local language! Watch!" He points at a palm tree and says, "what is that?" The natives, in unison, say "Umbalo-gong!" He then points at a rock and says, "and that?" The natives again intone "Umbalo-gong!" "You see", says the beaming anthropologist, "they use the SAME word for 'rock' and for 'palm tree'!" "That is truly amazing!" says the astonished visiting anthropologist, "On the other island, the same word means 'index finger'!"

November 4, 2003

A traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm. "Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night." Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!" "Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."

November 3, 2003

The little cowboy, "Shorty," was leaving the bar to get on his horse for the ride back to the ranch, when he noted that someone had painted his horse green. Enraged, he went back into the bar and shouted, "Who's the dirty, rotten rat that painted my horse green?!" A big burly guy stood up and said, "I did. Got a problem with that?" "None," says Shorty, "just wanted to let you know he was dry and ready for the 2nd coat."

November 2, 2003

A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+. Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?" The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."

November 1, 2003

A police officer pulls over Tony, who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to Tony's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." Tony says, "Sorry, officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack." The Officer replies, "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." Tony says, "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." Again the Officer replies, "Well, then we need a urine sample." Tony answers, "I'm sorry officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar." "Alright then, I need you to come out here and walk this white line," the Officer says. Tony says, "I can't do that, officer." The Officer replies, "Why not?" Tony says, "Because I'm too drunk to do that."


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