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My name is Rick Otterbein and I have had the knowledge of being HIV+ since April 1986. When I got the news I was in a 3 year relationship which already was a rocky one, and I was living high on the hog in Orlando, Florida. My Partner, Jim , refused to get tested (I think at the time he knew he was + and was just scared). It really devastated my world and I thought my life was over. I started making the necessary arrangements like who would get what and where I should be when I got sick, stupid things like that. I had this notion that I was dying. I now believe that I am living with this disease and that is the attitude to have. About a year later, Jim got very sick. The relationship had gotten better and all in all, things were going good for us. The news of Jim being HIV+ started a chain of events that ended up with us selling all of our things, except what we needed and could move without a lot of expense, and relocated to Richmond, Virginia so that Jim could be near his family (what a joke!). When we got to Richmond, in 1990, Jim was very ill. He was fighting PCP and within a month or two had developed dementia and KS. His whole attitude was that he was dying from this disease and started to make his final arrangements. Two years later (Jim did get better with the help of a wonderful doctor, for a short time) Jim's progress had gotten worse to the point of having to quite work, of which he loved to death!! This really devastated him and he basically gave up. He was in constant pain and really had no life. This was not his nature at all and couldn't bare the thought of where his life was. He basically gave up. He took 26 sleeping pills in the middle of the night and for 24 hours after, did nothing but lay there, semi-comatose. Finally, after clearing his boo-hooing family (who really gave a shit less for him until he was in this state) out of the house and telling him to let go, he passed away. The date was July 28, 1992, which will be a bad day for me for the rest of my life. After burying Jim, I tried to put my life back in order. Taking care of Jim those last two years put me in the worst financial and mental state that I have ever been in. I had a temp job at a bank and with support from all my friends, I got my life put back in order. This included getting rid of most of the things Jim and I accumulated through the years (couldn't stand looking at them anymore) and relocating to an apartment with another friend. In October of that same year, I met Blaine. He had also lost a lover to AIDS and we hit it off great. I pissed a lot of people off by dating this man, as they felt I didn't properly mourn for Jim (oh, those southern bells!). I had mourned for him and with him for the last two years he was with us. Jim made me promise to move on with my life and not let his passing interfere with that. So I did. Well, the relationship with Blaine lasted a year and a half. Blaine was in denial of being positive and when he got sick to the point of having to be hospitalized things really changed. I finally had enough of his drinking and when I found him in bed with another man at his best friends house, I called it quits. This whole time, my health remained very good. I was hired in full time at the bank and was made a supervisor in my department. With all that was going on with Blaine and personal problems not dealt with, my life was a mess again. It started effecting my job and the bank decided it was time to let me go. So, there I was. Unemployed, single and homeless. (Couldn't live in the house Blaine and I were buying together anymore!) I took a good look at my life and didn't like what I saw. It was time to go home. I had also promised Jim before he passed that if I got sick that I would go be with my family. (real important to him, family. Still don't know why.) So once again, I got rid of what I couldn't transport in the move, packed my things and relocated to Grand Rapids, Michigan, which is where I am originally from, to be with my family. I was still in good health and was feeling good. But, that didn't last long. I had stopped taking all meds as they only made me feel worse. I had pretty much given up on the medical system and started looking elsewhere for answers. My health got to the point that I needed to quit work and in January of 1995 I was approved for disability. I decided then it was time to try some of the newer meds that were out, only to have adverse reactions to them. I called it quits with those meds too. I was then introduced to natural healing through a man I dated for six months. He got me to start going to "sweat lodges" which is a Native American spiritual ceremony and started me believing, again, that I would be alright. It worked for a while and my health was great. Now, things aren't so good. I have lost 20 pounds in the last 3 months and really feel like times are getting worse. But, I wasn't taking good care of myself either. I lost six of my front teeth and my body was getting weaker. After being hounded by my friend Bob, I decided I better get on the "cocktail" and see if this would help. I still don't trust them and am scared of what the long term effects will be. I just started them so we will see. I hope that by sharing my story I have shared something with you that will help. I have decided to continue this story as a sort of online journal of my life and to share what it is like to live with HIV. So if you feel like reading more, please feel free to check out the rest of the saga! |
