GLBT - The Search for Spirituality

Mission

To collect true stories from gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered individuals of all faiths and cultures who have been successful in their search for spiritual connection. These stories will be brought together in one anthology which will depict the struggles and successes of the contributors.

Profile

Renee Evans is a published writer. She is also a former fundamentalist Christian. Renee left this religion at age forty-five, divorced and came out as a gay woman at age fifty. She has realized that there is a great void which exists for gay, lesbian, and transgendered people who feel the need for spiritual connection. Having spent most of her life in Georgia, she is acutely aware of the intolerance so prevalent in conservative Christian society.

Information

Gay, Lesbian, Bi and Transgendered...The Search for Spirituality will be a collection of stories from all over the world - people from different faiths and cultures who have been successful in finding that connection. Uplifting, inspiring, healing and comforting, these stories will guide those who are seeking, and encourage those who thought there was no hope of finding a spiritual home.

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SAMPLE STORY

A Former Catholic Nun

My mother was a convert. When I was three years old she converted to Catholicism. My Dad was Catholic, we were raised Catholic and I didn't know my mother hadn't been until we were much older. We went to Catholic school, and when you do you're constantly being told you could have a vocation. Maybe you could be a priest or a nun. That was a big thing in the early fifties. Now, my family didn't seem to be very religious and I don't remember being drawn to it in particular. But when I was in seventh grade something changed. Maybe it was because I heard it all the time at school, but I started to think that maybe I'd like to be a nun. That lasted for about a year. Then it disappeared.

All through high school I was not attracted to boys. I kept telling myself I was a late bloomer. I had crushes on all these girls but I also knew that meant I was a lesbian and I certainly didn't want to go there. I was terrified of my father; he was a very strict disciplinarian. So, I convinced myself I was going through a phase and wasn't really interested in girls.

I finished high school and went off to college but still found I had no interest in dating. So I began thinking again about joining a convent. At the time I thought it was a religious thing but now I know it was the idea of joining a community of women that sounded nice. It was something I could relate to without admitting to myself what I really felt. So I think in part my going into the convent was motivated by the fact that I was comfortable in a community of women, and what else was I going to do? I didn't want to get married, and back then my dad was telling me, "Well of course you'll get married." It was expected.

As a child I was always told, "When you grow up you can be a nurse, secretary or teacher." Those were the choices at that time. I liked the idea of teaching but I didn't really think much toward a career because my father's idea of a career for me was find a nice guy and get married. So the convent was a viable alternative.

I went to college for one year, applied to be accepted into the Maryknoll Missionary order during that time, and then worked for one year to pay off my college loan and save money for my convent dowry. At the age of nineteen I entered the Maryknoll Novitiate in Valley Park, Missouri. It was a happy time for me but, ultimately I would discover the convent was not my calling. What bothered me the most was the part that women played within the church. The part I liked the most was the community of women. It was during this period that I came to understand how political the Catholic Church was.... and still is. Women were most certainly on the bottom rung of the ladder, and getting anywhere near the top was absolutely out of the question.

That lasted a year and a half and was time I enjoyed, however it was clear to me that I would not stay long term. Living with women was comfortable and the religious part was fine but after the first year when I came home to visit my parents I didn't go to church one time.

When I came back to the convent and we all got together and talked about what we did on our visits home no one said they had been to church. Of course in the convent we were up at 5:30 and everyday was church. We did have certain days off with no chores or classes but even there you were restricted, you didn't turn on the TV unless you were given permission, and that was it.

I was happy enough and enjoyed it but there was a piece of the puzzle missing and I knew I was not going to find it in the convent. So I wound up leaving and going to work. I didn't know exactly what was missing, knew I was looking for something but didn't know what it was. I only knew the convent wasn't it. I moved home to New Jersey and got a job in 1969. By 1971 I was getting married.

They guy was someone I met at work. He was nice, we went out a few dates and then as was always the case, nothing. He sent flowers and wrote me poems. Back then you were supposed to get married and by that time I was ancient, I was twenty three. I thought well, what else am I going to do with my life? I loved kids; I used to earn my extra money babysitting. So I decided I didn't have anything else to do with my life---I wanted kids---so why not get married? I knew that's where we would go if I continued to date him. Six months later we were engaged and six months after that we were married. And meanwhile I had stuffed myself so far back in the closet as the saying goes that the hangers were coming out of my ears. Once I had my two kids I became less enchanted with being married. Along the way there were some red flags I missed about my husband and later realized I had married a man just like my father. He was emotionally and psychologically abusive, the only thing he wasn't was physical, as my father had been.

Because I had no way to support my two kids I stayed in the marriage. There were ups and downs but I did my best. Stayed in the church and sent the kids to Catholic school. My daughter went all the way through but I took my son out after fours year because he didn't like it. He didn't fit so I put him in public school. Meanwhile I was becoming disenchanted with the church.

For a couple of years I continued to go to church at Easter and Christmas, you know, kind of like insurance. But finally after about five years I was sitting in church one time and just asked myself, "What am I doing here? I don't believe this. We're not better than everybody else. Who cares what religion you are? There's one god, get over it." I never went back and neither did the kids. I've never looked back and as a result my life has been broadened.

I was married in 71 and divorced in 2000. All during the marriage I kept having crushes on women, like the kid's teachers. I made up excuses to myself as to why I felt that way and still couldn't admit what I was feeling, even to myself.

One good thing I did for myself was to go back to college while the kids were young, a few classes at the time, and later went on to get my master's degree. I needed a light at the end of the tunnel, a way to support myself so I focused on that. I went to work for the Red Cross after I finished my degree and not too long after that it was like someone flipped a switch and I realized I was still seriously attracted to women and didn't want to be married to a guy. By the time my son graduated I had gotten a divorce.

I was divorced in Feb of 2000. A few weeks later my father died. After that I left the job I loved at the Red Cross and moved to Georgia and a very fundamentalist part of the south.

As far as my spiritual development goes, back in the 70's I had started to read a lot of Edgar Casey because my mom had his book. She and my dad were going to a medium and my ex and I had gone there few times for channeling from her. I kept reading more and more and getting interested in eastern religions. It made sense to me. After I finished graduate school and finally had time to read something that was not about school I picked up some books and started to read on the subject again. That's about where I was, getting reacquainted with reading when I moved to Georgia. Mind you I had been living in a fairly liberal area but I didn't know anybody who meditated or was psychic. But now I had moved to a very fundamentalist area where the first thing people ask is: "Where do you go to church?" And if you don't, they want to drag you to theirs. Imagine my surprise when I discovered there was an enclave of psychics near me. I met people who were into meditation, people who could contact your spirit guides. One woman can not only contact them but she sees them and draws portraits of them.

It's amazing to me to find all these gifted people in a place where you'd least expect it. I took a meditation course on sacred geometry and my life started changing. At the same time I took a course from my chiropractor who was also a Reiki Master. I became a Reiki Master and started doing healing work.

Now I've got a broader spiritual life than I've ever had even though I'm not part of any religion. Very different from where I had been. Now I know there were many reasons for me to end up in Georgia. Things went so smoothly during my divorce and the move that I know it was meant to be.

I have a healing practice, and continue to take courses and expand my spiritual life as well. Everything has manifested perfectly.

News

This is a project I have put together that has caught the interest of two publishers. I do not have a contract, however both publishers have expressed their interest in seeing the finished manuscript. Anyone interested in sharing their stories as a contribution to the book for publication should contact me at the email above. Your submission should contain 1500 - 2000 words. Upon publication of the book, authors whose stories are chosen for publication in the book will receive three hundred dollars to be dispersed as one percent of royalties until a maximun of three hundred dollars is reached. The deadline for submissions is January 31, 2008. Please send your submission along with complete contact information and author bio (two or three sentences) to glbtspiritquest@gmail.com or use the link above. I will acknowledge receipt of your submission via email.