These are November Jokes O' The Day

Previous Daily Quotes:

Punctuality is the politeness of kings...
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday...
Most amusements only mean trying to win another person's money...
The true charter of liberty is independence, maintained by force...
The best thing about animals is that they don't talk much...
Life is a fatal complaint, and an eminently contagious one...
Nothing is so unbelievable that oratory can't make it believable...
Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises...
The heart has its reasons which reason does not know...
In America there are two classes of travel; first class, and with children...
Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up...
The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken...

Today's Joke - November 18, 2005

Susan pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure her Labrador Retriever had fresh air. He was stretched out on the back seat, and Susan wanted to impress upon him that he must remain there. She walked to the curb backward, pointing her finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that Susan was a blonde, gave her a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

Today's Joke - November 16, 2005

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him, "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat." The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

Today's Joke - November 14, 2005

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works, even the urinal's are gold!" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone."Yes it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!"

Today's Joke - November 13, 2005

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Mt. Sterling, Ky.  After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.  The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Kentuckian. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Today's Joke - November 12, 2005

Bubba-Joe and Lester were talking one afternoon when Bubba-Joe tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again." Lester asked Bubba-Joe, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Bubba-Joe said. "This year I'm taking Marie with me."

Today's Joke - November 11, 2005

The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft. "Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay you jerks four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump." "You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to gripe about the salary."

Today's Joke - November 10, 2005

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor." "No, from skipping."

Today's Joke - November 9, 2005

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."

Today's Joke - November 7, 2005

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will. "To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million." The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million." The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will--well you are wrong." The lawyer then looked at Dan, smiled and said, "Hi Dan!"

Today's Joke - November 6, 2005

A couple were throwing a dinner party for all the major bigwigs in town. The wife was very excited about the party and wanted everything to be just perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any escargot, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with a bucket and gather some snails. Grudgingly, he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would just come down the beach and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails for the dinner party. All of a sudden he looked up and the beautiful woman was standing over him. They got to talking and she invited him back to her place for a drink. Well one thing led to another, and the man ended up spending the night at her place. At 7 AM the next morning he woke up and shouted, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!" Quickly he gathered up all of his clothes, grabbed his bucket of snails, ran out the door and down the beach. He ran up the stairs to his beach house. He was in such a hurry when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails, strewing snails all the way down the stairs. Just then the door opened, and a very angry wife was standing over him demanding to know where he had been all this time. He looked at the snails on the steps, then looked at his wife, then back at the snails and cried, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

Today's Joke - November 4, 2005

The President slips away from his secret service personnel one night and goes for a walk. He sees a lake and decides to take a swim. He is splashing around in the lake when he starts to have trouble. Three good ol' boys see him and realize that the man in the lake is drowning. They jump in and save him, pulling him to shore. When they got him out of the water, they realized who they had saved. "Gosh, you're the President!" They exclaim. The President says "Yes, I am, and for saving me, I'll give you the one thing you've always wanted. Just name it and it's yours." The first guy wants a new pickup truck, so the President tells him to go pick it out. The second guy wants a new deer rifle, so the President tells him to go pick it out. The third guy tells the President that what he wants is a white marble headstone that says 'Here lies a country boy who risked his life to save the President of the United States'. The President asks him why he wants that. The third guy answers, "Once my daddy finds out I didn't let you drown, he's gonna kill me!"

Today's Joke - November 2, 2005

This bloke went into a pub with his wife, sat down at the bar and said to the bartender, "Mate, please give me a beer before it starts." The bartender poured him a beer and the bloke knocked it back in one gulp. "Give me another beer before it starts, thanks mate." said the bloke. The bartender had no idea what the bloke was talking about, but poured him another anyway and watched it disappear the way of the first one. "Quick mate," said the bloke, "give me another beer before it starts." As he's pouring the beer, the bartender said, "Look mate, there's nothing starting here tonight. The dancers are on Friday, and the band is on Saturday." The bloke ignored him and just demanded another beer before it started. "Listen dear," his wife interrupted, "I think you've had enough to drink." "See mate," said the bloke to the bartender, "it's started."

Today's Joke - November 1, 2005

A blonde was tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

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