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 DRILL PRESS:
>
> A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
>
> metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you
>
> in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting
>
> the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set
>
> in the corner where nothing could get to it.
>
>
>
> WIRE WHEEL:
>
> Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
> under
>
> the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
> fingerprints
>
> and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it
>
> takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'
>
>
>
> SKILL SAW:
>
> A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
>
>
>
> PLIERS:
>
> Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
> creation
>
> of blood-blisters.
>
>
>
> BELT SANDER:
>
> An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
>
> touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
>
>
>
> HACKSAW:
>
> One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
>
> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
>
> unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
> influence
>
> its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
>
>
>
> VISE-GRIPS:
>
> Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
>
> heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used
>
> to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
>
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
>
> Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
> objects
>
> in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
>
> inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a
>
> bearing race.
>
>
>
> TABLE SAW:
>
> A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
>
> projectiles for testing wall integrity.
>
>
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
>
> Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you
>
> have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
>
> handle firmly under the bumper.
>
>
>
> BAND SAW:
>
> A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
>
> to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more
>
> easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside
>
> of the line instead of the outside edge.
>
>
>
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
>
> A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
> everything
>
> you forgot to disconnect.
>
>
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
>
> Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for
>
> opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing
>
> oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
>
> implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
>
>
>
> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
>
> A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert
>
> common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
>
> butchering your palms.
>
>
>
> PRY BAR:
>
> A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip
>
> or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a
>
> 50 cent part.
>
>
>
> HOSE CUTTER:
>
> A tool used to make hoses too short.
>
>
>
> HAMMER:
>
> Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
> nowadays
>
> is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most
> expensive
>
> parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
>
>
>
> UTILITY KNIFE:
>
> Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
>
> cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
>
> well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids
>
> in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks,
>
> and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
>
> slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
>
>
>
> Son of a b*tch TOOL:
>
> Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
>
> while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your
> lungs.
>
> It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

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Last Updated: 13-Apr-2012