JOKE O' THE DAY ARCHIVES
These are September Jokes O' The Day

Previous Daily Quotes:

Only a chance can be fat and slim at the same time...
Hardship is unavoidable, but misery is optional...
If you feel like you can take it or leave it, maybe you never had it...
Hide your fears but share your courage...
Worry wastes today's time cluttering tomorrow's opportunities with yesterday's troubles...
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood...
Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one...
The moment a man talks to his fellows he begins to lie...
God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December....
Curiosity is, in great and generous minds, the first passion and the last....
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names....
Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due...
Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want...
The injuries we do and those we suffer are seldom weighed in the same scales...
Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest...
Next to ingratitude, the most painful thing to bear is gratitude...
If you are foolish enough to be contented, don't show it, but grumble with the rest...
A sharp tongue is the only edge tool that grows keener with constant use...
A cloudy day, or a little sunshine, have as great an influence on misfortunes...
In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments - there are consequences...
Only when a man's life comes to its end in prosperity dare we pronounce him happy...
There is the greatest practical benefit in making a few failures early in life...
A teacher affects eternity: he can never tell where his influence stops...
Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to teach children...
An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble...
Good can imagine Evil: but Evil cannot imagine Good...
You have to be efficient if you're going to be lazy...
The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be...
The real act of discovery is not in finding new lands, but in seeing with new eyes...

September 30, 2004

"Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me walking down the hallway at work. "Hear what?" I asked, my curiosity peaked. "The regional vice president died this morning!" "What?" I asked, totally stunned. "What happened?" "He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack," Jim began explaining. "Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the one." "Boy do I. She's that young blonde babe" "Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too smart, though." "What do you mean?" I asked. "He kept yelling at her to 'call 9 1 1'. She just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number."

September 29, 2004

Joe and Obie went hunting every year on opening day of duck season. This year, they decided to borrow a neighbor's retriever, a dog named Buck, so they wouldn't have to wade out after any birds that fell into the lake when they shot them. They had good luck that day and bagged several plump ducks. Whenever a duck fell into the water, either Joe or Obie would send Buck out after it. And each time the dog went after a downed duck, he would pause momentarily at the water's edge. Then Buck would trot calmly across the surface of the lake to retrieve the bird. This unusual performance always caused Joe and Obie to glance wide-eyed at each other and shake their heads in wonder. At the end of the day, Joe and Obie drove back by way of the neighbor's home to return Buck and thank the retriever's owner for the loan. "Did the dog do a good job?" asked its owner. "Yes," said Joe, "he brought in all the ducks that fell into the lake." "Great," said the dog's owner, "but did you notice anything special about Buck?" "Well, we didn't want to mention it," said Obie, "but we saw that you taught him just about everything a dog needs to know about duck hunting, except how to swim."

September 28, 2004

A premed student at Washington University had to take a difficult class in physics. One day, the professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" "To save lives," the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted. "It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.

September 27, 2004

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing." The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil." The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Damn, hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?" Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there." The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?" Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said , "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those damn Texans have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning!"

September 26, 2004

There were two old boys from Alabama who loved to fish. They wanted to do some ice fishing that they'd heard about in Canada, so they took off to try it. The lake was frozen nicely, so they stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick." After they got their equipment, they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks." He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got." The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?" "Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the stupid boat in the water yet."

September 25, 2004

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?" "Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded. "Would you please pass it to me," the judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him. After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court." "We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman. The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?" The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

September 24, 2004

A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again. The next day, when the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused, scowled with an icy and deadly stare, and said with a hoarse voice, "Yes?" The bird, strutting back and forth on its perch in a cocky manner, said, "You know."

September 23, 2004

Mrs. Jones began to get nervous when dark fell and her husband hadn't returned from his regular Saturday golf game. Dinnertime came and went and she became more and more anxious, so when she heard his car pull in, she rushed out to the driveway. "Where've you been? I've been worried sick!" she exclaimed. "Harry had a heart attack on the third hole," her husband explained. "Oh, no, That's terrible." "You're telling me," moaned her husband. "All day long it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry..."

September 22, 2004

A professor stood before his class of 20 senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer break. So that no one gets their GP messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a "B" for the course." There was much rejoicing among the class as students got up, passed by the professor to thank him and sign out on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Any one else? This is your last chance." One final student rose up and took the offer. The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself," he said. "You all have "A's."

September 21, 2004

In a traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time. A wild gleam came into the judge's eye. "You're a schoolteacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a school teacher in this court. Sit down at that table and write, 'I went through a red light' 500 times!"

September 20, 2004

A large two-engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance, one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement, "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."

September 19, 2004

A man dies and finds himself in a small room that has a couch and TV set in it. There's another fellow sitting on the couch watching TV. The new arrival asks the man on the couch, "So, is this heaven or hell?" The man looks up and says, "Well, there's no windows or doors, and no apparent way out." "Oh," says the first guy. "So it's hell?" "Well," says the other guy, without looking up from the screen, "but they did give us this nice big TV set." "I see. So maybe it's heaven?" "Yeah, but the TV has only one channel." "Oh, so maybe it's hell?" "Well, but the TV station it gets is pretty good--it's PBS." "Oh, so maybe it is heaven after all?" "Yeah, except for one thing," the other fellow says, sadly. "It's ALWAYS pledge week."

September 18, 2004

On their way to a Justice of the Peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. When St. Peter comes to Heaven's gate, they ask if they can get married in Heaven. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has ever asked. I'll find out." The couple waits a couple of months and they begin to wonder if they really want to marry in Heaven and for all eternity. What if it doesn't work out? Are they stuck together forever? Another month goes by and St. Peter, looking rather bedraggled, tells the couple, "Yes, you can get married in Heaven." "Great," the couple says, "but what if it doesn't work out? Could we get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard to the ground and yells, "Jeez, it took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take me to find a lawyer?"

September 17, 2004

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous. "Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him." "Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis, "I'll play him." "I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Seagall. "I'd like to play him." Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?" Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."

September 16, 2004

An old farmer is outside for a walk around his land when he sees a sign on his neighbor's lawn: "Horse for Sale." Curious, he decides to have a look. As he approaches his neighbor's stable, he sees his old Italian friend brushing down a fine looking stallion. "Hello friend, I saw your sign out there and came over to see your horse for sale." Now, the Italian farmer speaks very poor English, but manages to answer well enough. "Yep, yep, disa is da horse for-a sale." "This horse here?" quizzes the old farmer. "Why he's a fine horse! Why ever would you sell him?" "Well," sighs the Italian farmer, "He no looka so good anymore." The old farmer, convinced that his neighbor has lost his mind, makes the sale and leads the horse across his field over to the stable. As he taps the horse gently on the back to coax him into the stable, he watches as the horse misses the door completely and smacks head first into the wall. "That old cheat sold me a near blind horse!" growls the old farmer. He then proceeds to storm over across the field, reigns in hand, to give his neighbor a piece of his mind. "You sold me a near blind horse you old cheat and you didn't even tell me!" he screams. "Eh! I tolla you!" cries the Italian farmer. "I say, 'he no looka so good anymore!'"

September 15, 2004

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large." Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?" The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

September 13, 2004

A teacher died and went to heaven. St. Peter welcomed her in and said he would show her to her place in heaven. The first neighborhood was lovely. People were out on the park-like lawns, socializing, Bar-B-Q-ing, playing golf on a beautifully landscaped golf course, and having a fine time. "Oh, this is wonderful," says the school teacher to St. Peter. "Is this where I'll be staying?" "No, this is the doctors' area," replied St. Peter. They continue the journey and come to another beautiful neighborhood. Again everyone is outside socializing. People are on tennis courts, swimming in pools. "My, this IS paradise," gushed the teacher, "is this my neighborhood?" "No, no, the teacher's area is next." They move on among the clouds until they reach an equally beautiful neighborhood, but no one is outside. No one is visible anywhere and the houses appear to be closed and empty. "Well, here we are," said St. Peter with a smile. "Isn't this a fine place to be?" "Yes," replied the teacher with noticeable disappointment in her voice. "Don't many teachers make it to heaven? I don't see anyone else here." "Sure, we get lots of teachers. Don't worry they'll all be here tomorrow. They're just down in hell for another inservice."

September 12, 2004

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

September 11, 2004

A fellow walks into a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender if he'd like to hear a good Notre Dame joke. "Listen buddy," he growled. "See those two big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the Notre Dame football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at Notre Dame. That guy in the corner was Notre Dame's all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered in three sports at Notre Dame. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?" "Nah, guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

September 10, 2004

An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears. "Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here." "Calm down. How long have you been like this?" "Like what?"

September 9, 2004

Grandma Woods, from the valley, had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation. By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress - especially, the mattress. Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded. "If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button." "What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked. "No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied. "A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."

September 8, 2004

Jim was in a terrible wreck. He was taken to the hospital where he remained comatose for two weeks and when he awake he was ravenous. Finding the call button he rang for the nurse and asked if he could have something to eat. She told him, "You have a broken jaw and it is wired shut. I can't think of anything that you could eat in that condition." "Well, could I 'pwease' have a cup of coffee?" Jim asked through his clenched jaw. "We'll try," the nurse told him. "Maybe we can get a straw between your teeth." But try as they would, it just wouldn't go. Jim grumbled and moaned and swore he was going to die without coffee until the nurse finally said, "Maybe we could give it to you in an enema." She fixed up the syringe and began to administer it when suddenly Jim winced and drew up. "Is it too hot?" the nurse asked. "No, but could you please put some sugar in it?"

September 7, 2004

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick. Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it," he admitted. The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said, "Yes," and goes on his way. Well, five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher, "I can't find it." Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom. So, Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy, "Well, did you find it?" Tommy is quick with his reply, "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."

September 6, 2004

A new school principal was checking over his school the day before the first school class day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox. Cautiously, he asked the school's long time custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stockroom unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?" The custodian looked at him gravely and said, "We trust them with the children, don't we?"

September 5, 2004

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

September 4, 2004

Two men from Canada were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something. The first man says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you." After about three hours, the second man finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo. The next morning, the first man finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the first man if he did what he told him to do. The man answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."

September 3, 2004

Caller ID has opened new opportunities for Level II (and beyond) folks to prove their qualifications as potential doorknobs. I called a wrong number recently, and realized my mistake when no one answered after several rings. That afternoon I received a call from a woman. "I'm Mrs. Jones. Did you call me today?" "I don't remember calling you. But I dialed a wrong number today and that might have been yours." "How could you dial my number by mistake? It's unlisted!"

September 2, 2004

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" "Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked. "Well," said the policeman, very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

September 1, 2004

The marriage between the elderly farmer and his young wife was not working out too well, so the farmer consulted his doctor for advice. “The next time you’re down in the field plowing and feel a yearning for your wife,” said the doctor, “don’t wait until lunch time or the end of the day, but quit what you’re doing and go to the house.” “I tried that,” said the farmer, “but by the time I get to the house, I am so tuckered out, it’s no use.” The doctor thought for a minute.“Take your shotgun with you when you leave the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the gun and she will come down there where you are.” A few weeks later the two men met on the street. “How did it work out?” asked the doctor. “Fine, the first three days,” said the farmer, “then the hunting season opened and I haven’t seen her since.”


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