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October 25th, 1998 - Well, been a long time updating this, so I'll try to fill in as much as possible. The DC training went well and I met quite a few different and wonderful people who are doing the same thing I am, helping others in the world educate and protect themselves against HIV. It was nice to see there is still some concern out there about it and there are still some people who are not tired of fighting this epidemic. I am now back in Detroit and in my agency, which is the Midwest AIDS Prevention Project (MAPP). This agency is dedicated to spreading the prevention word about HIV. I seem to be fitting in there rather well. They have me doing their web site as well as creating a "HIV 201" safer sex work shop which gets it's debut at Olivet College the 2nd week of November. This I am excited about as I have always wanted to work with the youth to educate them about this disease, as I feel that they are the ones who need this education more than any other group. Another responsibility that they have given me is to be the agency liaison for a support group they sponsor called "Open Arms". It is an HIV+ support group that meets every Wednesday night and currently has about a dozen participants. So, this means I am doing some type of HIV support for most of my nights during the week, which I don't mind at all. I begin a new course at the American Red Cross this next week called "Prevention Skills". I'm not too sure what that term means, but I will know this Tuesday, I guess. I have already taken their course as an HIV educator, which certified me as an educator about HIV and also completed their "First Aid/CPR" course. My next class will be the state's "Counseling and Testing" course, which certifies me to do just that, test and counsel for HIV. The home life is still wonderful too. My man and I are doing well and I still feel very lucky to have met such a wonderful person. I am going to end here for now. I could probably ramble on for a while, but don't want to bore you too bad!! (LOL) December 8th - Sorry I haven't updated this in a while, but life is a turmoil and I've been busy as hell. Let me fill you in a little. The AmeriCorps work is going very well. I am learning a lot and am doing quite a lot of outreach in schools, colleges/universities, and work places. I am really enjoying it. I just returned from an STD/HIV conference in Grand Rapids which was very informative. Other than this, my life has been a sort of personal hell. On Sunday, November 29th it was made official that my man and I are no longer together. I know I told you back in October that we were doing well, but something happened and I am still trying to figure it out. There was a whole week prior that he didn't speak, look at or touch me. He slept upstairs in his old bedroom and even refused to go to Mom's with me for Thanksgiving. I had to force him to sit down with me on Sunday to tell me exactly what was going on and he proceeded to tell me that he wasn't satisfied in the relationship and no longer loved me. ?? I also found that he is already seeing someone else. Someone who was a friend from about 8 years ago, back when Jim and I were living in Florida. He tried getting into bed with Jim back then too, so you can understand that my emotions are going crazy right now. Since that Sunday talk, my man still does not look at me or talk to me. This really hurts. He is also spending every night over there with Richard. This even hurts more. But, what can I do except get passed this pain? How do I get passed this pain? December 16th - Boy what a difference a week makes!! Today I can tell you that things between my man and I are much better. After a support group last week Wednesday, I decided that I couldn't take things the way they were and approached him to make him talk to me about what was going on. I told him that I loved him and felt that just throwing away the 5 months we spent together was a big mistake. He explained his feelings (finally) and this is what I got.... He explained that with me being gone for work all of the time, and when I was home, not being there for him, in numerous ways, that he felt I didn't love him anymore. I would come home, get high, pass out in my recliner until dinner, get up and eat, then fall back asleep after dinner. The sex wasn't there and he just felt his only reason for being around was to cook and clean, so he went looking elsewhere for what he needed. BOY did this open my eyes! I took his words to heart, explained that I did still love him and that this separation was killing me. We talked about a lot of other things too. And, we decided that we could work this out, and we are back together. I feel this is the best thing to happen to us. I now know that when he gets quiet, and distant, that I better talk to him and work out whatever the problem may be. Now I am happy again, which is a good thing. I hope I can remember to not place my work so high on my priority that I neglect my man. I really love him and to loose him would ruin my world. I also am going to cut way down on the amount of smoking I do, cause I don't want this to interfere with us either. (Welcome to my roller coaster!!) On another note, I completed my certification for counseling and testing for HIV, so I have another means for helping in this epidemic. I don't know when I will utilize this, as MAPP does not do testing at their office, but I may volunteer at the gay and lesbian community center if they need some help there. I am now getting ready for the holidays and hope you and yours have a wonderful holiday this year. I got my Christmas gift when my man agreed to stay with me, and I hope you get what you are wishing for too!! December 27th - Having a great time here this Christmas. My man and I went to my mothers for Christmas dinner and also saw a few friends while back in Grand Rapids. We also went to numerous parties (way to much partying!!) and all and all was very nice. I was spoiled with gifts, including the new Norelco cordless wet/dry razor with the lotion. I am a happy boy! On another note, I have been experiencing some terrible pain in my back. I am not sure if I pulled something while helping some friends move, or if there may be some other problem, as I really experience the pain just shortly after eating, like maybe I am having some blockage problems in my intestine again. I hope this is not true, and if it persists too much longer, I will call the doctor. I haven't done so yet, because I am not about to spend the holidays in some damn hospital! I also received some very disturbing news that one of my friends and fellow peer educators/HIV educators passed away on Tuesday, Dec. 22nd, very unexpectedly, as his health was good and he had been out socializing just a few days before. Mike was very active in the HIV community volunteering his time at McAuley Health Services were he did counseling and testing. He also sat on the Community AIDS Council of West Central Michigan. Mike will be missed by quite a few people. My heart goes out to his family for having to go through this in what is supposed to be a joyous time of year. I hope all of you have enjoyed your Christmas. I send my blessings out to each and everyone of you for a very happy holiday season, and hope your New Year is great! Spirits be with you! January 3rd, 1999 - Well, just spent the day digging out from a snow storm that left 14 inches on the ground. What a workout!! Thank Spirit for 4 wheel drive so I could get to the store and get supplies. Had a wonderful New Years this year. (For a change!!) My man and I went to Club 385, a bar some friends of ours are in the process of buying, and had a wonderful dinner at their Dinner Party. We rang in the New Year amongst friends, and got home safely. Spent New Years Day recovering from the party and watching a lot of movies. The pain in my back has somewhat subsided, but I think I still need to see the doctor, so I will be calling him Monday for an appointment. Scared as hell about it too, as I do not want the bombardment of tests I know they will throw at me. But, I know something must be done, so as nor to avoid more serious problems. I will keep everyone updated once I find out more. Well, now it's back to the grind at MAPP on Monday. I hope all of you readers had a great, safe New Years this year. May everyone's 1999 bring them joy and happiness. January 12th - Just wanted to update everyone on a few things. I have finally got most of my dental work done and so far all but one tooth has been fixed, with no more being pulled out!! The last one may have to go and if it does she'll take a wisdom tooth with it to make room for a partial on the lower set. I have not been back to the doctor so I guess things are ok there too. The back pain has gotten a lot better so I guess that things are fine there and I was worrying about nothing, but you know how that can be. I am back at work full time as the holiday vacation is over. I am working on a PWA Retreat for the Task Force. This is the first ever PWA retreat put on by PWA's and I am very excited about it. Being on the planning committee for this is very interesting, and I have involved myself in the retreat as well. I will be facilitating 4 workshops through out the weekend and my man and I will even sit on a panel about relationships. It should be quite interesting. More later. February 1st - Well, I thought things with my back were getting better, but that was just wishful thinking. Last week the pain got so intense I called the doctor and made an appointment to see him. I spent 5 hours there, doing every test to check for kidney stones possible, as that is what they thought might be going on due to my meds. These tests came back negative, which is good I guess. The thing is, once again I was told they couldn't find anything wrong! HOW ABSOLUTELY FRUSTRATING!! Every time in the past year or so that I visit a doctor with a problem, I am told they can't find anything. He told me that he wanted to see me again within two weeks, sooner if the pain got worse. So, being I am still in pain, I called back to make another appointment..... He'll see me on the 18th. Two weeks huh?? Must be nice not to be living in pain! And I wonder... is he going to find anything this time around? Or am I just wasting more Medicare money? Something has to be wrong, or I wouldn't hurt so bad. I just do not know what to do at this point. I think I will ask to have him check to see if it is not another blockage in my intestine, even though the pain is different than the last time I had that problem. Can't hurt huh? Another thing he brought to my attention was that my viral load has gone back up, and I am sorry, but I forgot to ask him what it was. So we may need to be looking at switching up my meds if this continues. He took more blood while I was there last week so we will see. Other than that things are as well as can be expected. The AmeriCorps Team is keeping busy and my work at MAPP is also very busy, and that I am thankful for so as to keep my mind off this other stuff going on. Getting ready to go to Grand Rapids this Friday to finally marry off my little sister. I hope she is happy! February 27th - Today I sit here with mixed emotions. Things are well, but yet I am not feeling good for some reason. Not actually health wise but it may have to do with this sinus cold I am carrying, or the fact that my back still hurts, or just the weather maybe. I'm not sure. But, something is just not OK in my world. Blues I guess. Anyway, the back related problems are being blamed on muscle problems. The doc feels I may have pulled, tore (or something!) one of my back muscles and sent me home with valium and told me to stay in bed for a few days. OK, the buzz is great doc... but what about this muscle not healing?? HIV+ people do have problems with muscles degenerating and other things due to the meds, and the healing of a hurt one can take a while to heal. That I understand. But spirit is testing my patients!! Good news on the health side is that my CD4 is now 324, back up again. My Viral Load has also gone back below 50, which is considered undetectable again. So thing's aren't so bad I guess. I have received information about doing a second year as an AmeriCorps member and I believe I will apply again, and I am also thinking of applying for Team Coordinator this year. I am really enjoying this work and feel this can keep me involved a little longer to build my skills. If you might be interested in doing this as well, we have begun looking for next years teams and you can get the information from the National AIDS Fund web site There is so much going on for me right now as I am also getting ready for the Task Force PWA Retreat next weekend, in which I will be facilitating 4 workshops and other various things throughout the weekend. Real excited about this as it is bringing PWA's together from around the state for the 1st time, being ran by PWA's. Gives us a chance to get the real "feel" of what is going on in a more personal, from the front kind of atmosphere. I hope all goes well. March 20th - I will start this update off with some quick basic facts. My man and I are finished. I can no longer trust him. He continues to attempt to meet other men out and about, and that is not a committed relationship. I can't say for sure that he was screwing around, but the evidence was there, and with what he did to me last November, I decided that it was time to just say "screw it" and called it off. Now I have to go through another ordeal of moving. With 4 guys living in a two bedroom house, it's become quite too much. And being that my man and our other roommate have been friends longer, my man has lived here longer, and is going to school here, it is only right that I move out. Saves him $30 a credit hour and will save me a hell of a lot of gas money if I can find something closer to work. (What a nice guy huh? I get screwed and still look out for everyone's best interest!) This, of course, has increased my stress again, and all that goes with being stressed out, diarrhea, no appetite, no energy to do anything, stuff like that. But, I am keeping my chin up. I won't let a man get me down! I will take it one day at a time and see what happens next. I have checked into getting some financial support to help me move, and it is available (thank spirit!) so all I have to do now is find a place I can afford on my own. Or, find someone who will let me and my dog move in with them, which is no easy feat. Fortunately, our other roommate (who owns the house) has told me to take all the time I need to get things taken care of, but you know I want out of this situation as soon as possible. On another note, the AmeriCorps team is doing great, and we are finally working together as a team to "Get things done", which is our motto. And we are looking for next years team, for which I have re-applied to be on again. If all goes well, they will even let be me team leader. More work! Also, our 1st ever retreat put on by PWA's for PWA's was a great success! We had 125 participants, with 70 on a waiting list in case someone cancelled, and with Mother Nature doing her snow thing that weekend, some of those on that list had the opportunity to attend. Even though I was extremely busy that weekend, I think everyone had a good time, and learned a lot. I do know that being this year was such a great time, and those that needed to saw the response and the want for this type of activity, that we will be doing it again next year. If all goes right, it will be even bigger and better than this year. Now, it's off to the shower. I have a HIV 101 program to do at a Baptist Church today (yeah, it is hard for me to believe too!) that I need to get ready for as well as packing, cause I am going away for a much needed time out from the Detroit area. Might only be a day, but as they say, "What a difference a day makes!" April 29th - Well, guess it's time I updated this since some of you have been writing wondering if things are well. (Thanks for the inquiries!) I will start with this. I am still living with my man and the other roommate, and things are pretty much the same, except that my man and I are sleeping together and talking. I am not really sure where things are going at this point, as we both have a lot to work through and deal with. My man finally told his ex-wife that he is positive. It came about when he wrecked his car a few weeks ago and there have been some issues that came about when that happened. I am currently doing the same as I have been, being real busy. Tonight I head to Lansing for a Task Force Meeting tomorrow and come back tomorrow night to pack for my trip to DC. I am going there for AIDSWatch '99 in hopes to educate some of those who will be crucial in deciding about reauthorization of the Ryan White Care Act. Wish me well!! Also, I have applied for a position back in Grand Rapids for supervising Outreach Workers for the new HIV/AIDS Services, Inc. There have been a lot of good applicants for the position, so keep those fingers crossed for me! Going to end for now, and hopefully will be back here sooner this time to update you. June 9th - Summer is upon us and I am one busy puppy! I have been doing much outreach these last few weeks to middle and high school students and have spoken to over 3000 kids in the last month. I apologize for not getting back here sooner to update you, but I have been using all of my free time to rest and enjoy some things. I just got back from a weekend of camping in the Sleeping Bear Dunes National Forest and what a great getaway. I really needed that. My man and I are still together and things seem to be working out. This makes me happy as I need to make sure my focus remains on my volunteer work, and I think my man understands that. I actually think he has gotten past this sex thing and knows I truly love him. I just happen to be someone who doesn't need sex every day. And, with these meds screwing with me, most of the time I don't feel like it anyway. I did not get the position in Grand Rapids and I have decided to remain with the AmeriCorps team next year and am in the interview process now for that. This will mean another year in Detroit and doing the same work I am doing now. (Yippee!!) I like this! But, on the bad side of this, the other roommate (the guy who owns the house I live in) has accepted a position with his job in Chicago and is selling the house. So, we are also in the process of finding a new place to live and all that junk. We have to be moved by August 1st, so we don't have much time. Now for my health. So far, so good! My viral load remains undetectable and my CD4 count continues to rise and is over 400 for the 1st time since the 80's. I have been to the dermatologist and got the rash on my hands and feet under control finally too. What a relief! Now, if I can keep up with all of these pills, things should be right on track. I need to close for now, so I will get back and update you some more soon. June 20th - It seems I am prone to drama in my life. I found out this week that My man was once again lying to me and has been with another man again. I called it off and this time I will not give him the benefit of doubt and take him back. Hell, I should have never taken him back the last time. Call me a sucker! All in all, this couldn't have happened at a better time. We have to move anyway, with the other roommate moving to Chicago and all. I am just glad I found out about this before we moved into someplace together. So now I am in the hunting mode and trying to find a place for me and Shama to go to. Never knew so many landlords were against dogs! They let people have cats, which can do a hell of a lot more damage to a place than my little girl would ever do, but they seem to think otherwise. so, it is not an easy process. Keep your fingers crossed for me! July 1st - I am so out of sorts lately. I have no motivation to do anything and all I can think about is my man and what has happened. Why am I letting this consume my life? I know it needs to be over and yet I still harbor these feelings and allow what he does to hurt me. Yesterday morning he got up at 7:30 and the first thing he did was to call this "Terry" and chatty Cathy with him while I sat right here in earshot. The night before, I answered the phone without looking at the caller ID (Won't do that again until I move!!) and it was this "Terry" and he started talking as if I were my man. I made him aware of who I was, and instead of him saying OK and leaving a message for my man, he tries to initiate chatty Cathy with me. What is the world coming to? I know my man told him about us. I guess I am just supposed to be OK with all of this and get passed it? Think nothing of it? BULLSHIT I say!! At least give me the chance to get the hell out of here and not have to face it. Have some respect for my emotions and not throw it in my face! I guess that is to much to ask! So yesterday after he got off the phone, I lost it. I went downstairs to my room and put on some music. You know, the ones which make you cry? I had to get it out of my system. I guess my man heard me crying and came downstairs to my room, which made it worse. I told him to get out. He asked me what I wanted from him. I told him I just needed to get the hell away from him and this house and then I wouldn't have to live in hurt all of the time. His answer to this? He packed a bag and went and spent the night at the new boyfriends. Yeah!! That makes me feel even better! He just has no idea how or what a relationship is supposed to be I guess. Or, my standards and morals are out of whack! On the brighter side (I guess), my place should be coming available soon so I can move. I know that once I am away from this house, this will all be over and I can get on with what I came to Detroit to do in the first place. I also missed my doctors appointment, which really doesn't matter right now. I am feeling great physically. I rescheduled for next month and that's probably best because this should be over by then and I won't be so stressed when they do blood work. Hopefully the counts will be OK. July 7th - Well, I no longer am the proud owner of a Bronco. It died again last week and after putting the 3rd starter in it and realizing the flywheel was chewed, I decided it was time to retire the "Pig" and and get "Lucy" back on the road. So I am once again driving the LaBaron (Yuck!), but it is wheels and much cheaper to drive than the truck. I have to wait until this Sunday to go see my new place, but I know that I have it. Guess I will have to move in two days as I leave Monday night to go to Lansing for a Task Force meeting, then leave the next day for DC for our end of service conference for AmeriCorps. I will need to do this so I won't have to pay the current landlord rent. (Bummer!) I am at work right now, so I will have to close for now. August 7th - Got moved into the new place, but it didn't happen as soon as I thought and I did not move alone. My man and I had a long talk and decided we will make this work and are back together. I only pray he will keep his word. We will see. (I really am a glutton aren't I?) We moved last weekend and are really enjoying the house. It is good to have our own place and I think this is a good thing. It is a small 2 bedroom on the west side of Detroit. Not all that nice of a neighborhood, but at least my end of the block is nice and there is "family". Our landlord owns 4 houses on our end and has rented to nothing but gay men. Not too shabby! And my friend John whom I met in Traverse City lives right across the street, so we see each other more. I have completed my 1700 required hours for AmeriCorps, so the next few weeks I am going to take it kind of easy and prepare for next year. My last day for this years service is the 20th, so it is almost over. I then have three weeks off and start it all over again. I hope next years team will be different than this years as I think we could have done better this year, but too many things just got in the way. Jaime and I plan on making sure this happens next year. (Jaime is a teammate from this years team who is also doing a second year, and will be Team Coordinator.) So I am in the vacation "prep" mode and will be loving every minute of my time off. Haven't been to the doc's lately as I have missed my last two appointments (I know, SHAME ON ME!!), but have been so busy moving and work and all that I just plain missed them. I will make the next one which is next Friday as I know something is not right and would like to see some blood work done. Nothing too serious though, so don't worry. I will let you know what I find... August 29th - Just got back from joining a bowling team. Not too sure how this will work with my back, but the exercise might be a good thing. We'll see. It has been a busy time the last couple of weeks. Getting settled in, recovering from the break in, finishing up my year with MAPP and throwing a 3 day state conference into that too. I will be enjoying the next couple of weeks off before starting this all over again on the 14th of September. This next weekend we'll be going to Dad's cabin up north to get away from the city and relax a bit.
October 13 - Wow... Just realized how long it has been since the last update! Things have been hectic with the new team getting started and all. First things first. I finally made it to the doctor and things are fine. My viral load remains undetectable and the CD4 count is 546, which is the highest it has been since my first finding out I was infected (^5). I have also been in to the Dental Department at the University of Detroit, Mercy Hospital and have the last of my dental work in the process of being approved. And if I may say so, I totally respect that school for what it is doing for the PWA community here in Detroit! They were given a grant a few years ago, which was for the "Care Program", a dental assistance program for those with HIV. This grant ran out this last year and being the need was so evident to the school for the program, they approached their board to have the program funded internally so that the services could continue to be rendered to us. BRAVO!! What this means is, this program, which is one of a kind in Michigan, will allow PWA's in the Detroit area to have good, stable dental care which is so vital. You can't get good nutrition if you can't eat.... I better quit for now as I am supposed to be at work soon and haven't even started my day. I hope this finds all of you well and in good spirits! November 6 - Let me start out by saying that this has been a hell of a last few weeks! First off, my mom had an aneurysm burst in her colon. This is the second time this happened in two years, and in the same part of her colon. So if this happens to her again, she will need that part of her colon taken out. She got better and we took her home last Tuesday. That night, after a nice supper with my sister, who lives in the same trailer park, my mom went home to relax and proceeded to develop sharp pains in her chest. She called my sister, who proceeded to take her to the emergency room where they were told she had a mild heart attack! I had just gotten back to Detroit after the first episode, so back I drove to Grand Rapids. Fortunately, this has a happy ending as she is once again back at home. There was no damage to the heart and the only thing they can contribute to bring on the attack is her blood pressure and cholesterol level, both of which are know to be high. The cause of all of these happenings of late. She will be in to her doctors office Monday morning and they will begin taking steps to get these under control. Through all of this, I came to a realization. I once believed that I wouldn't have to deal with the death of my parents. Both dad and mom have faced life threatening situations in the past year and I am still here to deal with them. I always thought I'd be the one in that bed, not them. So, this is good! Spirits are being kind to me and keeping me around for a while. On the plus side, my counts continue to be good and I continue my work with AmeriCorps and MAPP. If anyone is interested, MAPP has just finished the quarterly Michigan HIV News. This is a site which has all of the most current HIV statistics and events that are taking place in the state. That URL is: http://www.mihivnews.com. They offer a .pdf of the latest printed version on this site as well as online information about the world of HIV in Michigan I hope this finds all of you well and happy. Until the next update, PEACE! December 5 - This has been an interesting year, but I think I am glad it is soon to be over. I have had way to may ups and downs this year and I feel like I just got off the roller coaster. My health continues to be good, but the back pain persists without my doc seeming to care at all. I am still looking for a primary care doc so maybe once I get one, he will help out in this matter. On top of that, my time with the AmeriCorps team has been almost HELL! I like the people and the work, but sometimes, I just want to say the hell with it and move on. Every time I try to give input, or make a suggestion, I get negated and feel as if I am just wasting my time. I really feel that I can better serve the HIV community much better if I am doing other things and I am looking into this as well. In the meantime, I just deal, as I usually do. Had to put a new clutch in the LaBaron and that took most of what I thought I was ahead in the finance department. One day this vehicle problem will stop! If you are keeping track, this is the 3rd vehicle in two years that has tried to drain my pocket and I am over that too! Wish I could afford something better, but we all know what that SSDI check will NOT do! At least I have friends who can and will help me through times like this. The relationship department has been a roller coaster too! My man and I are still together, but something tells me that all is not calm in this department either. I know that I have been totally unresponsive in the love making department and that my man needs this, but I just have no interest in sex at all lately. Can you believe this? Me?? Boggles my mind too as I used to be a big ole slut back in my hay day. I have talked to a counselor about this too and he told me not to fret too much, as it is happening with many who are HIV+ and on HAART. But, I don't think that means anything as far as my man is concerned. I get the feeling he is ready to move on, and I don't blame him if he did. Back in the day, I would not stick around when I wasn't getting any. And we seem to argue more often. The littlest things will send us off. I am also getting the vibe that he wishes he could do more, such as possibly an open relationship, or something. Hell, who knows. He doesn't talk to me. I think he expects me to start every conversation when it comes to talking about us. And when I do, it is usually a one sided conversation, or ends up in tears, which is no way to communicate. Not sure how to handle this, so I bide my time and hope this will work itself out. One way or the other. I do love him, and I know how deeply he cares for me. But is that enough? We'll see. |
