JOKE O' THE DAY ARCHIVES
These are September Jokes O' The Day

Previous Daily Quotes:

Opportunities multiply as they are seized...
True love is more than holding hands..it's holding hearts...
Every man has a mob self and an individual self, in varying proportions...
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows...
The cream of life is found where the milk of human kindness flows...
If you need a helping hand, you'll find it at the end of your arm...
An ounce of example is worth a pound of preachment...
Be content with what you have, but never with what you are...
Bad habit is a chain too small to feel until it's too strong to break...
Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest...
Curiosity is one of the permanent and certain characteristics of a vigorous mind...
Progress might have been all right once but it has gone on too long...
Not many sounds in life exceed in interest a knock at the door...
A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street...
No opera plot can be sensible, for in sensible situations people do not sing...
Every man has a mob self and an individual self, in varying proportions...
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams...
Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die...
We must always have old memories and young hopes...

Today's Joke - September 28, 2005

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. "I know," he says, "they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something." They each agree to carry out his wish. Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, "Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't been able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked." At this the priest says, "I, too, have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as out friend requested." Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says "I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars."

Today's Joke - September 26, 2005

Susan pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure her Labrador Retriever had fresh air. The dog was stretched out on the back seat, and she wanted to impress upon him that he must remain there. She walked to the curb backward, pointing her finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that Susan was a blonde, gave her a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

Today's Joke - September 25, 2005

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" The bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap,or paper towels in the ladies room."

Today's Joke - September 24, 2005

A famous magazine photographer was dispatched to a famous haunted house to get shots of the apparition residing there. In the haunted house, when the clock struck 12 midnight, the apparition appeared on the staircase landing. Amazingly, the apparition posed (like a supermodel) for the photographer! But lighting was very bad at the moment and the camera flash batteries were LOW. Anyway, the photographer snapped away. But the pictures did not come out well because of the low batteries. He later explained to his boss at the magazine this way: 'The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.'

Today's Joke - September 22, 2005

The gate breaks down between heaven and hell. St. Peter comes to examine the damage, and then he calls the devil. "That darn gate broke again," he says. "It's your turn to fix it." "Forget it," says the devil. "My people are too busy." "But we had a deal," says St. Peter, "and if you don't honor it, I'll have to sue you for breach of contract." The devil laughs. "Sure you will. And just where do you expect to find a lawyer?"

Today's Joke - September 21, 2005

Rich is trying to sell a computerized crystal ball he's recently invented to a marketing executive, but the executive is very skeptical. Rich says, "Go ahead and type a question into the crystal ball." The executive types, "Where is my father?" The crystal ball answers, "Your father is fishing in Michigan." The executive says to Rich, "I knew this was bull. My father's been dead for twenty years." The inventor says, "Ask the question in a different way." The executive types in, "Where is my mother's husband?" The computer answers, "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."

Today's Joke - September 19, 2005

According to report, the United States has a bazooka-like gun used for firing dead chickens at aircraft windshields as a safety test. They supposedly sent one of these guns to the United Kingdom for the British to use. Not long after this the British sent the U.S. a memo saying their aircraft windshields must be defective. Not only did they all fail the test but there was also considerable damage to the instruments and even some broken seats! The U.S. reportedly replied that the chickens were to be thawed before using.

Today's Joke - September 18, 2005

A college student walked into his ornithology class and found five birds with bags over their heads so only their feet showed. "What's this?" he asked. "It's an exam," explained the professor. "Your job is to identify each bird by looking at its feet." "What a stupid test," complained the student. "What's your name?" demanded the angered professor. The student pulled up the legs of his pants and answered, "You tell me."

Today's Joke - September 17, 2005

A mother skunk was always in a panic because she couldn't keep track of her two tiny ones. One was named Out and the other In. When Out was in, In was out. One day she saw Out but couldn't find In. She told Out to go out and bring In in. In about twenty seconds, Out brought In in. Surprised, the mother skunk asked, "How did you find him so fast?" The tiny skunk answered, "It was easy. In stinct!"

Today's Joke - September 16, 2005

A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded, "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance."

Today's Joke - September 15, 2005

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."

Today's Joke - September 14, 2005

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.''

Today's Joke - September 12, 2005

Two boys from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to keep from being bitten. Then one of them saw some fireflies and said to his friend, "We might as well give up, they're coming at us with flashlights!"

Today's Joke - September 11, 2005

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

Today's Joke - September 8, 2005

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled." So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," said the fellow. "Did she like it?" His buddy asked. "Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

Today's Joke - September 4, 2005

Little Johnny burst into the house, crying his eyes out. His Mama asked him what the problem was. "Pop and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away." "Now come on, Johnny," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have laughed." "That's what I did, Mama."

Today's Joke - September 3, 2005

Eight year old Johnnie came home from school one day. At the supper table he announced to his mother and father that tomorrow in school they were going to learn about sex education. The next evening at the dinner table Johnnie's mother asked, "Well Johnnie, what did you learn about sex education today?" Johnnie said, "I think the teacher said we should avoid intersections and buy condominiums."

Today's Joke - September 2, 2005

Grandma Woodparsel from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation. By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress - especially, the mattress. Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded. "If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button." "What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked. "No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied. "A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."

Today's Joke - September 1, 2005

The marriage between the elderly farmer and his young wife was not working out too well, so the farmer consulted his doctor for advice. “The next time you’re down in the field plowing and feel a yearning for your wife.” said the doctor, “don’t wait until lunch time or the end of the day, but quit what you’re doing and go to the house.” “I tried that,” said the farmer, “but by the time I get to the house, I am so tuckered out, it’s no use.” The doctor thought for a minute, “Take your shotgun with you when you leave the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the gun and she will come down there where you are.” A few weeks later the two men met on the street. “How did it work out?” asked the doctor. “Fine, the first three days,” said the farmer, “then the hunting season opened and I haven’t seen her since.”


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