September 2nd, 1997 - I have been on the "cocktail" for a month, which consists of Noravir, 3TC and D4T. And what a rough month. The side effects have been numerous. I have had to deal with constant diarrhea that even Imodium AD isn't helping with. I have tingling around my lips and they are very dry, the tip of my tongue is numb and I think there is some metal in my mouth at times. I have become extremely tired and have no energy or appetite. How ironic huh? I am supposed to take the Noravir with food!! I have also experienced hives bigger than any I have ever seen, but those have subsided. OH!! and by the way, DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL!! It would have been nice if they would have told me that, before I went out to celebrate my birthday!! I guess this should have been a given, but I guess I really didn't think. All in all it hasn't been that bad and I will continue to believe them when they tell me these things will go away. I will have to be patient, which is really hard for me. I'm one of those that if I don't see quick results, I tend to give up. But because I want to live, I guess I should stick it out (so to speak). I have an appointment today for lab work, so we'll see what is going on then. I will also discuss these side effects that continue to make sure there is not a problem.

I have also attended a great continuum of care conference. I found out there is a wide variety of people out there fighting for us and looking after our needs. These are some wonderful people and I met some I will be calling my friends. What really amazed me was the number of services that are available to those with HIV/AIDS that I wasn't aware of. Did you know there is even education assistance available to us? If you are thinking of going back to work and need more education, there is help for you. In Michigan, if you don't know what is available for services or assistance, and you have a case through the Family Independence Agency (FIA), you can call them and ask to speak with an "Adult Services Worker". If they ask what type of help you need, tell them "I need help accessing resources. If this doesn't get you anywhere, E-mail me and I will try to get you to the right person to help. If you don't have an FIA case, contact your case manager, if you have one, and hound them until they find the help for you. The services are there, and if you need them, get them!

I am also trying to deal with having to find a new place to reside. My current landlord is one of those "scumlords" and after running out of hot water for the millionth time, I've had it. I thought the ten mice trapped in two days was bad. But my body after not showering for two days is much worse!! This has been like this for a while and I've had enough. He even has the balls to come up to use my phone, since he let his get disconnected. (He lives right down stairs.) Being he is a friend, and let me move in without a lease and such, I feel the only thing to do is get out while I can (FAST!!).

Until next time..........

September 16th - I have had a couple of bad days. Someone decided to share their bronchitis with me. Isn't that nice?? I did receive some good news, though. My case manager called me yesterday and told me my viral load has dropped from 200,000 down to 1600. That is good news for me, but I still don't think my quality of life has improved yet. Knowing that I am achieving some results is positive and gives me incentive to keep taking the meds and I hope the quality of life gets better. I'm told it will and I'll just hang in there for another day.

September 23rd - I have decided as of the 19th to stop taking the protease inhibitor "Noravir". The Hershey squirts got the best of me!! I could not keep it under control, even taking Imodium AD, and after 6 weeks and some pretty scary nights waking up wet (I'll leave it at that), it was time to call it quits. I informed my doctor and he decided to switch me to "Crixivan". I started this med yesterday. I hope it works. I am still taking 3TC and D4T as these have had no adverse reactions (thank spirit). They told me to make sure I drank plenty of fluids, as Crixivan doesn't break down in the liver like most meds and some of it goes to the kidneys, creating calcium like deposits, which in turn cause kidney stones. I don't want to have this problem, so I will be drinking a lot, and not alcohol, as this dehydrates your body. Lets see how it goes.

October 3rd - It's payday. Another depressing day, as all my bills get paid (hopefully) and I get little to nothing. But on a good note, I am feeling well and the Crixivan has given me no trouble at this point. Had some blood work done yesterday for the liver, and have another appointment on the 21st to check the viral load before I see the Doctor on November 3rd. Hopefully the viral load has gone down and this stuff is working!!

October 13th - A good day so far. I haven't heard anything from my nurse about the blood work, so I guess all is well. I seem to be tolerating the Crixivan as I have had no adverse effects to date, other than wanting to sleep a lot, which I'm told is an effect of the drug. I am still obsessing about finances. I wish I could forget that I owe a lot, but it's something we all have to deal with. Hopefully I can convince the manager of my part time job to help me out with some more hours, but every time I try, I get some sob story. So, maybe it's time to start looking elsewhere. I have to do something!

October 27th - I have been doing ok with the new meds and have a doctors appointment in a week to see if the blood tests show whether or not they're working. I'll update you on that next week. Right now I want to let you know of another problem I am having to deal with. If you're on social security, you know that what you get doesn't always (or never in my case!!) cover the bills. I had been working part time in one of our local bars to supplement my income (and still try to stay under SS guidelines) and have been let go for reasons I am still questioning myself. (This does not have to do with HIV either.) Now once again I am worrying how I am to pay this stack of bills that are piling up. This is something I now most HIV persons have to deal with and the stress is unbelievable. I know all will work out eventually, but I hate having to face these issues after feeling they were taken care of. If you're in this position also, my heart goes out to you!!

November 5th - I got some good news Monday and I thought I'd share it. My viral load has gone to less than 400, which the doctor considers to be "undetectable". I think this is great and shows that the meds are working. It give me hope that my life is going to continue, and kind of gives me some uneasiness.

The uneasiness stems from the thought of "where do I go from here?" Ok, so I'm undetectable, so, am I to start to considering going back to work? The doctor says no, but he doesn't have my finances. But, I will listen to him, as he should know best. I also am wondering "how long will this last?" These new meds are great, but, is it going to continue to work? I'm trying to look on the brighter side, but don't tell me the thought wouldn't cross you're mind. I have good hopes, and will continue to be positive about this, but these thoughts still linger in the back of my mind and will probably stay there. The new meds are giving us all hope, but we have been here before. I'll put it in spirits hands and just hope for the best.

November 16th - More good things are happening! My friend Tony, who has known me for about 15 years, knew the bar let me go. He had me come to a new restaurant that is opening, and he is managing, and apply for part time work. Well, that didn't pan out, as the owner has everything in place for right now. But, after the interview, he was talking to a lady at the Women's City Club here and they needed help. He gave me a glowing recommendation and I was given a call. So, I am back to work. What a relief!! This bill pile was starting to bother me, but, if all goes well, I won't have to worry about that so much anymore.

December 2nd - Well, Thanksgiving is over and I am turkey'd out. The new jobs seems to be going well, but I had to tell her not to schedule me for so many hours. I was wearing myself out, and that is not good. I have also come down with a cold again, and it's a killer. I'll see the nurse today and discuss what I can and can't take for the cold with the meds I am on. Ya know, I really hate having to think about things like that, but I guess it's something I must do. I don't want to take something that would cause a reaction, or make my meds not work properly. What a pain!!

December 11th - OK, now its time for the "holidays", OH BOY! But, I can learn to enjoy it. Why not? At least I have my family and friends, which is a lot more than some others with HIV can say. And I'm happy. My meds are working OK and I'm having no side effects. I'm working part time so my bills are paid. All in all, life is good. Santa's present to me this year can be another healthy year in 1998. Spirits gift would be a cure for all of us. (I'll keep my fingers crossed.)

Had a pain in my neck (literally!) last week. The nurse tells me it is probably just a pinched nerve, but let me tell you, that sucker hurt!! It also caused about an hour of numb fingers and the color of them was a yellowish green. Thank god that went away cause it looked kind of spooky like that. The pain turned into a stiff neck and I still have that, but it isn't as bad. Some other news is that I have gotten more involved in the area of HIV. I am helping in a project called Men Squared. It is an HIV prevention and education project through McAuley Clinic here in Grand Rapids. I am also now in training as a host in the Positive Thinking Forum in MSN's Lesbian and Gay Forum. This gives me the opportunity to try and reach more people to help them learn about, and try to understand this disease.

January 2, 1998 - Another holiday season over with and a new year ahead. As I reflect back on 1997, I can only think of good things that have happened to me. I have made a lot of new friends and have made many important changes in my life. I am on meds and doing better. I have gotten myself out on my own, in my own place, and have no one to depend upon except myself (and of course family and friends), which believe it or not, is the first time since leaving the military in 1984 that this has happened. I am as close to being financially stable as one can get on Social Security (at least the bills are being paid). And, I have started getting the things I want out of life, two of those being this computer and this web page. All in all, I have no complaints ('cept I'm still single, but I'm working on that). I only hope that for all of our sakes, they make even more headway with this "dis-ease" in 1998 and hopefully we won't have to worry about it in 1999, but that is a lot to ask for.

January 30th - Been almost a month since I've updated and a busy month it has been. Around Christmas, I experienced a pain in the right side of my neck that felt like an electrical shock. My fingers from the base at the palms to the tips went numb and turned a yellowish-green color and my whole right side of my body was in pain. I called and spoke with the nurse and she had me see the doctor a week early because she was concerned. Just before going to see him, I experienced another pain on the left side this time and the fingers didn't go numb, but my right side ached even more. After seeing the Doc, he feels I may have a disc that has slipped, causing pressure on my spine. So, I now have an appointment to see a spine specialist in mid February. The waiting is going to be bothersome, but they couldn't fit me in any sooner. The doc put me on Ibuprofen 800's three times a day for the pain, but it isn't helping any. He doesn't really want to go anywhere else with this until I see the specialist. I have also found that the state of Michigan has given the University of Michigan a grant to help HIV+ individuals get dental work done. I am looking into this so as to finally get the rest of the work done on my teeth and get these rotten damn things out of here! I'll let you all know what I find out in case you may need to access their services. Other than keeping myself extremely busy that's about it for now.

February 13th - A lucky day?? Is for me. Anyway here's the latest. I am doing pretty crappy right now. I'm just waiting patiently until next week when I can get into the spine center to figure out what the hell is going on with my back. The pain is getting worse and I hope they do something about it, before it drives me crazy!! My dad just went through his surgery to remove the tumor in his lung and thank god, all went well. He's up and around and may be ready to go home on Monday. They think they got it all (the cancer) and he should be OK. I hope so.

I've been keeping myself rather busy. Being involved with the Task Force and other local projects has my schedule tight. But I am glad for that cause it sure beats sitting around doing nothing!! And, I feel helping others where I can in dealing with HIV is also helping me cope with it. Kind of a self gratification.

March 12th - Went back to the neurologists (at the Spine Center). She had me do an MRI and x-ray's on my neck and upper back. Of course, in following with my medical history, she found nothing. Which means, I am still living with the pain. She has given me another NSAID, which is an anti-inflammatory drug (I have now been changed 5 times on these meds, and have found nothing to take the pain away). She was also nice enough to give me darvocet, which isn't helping either. She scheduled me for a nerve and muscle test of the right arm, hopefully she finds something then.

As far as the rest of what is going on, I am still keeping myself busy volunteering for my various causes, and this is seeming to start to wear on me as well. Call it burn out, or whatever, But I won't give up. I do need to step back though, and make sure I am not putting my health in jeopardy, trying to do too much. I don't think I am, and feel I need to continue, so I guess some prioritization is in order.

March 31st - OK, saw this neurologist for the last time. She preformed a procedure which stimulated my nerves and muscles to determine whether or not there was damage, of which she found once again nothing. To my dismay, she once again had me make some movements like raising my arms and such and proceeded to tell me she now felt it is "ONLY" tendonitis of the shoulder. She wanted to schedule me for some PT and I explained my spend down situation, which makes regular PT, as she wants, unaffordable. She said there were some exercises I could do at home and sent me on my way. She didn't refill my pain meds, even after me telling her these weren't working either. I am now going to an appointment with my case manager tomorrow and hopefully she will tell me where we go from here. What really bends my crank is that this woman made me go through all of these expensive procedures (medical bills I owe are now around $2000) only for me to continue to have pain, and no clear understanding of what to do next.

April 14th - Went in to see my Case Manger, which I found out has recently left our clinic. Things were kind of up in the air as to who would be handling my case at that time, which frustrated me even more with all that is going on. I am at the point now where I am getting no help with the situation of the pain in my right side. My primary doctor will do nothing except go by the recommendations of the neurologist, which I am not comfortable with, but agreed to. I am still having a hell of a time getting any assistance in getting some dental work done. This is a very big problem for us with HIV as infections in the mouth are only helping out other infections in the body. One of my friends teeth are so bad he can't even eat, which doesn't help the wasting at all. I have been told the state of Michigan has granted U of M some money for dental work on HIV+ individuals, however, accessing these funds as become another living hell all in itself. And on it goes......

May 1st - I have been assigned a new Case Manager and his name is Jon. Due to him just taking my case on, there has been a lot of confusion as to what my old one was doing for me. I am trying to bring him up to date, but it's hard. I am now waiting for Jon to contact my old case manager to get information from her as to what she was told about using the dental clinic at the U of M, and I am supposed to supply this and a document of what happened when I went for my appointment to the Director of the HAPIS (HIV/AIDS Prevention and Intervention Section) office. He will do some investigating as to why I am not able to access the Title 3B funds the university has been granted.

As far as my pain problems, I have started Physical Therapy at home to treat tendonitis of the shoulder. They say it will take a couple of months for the pain to subside while the therapy heals the damaged tendons. I have chose to not take any pain medicine, as all they would be willing to prescribe was NSAID's which cause stomach problems, of which I have too much already. Besides, they didn't help anyway.

I do continue to keep myself busy with my volunteer work and it is getting to be the busy time of the year for those activities. I have also started a new web page for the task force, so look for the new link soon on my links page. There is one there now, but it should change to our own domain real soon.

May 18th - I have been having some ups and downs lately, a lot being emotional. The ups have been that I was finally able to get back to the sweat lodge that I attend, and it was the first time in two months. It was good to see that family again and being able to speak with spirit. I have also gotten the Michigan's Persons Living with HIV/AIDS Needs Task Force on their own domain at www.mipwa.org and I am very excited at the possibilities this brings for the PWA community here in Michigan. My health remains good and all in all things are going pretty well.

The downs aren't really that bad. It's just the same old financial crap we PWA's have to deal with on a daily basis, and the fact that my receiver blew up and almost took one of my Bose speakers with it.... Damn the bad luck!! I am one who turns to music when feeling out of sorts, and this is a major bummer. Also, for some reason lately, I have been dealing with a lot of feelings of loneliness. It's really weird too, because I have all of these wonderful people around me, and I am busy as hell with all of my volunteer work, but I am still feeling this way. Maybe it's because I am tired of being single?? Who knows? But, I'll work on finding out what it's all about eventually. After all, it's getting to be summer and the nice weather is getting me out more. Until next time folks!

June 7th - Some interesting developments have begun in the Grand Rapids area. Due to some PWA concerns about services at a couple of agencies here, there has been some research done and we have found that even though we were once ahead of the game with HIV, that we have become a little slack in moving with the evolving epidemic. The council has acted and hopefully things will change for the better. On another note, my best friend has been involved in a head on collision. Fortunately he is OK, but has severe broken legs. He will be down for about 6-8 weeks. I have been helping out take care of him and have realized how lucky I really am. Here it's been 12 years that I have lived with this "dis-ease" and I am probably healthier than most of the people I know. I think this has a lot to do with my attitude and outlook on life. I would like to think so.

July 1st - I want to share with you a very enjoyable experience I had last week. A group from Detroit called WINGS, which is a PWA social group, held a week long outdoor retreat at Long Lake in Yankee Springs, MI. I have never met any of these people before, but I must say they are a great bunch of people. The week was spent getting to know one another through various scheduled, and not so scheduled events. But mostly, it was a time to get away, with others who are HIV+ and just relax and enjoy life. My friends Rich & Wanda were even so gracious as to let me take their jet ski with me to enjoy. All in all I had a wonderful time and met a lot of new friends. I was asked by someone on our side of the state, who was also there, to help start a group of this nature here and could only reply with "Why not just expand what has already been started and include ourselves in with them?" I think this group has a good thing going because it's like a support group, but it's not done in a usual support group type setting. It is more a social thing where you are just "with" the group and attend various "functions" throughout the year. And everyone has something in common. It also helped that I met someone special there and will be getting to know him a little better real soon. I will update you on that as it progresses.

Also, on another note, I have applied to become an AmeriCorps Volunteer (AmeriCorps is a program like the Peace Corps, but it is in the US and not international) and may be moving to Detroit if I am accepted. This is a great opportunity for me as I will be certified as a counselor and for testing for HIV and will be giving my time to help out others who may be in my situation. I will receive a stipend monthly, which doubles my income, and will receive a grant toward college when the program ends. This has been my goal since becoming a protagonist, as my dear friend Sammye would say, last year when I joined the task force. I think I have finally found my niche in life and what I am meant to do before my time here ends. I am really excited!! That's all for now.

July 15th - Well, I have plenty of things to share, so I will start with the news that I am traveling to San Francisco for the 20th National Lesbian Gay Health Conference and the 16th National HIV/AIDS Forum, July 24th - 29th. This is very exciting and gives me an opportunity to get the latest information on this disease and bring it back to share here at home. I have also been accepted into the AmeriCorps program and will be moving to Detroit soon to start on this endeavor. I am really happy that this worked out as well. Now that I will be moving to Detroit (little uncomfortable about it being in Detroit) I will also be closer to the man I met. Our relationship is young, but it is growing at a rapid rate and I am (yes, I will say it) in love. He is such a sweet person and fits right into my lifestyle. He is a very accepting man and understands all my little "quirks". Hopefully, spirit will continue to bless us and let this relationship evolve into a lifetime of happiness for us both.

As far as my health is concerned, I am doing great except for these teeth, which I continue to struggle with daily. I had the tooth that broke off removed and was told at that time that I have severe gum disease and bone loss happening. It makes me even madder that the U of M Dental School has been playing these games with their funding, because this should have been taken care of by now. How many more HIV+ persons who are trying to get dental care have to put up with the schools little games before they are made to do what they are supposed to do with the funds given to them? I hope my letters to the state have helped, but I haven't received a response to them yet either. Also, I will be going in for a minor surgery on Monday (the 20th) to have some skin tabs removed from my "bum". Old hemorrhoids are a bitch!! (Sounds gross, huh?) It's minor and hopefully they will be healed by the time I have to board the plane for S.F. on the 24th.

August 10th - I am still alive and well. San Francisco was fabulous!! And I enjoyed seeing the west for the 1st time in my 35 years on this earth. (I have never been west of the Mississippi River before.)

The conference had it's good points and it's bad points. All in all, it is good to know there is so many caring people out there concerned with the health of all of the GLBT community.

One thing that really bothered me was on the very first day, (they called it a pre-conference institute) we were supposed to be discussing "HIV prevention in a 'Post-AIDS' era". First off, that term "post-AIDS" really pisses me off!! What the hell is that supposed to mean?? They are saying that with these new meds, that people are no longer living with, nor dying from AIDS and more are living with HIV. This attitude is not a good thing in my humble opinion. Especially when, unfortunately, we lost one of our council members and one of the most active people in the HIV community in Grand Rapids (and one good friend) while we were gone. PEOPLE ARE STILL DYING!! I still have AIDS!! And to top it all off, they never discussed HIV prevention and what we should be doing about it!! They were just looking to get help in using this new term. I feel it is to try to take the focus off the fact that it is not over yet. This scares me as it can harm our efforts to get funding that is still very much needed as well as hindering any prevention efforts we might be making. I feel it also mirrors public attitude that everyone is getting tired of this fight. I really feel new efforts are needed to combat this disease, and attitudes like this are not helping at all.

Another item that was very much discussed was the "bare backing" issue. Unfortunately, most of those discussing it were mainly looking for someone to justify for them, their need to do this stupid act. The only thing that was agreed upon was that this is a matter of personal choice and as long as both involved were open about their sero-status, we can not really do anything about it except educate as many people as possible about the hazards of this act. I was amazed at just how many of the conference participants actually admitted that they have barebacked and would probably do it again in the future. (And they want to use the term "post-AIDS"..... go figure..)

I attended many workshops while there and the one that really stuck in my mind was the workshop on "Circuit Parties". Now, I must be getting old and have fallen way out of the times, because I have never heard of these. What they are is just like the str8 worlds "Raves". Lots of drugs and dancing, and of course sex. I even found that there is a new drug called "Special K" and these kids are mixing it with Xtasy, cocaine, crystal meth and whatever else they can get before the party. The parties are advertised by word of mouth and flyers, but are private and you need to know someone in order to get invited. These parties have come under a lot of criticism, mainly due to the fact that these are gay youth and they end up having gay sex. (OH MY GOD!!) Well, excuse me, but what about the str8 world and their raves?? Why isn't anyone saying anything about them? Why is it that once the gay world starts doing something, it is noticed, but the str8 world has been doing it for years with out any publicity nor the concern for the spread of HIV and other STD's? (I think we know the answer.) The chances of HIV and other STD's are a risk to all of the world, not just the ones going to "circuit parties". We need to get folks to broaden their scope of view, as all of these parties should fall under criticism to avoid the spread of any more STD's and to get our youth off of these dangerous drugs.

The conference was very informative and a great place to network ( I even got free web hosting for the Task Force web site!! If you are a non-profit organization and work for gay or HIV related causes and are interested, contact me for some info on this.) and I met quite a few nice people.

My perception after this conference remains the same as before it. We really need to find a way to get to our youth to educate them and support them in their life, no matter what they decide they are. The young people need to know what's out there and we must be responsible for getting this information to them so they can make informed, responsible decisions about their future. To continue to not talk to them, we are only helping HIV and other health issues slip right on by and continue to affect them. We need to figure out a way to somehow get past the "I can't talk about this with my children" and get to the "I want my kids to be as informed as possible so they may lead long, healthy lives." But, this is going to be a hard fight with so many "religious rights" trying to control what our children hear.

Now it is time for me to get ready for the move to Detroit and starting the AmeriCorps program. I go to DC September 16 - 20 for my training and to meet the national team, then come back to Detroit for a years service with the Detroit team. I had the opportunity to meet this local team at an awards luncheon held for last years team this last week. From what was said there, this sounds like a promising adventure for me and I am looking forward to it.

August 29th - I was recently asked to speak at our statewide Continuum of Care Conference to tell others why I am involved as a PWA. I am going to share with you now my report I gave to them.

I have only been involved as an activist, or as Sammye likes to call it, “Protagonist”, for a year, but what an eye opener it has been. At that time of my life, I was alone and very untrustworthy of the new medicines. I was losing weight and had no real concerns about my health. I was just getting out of a real bad, abusive relationship and was just plain sick and tired of everything. It’s been a long year.

Since becoming involved as a PWA community member, I have found out about many things which I did not know. I have become more aware of what services are available, to not only me, but to other PWA’s, and I have been able to share this knowledge. I have also become more aware of how involved the process of funding is, as well as how important it is to continue this. I have seen some things happen in ASO’s (AIDS Service Organizations) which I didn’t feel were quite right and have heard other voices of PWA’s who felt the same, and I knew I was not alone. Being involved in various Community Forums, and hearing the voices of other PWA’s, I knew the time had come for some changes, as this epidemic continues to evolve to date. I have also found out that self-empowerment is very important, as I feel that the time has come for us PWA’s to take control over what is happening in our own personal lives and become responsible for our own health. The PWA’s must look at their treatments and decide for himself what is best, as it is not always the best thing for one to follow “traditional” HIV health practices recommended by their doctor, but to follow what is in their heart. We can not sit back any longer and allow others to decide the fate of our lives. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying to give up on these traditions. We must look at our quality of life and decide for ourselves as to what is best for us. I watched a lover let others decide what was best for him and his living with the belief he was dying from AIDS, and he is no longer with us today. This I can not, nor will not do.

But, past all of this, what I feel is most important, for me, is the fact of a sense of self-accomplishment. Thanks to a very good and dear friend, who opened my eyes to where my life was, and what it could be, I have actually made a complete 180 degree turn. A year ago, I was on my way to my death bed, literally, and now, since becoming involved, all I can say is “look at me!!”

I have created a support forum for people on the internet where I share my story as well as others and offer ways for PWA’s to obtain anonymous support from others with HIV in the convenience of their own home. I am a host in The Positive Thinking Forum on The Microsoft Network’s Lesbian and Gay Forum where I also have an opportunity to share my knowledge. I have created a web site for the Michigan’s PWA Task Force so that they may share their information via the internet. I am involved with McAuley Clinic’s Men Who Have Sex With Men (MSM) Program. I have a wonderful new opportunity to learn more about HIV and how to help others by being accepted into the AmeriCorps program where I will be trained to counsel and test others about/for HIV. I have a whole new outlook to my life as to what direction I am going. I am much healthier as I am more aware and concerned with my health. I have a new boyfriend thanks to a social/support group (WINGS) I learned about, that I never would have without becoming more involved. I basically have a whole “new” life ahead of me.

I would, and continue to try, to get more PWA’s involved in their lives, by becoming involved in what is happening with HIV, both locally and elsewhere as it gives one a sense of purpose as well as some direction in their life, instead of sitting at home, waiting for the next “shoe to drop”. I also feel it is vitally important to find a way to educate our youth. We need to get to them before it is too late. We have many obstacles which continue to prevent us from informing them. Yet they continue to be one of the largest growing populations of persons sero-converting. I call on each and every one of you to come to common ground and find a way past these barriers that keep us from properly educating our youth. They are our future. We also need to make sure that others know this epidemic is not over, even though we have these newer medicines. While at the National Lesbian and Gay Health Association's (NLGHA) conference in San Francisco, people were using the term “Post-AIDS Era”, which really got under my skin. Especially when we received a phone call that our friend, and loved one, Dan VerHeulen had just passed away due to complications from AIDS. It’s still here and our loved ones are still dying. I don’t want to be the next one to go, nor do I want to lose anymore of those I love. I, as an activist/protagonist, need to be involved, so that I can make sure my life will be one of quality, and longevity.

Thanks for listening.

September 13th - Well, I am moved to Detroit and it went smoothly. I am getting settled in and kind of liking my new home and family here. I think the dog even likes the fact she has a yard to play in now, rather than having to be walked on a leash every time she had to "go". But, things haven't been all that great since I got here.

After the move was over, the man and I went on a Labor Day outing with the group called "WINGS", which is a social support group in the Detroit area for PWA's or those affected. It was a wonderful trip until Saturday night at about midnight, when I became violently ill. Like a 24 hour bug, I was vomiting and could keep nothing on my stomach, including water. Fortunately, by Monday things were better, with my health any way.

When we returned, there was a message of urgency from my mother, letting me know I needed to contact here as soon as possible. When I did, I found out that one of my dearest loved ones in Lansing had passed away. He was not HIV+ and the shock was overwhelming. Another friend found him on Friday dead from a massive heart attack. It was very unexpected as he was only 34, which is a year younger than myself. It was very hard for me to deal with and on top of that, when I called friends in Grand Rapids that knew him as well, I found out that another in GR had also been found dead from a heart attack!! WAY TOO MUCH DEATH AT ONE TIME!!. So, I spent last week attending memorial services and saying good bye to others I didn't think I would be. The reason I say this is hard is because I thought it'd be me that they were saying good bye to, not the other way around. Can you say "guilt"?? Why is it that for 12 years, I live with a life threatening disease, but everyone else is passing away? I know, be thankful and count my blessings, but that is not right. It should be me, not them, but Spirit has his own plan and I have to live with it.

So now it is time for me to head to DC for my training in the AmeriCorps Program, then back to Detroit to begin my work here. I look forward to this opportunity and hope all goes well with it.

Because this is getting rather long, I am starting another page. Click the link below if you care to continue.

And on.... and on.....

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