JOKE O' THE DAY ARCHIVES
These are October Jokes O' The Day

Previous Daily Quotes:

Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering...
Nothing is more terrible than activity without insight...
It is never too late to be what you might have been...
Habit will reconcile us to everything but change...
Nature never makes any blunders; when she makes a fool she means it...
A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections...
Fanaticism consists in redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your aim...
Time makes more converts than reason...
If you can't see the bright side, polish the dull side...
Great mountains of happiness grow out of little hills of kindness...
Thanksgiving is when one species stops gobbling and another starts...
The surest way to get somewhere is to know where you are going...
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't...
Live one day at a time and make it a masterpiece...
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to look for it...
The reward of a thing well done is to have done it...

October 17, 2004

Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune. The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish. As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?" The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

October 16, 2004

One of the NATO support ships, somewhere in the waters off Yugoslavia, cut in front of the lead ship, missing it by inches. A few minutes later a young sailor brought a message to the ship's captain, on deck with his junior officers. "It's from the admiral, sir," said the sailor. "Read it aloud, sailor," beamed the captain. "Very well, sir," said the sailor. "You sorry excuse for a deck hand. Your blundering maneuver nearly caused an accident!" the sailor read. "Right, sailor," the captain snapped. "Now go back to the radio room and have that message properly decoded."

October 15, 2004

A new school principal was checking over his school the day before the first school class day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox. Cautiously, he asked the school's long time custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stockroom unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?" The custodian looked at him gravely and said, "We trust them with the children, don't we?"

October 14, 2004

There was a priest who loved to stream fish. One year there was a problem every time he had a chance to go fishing the weather was bad or it was on Sunday, when he had to work. All year he was unable to go. Finally it was the last week before the streams closed. The weather was bad all week until Sunday, when the weather was perfect. The priest could not resist. He called a fellow priest claiming to be very sick and asked if he could take over his sermon. The fly-fishing priest drove over 200 miles, not wishing to see anyone he knew. An angel, seeing the priest playing hooky, went to God and said, "You're not going to let him get away with this are you?" God agreed he should do something. The first cast the priest made was perfect. The fly floated past a log and a huge mouth gulped the fly down. For 45 minutes the priest ran up and down the stream fighting the mighty fish. At the end he held a 50" world record rainbow trout. Confused, the angel asked God, "What are you doing?" God replied, "Think about it. Who's he going to tell?"

October 13, 2004

An elderly lady came to see a young male doctor with her husband. After the consultation was finished, the elderly man suddenly asked the doctor for a piece of paper and a pen. Although a strange request, he complied, and the man quickly wrote something, then handed the folded piece of paper to the doctor. He told him to read it as soon as they had left. The doctor thought that the man perhaps had an embarrassing medical complaint he didn't want to talk about in front of his wife, so the doctor didn't hesitate in obeying the request. Once the couple had left the room, the doctor sat down and read the piece of paper. It's contents were thus: "Doctor, your fly is undone!"

October 12, 2004

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?" "Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight." The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once." "George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?" "Why, George! Your husband! Is this 223-1374? "No, this is 223-1375." "Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number." There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"

October 11, 2004

One day an older fellow was in for a checkup. After his examination, his doctor was amazed. "Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!" "Did I say I was 64?" "Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?" "Damn straight you did! I'm 85!" "85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were 25! How old was your father when he died?" "Did I say he was dead?" "You mean..." "Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!" "My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from! How long did your grandfather live?" "Did I say he was dead?" "No! You can't mean..." "Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!" "126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't think a man would want to get married at that age!" "Did I say he 'wanted' to get married?..."

October 10, 2004

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

October 9, 2004

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him advice, "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped. You should try it too!" Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?" "I did," answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!"

October 8, 2004

A physics professor was very strict about attendance, and despised tardiness. Every student caught arriving to class late (especially those interrupting his lecture) was quickly reprimanded in front of the whole class. Students were quick to comment on the professor's genetics. Well, one day a student entered through the front doors of the lecture hall, while the prof was writing notes on the chalkboard. The professor caught the student out of the corner of his eye (this acute sense of peripheral vision, further supported the rumors of his evolution), and turned to face the student. He demanded, "What do you think you're doing?" Being a science student, one naturally thinks quickly, so the student snapped up and replied, "I came down from the back to get a better look at the board." The professor smiled.

October 7, 2004

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?" He says, " Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"

October 5, 2004

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" they asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail." "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!" "A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry."

October 4, 2004

Years ago it was required that in order for a student to receive credit for a particular course, a card (listing of his/her courses) had to be signed by the instructor/lecturer. It was, at the time, policy that students attend their courses. But depending on the size of the class, it was often quite possible to receive credit, even after not attending the class regularly. Not so, with this physics professor - if he didn't recognize you, you would have to repeat the course (and attend!). On one occasion, a student handed his card to be signed. The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "I've never seen you in my class," and handed back the card. Now being a science student, he naturally thought quickly, and proceeded to the end of the line. When he was at the front again, he handed his card to the prof. The prof looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "You look familiar. OK", and signed the card.

October 3, 2004

Josh goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" Josh replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" Josh then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls Josh and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" Josh anxiously says, "Yes." "Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

October 2, 2004

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him. To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

October 1, 2004

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this." Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get." The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being. Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine. "I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face. The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he sputtered. "On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good." "But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed. "Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."


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