JOKE O' THE DAY ARCHIVES
These are October Jokes O' The Day

Previous Daily Quotes:

What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it...
If poverty is the mother of crime, stupidity is its father...
Each success only buys an admission ticket to a more difficult problem...
Vanity plays lurid tricks with our memory...
What we do today will have an accumulated effect on all our tomorrows...
Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known...
It's the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter...
By nature, men love newfangledness...
No question is so difficult to answer as that to which the answer is obvious...
Beware the wrath of a quiet man...
The cost of liberty is less than the price of repression...
Let us give Nature a chance; she knows her business better than we do...
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire...

Today's Joke - October 31, 2005

There were three blokes talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke remained quiet. After awhile one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two blokes were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!'."

Today's Joke - October 29, 2005

A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbor's house each month. Of course the lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over. A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms because they are too expensive." He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed." She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison." He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them." After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some. She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty. Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class. After everyone had finished they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit. About this time the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died." With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We will pump out everyone's stomach and everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm." It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases and a stomach pump and the doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one they took each person into the master bedroom and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, I think everything will be fine now, and he left. They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped."

Today's Joke - October 23, 2005

The doctor was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. He placed the patient 20 feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," the doctor requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the big E on the top line. The doctor turned and discovered that the patient had done exactly what he had asked. He was standing there with both of his eyes covered with his hands.

Today's Joke - October 22, 2005

Two deputies in the Sheriff's Office, one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had just transferred, answered an emergency call. When they walked into the house, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side. "No doubt about it," the new deputy said, "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." "You're right," the experienced deputy replied. "But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say, 'It could have been worse'." "No way. You're on." The old sheriff arrived at the scene. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide." After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse." The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this house, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse." "Yes, it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me!"

Today's Joke - October 19, 2005

Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes one Saturday afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th hole, he sliced into the rough over near the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, Goerge removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed. Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth. Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greeted George. "Say, that was a nice gesture you made today George." "What do you mean?" asked George. "I mean it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied. "Oh, yes," said George. "We would have been married thirty years next month."

Today's Joke - October 13, 2005

Shortly after the birth of their second child, her husband offered to take her shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated. As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband's opinion. By this time, he had learned just the right things to say. "It's perfect!" he exclaimed. "It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer and slenderizes your hips." Just then, a voice from the dressing room piped up. "If there's a dress here that will do all that- I'll take ten!"

Today's Joke - October 12, 2005

Two eminently successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same building. One was forty years old, the other was over seventy. They rode on the elevator together at the end of an unbearably hot, sticky day. The younger man was completely done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior was fresh as a daisy. "I don't understand", he marveled, "how can you listen to drooling patients from morning till night on a day like this and still look so spry and unbothered when it's over?" The older analyst said simply, "Who listens?"

Today's Joke - October 11, 2005

Years ago it was required that in order for a student to receive credit for a particular course, a card (listing of his/her courses) had to be signed by the instructor/lecturer. It was, at the time, policy that students attend their courses. But depending on the size of the class, it was often quite possible to receive credit, even after not attending the class regularly. Not so, with this physics professor...if he didn't recognize you, you would have to repeat the course (& attend!). On one occasion, a student handed his card to be signed. The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "I've never seen you in my class," and handed back the card. Now being a science student, he naturally thought quickly, and proceeded to the end of the line. When he was at the front again, he handed his card to the prof. The prof looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "You look familiar. OK," and signed the card.

Today's Joke - October 10, 2005

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor."

Today's Joke - October 8, 2005

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books. Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't got no crayons." "Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, 'I don't have any crayons. You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons.' Do you see what I'm getting at?" "Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them crayons?"

Today's Joke - October 3, 2005

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man anxiously says, "Yes." "Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

Today's Joke - October 2, 2005

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness, or a death in the student"s immediate family. A smart ass student in the back of the class waved his hand and spoke up, "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

Today's Joke - October 1, 2005

A man was leaving church one day. The Pastor was standing at the door (as he always is) to shake hands with members of the congregation. He grasped the man by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." The Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "Shhhhhhhhh. I'm in the secret service."


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